Does anyone else have a 4 year old that cries at EVERYTHING!

[sunshinedaises]

My ds is 4 and just cries at everything, over the smallest, silliest things. For example if he wants his hat that he can't reach he won't just ask for it, he will whinge and cry to get it. I've tried repeatedly telling him he doesn't need to cry he just needs to ask. It's honestly exhausting and I don't know how to handle it anymore. Anyone else have a child like this and any tips? When did it get better?

That sounds exhausting. Have you tried ignoring it completely? It’s one thing to say “you don’t need to cry” but if you still get the hat for him then the message never sinks in. I’d refuse to get whatever it was until he asked in a normal voice because that would drive me demented. I don’t help with anything unless it’s asked for in a normal voice.

Yes I had one like this. It’s hellosh but the ONLY way that worked was just to absolutely switch off the second he started and say “I don’t help people who cry/scream.” (Obviously not when they’re genuinely upset but mine had absolutely weaponised them.)

@Fusedspur I've tried saying that but because he's crying so much it's like he can't hear me and so will just continue crying to get what he wants and I end up almost having to tell just to be heard.

That’s a power battle. If you say, picked him up and put him in the hall every time he did it, eventually he would stop. But god it’s hard. Mine would scream at the top of his lungs. I had to loose my shit a few times to get him to listen. But at this age they’re like dogs and you have to train them out of it.

Don’t yell. Let him cry and crack on with what you’re doing. He’ll stop eventually. No point trying to talk to him until he’s calm. If he starts up again leave him to it again. Rinse and repeat. No way would I be trying to be heard over a 4 year old wailing and moaning. Just wait until he stops. He’ll tire of that nonsense in the end.

My now 4 year old did this and still does occasionally. I say please use your words and ignore until they ask using words. It works

Have you tried waiting him out then explaining ? I can't hear you when you scream/cry you need to use your words.

Give him a big cuddle every time he does this. Let him feel loved and safe and secure and enveloped in your arms. He’ll probably cry harder for a bit but will then calm down. Once he’s calm, reach over “here’s the hat”. All done.

Try it a few times and see if it works.

Yup I had one like this. Just ignored until she stopped crying. It was awful for me and everyone else in the house (she’s the youngest of three) but we all just took no notice until she asked for what she wanted without crying. Sometimes she’d get so upset she’d fall asleep, sometimes it would last seconds before she gave in. You just have to keep going. She’s 15 now and wouldn’t try it on with me or her siblings but she still moans and creates for things she wants with her dad (guess who was the one who gave in to her as a toddler ;)) small pain now or a moaning 15 year old who moans for everything. Choose your battle lol

Yep I have one like that! She’s getting ever so slightly better, but my god I’ve said “use words, not whining” and “I can’t understand you if you cry, use words please” etc until I’m blue in the face!
It’s absolutely exhausting. If we ignore her she gets irate and screams/hits/kicks occasionally bites in a complete loss of control before eventually calming down and asking nicely. We do the cuddling to calm down etc, it’s just taking a really long time! I do suspect she is neurodivergent though.

This is literally the worst possible advice: throw a big tantrum and get a big cuddle as a reward.

As most the other responses say, ignore him until he behaves properly and it will stop. Just make sure to engineer a situation where you’re under no time pressure (so in your hat example don’t leave yourself too little time to wait him out).

My almost 3 year old twin girl is like this. Boy twin nothing like that he’s so chill. I know she’s a bit younger so I get it’s different but my god am I starting to lose the will. Today she has cried around 70% of the day. It’s been the day from hell. And she can talk so well, USE YOUR WORDS!

Honestly, just say stock phrases like 'use your words' or 'we'll try again with asking when you calm down' and walk away/ignore.

Yup, sympathies here. As others said "use your words, and i'll help you", "i'll come back when you're ready to talk about what you need", "you're having big feelings, i'll be here when you're ready to talk"... It's annoying as all hell, ours seems to do it more when she is having a growth spurt. We notice the pattern now, maybe that could be it too.

And that way he’ll learn that by crying he’ll not only get what he wants, but will get attention and a cuddle too 🙄

If the crying and whingeing gets him what he wants, he will continue to do it. Ignore it and then say when you stop crying and ask nicely you can have the hat/drink/whatever it is. Don't give in to whingeing. Yes it's hard but you are teaching him and that takes many repetitions, consistency and calm. Keep going.

Yes my son has an epic tantrum whenever he doesn’t get his way or is upset / annoyed/ tired. Anything can sent him into this mode without warning.
It is very tiring. I do try to ignore him but he can be relentless.
I don’t agree with @GiveDogBone offering a cuddle is the worse advice. At 4 they still may not be able to express their feelings. If it worked for you then great but some children may need reassurance. It’s also difficult to see your child upset for an extended period of time even if it’s over nothing. It’s not nothing to them at that moment in time 🤷‍♀️

Each child is different mine will follow if we walk away and continue to do so until he gets his way or he does ask for a cuddle and we come to an acceptable compromise.

Everyone knows their child best and works with that but totally with you on how difficult it is.

DD’s also 4, and also like this. She will cry and whinge for hours. Ignoring her/telling her to use words just makes it worse. Cuddling and making her feel seen also makes it worse. It’s exhausting and I also don’t know what to do. Sorry, that’s no help but you’re not alone OP!

That will teach him to cry for attention. And never need to use his words. It’s like rewarding him for behaviour you don’t want.

He needs the penny to drop that “my crying plan isn’t working anymore. Even when I tantrum I STILL don’t get my hat. What will I do now as I want my hat how do I tell her that…”

And hopefully at the slightest attempt at his first word or even the start of “h” you’ll reward him with the hat. Although after he gets the hang of “ha” I’d hold out a bit longer and make him say “hat” by saying the word until he repeats. Or whatever. Once he understands the game plan.

If he’s got siblings or a gran etc make sure they don’t hand over the goods when he cries. That’ll make the whole process longer as he will keep trying his crying routine as sometimes it works. Everyone needs to do the same thing.

Hilarious that people are getting wound up over my previous post!

Lots of people seemingly expect children of 4 to be able to reason and stop crying with a click of the fingers! Crying is an emotion - this is a diff scenario to the child repeatedly kicking a plane seat, for example.

If the OP doesn’t want to try my way then fine. But it’s worked for many, many parents and children. It does not create whiny needy or spoilt people. Absolutely ridiculous.

Have you considered he may have a neuro diversity affecting emotional regulation? Mine was like this and all became clear with a diagnosis at age 17.

I'm afraid I'd give this short shrift and start lying on the floor and theatrically crying myself every time he does it until he packs it in, so he gets the message on how irritating it is.

Definitely ignore. Children of that age are very cunning. I have twins and around the age of three, when one of them was begging me for something, i overheard the other one say to her "if you cry then they'll give it to you". That was an eye opener for me

Crying and whinging is absolutely not an emotion in this instance. It’s behavioural. I’ll cuddle my child when he’s crying because he’s hurt, sad, scared… that’s fine. Crying because you want a biscuit, or a toy, or whatever… no. Cuddle him and then give him what he’s whinging for? Might as well peel him a grape while you’re at it.

I actually consciously remember doing this when I was 5 to get attention. One of my first conscious memories (I was wicked). My mum and aunt were cooking in the kitchen and continued to chat between themselves (I was jealous of them having their time). I remember them remarking, she’s tired, she will go have a nap. I remember increasing my screaming for more drama and annoyingly yawning at the same time. To this day I remember they were right! So, my earliest experience would dictate, ignore and this will stop being a weapon.