My child has been ditched by her old best friend

[Petalneedsadvice]

My daughter has been treated really badly by her old best friend.
my daughter was inseparable with another child for the whole of reception and year 1. At the end of year 1 her mum messaged me to say she was moving to a different class. My daughter and I were left absolutely heartbroken. Mum implied that the girls could remain the best of friends even though they were going to be in different classes. Since then this mum has made zero effort for the girls to remain friends. In the meantime I was arranging play dates so my daughter could see that it was possible to still be friends even though they were in different classes. My daughter was hurting so badly and I would do anything to make her feel happy and soften the blow. i had a year of sleepless nights over the whole thing as I felt totally rejected for my child.
my daughter struggled her way through year 2 while the other girl was thriving in her new class with her new friends which was also hard to witness. At this point I was struggling to talk to the girls parents (we used to walk to school together everyday!) for everything I feel like they put us through but continued to be the considerate one as I hate confrontation. It has been the most difficult situation.
it is now nearly 2 years on and my daughter made some new friends and is doing ok as I have worked hard to build her confidence and develop her hobbies etc. however her new best friends are now both leaving the school, I feel like my daughter has been unlucky and I feel nervous as to how she will feel about going to school in September when they are no longer there.
the old best friends new friends are now not very nice to my daughter. I think they feel like this child is now ‘there’s’. It’s hard to explain but I am pretty sure none of the girls talk to my daughter and just kind of stare at her. I’m now feeling a sense of relief that it didn’t work out because I wouldn’t want my daughter to be part of a group of girls who stand around the playground staring at other girls. It sounds as though she is best out of it but I still find this so so sad considering how close they once were.
this year my daughter was invited to her party by the mother and then the invitation was retracted. I think this has been the final straw for us. I heard my daughter say to my son ‘she’s not my friend anymore, she’s just someone I know.’ So so sad.
the mum feels terrible for ‘uninviting’ my daughter from the party and is now trying to arrange a pity party with my daughter to make up for it. just seems weird that she’s been invited around for a sleepover when her daughter doesn’t talk to my daughter at school! She says her daughter really wants her to come around…is this really true or is it just to ease the mums guilt! There was a time my daughter would have loved this but it seems somewhat cruel to send my daughter around to their house.
anyway I’m not to sure what I’m hoping this post will achieve its the middle of the night and I’ve woken up thinking about it and just thought I would put it out there. It’s a complex situation and I am sad we have somewhat been caught up in it.

You and the other mother need to stay out of kids friendships. It sounds like the other mother is toxic, controlling and likely has mental health issues.

I didn’t get from the other mother. Wonder what her side of this would be!

It’s really hard but you have to detach yourself more. You have to model to your daughter ‘it’ll be fine, that’s a shame but we can make new friends’. I understand how upsetting it is but you need to come across to your daughter as more relaxed and easy going about friends.

l agree with the others, you need to take a massive step back. I wonder if the mum
moved class because of the intensity of the friendship, to be heartbroken about a 6 year old moving class is a massive overreaction.

Your daughter is learning from you and you need to model the behaviour. Encourage her to play with lots of other people, maybe try out of school clubs too to built friendships and confidence.

Unfortunately this is really common, to the extent that I would say it's rare to get through primary school without friendship issues at some stage. My DD was relatively lucky, but there were times (year 3 and year 6 for her) when she fell out with friends or was treated badly and felt very upset. Support your DD in forming new friendships with children who are kind to her, and moving on from those which make her sad.

As the parent of a child who struggled through primary school with friendships, and some of secondary school as well, I echo what others have said. As hard as it is at the time, handled well it can help your daughter be much more resilient in the future. My son is about to head off to Uni- he has the confidence to do this, he is not worried about leaving his friends (as some of his friends are) as he has learnt that he can make new friends and that his true friendships with his friends will last. He used to cry in the playground at school due to the ‘friendship’ stuff, and did impact on his mental health. It was heartbreaking as a parent to see him go through some of his experiences at an early age, but unfortunately some children do struggle at primary school. Support her and help her to build up her resilience and she will be fine. Try not to worry too much.

Im sorry your daughter is sad but unfortunately this is just the beginning - and it doesn’t have to be this dramatic every time. There’s no need for you to be this wrapped up in your child’s life and get affected personally when things change. I’m sure it was nice to have a few months of walking your daughter to school and chatting with another mum, but that’s not a firm friendship - it’s situational. And the older children get, the less I even meet people’s parents, much less build a relationship with them.

The other child’s mum made the decision this wasn’t the right thing for her child and that’s the end of that. Just be done with them, it’s not important. Focus on your own child - sign her up for rainbows or dance or an art club. Set up some play dates and leave them to it.

My daughter had several friendship break downs, was bullied by an ex friend, had her best friend for years decide to leave for private school and is now navigating high school chaos. Ups and downs every year but lots and lots of fun along the way. Children change so much all the time so they grow closer and further from people in different ways.

I agree that you are projecting your own issues on to your dd, therefore preventing her from bouncing back resiliently and moving on. The other girl is just one friend of many you won’t even remember in years to come.

You decline the sleepover and stop engaging with this mother op, beyond being civil. This non friendship is no good at all for your child. Instead you arrange lots of play dates with other dc in your DDs class and move swiftly on.

Make a list of who will be coming back in September and start with them.

It sounds like you have (undiagnosed?) anxiety, please watch out that you don’t pass this to your child.

Did something happen to you as a child OP, any old wounds which may have been opened up by the experience your daughter has had? It may be a good idea to look into therapy to work through why this is having such an intense impact on you.

We all want our children to he happy and have friendships. It's hard to watch them struggle, but friendships are fluid in childhood and beyond. And you owe it to your DD to teach her the skills to cope with that, and to have confidence to move on from friendships if they're not healthy for her

They were rude to invite your DD to a party and retract the invitation

I always told my children it's better to have a circle of friends, not be too invested in one "best friend"

Acknowledge the disappointment about new friends leaving, offer appropriate reassurance and focus on moving forward

Your approach, eg a year of sleepless nights over this, seems unhealthy, so perhaps you could seek help for yourself, as your child will no doubt have similar issues again (they all do) and yiu need to be strong yourself to be able to support her

Good luck

You sound obsessive. 😬

Take a massive step back. It never helps when mums get overly involved in their dc's friendships, it's controlling and needy. Of course she should not go to the sleepover, why would you accept crumbs thrown in your dd;s way? Focus on supporting your dd to develop social skills and make friends.

Totally OTT. At this stage class changes happen at least every 2 years and kids change their friendship groups all the bloody time.

step back and teach your daughter some resilience, Insuspect you need some yourself.

way too enmeshed in this.

Friendships change almost daily at this age, from your description of the Year 1 friendship and the reaction from both of you when the child moved classes it sounds as if it had become intense and smothering for the other child.
you did the right thing encouraging your dd to make new friends, maybe work with the teachers at school to build friendship skills and confidence and to mix with lots of different children.
I’m guessing that the party retraction was because mum invited her but then her dd objected (possibly because she was worried that it would cause tension with her new friends?
I’d decline the sleepover personally but maybe agree to a shorter visit or take the girls out somewhere yourself.
Teaching your dd that they can still be friends without the suffocation of “best friends” is also important here.

My Ds had a similar friendship when he was little, he had to end it quite abruptly as he felt he couldn’t have any other friends. They did become friends again in Year 5 and 6 though once they had both learnt that being “best friends” could still involve other friendship groups and time spent apart.

The other parent hasn’t put you through anything so please stop thinking like this. From her perspective, she would quite rightly expect your dd to be slightly disjointed but over it within 1-5 days I’d say. The fact that you’ve (I’m not sure if it’s just you or both you and dd? I find it hard to believe that a 6yo could independently keep up this level of feeling?) obsessed over it for 2 years is not remotely her fault.

focus on building yours and dds resilience OP.

I think you need to take a massive deep breath. This is all perfectly normal friendship stuff and you’re possibly projecting your own issues onto your dd here. And it doesn’t get easier. Wait til you get to Y5 and 6 and beyond. Do you work and have friends of your own to cultivate relationships for yourself and her with? Mums who are happy and confident in their friendships model that for their children.

The birthday invitation thing is a bit rude and weird. What reason did she give? Did she invite the wrong “Sarah”? I do that every year and get Joey and Harry and Louisa from the wrong class. I personally have never uninvited anyone, but without understanding why, it’s hard to say.

All that being said, is your dd actually a good friend? My youngest had a “best friend” in reception and Y1. He was an absolute nightmare. Rude, nasty, swearing, mean. My ds was quite shy and liked everyone so this boy just sort of claimed him as his friend. Lots of play dates at his, I tried to humour it, but I never invited to ours. I didn’t want my house burnt down. His mum thought they were absolutely best friends and he is an angel in her eyes.

He eventually moved away like 200 miles to live with his dad, but every school holiday he’s back and I get loads of messages off the mum. They do creepy things like turn up at the playground near our house (the mum lives like 20 minutes away so they come here specifically to look for us). Last year they came trick or treating here and were wandering around the village looking for ds. It’s like let the friendship die, your child is a little ruffian, you’ve moved 200 miles away like 2 years ago now, stop stalking me. 😩

That’s not to imply it’s the same situation, but maybe the friendship was one sided and not good for this other child. She’s letting you down as gently as she can. I think you need to take the hint and help your dd to cultivate new friendships and social networks.

Im also wondering if the other mum specifically requested the class move.

One of my children has a friend who can be a bit intense and I worry a bit that my child would not feel able to drift away and make new friends if that's what he wants to do as they naturally grow up and change. Being unkind and over time spending less time with someone are not the same thing.
I try hard not to get involved though.

You are really over involved in this. Friendships are very fluid at that age. I actually have pulled one of my children back from another child because he had a parent that was over ememshed in her child's friendships and didn't like that my child had other friends he chatted to of played with.

You need to step back. Yes it's a bit hurtful that your DD was upset but you need to focus on her building new friends not ones that are no longer really there. You haven't been let down her child naturally moved on and you wouldn't let go.

The mindset of this op is a little off for a friendship between two young children. It’s like the op feels she and her Dd were owed something by the other child and her mum and were angry and upset when their expectations were not met.

You are damaging your daughter with all this, OP. Not the other little girl, not her mother, you.

It’s extremely unhealthy to be this enmeshed. It’s extremely unhealthy to be distraught for TWO YEARS about a child who made other friends. The child and her mother did nothing wrong.

Children need to learn resilience and adaptability. They need to make friends in a variety of situations and settings. Our job is to support them in this, not cry and have sleepless nights because one child moved on.

Your child will inevitably be aware of your (extreme) distress and anxiety, which is not healthy for her. She needs to know it’s ok to miss friendships but it’s also okay to make new friends and not make one person their world.

I think you need to reflect on what happened in your past that left you feeling like this. Work through that with a counsellor if possible.

I thought this was going to be about teenagers, not children in infant school. I think you've handled this badly - too much focus on having a best friend, running round after this girl and letting all this upset carry on too long. It's a friend break up amongst 6 year girls, you need some perspective.

Friendships come and go, especially at this age. Take a step back and let DD handle it, yes organize a playdate if she asks for one but there's no need to such a level of parental involvement.

You're too over invested in this! Take a step back, she will be just fine because kids are resilient. Leave her to it, and just be cordial with the other mum. You're not friends, just mums who use the same school. I wouldn't send her to the sleep over, just ask her what she wants to do.

Being ditched by friends and making new friends is basically the human condition. Children have to be taught to navigate this for themselves. Your intense weeping and wailing approach here is all wrong sorry and you are teaching her quite an unhelpful view of how friendships work.

Thank you all for your really helpful prospective on this. I had a best friend at primary school and we are still the best of friends to this day. I loved school and enjoyed it so much because of her.
your comments have def helped me to look at this from a different angle, so thank you.

Op you are far too invested in this and your dd has probably picked up on all this. There was obviously reasons why the other parents moved their child into the other class, perhaps the teacher recommended it as the girls were becoming dependent on each other.

continue to encourage your dd to deck her range of friendships. You will need to toughen up as the teenage years can be brutal for friendships.