How to deal with racist comments made by grandparents

[FTM1993]

My partner's parents will sometimes use racist phrasing when referring to people. I won't word it on here as it will cause offence. My kids are now getting to ages where they will ask, 'what does this mean?' etc. My partner and I have always corrected his parents when they have said racist terms, and on multiple occasions my partner has spoken to them about it away from the kids. You wouldn't believe how frequently things can come up in conversation (completely unnecessarily) for example a description of a shop cashier that is irrelevant to the story they are telling. I don't know how to go about this as we have tried to be direct with them. I don't know whether to simply tell my kids, 'your grandparents use words that are offensive and unkind and we shouldn't be using those words', because nothing else seems to stop them, it's like it's engrained in their language. Not that that is an excuse for it at all. Its got to change because we don't want our kids to be alone with their grandparents where myself or my partner aren't around to correct their language and call them out. Any advice appreciated please.

I’d bloody call them right out on it. If you can’t do that, their contact with my children would be severely limited.

If they won't educate themselves and change so they can see their grandchildren then unfortunately contact needs to be limited and supervised.

That's what we have had to do with family. We only do supervised visits and short ones. Otherwise it can be so damaging to the children. We don't want to give them a lifetime of unlearning to do.

Tell them they won’t be seeing the grandchildren until they stop using such language. They can shape up or ship out.

'@SapporoBaby · Today 08:41

Tell them they won’t be seeing the grandchildren until they stop using such language. They can shape up or ship out.'

This!

They know full well what they are doing OP and they believe they are no consequences to their racist comments.

You and your partners need to make it clear that they won't be seeing their grand kids if they carry on and be prepared to follow though.

We had the same (and other issues with them too.)

We pulled them up on it, limited contact when they didn’t change, as our kids got older they also told them it wasn’t acceptable. Now we don’t see them at all. No real loss, they brought zero positivity to any of our lives and our children are glad they don’t have to put up with them.

I find it irritating and unsure if it is really racism or just stupid ignorance/intransigence. Some older (but not that old, 60s) relatives can't talk about people who are not white and British without bringing in their nationality, ethnicity etc into the conversation even when it's not relevant at all. Example: talking about guests on Richard Osman's House of Games and saying it was "her off the Sewing Bee, some DJ and a comedian I don't know and a coloured chap I don't know either". How that helps identify the panellists I've no idea. When I've pulled them up on "coloured" they say they always thought it was a polite term. Despite telling them several times they still say it.

My father in law did this and it was horrifying. I let it slide while we were dating as it wasn't really my place but was 0% interested in my children hearing any of that nonsense. I gave him a warning and then every single time he did it I'd immediately say 'Grandpa is naughty' and take my daughter out of the room. My husband told him that we would just stop visiting if he couldn't get a hold of himself (we live abroad) and he stopped. You need to make a concrete choice about what the results will be if this continues and then do it - this is awful and really needs to die out with that generation. Your children will 100% repeat something horrible eventually.

Will it die out with that generation though @PurpleThistle7 - I've heard some much younger people say some terrible things.

I live in hope! I can only correct it in my own home but the things my grandmother would say are definitely not things we say now. But yes - all sorts of horrible things are said by people of all ages.

MIL will sometimes talk about “the nice coloured nurse” and EVERY SINGLE time I call her out and say she can’t say that. Your PILS comments sound worse. If a direct conversation doesn’t work I’d be limiting contact severely. Your kids will pick up on it and risk repeating stuff and offending people/getting into trouble/being labelled as racist.

My StepMiL (formerly) would say “coloured” or prefix describing someone by their ethnicity or skin colour (not necessary) in front of my DD and her dad and I would repeatedly say, that’s unacceptable! But she kept making these references so we had to tell DD that the way she described people was not on and she shouldn’t copy her. DD is a legal adult now.

It’s not fair on your own children to put them in a position where they listen to racists. If they repeat any of it you are risking them getting in trouble at school…or getting a punch in the face.

Please don’t make this an age thing. Explain to them clearly and calmly which of the words they use are unacceptable and say that you can’t have your children hearing those words. That puts the ball firmly in their court. But, as I said, it’s nothing to do with their age.

My FIL is like this. Luckily he lives abroad so we don't see him often. I let a few nasty comments slide pre kids, but after that I told DH that if he did it again he wouldn't be in our home or seeing our kids. He moaned a bit in the vein of 'you can't say anything anymore' but stopped. Ironically I'm mixed race and so are his grandkids but I think he put us somewhere else in his mind. He's an equal opportunities racist though. He hates Scottish, Welsh, Mexicans just as much as black and Indian people. Oh and women too!

We call it out as offensive and unacceptable when it happens in front of the children. Explain to the children later why it was so offensive. Our oldest can call them out in it on her own now but it does mean we limit time they spend alone with them.

I don't understand why they do it. They live in a multicultural area and are more educated than other older people I know who would never be so racist.

it’s not always easy to call out (still should do it) but we end up with them saying something awful still then eye rolling and “oh can’t say that can I?!” in an awful joke kind of way. Which is infuriating

My FIL is a racist arsewipe. The first couple of times I gritted my teeth and asked him politely not to say things like that in front of the kids. He carried on so I told him he had 2 options, keep his racist bullshit away from my kids or I keep my kids away from him. Seems to have worked for now. They are both still young so fortunately they don’t catch what he’s saying but I wanted it sorted before they got older.

Depends how much is describing and how much is ACTUALLY racist.

If they're being hateful, I wouldn't have my kids around them full stop.

If they say 'the wee pakistani shop accross the road' or 'the builder was a big tall black fella with a nose piercing' sorry but those are just descriptive. Just because extra descriptive factors aren't necessary, doesn't make them racist.

Unless they're using proper slurs obviously. Which would be hateful and racist and mean you shouldn't have your kids around them. They aren't mentally incompetent so they know it's wrong.

I have someone like this in my family. They’re old and language has changed. I have always managed to explain this to my dc, visiting them is like reading a Famous Five book, not malevolently meant but of it’s time. They are teens now and have always understood. None of us would consider cutting a much loved family member off for this. If they were genuinely racist and nasty it would be different.

Language changes. That will be you one day being "educated" by someone half your age for saying things that were once perfectly acceptable.

Here they come. 🙄

Challenge. And if they won’t change, cut contact. My Dad wouldn’t been 101 this year and did not have a racist bone in his body.

’Acceptable’ langage changes constantly. Often the change is driven by whatever is the latest fad coming out of American universities. An obvious example of this is the term ‘BAME’, which was ubiquitous until very recently, until it suddenly became deemed ‘unacceptable’ seemingly overnight.

Given this pace of change, it is inevitable that many people will be left behind. It is absolutely true to say that the word ‘coloured’ was once considered a polite euphemism to describe a black or Asian person. Many of the older generation may still use it in that context, and be enirely well meaning in doing so.

Obviously, none of this excuses deliberate or blatant racism in any way. We can all agree that such language should always be called out. But perhaps a bit of tolerance towards older people who inadvertently use the ‘wrong’ word, while explaining to children that language changes with the times, would be a better approach than jumping down people’s throats.

I’m 100% prepared and accept that. Language changes and it’s very self centred and a bit dim to not cope with it.

Sorry, why is it offensive to refer to someone’s skin colour?? I would describe someone as a tall white guy, or a short black guy, plump East Asian looking woman…