Play date and other parent

[IDontLikeMondays88]

my little one is 5. He gets on fine at nursery - no neuro diversity suspected.

we have however struggled with his behaviour at home over the last few months. I’d felt things were starting to get better but we had a play date at a park over the weekend which didn’t go well.

he was rude and stroppy from the get go, then despite reminders from me re behaviour pushed the two other children there for some perceived slight. At that point I said ok we are going home and took him home. He was very upset by this and it was a huge fuss.

one of the things I have noticed is that one of the mums has made a few wee comments about my sons behaviour over recent weeks. Like nothing you could really challenge her on but little seemingly innocuous comments with a sting. I don’t have any issue with saying to friends it’s been a struggle with him recently but this isn’t a frank conversation it’s wee sneaky comments.

while I do think my sons behaviour at the play date wasn’t good, I also noticed this mum picking my son up on his behaviour a few times. For example all of them were running about with sticks it’s my son who is told no sticks.

after we left one mum texted to say hope everything is ok which I thought was decent of her - but the other mum (the commenting mum) I have just had radio silence from.

AIBU just to take a big step back from this “friendship”. I totally get that my son’s behaviour wasn’t good and we are trying to address this. However I feel there is some judgement from her and also now an element of my son now getting blamed for everything. I actually don’t want to put my son in the position where he may do something (even something minor) and get labelled as the “bad one”. For example we are invited to some things this other boy and his mum will be at soon and I am honestly just thinking make an excuse not to go.

I understand how you feel OP, my son was always bigger than the other children and got blamed and called out as the ringleader, which he rarely was. It seems a shame for you and your son to miss out on the events though. I think I'd be inclined to ask her what she means when she comes out with the comments - you don't need passive aggression like this.

I think you should say something to her I know she's just a school mum friend but these kids are going to go through primary together I am just assuming it's school nursery here, anyway even if it's lighthearted or off the cuff, you need to let her know you have clocked her picking out your son, and don't do any more play dates with them for now.

Honestly if you're struggling with your son's behaviour then maybe someone else picking him up on it is a good thing - afterall he listens and behaves well at school so it's definitely situational with you.

Hi @CosyLemur so I should let another parent parent my son? Is that what you are suggesting?
i could easily make some comments on her son / her parenting but don’t.

They actually won’t go to the same school for various reasons.

I had been thinking we would try and keep up with them out of school but feel like might be best just letting it go.

Actually just letting it phase out is probably a good idea, I'd still say something though.

you dont want her parenting your son but were you doing it? Sometimes if people see a child seemingly getting away with things and not wanting their child to get hurt they feel no option but to step in themselves. Not saying this is the case but it’s what I immediately think of

I doubt she’ll initiate further meet ups after the pushing at the last one.

Yes I was the only one who was watching the children at times while the other two sat and had coffee.
i also took him home when i felt his behaviour was bad so I really don’t think it can be said I wasn’t actively parenting him.

Yes I won’t be initiating play dates either but it more around wider events I was asking the question.

I wouldn’t keep him away from anything but make it known to him you’ll take him home if he misbehaves.

Don't put up with this, you have to stand up for your son. If they are ALL running around with sticks and she singles your son out, then you need to point out that they are all doing it, not just your son. Don't be afraid to tell her that it isn't her place to tell your son off. She shouldn't be picking on a child, this is bullying behavior. She sounds horrible and yes, I would get as much distance as possible from her.

I think you should just go to whatever events you want to go to. The other mum sounds annoying, so if you don't want to be friends with her and your son won't be going to the same school as her son, there's no need to pursue a friendship between them. I also wouldn't worry about your son getting 'labelled' as the naughty boy - maybe she already thinks that, but it's irrelevant because (a) he won't know, and (b) you won't be seeing her and her son once they go to school, presumably in August?

I also think that although people on MN always say 'take him straight home if he doesn't behave', if you actually do people can sometimes notice your child's behaviour more because of the inevitable tantrum. I.e. they don't think 'good for that mum following through with her boundary and taking the child home', they think 'oh, listen to that child having a screaming fit'. So you just have to do what you think is right for your child and not worry about the other parents.

I think it depends on context. Like if my friend’s kid was hitting or pushing DD2 and I was the one there, I would have no qualms about saying ‘Stop hitting’ or ‘DD2 doesn’t like being pushed’ or whatever. If my friend was there and dealing with it then I wouldn’t.

If they all had sticks and she specifically told your child not to use them v a general shoutout to all the kids, her own included, then that’s just odd.

Sometimes you grow apart or just have different parenting styles that don’t lend themselves to play dates and stuff though.

This might not be a 'blame the parents' comment, but as someone whose neurodivergent children are now successful, happy adults in their 30s, I find it still hurts.

Now I can see why pp would immediately jump to the conclusion that children who behave well at school/other formal settings and behave 'badly' at home are being poorly patented but, I can assure you, that this is very usual for many ND children. The reason is that for ND children,' fitting in' or the correct term is masking, is exhausting.

Imagine yourself in a school where all the teaching is in an alien foreign language - for instance Chinese or Russian, if you speak English - where even the writing is unfamiliar to you. You spend your school day in lessons given in that language - teachers give instructions in that language - and you copy other people's actions because you don't understand what is required. You don't even know who to copy - it might be that you are copying someone being deliberately disruptive and getting in trouble for it. That is the experience of many of our children and it is exhausting for them.

They then go home - familiar, safe home where people understand them better. They are tired, uncomfortable and unable to mask any longer. They are done. And here's Daddy telling them to do something that they're too tired to do and Mummy putting unfamiliar food in front of them that smells so disgusting (or tastes so awful, or the texture is slimy) and they cannot cope any more. They are overwhelmed and melt down. They melt down because they know they are safe, they melt down because they are exhausted, they melt down because they just cannot cope.

I hope this little pen picture will help you understand the children, but also the parents, being bombarded with criticism and well meaning advice which doesn't help. It's worse when your child hasn't been diagnosed - you feel you need permission to take a different approach to your child, but without a diagnosis, how do you deal with accusations of 'pandering' to your child when all you are doing is trying to meet their needs. It is a very difficult path to tread, even before you try to work out how you yourself feel about your situation, when everyone around you seems to be quite willing to tell you what you are doing wrong.

It sounds like she’ll be keen to avoid you and your son anyway. I imagine she was probably stepping in because she felt that you weren’t. The other parents can take a step back and sit and have coffee knowing their kids will behave. You can’t because your kid is the one with the behavioural issues.
Maybe she thinks you’re not an effective parent. Who knows but whether you want to go out of your way to avoid her is up to you. It doesn’t sound like she will be pushing the friendship

Ok thanks @Gymmum82 for the character assassination 😩

I wouldnt avoid the other events, hopefully the fact that your DC was upset by leaving and now knows you would follow through on taking him home, he may learn a lesson from it. Just remind him again you will take him home of he misbehaves and follow through every time. Ignore the other mum, you did the right thing by removing him in that situation. It will get better but I wouldnt make him miss other events because of one persons opinion.

Totally uncalled for.

@PensionedCruiser - I have 2 ND sons and I LOVED your post so much. In fact I’m going to show it to a couple of my friends who are at the beginning of the loooong road to diagnosis and are struggling to understand their children. You described it so well. Thank you.

@IDontLikeMondays88 - I’ve been there. It’s hard. One of my closest friends is a bit of an “other child parenter” and has definitely not always picked her moments! She’s naturally super bossy and is now having a second career in education which she’s loving. At times, I found it really tough and embarrassing, BUT, and I think the difference here is that she loves my children and sees them as family - so a bit like a village. My DC are older now and adore her so it’s all good.

In your situation - is this your first child? I ask this because when my friend did it to my eldest i hated it. I wasn’t confident in my parenting skills and he was a VERY lively boy compared to her more chilled DD. Interestingly, he’s the only one of mine who’s NT. As I had the others I was a lot more relaxed and it didn’t bother me as much. That said, if you’re not invested in the friendship then let it go once they finish nursery. I would still go to the things you want to if you think your son will enjoy them but NOT if it’s going to stress you out. He’ll pick up on that which might then lead to unwanted behaviours.

You sound like you’re doing a great job. Don’t fret too much. 💐

@Gymmum82 you sound like a total delight. Do you need a nap?

“he was rude and stroppy from the get go, then despite reminders from me re behaviour pushed the two other children there for some perceived slight”

She’s sticking up for her children and stepping in when she felt it necessary.

I’ve either dropped contact with children that can’t behave or I heavily monitor play dates and will step in if they’re about to injure/upset my children.

Unless the other children were being wee swines to him, I’d say 5 is too old to be pushing two children.

Definitely continue to follow through with going home of he doesn’t behave.

Don't pay any attention to people that don't understand and just want to put the boot in!

Personally, I'd go to the other events & if at all possible to stay away from her and the golden child.

I would invite the other Mum from Saturday and her child to meet up again somewhere like the park where if you need to leave, they can still play at the park no harm done.

As another poster has already explained, Some ND children can learn to mask at school, but at all spent by after school or the weekends and meltdown with their safe people and safe places, I would definitely look into having him assesssed for SN.

even just having a look at some other ways to cope might help because taking him home may not be the best option for him

Forget about other people's comments - you will always get them.
You sound very embarrassed and defensive.

“my little one is 5. He gets on fine at nursery - no neuro diversity suspected.”

Most kids play up at some point.
If you're finding the other parent less pleasant to be around, then don't go out of your way to socialise. Keep teaching your son how to interact successfully with other children. If he is ND he might be benefitting less from it anyway. My DD much preferred to play by herself as a child but has got better at being around others as she's got older.
No need to foster this particular friendship for the option of our of school friends - others will come along.
It's fine to support other parents with consistent messages around behaviour and people will - naturally - look out for their own kids, but it sounds like this situation isn't really working for you right now.