Partner called me a horrible name after a tough day with the baby

[milliemummy87]

Hi all, I’m not sure if I’m overreacting, but I need some perspective.

Our baby girl is 9 weeks old, and today was one of those really hard days - she’s been crying a lot and I’ve been home with her alone all day while my partner was at work. I was feeling drained and emotional by the time he got back. When he came in, he was just pottering about, and I asked him to take her so I could have a break, which he did.

But she continued crying with him for the next hour, and then he tried to hand her back to me. I said something like, “I can’t just hand her back to you during the day when I’m on my own,” trying to express how I never get that kind of break. He responded by calling me a “cunt.”

It’s not the first time he’s said something awful. I don’t know if I’m just sleep-deprived and overly sensitive, but it feels so wrong. I’m trying so hard, and I feel like I’m failing. Has anyone been through anything similar?

You're not overreacting. That's awful.

That's made me feel sick, that's horrible. No, that's not okay at all. Sniping is normal I think with the sleep deprivation and the crying but using that word is not forgivable.

Every single couple on earth have snapped at each other while dealing with a screaming baby.

But, if my husband called me a cunt, I would have packed a bag and walked out the door.

In fact, he once called me a 'muppet', and that resulted in a conversation where I told him name calling was a red line for me and if it happened again I'd be reconsidering the relationship. It never did, and that was years ago.

No, that's just not acceptable. I'm so sorry. You are doing an impossibly tough job and deserve his support.

What a bastard.

You're not overreacting. It's a horrible reaction. It

However 1h of crying on top of general sleep deprivation and a long day of work does sound pretty rough. You don't really know what he had to deal with all day, anymore than he knows how things were for you. 9 weeks in can be pretty awful as a time for a couple.

Ideally you'd be acting as a perfect team playing tag to give each other breaks. He'd given you a 1h recharge time by the time he tried to give the baby back. Maybe he felt that you might have better luck getting her to settle?

So,I think you need to look at this in the round. Are you normally a team? Is this a one off shitty day? Are both you struggling and needing a bit more support from friends, family or professionals (talk to your health visitor)? Or is this an emerging pattern of verbal abuse that is escalating?

Don't overthink this at a time when you are both exhausted and struggling to adapt to a massive lift change (at a similar point I told my husband that I now had a baby, and he couldn't be one anymore so needed to bring an adult) . However, you are clearly worried thay this a pattern of verbal abuse emerging that could destroy your relationship and self esteem.

Oh, and are most definitely not failing. He is.

That's nasty. I think you need to be very clear that name calling in any circumstance is a red line.

It's very tough at the stage you are in. Remember if the crying is too much its ok to put the baby in a safe cot, take five minutes to get a break and a breath.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond.

This isn’t the first time he’s called me that word. A few days after the birth, he called me the same thing - over something as small as forgetting the red book on the way to an appointment (I made a comment that he hadn’t helped to get everything together for the appointment). I was crying in the back seat with our newborn, and he just kept repeating it.

No this is terrible OP. I've said similar things to my husband and would be appalled if he responded that way.

This is not acceptable at all. Do you feel comfortable to tell him that?

This is disgusting OP.

Abuse can start after the birth of a child and please be wary about this escalating.

Was he ok pre-baby?

He’s an absolute shit.

I did tell him not to call me that. I was crying and he just said, “But you are being a fucking cunt.”

I’m not comfortable confronting him because every time I do, he gets really defensive and can sometimes get even nastier. He brought some water up just now, but I know he won’t mention it tomorrow. He’ll just act like nothing happened.

He’s said really horrible things before - things I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy. Sometimes I try to talk to him about how I’m feeling or what’s happened, and he just tells me I only ever remember the bad things, never the good. But I do remember the good… it’s just that the bad things have been really painful. I can’t forget the way he speaks to me sometimes. He’s been very nasty in the past, and I remember it all.

It is very concerning & not acceptable. When you say he gets more defensive & even nastier what does that look like?

Sorry OP I crossed posts with you. That sounds utterly awful. And for a baby to be brought up with a father who speaks like that to their mum 😥

Oh hell no. You're not being sensitive at all, in fact I'd say you're under reacting given that he is still wandering round the house imagining he is at liberty to speak to you like that!

He’s never been physically abusive, but he gets really emotionally cruel. When I say he gets more defensive and nastier, it’s like he just flips and tries to break me down. He’ll twist what I’m saying, call me horrible names, make me feel like I’m the problem. It gets to the point where I end up crying and saying I’ve had enough. it’s only when I’m broken that he stops.

That’s awful. He doesn’t love you

I think this is the difference.

I have a similar aged baby, we've had similar disagreements. A little name calling but nothing as harsh as the C word. I think that's normal. It's always followed by an apology.

But, he has previous and is being very nasty to you during a tough time. The fact he was nasty to you beforehand is a hard thing to read.

Are you scared of him? Can you confide in someone?

This is emotional abuse. And it's just as serious as physical abuse. Don't think it's 'not so bad' just because he hasn't hit you

You need to consider leaving this absolutely abusive fucker.
Have you family who can support you?

God almighty don’t stay with this man.

Imagine him treating your daughter like he treats you. Imagine her growing up thinking this is how a man should treat her.

Please please speak to your midwife or health visitor about him. He is abusing you.

I think part of me feels embarrassed, or maybe ashamed. I don’t want people to judge me, especially because I’ve stayed. I told my mum once that he could get nasty but I’ve not gone into specifics.

Nobody will judge you lovely. You've done nothing wrong.

You need to confide in someone and get away safely.

This is abuse you are suffering.