Would you leave an 11 year old at home with a sleeping 4 year old for 20 minutes?

[Sadhappiness]

A very out of the ordinary situation has come up where I will be out, my 8 year old will be at Brownies and my eldest (11) will be at home (I'm usually ferrying her). Usually my husband takes our 4 year old to collect the middle one from Brownies, but on the odd occasion our 4 year old has been asleep our neighbour has come to sit in the house while he goes to collect her (we have very good neighbours). If he were to be asleep this week, would it be too absurd to leave him at home with his sister (with her knowing she can knock next door for help)? She hasn't spent any time at home on her own previously. She does love and trust our neighbour so i think she'd be fine about approaching them for help. And we would give our neighbour the heads up about all of this.

Ultimately, do you think that would be acceptable?

God no. Please don’t do this.

Nope

Yes

Why is 11 too young to be alone? Even in the UK, which errs very much on the later side of things, 11 is secondary school age and generally considered normal to be staying home alone.

I would yes but mine had been home alone plenty of times by age 11.

I would. At 11 I'm assuming she's at senior school? Walks there on her own? Has some street smarts? Knows and trusts the neighbour? I'd leave her looking after the 4 year old and give a heads up to the neighbour.

Absolutely not. Leaving an 11yr old for 20 mins if they are ready is fine, but leaving a child responsible for a younger child is a big no from me. You have someone who is willing to come in so let them. And regardless if the neighbour is just next door you would absolutely be putting the responsibility on your 11yr old.

Yes if your 11 year old is sensible of course you can leave them home for 20 minutes even with a sleeping sibling.

We’ve previously left our 11-year-old home alone for up to an hour and a half, and our 12-year-old for up to three hours during the day on weekends. In the evenings, we've left him home briefly to do sibling drop-offs or pick-ups, typically for 30–45 minutes and never later than 8 p.m. He’s very comfortable being at home on his own and actually prefers staying behind rather than coming along for his siblings’ activities.

Since Year 4, he has walked to and from school with a couple of friends, which has helped build his confidence and independence. He’s also spent time at the local park with friends since around age 9, and during the Covid lockdowns, he and his sibling (both under 11 at the time) were occasionally left home together for short periods. They've shown responsibility and maturity in all of these situations.

I think its fine.

My 12 year old niece babysits.

My 11 year old is far more responsible that her 13 year old sister and on occasion her 18 year old brother. As other posters have said, you know your children. I would, because my daughter is sensible and has good knowledge and sense to seek help in an emergency. But I wouldn’t make a habit of it. As a one off occasionally, no problem.

You know your children best, there's no right answer.
Do a risk assessment - Go through all the things that might happen in 20 minutes and score them for chance and likely impact.
Then as long as everything can be made either very unlikely (house fires are in that category) or very low impact (child crying but staying in their room are in that category) then it is down to you.
If there's a moderate chance of your child waking and your older child letting them go out and wander the streets, then no!

I don’t think leaving an 11 year old home alone is ‘lazy’. I often leave my 11 year old at home while I walk my other child around the corner to various clubs. Never for more than 30 mins. I’m not sure if I’d leave them with a 4 year old though. And definitely not for their first time being alone. If you are imagining having the eldest babysit the younger two in the future, it’s probably the time to start giving them some independence now and leaving them alone for short periods.

@Sadhappiness How is it lazy? I mean there are feckless parents but thoughtful parents may well chose to leave their dc home alone before 11 or let them walk to the park, shops etc. It's great for their confidence and independence. I'd argue that never leaving a 11 year old high school child alone is babying them unless there is SEN.

Yes I would

But no indication child sick like that.

Yr7 kids are all 11. Vast majority will be alone after school and sometimes before school if parents work

I think its more lazy parenting if parents don't try and teach their children the skills and confidence they need to be independent. Just leaving them alone without preparing, yeah that's lazy, but actually putting in the effort since they are toddlers to teach them how to do things for themselves, how to risk assess, what to do in emergencies and where to go and who to contact, how to travel independently etc. and giving them increasing opportunities to try out these skills even while it worries you - that's the very opposite of lazy parenting!

Yes. If the 4 year old was asleep and unlikely to wake up and, the 11 year old is sensible. It’s only 20 minutes.

Why would a 4 year old who is sleeping be randomly sick during a 20 min period? The kid's not a baby with reflux. A 11 year old should be able to deal with this in any case, the mother would be back before they know, 20 minutes is no time at all. I am concerned that 11 year olds are held back and not be given the experience and support to deal with real life. No wonder that so many teenagers have no confidence or real life skills if they are babied by their parents. Yet, they are likely allowed snapchat and tiktok on their phone.

Your kids have never thrown up in the middle of the night unexpectedly? Mine have....

Why not just leave the 4yo alone if nothing will happen....
We don't, becausewe know that something might happen. And a 11yo has never been left alone before could panic even without a sibling to look after.

Your kids have never thrown up in the middle of the night unexpectedly?

No never.

I suppose if this were a thing it may be better not to leave the 4 year old.

That's why risk assessment needs to be carried out.

@TheNightingalesStarling why would a 11 year old secondary school child panic to be left alone for 20 minutes? Learned helplessness?

No way! I’d drag out the 4 year old to collect their sibling, it’s really better to disturb them then leave them without ADULT supervision.

Well since the OPs child has never been left alone...

An 11yo who is regularly left alone might be mature enough. Some 10yos are competent than 14yos.