How do I tell my mother in law to stop!?

[Solsticethefloatinghome]

My MIL lives next door. Since having my son she knocks every day. Sometimes multiple times. She was asked not to kiss him which she ignored 3 times and keeps asking me questions about when I’m going to stop breastfeeding so she can babysit.
I really struggle to say no to people and I don’t like being confrontational. Before my son was born me and my MIL were very close and I was very easy going but now there are things I don’t want and do want in regards to my son and she just doesn’t listen to me.

how do I start forming some boundaries? What do I say when she does or says something to my son that I don’t like without upsetting her but clear enough that she will definitely listen?
if I’m not stern enough she laughs it off.
(he’s only 11weeks old and I just want to nip it in the bud before he’s older and she demands to baby sit)

Can you give some examples of what she’s saying/doing that’s causing a problem?

The knocking multiple times would bug me for sure.

What does your DH think about it all?

You're asking for the impossible. You've already said that she laughs it off when you gently set boundaries. Therefore you need to be firmer and risk upsetting her.

If you're a bit of a people pleaser, you're going to have to work on that because you need to advocate for your child.

If you've never set boundaries before, she'll be used to getting her own way. People don't like it when you assert yourself if they're used to walking all over you.

Be assertive with her and if she gets upset, she gets upset.

Why on earth do you live NEXT door to your MIL?!

What was you expecting?!

You definitely need to start upsetting her. You're in something like a parent child relationship with her, and she thinks she has authority, which she doesn't. You need to get it really clear in your mind that you are the adult and the parent and you are your DC's advocate. If your MIL steps on you, she steps on your DC and that is not okay. It's going to be difficult, but if you go in hard now and set some boundaries, it will be easier later. Good luck.

living next door kind of just happened. It wasn’t really planned out. Just circumstance at the time.

dont get me wrong she hasn’t done anything unforgivable but it’s the little comments about our parenting, ‘put him down you’ll make him clingy’ and ‘put him down you’ll hurt your back’ ‘don’t breastfeed him too long it’s weird’

and the insisting on taking him from me when I say no. She just sticks her hands up at me to take him.

she not only knocks she will just open our side window and lean in! So I’ve started locking it but when the weathers hot why should I have to do that!?

I think you’re right. I’m going to have to just be stern and risking upsetting her. I always want what’s the best for my son.
I just feel like she has this right over him. She told me that if anything happens to me she would have him. And I just find it all a bit weird.

my husbands says ‘she’s not being malicious’ and he sometimes will stand up to her but if he’s not around she just walks all over me. I guess she knows I find it hard to stand up to her.

You need to grow some boundaries

I know I need boundaries, I want them. I just don’t know how. It’s so uncomfortable 😬

You need to not live next door to her!

Have you watched 'Everybody Loves Raymond'?

Don't be Debra!!

I think firstly clarify that you are breastfeeding for as long as possible and please stop mentioning formula.

That gets you off the hook for her taking baby too.

I would also invite her round once a day at a specified time. That way it's expected and you can say other times don't work as you're napping/retraining/writing job applications etc.

But I wouldnt be too harsh. DH and I haven't been out for ten years because we don't have any childcare. I'd love mil to be on the doorstep sometimes (not all the time admittedly!)

You’ve been looking to move to somewhere bigger haven’t you? Or closer to work? Hmm?

That’s the only way this will improve!

If you had/have a good relationship, I’d try to have a vulnerable and honest conversation with her so she’s less likely to be defensive. Instead of saying “stop being critical of me/stop offering unsolicited advice” you could say “I’m trying to find my feet with being a first time mum and figuring out how I want to raise my baby. Sometimes you say things to me in good faith but it makes me feel like you don’t think I’m doing it right. I really appreciate your support, but I feel like I need the space to make my own decisions”.

Her role in your lives has evolved from MIL to Grandma and she’s probably just trying to figure out where she fits into it all now. Absolutely establish boundaries, but if you can do it kindly it’s more likely to have a positive impact on your relationship. Her bothering you about breastfeeding for example, I’d respond with “I love that you are so excited to spend alone time with baby, baby is so lucky to have such an active grandma and when she’s older and ready for it, you can have lots of sleepovers!”

This is all on the basis that she is genuinely coming from a good place. If you’ve missed stuff out of the OP about her generally being overbearing/controlling etc then a firmer approach might be required. DH might have to step in if you aren’t comfortable to!

Find your annoyance and express it. When she says put him down, for example, you could say - "Mil, Don't tell me what to do please". When she wants to take him, say "No, I am keeping him with me". It will get easier each time, Try it. Yes, she may get upset the first time or so, as she is not used to it, but so what? You are upset by her often. You are the Mum, what you say goes. You do NOT need to be a doormat for her, and she will have to reset her expectations along the lines you put down. I'd also get your DH to tell her not to keep coming round too. You need your own space and she is too intrusive.

Sorry, but there's no way to deal with this unless you actually act like a grown woman and state what you are unhappy with. But you'll probably just go on being a people pleaser and complaining on Mumsnet 🤣

After reading so many posts like this over the years on Mumsnet I’ve come to the conclusion that some people have a backbone and some people don’t. Those people who would never in a million years put up with this shit simply do not understand those who do. And those who do put up with it rarely change. It just gets worse.

There is not a chance in hell I’d ever put up with this. I’d quite frankly move if it weren’t for the fact I’d never be living next door to my in-laws in the first place.

Some people live with this crap and say nothing, and others don’t stand for it. Only you can decide which kind of person you’re going to be OP.

You need a busier week that makes you not at home!!
Invite her round when is convenient for you. Other times shout from an upstairs window you are having a nap/bath /a headache.. Don't let her in. Dh can host her when he gets home.

Aww OP I'm sorry this must be a nightmare. Could your husband not have a word and say you would rather meet up twice a week at specific times?

Other than that get out and about, join some baby classes, build a gate, lock your doors or have the awkward conversation.

I dont understand why your husband isn't helping you with this, like telling his mother to back off about the breastfeeding and baby holding

Sit her down and have the conversation with her. Everyone here would hate to be the subject of an online forum - her behaviour is not ok and in some ways neither is this. You’ve previously been close, presumably she’s a nice enough person - just raise it with her. Don’t use any of the slightly aggressive approaches above. You and your husband sit down with her and tell her what you don’t like, get it all out in one go, no snippy comments or passive aggressiveness just straight up: this is bothering us. You’re more likely to remain a happy family doing it this way, and while it might be uncomfortable it’s definitely worth ripping the plaster off. Good luck :)

You have to be low key, non confrontational repetitive. It’s not a fight or a win/lose, you aren’t in a contest.

It’s just parenting. Doing your stuff. Calmly keep saying, no he’s fine. He’s feeding. I have him. We’re fine. That’s ok. He’s fine where he is.
You aren’t upsetting her or contradicting her. You’re just saying how it is.

Also just to say, there’s a good chance she experienced this herself when she was a new mother. Having an open conversation with her about it might take her back to postpartum x

@Solsticethefloatinghome sorry but that is rubbish!! it does not "just happen" when you move into the house next door to your mil!!! you must have been off your head to think this would be fine! what is happening now are the repercussions of such a stupid move! tell your partner that you need to move house asap!! you wont survive any other way! tell her she only comes when her son is in the house!

How old is your baby? I don’t mean to sound like I’m being rude because that’s not my intention but do you think maybe your post partum hormones are making her seem worse? I love my mil and would happily live next door but when my daughter was a newborn she did start to grate on me for a time, one time in particular my baby was screaming while being held by mil and I awkwardly said that I’d take her, and she said oh no don’t be silly, and carried on trying to comfort her to no avail, I was getting more and more annoyed as the crying went on, after about 5 minutes of failing to settle her she handed her to me and she stopped crying instantly, I was fuming about that at the time, but now she’s 2 and a half, I can appreciate she was just trying to give me a break, I was in a lot of pain recovering from a c section she meant no harm

Move. Because she's not going to pay attention to you.

Urgh maybe you are right to a certain extent. My son is 11 weeks old. I think some of my reactions are hormonal of course but I just wanted to approach it in a calm way because I know before long I will end up shouting at her having finally had enough and I don’t want that.

with regards to living next door. We were living here first and financially can not afford to move. Believe it or not I did not CHOOSE to live next to my MIL

What is the obsession with not kissing babies? What else is there to do with a baby other than cuddle and kiss them? Obviously if you have a virus, cold sore or other transmissible infection then no kissing but otherwise......

you can spread the herpes simplex virus (HSV-1), which causes cold sores, through kissing, even if you don't have visible sores. My MIL quite often gets cold sores which is why I asked her not to kiss him