My child has been ditched by her old best friend

[Petalneedsadvice]

My daughter has been treated really badly by her old best friend.
my daughter was inseparable with another child for the whole of reception and year 1. At the end of year 1 her mum messaged me to say she was moving to a different class. My daughter and I were left absolutely heartbroken. Mum implied that the girls could remain the best of friends even though they were going to be in different classes. Since then this mum has made zero effort for the girls to remain friends. In the meantime I was arranging play dates so my daughter could see that it was possible to still be friends even though they were in different classes. My daughter was hurting so badly and I would do anything to make her feel happy and soften the blow. i had a year of sleepless nights over the whole thing as I felt totally rejected for my child.
my daughter struggled her way through year 2 while the other girl was thriving in her new class with her new friends which was also hard to witness. At this point I was struggling to talk to the girls parents (we used to walk to school together everyday!) for everything I feel like they put us through but continued to be the considerate one as I hate confrontation. It has been the most difficult situation.
it is now nearly 2 years on and my daughter made some new friends and is doing ok as I have worked hard to build her confidence and develop her hobbies etc. however her new best friends are now both leaving the school, I feel like my daughter has been unlucky and I feel nervous as to how she will feel about going to school in September when they are no longer there.
the old best friends new friends are now not very nice to my daughter. I think they feel like this child is now ‘there’s’. It’s hard to explain but I am pretty sure none of the girls talk to my daughter and just kind of stare at her. I’m now feeling a sense of relief that it didn’t work out because I wouldn’t want my daughter to be part of a group of girls who stand around the playground staring at other girls. It sounds as though she is best out of it but I still find this so so sad considering how close they once were.
this year my daughter was invited to her party by the mother and then the invitation was retracted. I think this has been the final straw for us. I heard my daughter say to my son ‘she’s not my friend anymore, she’s just someone I know.’ So so sad.
the mum feels terrible for ‘uninviting’ my daughter from the party and is now trying to arrange a pity party with my daughter to make up for it. just seems weird that she’s been invited around for a sleepover when her daughter doesn’t talk to my daughter at school! She says her daughter really wants her to come around…is this really true or is it just to ease the mums guilt! There was a time my daughter would have loved this but it seems somewhat cruel to send my daughter around to their house.
anyway I’m not to sure what I’m hoping this post will achieve its the middle of the night and I’ve woken up thinking about it and just thought I would put it out there. It’s a complex situation and I am sad we have somewhat been caught up in it.

Whatever the details of the other side...The mother clearly was doing what she thought was best for her child.
Given by your own account her dd is thriving in the new class it seems to have worked for her.

You need to do what's best for your Dd.

Stop investing time and energy in the mother and daughter (its going no where) and arrange some play dates for your dd with some kids from her class or her hobbies outside school.

Yes you are right, everything you said I know. I just am still finding the situation incredibly sad 2 years on and I do just need to get over it but finding it so hard. I am so upset with the mum. I thought we were friends and I would never have done this to her and her daughter. I feel like she has no idea what she’s put us through.

It sounds like it has been hard and I have sympathy.
But also, as a parent to two teenage girls, you have got to build some resilience yourself and not get so emotionally invested in your daughter’s friendships. She will pick up on it and it will affect how she manages things.
She will have many friend and acquaintances over the next decade. Some will end well, some will end badly.
None if it is helped by you finding it ‘incredibly sad’ and thinking the other family ‘have no idea what they have put you through’
Also worth pausing and thinking how much is this reminding you of any of your own childhood friendship struggles? Make sure you don’t bring baggage into your daughter’s friendships.
You say that you are teaching your daughter resilience, but maybe you need some help with yours too.

Honestly OP you are far far too affected by this.

You were heartbroken that the daughter moved classes? Had a year of sleepless nights “everything they have put us through?”

Friendships are so fluid at that age that kids fall in and out of them regardless of what class they’re in.

Also, why did the girl move classes? Could it be because the parents wanted her to make some different friends if only she and your DD were friends? I’d suggest from your OP that perhaps the girls were too close, which if they don’t have other friends actually isn’t a good thing.

You need to build resilience OP because honestly friendships are so fluid at this age that you’re going to do yourself no good if you’re heartbroken every time your daughter loses a friendship.

And bear in mind sometimes she will be the one ending the friendships

You sound really enmeshed in all this, she is not an extension of you and of course she will have issues adjusting if you cant cope with it

Children do not always keep the same friends and you are not doing your child any good but not coping with this, if you genuinely cant cope then seek counselling

Yes - definitely build some resilience.

I only talk to one of my friends from primary school and I’m plus 40!

Let go… there will be so many friends that come and go… tell your daughter that’s ok … it’s the way of life… she will make and lose friends.

I think investing in after school activities are also good.

This sounds horrible and I feel for your DD. You need to be very breezy about the whole thing or it will make her feel like this is a bad thing. While it hurts now, overall it will be good for your daughter to learn to make new friends and it sounds like the other girl and her parents aren't very nice (without knowing their side), so this sounds like it's for the best. Get her to join some groups and activities so she can meet new people and gain some confidence. It's hard to see them hurting, but hopefully it won't last long and she'll bounce back soon

Massive over reaction on your part. Having sleepless nights? And 'All they have put you through'????
Kids at that age swap friends all the time. The mum hasn't done anything except support her daughter in her new class.
You should be doing the same and try to encourage new friendships.
Maybe the friendship wasn't reciprocated from their side?
I had this with an over bearing friendship in year 1 which the teachers could see and I was very happy when they changed classes for year 2. It gave my child the chance to have new friendships and get away so to speak.
The other girl is thriving as she should be. Support your child in new friendships and move on.

Firstly, of course you don't send your child for a sleep over. The mother is clearly playing stupid, and unkind, games. Secondly, you need to stop grieving for the friendship. I suspect that your daughter is picking up on your sadness and she won't be able to move on while you are behaving as though her friend moving classes and making new friends is the worst thing that could have happened to your daughter. Never the less, you did well to help her build new friendships. Of course it's unfortunate that her two best friends are leaving but you've got the remainder of this academic year to help her build friendships that she can take into the next academic year. Good luck!

I avoid parents who are over invested in children’s friendships. I think it’s odd & usually about them and their own issues around friendships.
Even teenagers change friendship groups. It’s normal and not a problem.

In my experience the most popular children are easy going and quietly confident. They can just make friends with anyone. I can’t imagine why you would expect a young child to commit themselves to being your daughter’s lifelong bestie.

The mistake the other parents are making is not being direct with you. I can see what’s likely gone on behind the scenes and they’re trying to be kind but it’s dragging it out.
You aren’t their concern and shouldn’t be yours. It’s all too much for such a non event. You’re making it much worse for your DD.

It's not weird @Opineto have empathy if your child is hurting, she's only 6 fgs. More weird not to care what's going on in your children's lives.

@justmeandmyselfandi Didn’t say it was weird to care if your child is upset. I said it’s odd to be over invested. Over invested is not the same as caring if they are socialising well.

op are you still best friends with your best friend from reception?

Honestly you do need to build some resilience and help Your dd to do the same because I guarantee this will not be the last friendship drama she has.

@justmeandmyselfandi nobody is saying you shouldn’t care. But to be “heartbroken” about another child moving class, have a year of sleepless nights, and still to be this upset and over Invested 2 years later is not healthy for anyone.

OP you do need to try and develop some resilience around how you are going to manage your own emotions regarding girl friendship groups.
if you think it’s bad now, wait until your DD hits the 10/11 mark.

how you are reacting is not helpful

It’s normal and healthy for classes to get mixed up and friendships change . It’s good for kids to learn the skill of making friends and maintaining friendships .

i understand though, my ds is autistic his social skills have always been several years behind his peers. In year 1 he developed a close friendship with a little girl in his class, I was thrilled. We often walked to school together, I’d arrange play dates in the holidays. This lasted two years and then they were separated in y3, similar situation the mum stopped arranging/agreeing to meet up. I wondered if she requested it and wanted her dd to branch out and make new friends as their friendship was very emeshed. I was gutted for my son as he struggles to trust other kids (due to bullying) I knew he would not have another friend like that. He did try a bit in year 3 and joined the football team, but he got bullied and since then he just ignores the other kids. Hates school.

All you can do is encourage new friendships, does she have any hobbies/clubs? She made two friends last year, she can do it again.

You need to set by example op. You need to be the one to acknowledge it’s sad but encourage her to play with other children. Having a best friend is not always good - better to have lots of friends so you’re not putting all your eggs in one basket. I definitely wouldn’t be sending her for a sleepover there when they don’t play together anymore.

This especially with this info from op
Yes you are right, everything you said I know. I just am still finding the situation incredibly sad 2 years on and I do just need to get over it but finding it so hard. I am so upset with the mum. I thought we were friends and I would never have done this to her and her daughter. I feel like she has no idea what she’s put us through.
This happened 2 YEARS AGO!! it's not like they were BFF and the other girl ditched her at 17...
It sounds very very intense, and probably a factor in the class move, which from mn, I see doesn't happen lightly by teachers.

Sorry op but your behaviour here is not healthy. Pushing a “best friend” narrative on such young children is unhelpful and cloying. Clearly the other mother thought so too as she obviously engineered her child out of the intense friendship you seem to crave. Your reaction of sleepless nights and “what you have been put through” over a 6 year olds friendships is frankly concerning.

God help you when she hits 13 if you keep this up.

You need to be kind and supportive but breezy. Dd1 had a best friend my lovely friends Dd from 3 got to year 8 Dd moved on now they barely speak. Both mine have been through several friendship groups before solidifying in year 9. Even now at 16 and 18 they make new friends and drift from old which is normal and natural.

Permanent friendships not necessarily great. One group from primary have over bearing mothers who are best friends the girls are still in their tight little group from primary at 16. It’s not great they aren’t invited to any parties and only see each other - each of the mothers has said to me separately their Dd wants to break out. They are all being sent to different 6th forms I notice.

In our school the classes are mixed up every year and the children are fine with this. It’s good for them to make new friends.

You can’t get this invested in your child’s friendships as it will very likely get worse (at 10/11 in particular, as a pp has said).

On the other side, at that age (reception/ yr 1) my DD had a girl who attached herself to her and told her that if she didn’t play with her/ if she played with anyone else she would tell a teacher on her!

My DD’s friendships totally changed once she hit high school, she barely speaks to her previous best friends from primary!

Absolutely think this is actually about your own struggles with friendship - it doesn’t sound like a healthy level of feeling in the context

This is so intense. Young friendships are transient. You'd be best off trying to help your DD deal with that instead of getting so worked up and invested in her friendships.

I know it's awful seeing your child upset, but do you think it's possible your reaction made it worse? I agree it's possible that the other mother thought the girls were too reliant on each other.

At this point I was struggling to talk to the girls parents (we used to walk to school together everyday!) for everything I feel like they put us through but continued to be the considerate one as I hate confrontation. It has been the most difficult situation

Read this back. This sounds like a jilted ex-lover, not a parent of a primary aged child. It's completely disproportionate. I think you might need to consider whether you have come across as over involved to the other parents and whether this might be a factor in what happened? Not to blame yourself, but as something to learn from.

Friendships change and kids can be mean. If she's having a hard time, speak to the school and that includes in September if she's struggling without her friends there.

I suspect the mother asked if her daughter could move class because she was finding your behaviour completely over the top and weird.
sorry, not trying to be mean but that’s what I think happened.
let your daughter be, for goodness sake. She sounds lovely and has made new friends. Good for her.

I don’t think it’s that healthy to be so attached to just one friend, particularly at that age. Maybe that’s what the other family felt.

Agree with others about you needing to be less enmeshed here.
It is very sad to see your child unhappy - try to be breezy and forward looking .

Having said that , you are better off moving away from this girl and her mother . Uninviting from a party is horrid and I was not want my child in the care of the mother especially over night. DD is too young for sleep overs to be easy .

In the kindest way OP (I say this with young adult DC) you need to toughen up. The way you have described this is akin to something horrific happening and it hasn't. Wait until they start secondary school, it can be a friend nightmare.