How to deal with racist comments made by grandparents

[FTM1993]

My partner's parents will sometimes use racist phrasing when referring to people. I won't word it on here as it will cause offence. My kids are now getting to ages where they will ask, 'what does this mean?' etc. My partner and I have always corrected his parents when they have said racist terms, and on multiple occasions my partner has spoken to them about it away from the kids. You wouldn't believe how frequently things can come up in conversation (completely unnecessarily) for example a description of a shop cashier that is irrelevant to the story they are telling. I don't know how to go about this as we have tried to be direct with them. I don't know whether to simply tell my kids, 'your grandparents use words that are offensive and unkind and we shouldn't be using those words', because nothing else seems to stop them, it's like it's engrained in their language. Not that that is an excuse for it at all. Its got to change because we don't want our kids to be alone with their grandparents where myself or my partner aren't around to correct their language and call them out. Any advice appreciated please.

You must say something, just because they are older/ignorant doesn’t make it right.

My DM was vile in the way she spoke about certain races/ethnicities etc. It ended up with 2 of my DC refusing to see her and then me cutting contact for myself and other DC. I’d give them one warning. Pack it in or you won’t be seeing me/us/kids.

I think there is a massive difference between using incorrect terms that have changed over the years to being actually racist and vile. I wouldn't correct somebody in their 90s using a describing word but I would say something if they said something that I wouldn't be able to say on here without getting banned.

Bit harsh will you be ok with your kids giving you one chance before going no contact in 30 years time when the world is a very different place and the words you use now are suddenly going to become unacceptable

Someone at work described a person as half caste and then coloured to me in a meeting. I am mixed ethnicity.

I spoke to them about it separately and they were aware of the impact, apologies given, respect and understanding given to each other. Moved on.

Grandparents are adults, yes they are older but to treat them as if they are unable to learn or understand because ‘that’s how it was in their time’ is a bit infantilising.

The words my father in law was using were not like these examples. They were horrifying and there was no situation where they’d be okay to repeat. It wasn’t the weird thing certain people do of describing people by skin colour or nationality for no reason whatsoever

Absolutely this. If I wouldn’t associate with a racist, too bad, I’m not knowingly allowing them around my children either.

Your children need to hear you saying to their grandparents that it is not acceptable language and not to use it. They need to know to speak up and that it is wrong. At the moment they are hearing their language but not hearing that it is wrong.

How do your in-laws respond when you have both spoken to them?

There was a lot of other stuff that had gone on over the whole of my life. She was abusive and nasty my whole life and that was the final nail in the coffin. It was worse than just words. She’d laugh and make jokes about the poor kids who drowned/died escaping during war.

I know plenty of people her age and older that aren’t racist. There’s no excuse for it.

Well that's completely different to what you originally wrote about 1 chance then no contact. What your saying now absolutely as that is beyond disgusting

Thanks for all the comments, it's interesting to hear people's opinions and advice :) just to be clearer as I probably wasn't very clear on my first post, the comments they use to describe people are not just, 'the lady was Asian', for example, but are derogatory and racist terms. We have spoken to them multiple times, in front of the kids as well as physically covering my child's ears, and their response is always, 'I know, I know, sorry' but the behaviour continues so they are either not thinking before they speak or just not taking us seriously enough. So I think we will have to sit down with them and say that we will not continue to see them unless they get a grip of themselves as I'm not having my kids repeating those words.

I was wondering this too. What is one supposed to use? An IC code, perhaps?

Describe people’s skin colour when you’d describe it if they were white. Sometimes it’s totally relevant. If it was just a funny cashier or a kind bus driver, race not relevant to the story, why mention it? It must be very tiring to always be eg ‘the black lady’ in every anecdote - or to suspect you are, as I’m sure you don’t do it in front of people, but maybe you do it to your mixed/black/brown friends.

It's offensive when the descriptive words used are racist, outdated terms. I won't use them on here.

It's not offensive if it is a police search for a suspect or a witness. It's totally irrelevant when describing the bloke who serviced your car or the woman who did your hair.

My parents are a bit racist. It's mostly the over descriptive type, but occasionally a bit of stereotyping too. My mum also once told my DC that it was OK to do something because no one would challenge them because they are white. It's probably true that white people can get away with things that others can't due to racism, but I don't think it's OK to use that as a white person. So it's somewhat subtle, and we have discussed it with the DC to make it clear it's not ok. My DC are so aware of it that they sometimes describe them as their racist grandparents.

I'm fairly certain that I will get corrected by generations below. Probably for pronouns, I really struggle with them.