Should we move somewhere bigger before having a baby?

[Potentialfuturemother]

Hoping for some advice/opinions as my partner and I can’t agree on this. We currently live in a flat with a bedroom, a small ‘box’ study room and separate kitchen/sitting room. It is first floor and you have to immediately go up stairs to come in and there are very steep steps out the back to the garden. We are hoping to have a baby in the next couple of years and we have always planned to move in about that time to a house out of the city. I would far rather move first to give us more space for a baby and also be settled somewhere before giving birth etc. and I am happy to wait a little to be able to afford the move etc. however my partner doesn’t see the problem with staying in the flat and having a baby here (he says for up to a year). I wouldn’t mind this too much if he would give up his study room to turn into a small nursery/room for baby but he won’t consider this as he tends to work from home (goes to office twice a week but could in theory go more if necessary). I understand that we could of course have a baby in this flat and people have babies in tiny spaces all the time but it just seems like an unnecessary stress to me when we could wait. He is suggesting that we put things like changing table/other baby things in the kitchen/dining room which I personally think is crazy (it is a big room and there would be plenty of space but it just seems wrong to me!). Any thoughts or opinions much appreciated!

I'd be either having him give up the box room (if it's a big space he can have a desk in the dining room) or moving. If you have the option of having space when you have a baby, you want the space.

You'd have to schlep pram up and down stairs with shopping, every day. You'd have stinky nappies in your kitchen.

He's dreaming if he thinks this is a good idea when you're planning to move anyway.

As for not giving up the study, words fail me.

Move before the baby

I think you aren't ready full stop. If you were literally none of this would bother you. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?
And believe me, having moved house with small babies and whilst pregnant it's a fucking nightmare so if you can move BEFORE having a baby that would be better.

If he's going to wfh while you are on maternity leave he is going to need a separate office.

So it comes down to how big is your bedroom... can that fit a cot? You can have a changing unit on top and storage underneath

I don't use a changing table I'm on either the bed floor or couch. And good luck him wfm in a tiny space with a newborn baby especially if he takes phone calls has video calls!!!!!!!! He hasn't got a clue hahahahahahahhaha

I’d move first.
You don’t need a bedroom for the baby for a while but somewhere for all the baby stuff would be helpful.
I’d personally want to be able to at least leave a pram downstairs if I was in a flat and have level access to the garden.

Also, flat aside, if you’re planning on moving areas then I think it would be better to do that then get settled. Get to know the area, local NCT and baby groups etc.

I don't think your partner is ready to have a baby if he isn't willing to change the spare room into a nursery. As others have said, how does he plan on WFH with a newborn?? We lived in an apartment when we had our DD. DP used the spare room as his music room. Once DD was ready for her own room he moved his music stuff into the sitting room. It wasn't ideal but he was happy to do it cause DD needed her own room. We were ground floor and had access to a lovely green area. We have since moved into a house just before she turned two. Being in an apartment was fine when she was a newborn but once she started moving and needed more space/toys it was extremely crapmed. I also hated whenever the weather was nice cause we couldn't really sit outside. No umbrella etc. I would definitely move before any babies come along.

If you’re buying somewhere you want your salary history for a mortgage. I know of women who have been forced to wait years to move as had an unexpressed break in work post mat leave.

If the study isn’t going to become a nursery then it’s not realistic and I’d say this is a red flag as his actual intentions and/ or his understanding of what having a child is.

people do schlepp buggies up and down stairs but it’s a right pain and tricky with a baby and a pram.

Weirdly I feel babies have more crap when they are younger, change tables, bassinet, pram, cot, etc so ideally you'd want to move first, not to mention it would be a nightmare moving with a baby. You'd need to move anyway so you might as well do it before

We moved from a flat to a house when dc2 was 7 months old. TBH it was fine having the dcs in a flat, it was quite cosy. But the living area was large enough for a sofa area, 2 computer desks and it was open plan to the kitchen so we could keep an eye on everything. It was also an apartment block with a lift so no narrow stairs (no stairs at all within our flat which made it easier than living in a house imo).

DH had to wfh during the pandemic and that was fine, although dd was a toddler not newborn and we were out for walks during the working day. Depends on your lifestyle really - I've always tended to be out a lot with the dcs even as young babies, because they like buggy walks and there are lots of activities for babies/toddlers nearby.

Our house now is bigger and better, and it would have been nice to be here when the dcs were younger but we have fond memories of the old flat. The stairs will be an issue but many others manage with similar (buy a compact buggy not a travel system, and use a sling for as long as possible - I used one until dc2 was a year old and she was big!)

We've never had a changing table, and dcs just used spare space in our wardrobes for their clothes. So the only new furniture we needed were cots - we had 2 full size cots and a king size double in our room at one point.

I brought up my DD in a two bed flat and it was fine, apart from lugging the buggy up and down and having to take dirty nappies out straight away. You keep up your fitness, put it that way! We live in a city community where growing up in a flat is the only option for a family, because of financial or social reasons. So my DD used to visit friends flats on a nearby estate to play. She's now 18 and about to move on to university so all this totally normal and very different to my upbringing.

Both of us worked outside the home (I still do, DD's father moved out after our divorce) so space wasn't much of a problem unless we needed space for ourselves. There was a park nearby for DD to play in or for us to walk around, to blow off steam. But you had to plan park visits , it took a long time to get baby dressed and down the stairs, plus taking emergency supplies, snacks, water...

It was exH who never wanted to move. If I had my time again I probably would have moved to a cheaper area so that we had more space and DD had a garden to play in but that meant moving to a county town and ExH was too much of a city boy. I couldn't persuade him.

If you need a third room as a home office and you don't want the stairs struggle, move.

You can have a baby in a small space. It'll cry a lot when little and annoy the neighbours (but that's life). Taking the pram up the stairs will be a pain so you might just need a carrier instead. It's recommended to sleep in the room with your for up to a year anyway and you can just change baby on the bed (when tiny)/floor.

Moving with a baby is a bit of a nightmare and it's impossible to do any DIY afterwards. We did it with a 2yo and 1yo and I wouldn't really recommend it but you do what you have to. It's taken 2y to feel like we maybe have any spare time at all to think about fixing or changing anything.

We were in a flat for the first 18 months of DDs life and it was fine. She was in with us as the box room had a problem with damp (our room was fine). It was actually quite easy to move her around the flat in a Moses basket when she was tiny and nice not having to go up and down stairs to make bottles at night. We stuck a changing mat on an existing chest of drawers and used the floor for nappy changes as soon as she was a bit more mobile anyway.

I wouldn’t like the stairs though a I really relied on my pram and wouldn’t want to be lugging it up and down stairs all the time (and don’t think I could physically do it while holding the baby). It was also nice to be able to just wheel the pram inside or to a shady spot in the garden if she was still sleeping when we got home.

I agree that moving with a small child can be stressful. Our move corresponded with a really awful period of nursery illnesses when we were on our knees with exhaustion and it was really hard. If buying your next property it can also take longer than expected to find the right place and complete the purchase. We had planned to move much earlier than 18 months.

I am in London in a second floor 2 bed flat and a £1282 mortgage. I am 7 months pregnant and thanking my lucky stars I didn't move. I was made redundant just as I got pregnant and dh went on long term sick leave (on full pay for 6 months and now on income protection for 66% of full pay and has full pay for 4 months paternity leave). However despite all this shit happening, mortgage is still 30% of after tax income even at its absolute lowest and we could buy all new things for baby even though that's not essential and pay deposits for childcare (in preparation for return to work) as well as finance £700 for dh's medications every month..nhs waiting list is for 3 years so it is absolutely essential for us and dh employer pays for his insurance which covers the rest of the costs..

You don't know what happening around the corner. We had been v stable with rapidly increasing incomes since 2017 hence why we could afford to buy a London flat in our 20s. And the years before we had baby, we were overpaying 1k per month into mortgage and we saved a lot of money in addition (struggled with infertility for 10 years though only 2 years of active trying). Mostly because we were on 1k mortgage.

Our second bedroom is a single. We put my desk in there for now as well as a single bed if either of us needs a nap. Changing table, baby wardrobe and moses basket is there too and we have the cot in our room. When baby moves into his own room, I will move my desk into my room (I did work like that during the pandemic).. dh has desk in reception room as it always has been. I got a yoyo zen pram which is lightweight.

We would probably be glad of the mortgage when facing 2k childcare fees just like we were glad of it during our low point. Very early days but now I am pregnant, I know for sure that if I had to choose between a bigger place and private school fees (same cost as nursery), i would choose private school and tbh as long as our incomes were what they were pre baby, we could afford it on our low mortgage (particularly if we can save a good buffer for the fees when we qualify for free hours).. especially since my prediction is that london flat prices wouldn't rise for the next 20 years (my friend's flat in Coventry still is the same price it was in 08 and my friend's flat in Yorkshire is 50% of its original value in 08; London is following the same trend as prices have been flat for 10 years). So to me I would rather invest in education but I feel I wouldn't have known this before I got pregnant. In fact before I got pregnant I was dreaming of larger properties incessantly but now even if i had the money, all these things don't seem so important

In effect our flat would be a depreciating asset; however it has been invaluable for our little family cos there is no way you could ever have rented a 2 bed flat in zone 3 for this level of mortgage, flats like mine are renting for 2k. Dh just got a vasectomy so in effect we could stay forever.

Funnily when I asked whether I should move to a bigger flat pre baby, there were wise mumsnetters who said I should stay put and not be overleveraged during mat leave. Turns out they were right.

We were due to plan a move whilst pregnant but the pandemic started so it was put on the back burner. We had a 3 bed house where the 3rd bedroom was a small box. My daughter was 18 months before we felt emotionally capable of moving house as we had a very difficult first year with a reflux allergy baby and I had severe pnd including and admission to a mother and baby unit. It then took 6 months to move.

Prior to having our daughter we thought our house would have been big enough but we needed the spare room for my partner to sleep in during the week as our baby didn't sleep, we initially had the box room as a nursery but aside from getting clothes out of the drawers it was completely unused. My partner was working from home which we hadn't expected originally he had a desk in the spare room but we moved him into the box room by the time we moved we were both working from home sharing a desk. Your partner will need a baby free place to work. The living space quickly became crowded so you need to look at that as well as bedrooms.

On the flip side is the finances. I'm pregnant with our second and was made redundant in Feb. I'm facing 18+ months out of work. When we did move we went with a house at the bottom of our budget and I'm so glad now that we did as we can survive this career gap. We would be a lot more stressed if we had gone for the other house we put an offer on which was at the top of our budget and would now be in a trickier position.

Things for you to consider and discuss are is there room for baby to stay in your room for the first 2 years, if baby has the box room is there a contained space for your partner to work from home separate from where baby spends the day. How much living space do you have and how can accommodate baby stuff as well as your stuff. Headspace with moving before conceiving, whilst pregnant and with a newborn.

Living in a flat with a small box room is no issue. Going up and down the stairs with a pushchair would be an issue, but less so if you had somewhere to store it (car boot in dedicated parking right out front).

But you will need to think about where baby will sleep and where one of you (your partner) will sleep if you need the whole bedroom to yourself.

Ours slept with us all the time until at least a year, then slept in a cot, but came in and slept with me in our room from whenever they first woke up (11pm ish?). Dh slept either in a separate single bed or eventually we put a single next to our double for Dh. You don’t know what sort of sleeper you’ll have so having options (a spare room or a huge bedroom you can add an extra bed to, plus a cot) is really helpful.

But you also need to think of the practicalities of wfh and having a baby. I am the wfh one, so it’s never been an issue because I’ve been on mat leave when babies were small. I could then work from the kitchen table or the lounge because Dh was at work and dc were at nursery/school. It will be impossible to wfh without a dedicated and quiet office. What happens in the middle of an important presentation when baby is screaming? It’s different in a big house where you can go to a different floor, but more of an issue if you’re just on the other side of the wall.

So it’s totally possible, but it’s going to take some thinking about in terms of how you can change your set up and possibly your partner’s working pattern.

Unless you're much richer than your partner, I would get married before having a child and I would move to a bigger property before getting pregnant unless you're older and delaying would mean reduced fertility but even then I'd expect marriage first. It doesn't have to be a big wedding at all, you could even elope.

When you have a baby you end up at home a lot and they have so much stuff. Being cooped up in a tiny home is so depressing, mess shows up more in a small home.

But this man isn't marrying you, wants you to have a baby in a small room and not giving up anything when you're giving up everything. Is he even worth having a baby with?

It's also so stressful houseviewing and making a big decision of a new home when you are a new parent, baby might have been ill or you're sleep deprived. And then the decision fatigue while you move deciding what to keep or get rid, and all the logistics of it while also getting to know a new baby. Every stage at under 5 is really hard and different so 2 year toddler isn't necessarily easier than a new born. I think your partner wants you to struggle!

@Wavescrashingonthebeach What makes you think I'm not ready sorry? We're both about to turn 32, we're getting married this year and have been together for 12 years (lived together for 7).

Seen your lovely update, congratulations

@FrequenciesDetected we are getting married in a month. I think you are jumping to unfair judgements about my partner. We have been together for 12 yrs and he is a wonderful life partner. I think he just lacks the understanding of how difficult having a young baby is, but don't most men before they actually do it?

If there is nowhere secure to put a pram on the ground floor [that doesn't breach the terms of your lease] when you come in, then the flat is impractical.
On top of that, you or he will have two trips to unload the baby, then take shopping up the stairs, and then put the pram away.
If you have a carseat, it will have to be carried up and down the stairs.

These things can be lived with long term obviously but in practice, get pretty annoying pretty quickly especially if you have the finances to be elsewhere. It is sensible to use the time now to identify what area you can both commute from, which has decent childcare nearby and where you can both manage pick ups and drop offs from. His response to this will also tell you a multitude on whether he is ready to be a parent and an equal one at that.

As a pp said, also being settled in an area prior to birth is helpful to make new friends.

As for the box room. Babies sleep in the same room with you for 6 months so you have time. It may be more practical to have him working in that room if he is only in the office two days a week. Otherwise he'll be in the living room trying to work while you are on mat leave.

What would change my mind on this - if you are currently in catchment for an excellent maternity hospital.

Your DP is insane. Definitely move first.

Where will you keep your buggy/ Is your dh going to take the nappy bin out every night regardless of the weather. Where will you put the cot, the baby bath, the stacks of nappies? Will you both manage to sleep with a colicky baby screaming overnight. Have you ever tried to carry a baby and a buggy and some shopping upstairs at the same time. I have, it's not easy

When your baby arrives, you will both be exhausted, stressed, running on minimal sleep. Imagine having a teething grizzling baby in a one bed flat with your dp trying to work? Costs rise exponentially at the end of maternity leave because you'll be paying intown child care rates - and that's IF you can find a nursery in town.

Honestly - don't put that much pressure on your marriage before it's even started.

Move first, get settled, choose an area with a primary school and nursery close by. Work out your respective commutes so you can do pick ups and drop offs between you.

Being new parents is not easy. Do everything you can to make it easier, before it happens.

Although personally I think that sounds like your DP doesn't really want a baby yet.

Wouldn't moving cost a lot of money? For me it would cost 30k in stamp duty and moving costs alone (at least) plus a bigger mortgage during maternity leave.

Isn't that why so many london flats on the market have bunk beds in the second bedroom cos the parents want both sets of maternity leave to be over before increasing the mortgage. Which is inevitable if you buy a decent house in the Home counties.. and then you have season ticket costs and childcare costs for a baby plus rail delays.

Today I am paying £120 to install a loft ladder so we can put our junk in the loft lol. Got a folding bath from stokke. Cot is in our room and we have a moses basket in second bedroom and we will move my desk to my room when the baby moves to the second bedroom. Nappies are in the changing table (also in second bedroom).