Furious four year old

[darkereves]

Really getting very worried about the level of aggression and anger in my four year old. It doesn’t feel normal and a lot of it is directed at me but some at his dad.

He bellows in absolute blind rage at me, screaming at the top of his voice. We’ve had a lot of toileting accidents lately but reminding him to go seems to be a massive trigger in provoking these angry outbursts which to be honest are frightening and quite chilling. He pinched me just now - grabbed my arm and twisted the skin and it honestly did hurt and shocked me.

I feel like the biggest failure as a parent obviously. It feels as if he hates me.

There is more but I’m not sure what to include.

@itsgettingweird it’s a good idea. The problem is when I’m trying to make him do something (usually something that’s probably leading to him losing it, like have a drink or go to the toilet or eat something) the fact he’s hungry is making him mad but trying to make him eat is making him angry …

I feel so rubbish about it I’m very grateful for kindness. I was so angry and upset earlier and I hate feeling like that, I’m very mild mannered as a rule,

My four year old can be like this. It started a few months ago when he turned 4 and also coincided with a bit of a regression in toileting. It's only maybe once every few weeks though and only two or three times has his violence gone beyond throwing toys and performative 'hitting' (clearly restrained or not meaning to cause harm).

We've been working on discussing feelings and strategies for dealing with anger. I've also pinpointed some triggers, which are when he's feeling ashamed, when he really doesn't want to stop doing something or when he gets frustrated with something he can't manage to do. He seems to feel all emotions quite strongly and will tell us multiple times a day how much he loves us and how happy he is etc so I think it's an overall emotional regulation issue rather than just an anger issue. He's just a sensitive boy. Could this be the case with yours?

I'm going to explore speech therapy for him because his pronunciation isn't great and maybe that will help.

There's a big development in the limbic system around this age which can put kids into fight or flight mode without good cause. There's also a big upswing in testosterone production for boys around this age. Since my boy seems generally lovely, I'm just going to wait it out and keep working on it with him for now.

@ThatLilacTiger that is very helpful thank you. i really appreciate you typing that out.

Yeah sorry I read it back afterwards and realised it was all 'me me me' and just a string of random thoughts by the end. Hopefully you took it as intended though - you're not alone and you're not necessarily facing a 'problem' that needs solving; it may just be a phase that will pass. I also find it deeply upsetting when my boy kicks off and feel terrible guilt and worry. I think it's normal to feel this way though and it just shows how much you care.

Dd never did the terrible twos or threes. We had the " fucking fours". She was absolutely something else and we don't talk much about that year. Much of it was directed at me. She reduced me to tears often.
She grew out of it just before she turned five.

Think it’s time to find your inner ‘shouty/little bit scary mum’.

No doubt this comment will be met with disapproval.

My boy turned 4 in March and a switch flicked, he's just horrible some times. You never know what version he will wake up as. It's either cuddles and I love yous or getting him dressed for the day is like an induction at Guantanamo Bay.

The only person he will listen to is my mum so we try to draft her in for some serious talks. Behaviour tends to improve significantly.

He does have constipation issues too which we are trying to work on.

Getting him to nursery can be a battle but once he's there we tend to get glowing reports at handover.

I have a friend with a 7YO said the same when their LO turned 4. I think its just a combination of emotions and outbursts.

Have no other advice other than to say you are not alone. Your kid does not hate you.

Thanks so much for being so kind everyone. I was really upset before. I have just started my period as well so that’s probably at least partly why I got so upset and angry!

I feel better about it now. We had hugs and talked at bedtime and I’ve tried to stress that it’s fine to say eg I feel angry with you mummy but screaming and hitting are a big no no and I’ve stressed that it is upsetting for me as I love him. Hopefully that got through a bit.

What’s the consequence for shouting at your and hurting you? I would be getting DH involved as this behavior towards you needs to be stopped.
Yes you need to find the root cause but it’s also no way to treat his mum.
He doesn’t hate you - you are his mother.
It really used to help me to remember that I was the Mother, the adult, the one in charge. And that I was the loving parent but also the authority figure.
When he is calm you need an apology- verbal or a picture for Mummy and a hug. And then drop it and move on. But this is an important part of him understanding he hurt his mother, to apologize but then also that is done with and he is still loved.
Don’t be frightened of your child. He is 4 and you are the adult. He is totally reliant on you and DH for almost everything and he loves you. It’s ok to be angry sometimes and to shout/remove him. Get DH and deal with it.
Hope it gets better

So sorry that you were feeling so low. If you think that he needs some help with how he’s feeling then you could try a book such as the The Feelings Book and maybe a game like
Feelings and Dealings?

I doubt it will be. I’m of the belief that small children find ‘feelings chat’ far too complicated. He’s probably mixed up and locked into a pattern of lashing out with no real consequences now. You sound like a gentle parents and I’m afraid it usually is the gentle parents posting in despair about aggressive children.

I’m definitely not a gentle parent in the SOS sense. I don’t believe it works. But I also don’t think that shouting and issuing consequences an hour or so after the event works. I have admitted quite openly I’m struggling to find anything that does work and I resorted to anger in the instance I’ve described here which I don’t think is the road I want to go down but in the absence of anything else I’ll admit I’m lost.

Maybe you could try and look at the triggers, you’ve mentioned he gets mad when he’s hungry or needs the toilet etc he might need a pre warning to get his head around it. My son is a lot older now but we found that he didn’t really listen to his hunger cues and we’d get a very hangry version of him. So I had to try and feed him before he got too hungry, as he’d carry on playing through it and then be a nightmare because he’d be too hungry to deal with things nicely.
Same for toilet, pre warning so he could finish his play in his own time etc.
Hopefully with some of the other suggestions made you get to the bottom of it. And while I’ve never been a complete gentle parent I do think that outbursts like this are communication of some sort… just finding out what that is isn’t always easy!
I’d also say the fact that he’s mainly doing it to you is because you are his safe person rather than him disliking you.

I can see that now thank you I really was awfully upset last night.