Furious four year old

[darkereves]

Really getting very worried about the level of aggression and anger in my four year old. It doesn’t feel normal and a lot of it is directed at me but some at his dad.

He bellows in absolute blind rage at me, screaming at the top of his voice. We’ve had a lot of toileting accidents lately but reminding him to go seems to be a massive trigger in provoking these angry outbursts which to be honest are frightening and quite chilling. He pinched me just now - grabbed my arm and twisted the skin and it honestly did hurt and shocked me.

I feel like the biggest failure as a parent obviously. It feels as if he hates me.

There is more but I’m not sure what to include.

What has he done today?

I’ve explained? He got furious because I asked him to come in or something inconsequential and then attacked me.

No op you have misunderstood

I meant what has he done today? Ie been out? Lots of physical activity?

How do you and / or your partner deal with conflict?

Sorry I read it the same way as the OP did .

I understand you asking what activities hes done today as tgat can affect how young DC behave, quite dramatically sometimes.

How is he in school @darkereves? Have any issues been raised there?

He has played in the garden for most of the morning then been to the supermarket (not very exciting) watched a bit of TV, played a bit more in the garden. Probably not very exciting but had quite a busy day yesterday.

Could he be constipated? It’s very commin in children this age. It’s often associated with accidents either wee from pressure on the bowel or poo from over flow. It can also cause behavioural issues.

I think you’re right to question it. Most DC will have realised that physical violence isn’t acceptable during the toddler stage.

How does he do on this simple progress checker?

And sorry … he starts school in September and nursery have raised no concerns, I’ve asked explicitly about behaviour and he’s fine there it seems.

It is embarrassing, he doesn’t care about me, doesn’t care he hurt me, carries on and carries on. Until you get angry back and then he backs down in what’s clearly fear. That’s horrible,

My ds4 has started doing the exact same thing. Just screams, really short, sharp and loud and I have tried everything and nothing works. He also does it at his little brother who runs away scared. He’s also started having potty accidents daily despite being potty trained for a long time. I’m hoping it’s just phase cause I’m at my wits end and nothing is working. Sorry no advice but solidarity.

I wonder, maybe. Not routinely but we went on holiday over Easter and his diet probably wasn’t great then and since he came back we’ve had this awful anger - maybe he is constipated. And we’ve had a lot of toilet accidents since. But some of it is just sheer bloody mindedness; he gets so angry if you try to get him to go to the toilet and I don’t know why. I don’t really understand him at all at the moment to be honest.

I’m hoping it’s a phase but it’s the worse one yet if so and I thought three-nager was bad

Sorry can I just ask when he turned 4?

December, so he’s starting school in September.

I’m trying to think about what’s happened this weekend …

So on Friday my voice went at work and I felt OK but could hardly talk. I’ve always read books to DS at bedtime but I just couldn’t manage on Friday so I asked croaked if he could listen to his Tonie box instead, he seemed mildly disappointed but not too bothered.

Saturday morning we went to a forest playgroup in the morning, home for lunch and then I had to collect some professional photographs we had done of the DC a couple of weeks ago so took DD (age 21 months) with me. DS ‘helped’ his dad in the garden and they went to the pub (!) (with a play area) I did dinner and managed to read stories to DS. I’d bought him some new ones.

Then today we were all in the garden then I took DD with me while I met a friend. He did say to me yesterday ‘you look after dd and I go with daddy’ so I wonder if he feels like I’m DDs parent and his dad is his, almost? But surely one weekend wouldn’t have him feel like that?

Couldn't his dad have read stories when you weren't up to it?

He wasn’t there - he was giving his own dad a lift to something.

Ok so I would do that progress checker that I linked to and let us know if it says that he needs some support.

You can also do the 4 year Social & Emotional Ages & Stages if you just want to check that hes on track emotionally

I’ve done it then you, it hasn’t flagged any concerns which is continuing with nursery views. It does seem that home and in particular me are the ‘triggers’ and I don’t understand why.

That’s good. Schools and Nurseries aren’t always the best at picking up when there are issues but if he doesn’t need any support with his communication or understanding then that’s a really good place to be.

If he does hurt you, what do you do now?

You might find the book Little Angels helpful as, if I remember correctly, it has a section on aggression

I am worried though; the fact there’s no issues at nursery do suggest to me it’s a ‘me’ issue and I just feel as if I’ve no control and no real love to be honest. DS acts like he hates me.

What do you do to punish him when he hurts you?

My kids are like this. They are older but I get all the emotional out bursts. The head at school said it’s because they feel safe with me that I’m not going anywhere…. It is grim being that parent so I take any positive spin on it I can.

for me, I have an absolute no violence rule to me. I do not play rough, I do not want hitting. I would walk away or remove them.

for the shouting/raging I’ve learnt to let it wash over me. I don’t shout back. I do a lot of soothing noises and then they are burnt out we can talk it through.

every now and again my husband will have to step in and remind them to be respectful.

it’s definitely not you ‘you’ problem.

On the contrary. It’s usually those they feel safest with that they let go around.

id start with a GP apt to check urine and constipation. He may have a fissure that’s making him scared to open his bowels.

Iys interesting that when you shout at him he stops. Have you tried just saying you’ll walk away and he can come and find you when he’s ready to talk and not hurt?

use visual timers as a countdown to transitions too. Some children struggle with the emotions aro7nd one activity stopping and moving on.

I honestly don’t know how to handle it. Any sort of time out or anything seems to hugely escalate the situation so grateful for suggestions.