Play date and other parent

[IDontLikeMondays88]

my little one is 5. He gets on fine at nursery - no neuro diversity suspected.

we have however struggled with his behaviour at home over the last few months. I’d felt things were starting to get better but we had a play date at a park over the weekend which didn’t go well.

he was rude and stroppy from the get go, then despite reminders from me re behaviour pushed the two other children there for some perceived slight. At that point I said ok we are going home and took him home. He was very upset by this and it was a huge fuss.

one of the things I have noticed is that one of the mums has made a few wee comments about my sons behaviour over recent weeks. Like nothing you could really challenge her on but little seemingly innocuous comments with a sting. I don’t have any issue with saying to friends it’s been a struggle with him recently but this isn’t a frank conversation it’s wee sneaky comments.

while I do think my sons behaviour at the play date wasn’t good, I also noticed this mum picking my son up on his behaviour a few times. For example all of them were running about with sticks it’s my son who is told no sticks.

after we left one mum texted to say hope everything is ok which I thought was decent of her - but the other mum (the commenting mum) I have just had radio silence from.

AIBU just to take a big step back from this “friendship”. I totally get that my son’s behaviour wasn’t good and we are trying to address this. However I feel there is some judgement from her and also now an element of my son now getting blamed for everything. I actually don’t want to put my son in the position where he may do something (even something minor) and get labelled as the “bad one”. For example we are invited to some things this other boy and his mum will be at soon and I am honestly just thinking make an excuse not to go.

Oh, the baby voice thing is because he’ll be feeling uncertain or unsure about growing up! Being a baby is easy and comforting. You don’t need to play with anyone, you don’t get told off, you just get all the attention and unconditional love!

When mine do it I say “big, strong voice” as I don’t like the negative type of “don’t talk in a baby voice” thing. Emphasise that he’s got so many interesting things to say but you can’t hear them properly unless he uses his big, strong voice. It is a phase and will pass.

With the attention thing, I’d maybe think about introducing Him Time and You Time. Get a timer or Alexa and start off with small amounts of time when you are having Mum Time. You are allowed Mum Time! He’s not allowed to interrupt and he has to wait until the timer goes off. You won’t actually get any Mum Time to begin with but he’ll learn to wait and that he’s not going to get a response from you until you’re ready. If he interrupts your conversations, you acknowledge that he’s spoken but ask him to wait until you’ve finished. A useful technique I used was teach them to put their hand on your arm when you’re talking to someone else. You then put your hand over theirs until you’re ready to speak to them. They know that you’ve heard them and that they’re in the queue for your attention.

If he pulls the washing off the line he doesn’t get to do anything else until it’s been picked up. Give him jobs to do around the house. You’ll have to do them again later, but busy work will make him feel grown up and responsible and teaches him to do things on his own.

You’re dealing with a lot of things at the moment. I know it can be impossible, but try and take some time for you…even if it’s having a nap in Tesco car park (yes, I have done that!). You’re the centre of the storm at the moment so you need to have the resources to keep everything on track. Find some quiet somewhere.

Sorry, but if a child with a track record of pushing and name calling who is already clearly in a bad mood is approaching my child with a stick, I'm going to stop them, regardless of whether there are other children playing with sticks.

My child can stand up for themselves if someone calls them a name but it's not up to you to decide if it's offensive or not.

See I don't understand comments like this. It's good for other people to pick up on bad behaviour as it reinforces its not just your mun or dad being unhappy (and that novelty wears off). People want a village, but only as it suits them.

But factually it wasn’t an offensive name?!!

my child has been called poo head and wee head by other children before - I just don’t give this stuff much time to be honest 🤷🏼‍♀️.

also I wouldn’t say my child has a “track record of pushing” - we have had several successful play dates with these people over the last few years but no it didn’t go well at the most recent play date.

thanks @Lolapusht for the constructive / practical advice - big strong voice is a good shout.

Hi op, my 5 year old daughter has just been diagnosed with Autism and play dates etc have always been a struggle for her, she struggles massively to regulate her emotions. Like your son, her nursery and school picked up next to no issues with her as she had learnt to mask. My daughter is has Autism and PDA (pathological demand avoidance) please don't just take schools word for it and if you are worried at all please speak to your GP or health visitor and ask for a referral to be checked for ASD.

As I said, I think in the case of name-calling it's better to let the child advocate for themselves but it's her choice to decide how much she wants to step in to protect her DC. That's not parenting your child, it's parenting her child.

The fact you are doubling down that "Jamie JoJo" isn't offensive when it was clearly done to mock the other child and the Mum clearly felt he didn't like it does indicate you veer towards being too permissive. DD was one of two with the same name at her nursery and the other children took to calling them "Little A" and "Big A". My DD (Little A) did not like that and the teachers put a stop to it and they were both known as "A (last name initial)". I didn't find "Little A" offensive, but she did.

And to reiterate, if a child who you describe as having some behavioural issues and being in a bad mood is approaching my child with a stick, regardless of what you think they are going to do with it, I would stop them because I don't want to risk my child getting hit with a stick.

I really have no idea how you can judge whether I am too permission or not from a mumsnet post but ok.

also he did not “approach” her child with a stick - they all were running about with sticks.

however thanks for your input as it’s made me think about how she might see it - and I have made the decision I will take a step back from the friendship.

If not going to same school just let it phase out. Tbh that naturally happens anyway. My kids dont see anyone they knew from preschool now apart from the kids who followed on to same school.

She may not mean it but if you're not feeling it just let it phase out naturally. You'll meet lots of new mums over the primary school years.

I think all kids have their times when their behaviour is not ideal, sometimes the priority is finding other parents who make you feel comfortable through it all.
FWIW if my kid was running around with a stick I wouldn't worry because I know she wouldn't hit anyone with it but if my friends kid was, I know exactly what would happen so I'd probably voice that they need to be careful with the sticks etc.

@IDontLikeMondays88 my daughter also speaks in a baby voice a lot of the time, has done for years, it's actually classed as stimming which is to do with Autism.

Hi @bananaramaaaa I wasn’t really concerned about autism but you have me thinking.

What were your concerns before your child was diagnosed

I agree @IDontLikeMondays88, they are exhausting. 20 times the amount of energy I have!

If you're worried about over energetic children playing, you should remove your child from the environment. Or get the other child's parent. Not approach other people's children. That is so inappropriate. You're the adult. You need to model the behaviour you want your child to see, which isn't bossing around other people's kids.

No. My child does not have to leave an environment because another child is behaving inappropriately. Neither is it my responsibility to "get" another child's parent. If you don't want another parent to approach your child, parent them yourself.

Could I just point out again that I was the parent who was near the children generally while the other parents sat a distance away and had coffee. At one point I was the only parent who actually had eyes on the children. I stayed near to my child and intervened and actually took him home.
thank you

@IDontLikeMondays88 from the age of around 2 my daughter started having major sensory issues, wouldn't walk on grass/sand, wouldn't eat cake without a fork, wouldn't wear certain clothes, wouldn't let me style her hair etc. Every time we had children her own age to our house to play she would end up lashing out if she got frustrated, found it hard to share, would hide in her bedroom. She has major separation anxiety when leaving me and I am the only one who can put her to bed, we read the same story every night, she has to say the same phrase to me every night before falling asleep. She has an extremely limited diet and refuses most food and has done since she was about 2.5 years old but she was an excellent eater before then. She directs all play with me and my husband. She lines up and organises all her toys. She collects items and hordes them.

Even with all this nursery and school would say "she's just shy" even though when they did the questionnaires for the autism assessment they came back as showing traits of autism. Teachers aren't always great at spotting the subtle traits of autism so children who mask at school or seem "high functioning" tend to go amiss.

@IDontLikeMondays88 oh and she would have regular meltdowns although these have recently calmed down a bit, but I think that's to do with me understanding her a bit more and the way to parent her.

I was told over and over at nursery there was nothing “wrong” with my son and he was just a “normal” little boy.

I struggled with everything you have and in his first term at school he was put on the SEN register for monitoring because he wasn’t able to mask (I guess) as well at school, which was much more structured. A much busier environment. Higher behaviour demands etc.

He is now awaiting assessment for AuDHD and having read up on it, he’s text book.

I’ve had soooooo many unpleasant comments from other parents over the years. It used to bother me. Now I understand because unless you have a child like this you really have no idea. One of my family members suggested it was a parenting issue. That was hard to come back from. Even with the referral they still seem to think he’s “naughty”. He’s not. He a little boy who struggles so hard to fit into a world that wasn’t designed for him. I’ll fight to protect and defend him with all the strength I have!

What I’m trying to say is don’t dismiss concerns around behaviour at home because he can manage in nursery.

@ThriveIn2025 totally agree with your post, well said. I have also experienced the same comments about my child from friends and family, it is really hard.