Does anyone else have a 4 year old that cries at EVERYTHING!

[sunshinedaises]

My ds is 4 and just cries at everything, over the smallest, silliest things. For example if he wants his hat that he can't reach he won't just ask for it, he will whinge and cry to get it. I've tried repeatedly telling him he doesn't need to cry he just needs to ask. It's honestly exhausting and I don't know how to handle it anymore. Anyone else have a child like this and any tips? When did it get better?

Actually it's considered good advice these days as a child who is tantruming is struggling with self regulation and isolation and ostracisation creates barriers rather than improves the internal self regulation.

Just like CIO creates kids who don't cry bc no one is coming. I guess if you want your kids to be unable to learn self control bc they think you don't care then it's OK.

For reference I was always old school, let him cry, but I soon realised for some kids it just doesn't work and a good old cuddle gets better results.
We are not all the same.

With my 4 year old what usually works is to model the language and behaviour I want to receive from her. Just today I had a little conversation with myself while comforting her - "Mammy can you please get xyz for me?/Yes I can darling, here you go, and thank you for asking so nicely, those are lovely manners". A few seconds later she was repeating the question I asked.

Try peeling an onion near him. When his eyes water, he might not be so ready to cry for things and learn to get them himself.

ps When he moves away from the eye watering item, finish peeling it by doing so in water, so your eyes won't water.

Is it copying behaviour? My cleaner’s daughter does this but then so does she! At 33 hasn’t grown out of it nor developed adult coping mechanisms.

I had one of these. Turns out he’s autistic and was just so overwhelmed by fucking everything. It was brutal. His younger brother is going through the same phase atm. They grow out of it with maturity.

What?

Yes! He was always "sensitive". He's 5 now and much better. I treated it as saying "crying for silly reasons" was naughty and he would be punished for it (sending to his room, not having certain things etc). I made it clear that crying in itself is not bad - he could cry if he really hurt himself or was really sad, but not for a "silly reason". He still sometimes does it but nowhere near as bad.

Mine have all gone through this stage, and my 3yo is deep in it at the moment. I have a 2 stage strategy - I start off with the “crying doesn’t get us what we want” and carrying on approach. If things escalate then I do give her a big hug and comfort her, and say things like “it’s disappointing when we can’t get what we want, she it?” Once she’s calmed down she usually does whatever by herself, but I still won’t don’t do what she wanted. My thinking is that I can help her improve emotional regulation without giving in to her demands. It’s tough though and I don’t do it right every time. But I’m confident she’ll grow out of it, like her sisters did.

I can't get over the lack of empathy towards small children on this thread. Yes as adults we can find behaviour challenging but that's when we have to suck it up, because we're the adults. It's not a 'power battle' unless what you want is to overpower your child. It's not a 'battle of wills' unless you want to break your child's will. You don't even know if there's any SEN involved at that age. Why are there multiple people advocating for an adult behaving more childishly that a 4 year old!?! Every parent makes mistajes, and every parent over reacts occasionally when they're feeling overwhelmed, but some of this advice is like we're going back to the 1950s.

Why 'what'? makes sense when you think about it. 'Crocodile tears' have to be nipped in the bud before it loses friends later.

Wtf is peeling an onion going to do? Where can I buy your parenting book? I absolutely need a good laugh with more mental ideas like this.

Telling a 4 year old to stop whinging and greeting for what he wants and use his normal voice instead is not an adult acting like a child. It’s an adult acting like a parent. Some children get stuck in the habit of moaning and whinging in dreadful voices all the time for what they want. They do it because it’s indulged and it makes for incredibly unlikeable children. I know kids like this who moan constantly, cry at the drop of a hat, and scream their heads off at the tiniest inconvenience. It’s insufferable.

My nearly 4yo does this occasionally but not that often. I find ignoring it or telling him I won't do the thing till he stops screaming for it doesn't really help as it just tends to escalate things, and then he has more things to be upset about because I'm cross or whatever. Mostly I think the crying is frustration rather than actually demanding the thing in DS's case.

Anyway, based on the fact that he mostly doesn't do it, I think it's probably helped that we do a lot of modelling how to ask for and get things at other times when he's not upset (both coaching him what to do, and making sure we ask each other nicely for things). If you can identify when it's likely to happen it's also easier to be proactive rather than reactive (i.e. you don't want to have to wait for the bad behaviour and then deal with it), e.g. a PP mentions it's mostly when her child is having a growth spurt. Mine will do it if feeling tired and vulnerable, such as 1:30 this morning when he cried because he couldn't open his water bottle.

I'm sorry I read this post looking for advice because I have a similar 3 year old but I cannot wait to see my husband's face when my 3 year old next whines or cries and I whack out an onion and start peeling it 😂

I am guessing that the DS has received love and consolation each time the tears flowed, so he has mastered the art of crying for attention, without really needing it.

Perhaps he has not experienced the emotions that bring tears automatically, and thinks he can make them happen when he wants something. It isn't unusual, but if he does it too often he will not get the consolation and comfort he needs when he does experience the sadder side of life, and if he isn't discourages, he will be like the boy who 'cried wolf'.

Peeling onions causes the eyes to water. If he has always been able to cry on demand, so to speak, it may come as a surprise to him that actually eyes can water all on their own.

I am not saying it always works, but it is a start, and harmless. Perhaps at 4 he is too young to understand, but try it. It may not work, and he may continue to use tears to get his way, but it might give him something to think about if his mum explains that he will only get attention if the tears come without his making them.

Isn't it worth a try?

I haven’t a clue what you’re going on about. Honestly one of the most bonkers things I’ve read on this site.

OP can teach her child that crying and whinging won’t get what he wants without whipping out the onions. Totally bizarre.

😂😂😂 then reward him with a gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt

Children need to learn everything they can about life. Peeling an onion to yourself is not what I meant.

Of course if you are used to buying chopped up frozen onions and don't know that unless you peel them under water the result will be copious tears, I can understand your mirth.

You’re either fucking whacko, or just really committed to the piss take. Either way 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

Please yourself. I don't care. I made a suggestion that has worked. If you don't like it, don't do it.

Simple. Just don't be so insulting. You lose friends that way.

I am very emotive and cry if I'm happy, sad, angry or frustrated. I can assure you that none of these "methods" did anything except make me feel terrible about myself. He might grow out of it but imitation, ignoring it or telling someone to stop being a cry baby just makes them feel worse.

A calm voice, telling him it's okay, might help him realise he doesn't need to cry about things. He will also mostly likely grow out of it or do it less as he gets older. But explain there's nothing wrong with crying whilst you're at it.

Wait wut

Onions produce spontaneous tears. If a child cries for everything, when there is no need, a lesson on the fact that tears are a spontaneous phenomenon and not something you conjure up when you want something, can be helpful.

If a young child gets into the habit of crying just to get what he wants, then one day, when he really needs help, people will ignore him.

It is a useful lesson to learn, but very difficult if a child cannot tell the difference between forcing tears out, and those that come on their own.

It is a suggestion, not a rule. A question was asked by the OP. I replied to it. Do I care if the response is acted on? Not a bit.

The fact that you don’t see how mental your suggestion is is fascinating to me