How do I tell my mother in law to stop!?

[Solsticethefloatinghome]

My MIL lives next door. Since having my son she knocks every day. Sometimes multiple times. She was asked not to kiss him which she ignored 3 times and keeps asking me questions about when I’m going to stop breastfeeding so she can babysit.
I really struggle to say no to people and I don’t like being confrontational. Before my son was born me and my MIL were very close and I was very easy going but now there are things I don’t want and do want in regards to my son and she just doesn’t listen to me.

how do I start forming some boundaries? What do I say when she does or says something to my son that I don’t like without upsetting her but clear enough that she will definitely listen?
if I’m not stern enough she laughs it off.
(he’s only 11weeks old and I just want to nip it in the bud before he’s older and she demands to baby sit)

I found it really hard to read that she has been asked not to kiss your baby. Feels really harsh. Takes a village to raise a child and the grandparents are the people in the world who love your child the most, after you as the parents. Cut her some slack.

You have 2 separate issues here - the too frequent visits and the parenting advice.

Your DH needs to address the too frequent visits - can he speak to her and say something along the lines of “Soltice needs some time alone with the baby whilst they’re bonding, can you text/check before visiting” (or whatever boundary you want to set around visits)?

The comments might be less annoying if you see her less. Find a reply you’re comfortable with like “thanks but I’m following my health visitors advice about breastfeeding” or “thanks that’s interesting but my baby is happy with ….” and repeat broken record style.

This!!! Never ever live next door to your parents or in laws! 🤣🤣🤣

Your reactions aren’t hormonal! She is WAY over the line. How dare she try to get you to put down/not breastfeed your child?! Psychotic!

Tbh she was being thoughtless and idiotic so you were right to be annoyed.

Why do women feel the need to minimise their own feelings in the name of people pleasing?

I know it’s not easy with a small baby but if you went out all day for a few days, or we’re just on your way out when she called, she might get out of the habit. You’ll need to send her firm messages to support this. But what about your partner - can he help?

Why are posters suggesting the solution is to be out of the house all day? It’s OP’s house. If you don’t want uninvited guests, whoever they are, just grow a backbone and don’t allow uninvited guests.

Something I find that works for people who have opinions (when let's face it, the only relevant opinions are me and my husband) is "this is working for us right now".
Learned at La Leche League and find it helpful, it doesn't commit to anything and can be used to dismiss comments and support your actions.

Also fine that just nodding, smiling and agreeing in the moment but totally ignoring works too.

I have a very forthright MIL who tells me how to parent from the mid twentieth century book of parenting every time I see her, oh and my sons autism is in my head, there’s nothing wrong with him, the problem is me etc etc. I listen to her passive aggressive comments and nod then completely and utterly ignore them. I too don’t like confrontation but I’m not going to act on advice (or orders) that I don’t agree with.

however I do see that she does love my child and she does include my child from a previous relationship and treats her exactly the same, which I am so appreciative of. My MIL is a challenge, but she does have her good moments.

Your MIL was close to you before, I bet things will calm down when your child is not the shiny new grandchild. If my MiL crossed a boundary I couldn’t accept then I would tell my husband to deal with the situation. It’s his mother it’s his problem to fix.

You must like her as pp said.
If i were you I'd have a chat, and offer her a set time with baby to push the pram around the block. You could say you'd love a shower in peace so will she help you.
Sounds like really wants to be needed and her heart is in the right place. You could build your confidence by going together at first so she 'know how the pram works'.
In a few months or teething hours you might be super grateful 💗

Do what my do said to his Mum when we had this and she was giving unsolicited advice. He said "That's great Mum and you can do that when you have your next child. In the meantime, we're going to raise OUR child, OUR way".

She never did it again!

Can we delve a little deeper into the root of the problem here? When and why did she feel it would be perfectly acceptable to move into a house next door to yours and why did you not kick and scream or burn the house down before she bought it?

Where is your husband in this? He needs to be setting some boundaries with his mother.

You don’t need to make a big deal of it. Just gentle correction every time.
You’llmake him clingy; no I won’t, how ridiculous. Then walk off.
Dont BF too long; I’ll do it as long as I see fit; they’re my breasts. Then walk off.

reply stating your position; then walk off. You’re training her like you would a toddler or a dog. Correct the behaviour then ignore.

She doesn’t have right over him; she’s pushing as far as you’re allowing her to go. So you need to sort it. Don’t answer the door. Call her out for the window thing. Don’t let her get away with anything.

she’ll get the message.

OP you need to see your own part in things. Living next door to MIL didn’t just happen, you must have agreed and if it’s becoming unbearable you may need to initiate a move.
First talk to DH about how you’re feeling and don’t be fobbed off with Mum doesn’t mean any harm. Maybe not, but harm is being done and the two of you need a plan to change things.

@Solsticethefloatinghome shocked to think that a mil would be so selfish to buy a house next to her son and his partner!! that is awful. did neither of you think to say anything at the time this was taking place??