He'd make an amazing big brother, IUI, solo parent

[SoloChez]

I'm a solo parent—and have been since day one. My son, now six, is truly my whole world. I’ve raised him alone since pregnancy. His “dad” has never been involved.

My son is the kind of child who lights up around younger kids. He’s full of empathy, patience, and warmth. He adores babies, asks about having a sibling , and notices that his friends have brothers or sisters. It breaks my heart. I feel this deep, aching guilt that I can’t give him what he so clearly longs for.

TW: Pregnancy Termination

Just over a year ago, I became pregnant while in a relationship, and I made the very difficult decision to terminate. It wasn’t the right time, or the right situation. I still carry that with me, quietly.

Now, after going through fertility testing, I’ve been told I’d have about a 1 in 20 chance of conceiving through IUI. I'm 43 next month. Even if I did conceive, there’s a high risk of miscarriage or serious complications, including birth defects. Hearing that felt like the floor dropped out from under me. Hope and grief tangled up together. So now I sit with this question: do I try anyway? Or do I start the much harder journey of acceptance—that our little two-person family is complete, even if it wasn’t what I imagined?

The guilt I feel is almost physical. I see the tenderness in my son when he cuddles a baby and I feel like I’m letting him down.

If you're reading this and have been through anything remotely similar, I’d love to hear from you. I feel alone in this right now, like I'm grieving a life I can't quite reach, and trying to figure out how to honour my son's beautiful heart.

Even if I did conceive, there’s a high risk of miscarriage or serious complications, including birth defects for you specifically? Or are you saying generally a 43 year old woman has a greater probability than a 23 year old woman?

I share your angst: I've just turned 44, we would love another child, but my partner's medical treatment mean we'd need to do IVF and I just don't know if it is a good idea given the risks. I'm wondering if we should just focus our energy and resources on our wonderful son. I don't know if I could bear the guilt of compromising his life because we got greedily broody.

This was because of my age and low egg reserve, I had 2.3 where max is 11 and he said that's very low. So, as the consultant explained it, because of my age I've got very little eggs remaining and the best of your eggs are used up first so the ones left are not good quality and the body will often miss carry the pregnancy.

It seems we're both in a similar predicament. I suppose we should just be grateful we actually have one child, as some would say. I do recommend you go private for fertility tests to check your egg reserved though and that might take the decision out of your hands.

So if something happened to you who would look after your child for you? I would think very carefully about the child you have now

Why are you going through fertility testing?

You don’t once say you want another child
you just give us a lot of information about your son and how much he wants a sibling

are you honestly doing this just to make your son happy?

Would you consider fostering or adoption?

You say you’re in a similar predicament to someone who is in a relationship with someone and who actively wants a child

whereas you are single
and you just tell us how much your child wants a sibling

Good point.

Personally I think you’d be deeply unwise to contemplate a pregnancy, OP. The health risks to you, especially as a single parent of a young child, far outweigh ‘giving my child a sibling.’

sorry, but at your age and with those risks I wouldn’t. I hate would you do if your second had severe disabilities, you’re a lone parent and that wouldn’t be fair on your DS.

He’s 6. Not having a sibling won’t harm him, just because he wants one. You’re 43 with a high risk of having a child with birth defects. You’d be being very selfish to have another child.

I think you might be ascribing quite a lot of emotions to your 6 year old because of your experience. It is sad when you wanted more than one but it wasn’t to be - I am the same, couldn’t have a second due to medical complications and as an only I really wanted to avoid this for my DS.

It sounds like you need counselling to talk this through. I do think the sensible decision is to focus on the DC you are incredibly fortunate to have. Why not get a kitten if you feel he needs to cuddle something. Sorry if that sounds trite, I really don’t mean to.

Don’t do it.

Believe me, coming to terms with your family of two and is not the “much harder” road.
Having difficulty conceiving followed by a baby with possibly significant disabilities you have to manage for the rest of your - and your existing son’s - life is a very, very hard life.
To do so as a sole parent is harder still.

The siblings of children with disabilities have a hell of a lot to deal with as well - it’s not all cuddles and fun.

Focus on your lovely son.

I wouldn’t have a baby because an existing child likes babies. He presumably doesn’t fully understand that a new baby would take up a lot of your time and attention and that he would no longer be ‘your whole world’.

It sounds like you really want another baby and are creating a bit of a rose-tinted fantasy world to justify it.

I’m just here to validate the feeling of looking at your child and feeling guilty that they don’t have a sibling. I also terminated when my child was about 5, and she has a motherly personality and is amazing with her friends younger siblings.

But there was a reason for our decisions and we have to come at peace with it. It sucks for me as I know the beauty of having a sibling (as an adult, we were awful as kids!) but I know plenty of only children and adults with siblings who might as well be only children, that have fulfilling lives. I put a lot of energy into extended family and friendships so we are never alone. But I share your pain x

Don’t do it. Every child goes through the whole motherly phase and would make an amazing brother or sister. You have one healthy child. Who knows what would happen if you have another one.

Get him a dog. I don’t say that flippantly.

I don’t even like dogs but I think you should probably get one.

Wise words.

Ha! I had that in my post but deleted it because I thought people would assume I was being flippant.

The same people that would look after him if something happened to me now...my family and friends. I am already a solo parent remember.

Because I'm considering going through IUI, and they test how fertile you are prior.

Yes! I would really consider fostering but sadly I don't have a spare bedroom and not in a position to be able to move house to go from a 2 bed to a 3 bed :-(

No it doesn't at all. Appreciate your honesty.

Thank you for your comment! It was comforting and reassuring to read. Hope you're doing ok x

We actually already have one! Maybe a hamster! But I understand what you mean with your comment, thank you.