I love my child but I don’t like them

[almostalwayslaura]

My daughter has just turned 11 years old and I love her but I definitely don’t like her. It was a difficult pregnancy, she was a difficult baby, screamed every second of every day due to late diagnosed silent reflux. Then she had allergies during weaning, then she was a difficult toddler, then she had a 6 week hospital stay which caused her to become a difficult child behaviour wise- attacking me, screaming at me, contant tantrums. This has contributed and are getting worse as she grows up and gets bigger and stronger.

She is an angel at school, clever and kind to peers and teachers. They would never believe what goes on at home. I am at my wits end with her. I know it’s bad but I hate school holidays because it’s always the same dread of ‘god what will we do today so I’m Not stuck in the house with her’

I have no idea how to get over this, I feel like a terrible mother and person but I can’t handle being a parent at all. I feel like CAMHS would just blame parenting and I am aware that that is the majority of the problem but how do I fix it? The good days are few and far between at the moment ☹️

From a sad, helpless, one and done mum. X

Cant understand wh. You haven’t visited a Child psychologist so far.

I'm not saying she's not ND because I'm not qualified to say either way (I don't think anyone on here is tbh) so definitely investigate that avenue - yes it will take ages and lots of advocating but in the long run, if she does have a diagnosable condition, the recognition and understanding will really help.

But I also think you need to look into some counselling, for both of you potentially, to work through some issues. From your posts you have categorised your daughter as "difficult" from literally before she was born and are still refering to her newborn days like she had some control over it... If you've always held onto that feeling of having"the difficult child", she will on some level know that's how you see her and it could be a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing?

I agree with the parenting courses, there are loads online or face to face, but you do need to reach out and "shop around" a bit. I found the Triple P course helpful and they do them for different ages/stages.

Keep a diary and talk to the school and gp about your concerns. Good luck @almostalwayslaura .

I think I truly try to convince myself there is no problem because the school doesn’t see one. I work in a school and hear professionals discuss the fact it’s 9/10 times parenting that is the issue and far too many children being labelled as ND when they are not.

I also do have a problem with asking for help - I have never had a night away from her and have very little help/support so asking for help from a complete stranger is mind boggling to me. Thank you for your response though - reading through all the comments has given me food for thought.

I'd be amazed if lots of children are being assessed as "ND when they're not". The bar to assessment is very high. The assessing HCP have professional standards they have to work to. School staff are not HCP.

I am an experienced teacher and my god I have heard a lot of uninformed opinions of that kind over the years!

Are you negative with her? Positive parenting might work wonders. Your post almost blames her for her health issues and sounds so negative.

She might just be… being 11. Grumpy tween etc. most of the stuff you say seems pretty normal.

do you ask her what she wants to do or do you on days out expecting her to like it?

is she keen for more autonomy?

You’ve listed a whole load of things that weren’t her fault but that made your life difficult. It wasn’t her fault she had reflux, or allergies or a hospital stay, but the way you talk about her indicates you blame her for these difficult times. I would imagine she’s acting up because she thinks you don’t like her, and it’s heartbreaking because she’s right. This isn’t about addressing behaviour, it’s about rebuilding a relationship with your daughter. Find opportunities for praise, take on a hobby or task that you both enjoy that you can do together. Set aside time for her and make sure she knows you love her. Or it will be a hundred times worse when she’s a teenager.