I love my child but I don’t like them

[almostalwayslaura]

My daughter has just turned 11 years old and I love her but I definitely don’t like her. It was a difficult pregnancy, she was a difficult baby, screamed every second of every day due to late diagnosed silent reflux. Then she had allergies during weaning, then she was a difficult toddler, then she had a 6 week hospital stay which caused her to become a difficult child behaviour wise- attacking me, screaming at me, contant tantrums. This has contributed and are getting worse as she grows up and gets bigger and stronger.

She is an angel at school, clever and kind to peers and teachers. They would never believe what goes on at home. I am at my wits end with her. I know it’s bad but I hate school holidays because it’s always the same dread of ‘god what will we do today so I’m Not stuck in the house with her’

I have no idea how to get over this, I feel like a terrible mother and person but I can’t handle being a parent at all. I feel like CAMHS would just blame parenting and I am aware that that is the majority of the problem but how do I fix it? The good days are few and far between at the moment ☹️

From a sad, helpless, one and done mum. X

My daughter got diagnosed with autism at 13 after a couple of very difficult years where she too was angelic at school as she was so good as masking, and then very difficult at home. She's not on any medication but the diagnosis has helped us hugely. Not least in understanding that sometimes she really doesn't want to go out, or do too much, and sitting on the sofa under a blanket for a day is absolutely all she needs. School would never ever have said she was neurodiverse as she just didn't act that way there. Waiting lists are long so the sooner you talk to a GP the sooner she can get onto one. Good luck x

I don't think this child is autistic. She probably just wants to spend more time at home. I spent six weeks in hospital when I was 5 and I still remember it now aged 60. My parents didn't stay with me as was the norm then so not quite like for the OP who probably did spend more time with her child. Family therapy seems the best bet here. I also wonder if the child can sense the built up frustration that is all too clear from the OP. I think she already knows the OP doesn't like her and gets her validation from people at school who are willing to accept her for who she is. I think the OP needs the therapy not the child.

I know that you mention a wider picture but honestly … I was not very nice at eleven. It’s only looking back I cringe. So many hormones but I was horrible to my poor mum.

So yes it could be neurodivergence. It is always worth exploring as an option. But it could also be a combination of tricky age and start. Don’t feel bad. I find one of my children much harder work than the other. The love is there but I feel like it gets easily submerged under irritation whereas with the other I just adore her and so don’t get annoyed.

I know it’s very overdone and I know you’ll have done it but it’s that shared interest. I find things where we have to do something together good. Does she like animals? I spent a pony day with my oldest and we didn’t fall out at all as we were focused on the horse rather than one another if that makes sense.

I also have an autistic daughter who is an angel at school and often really horrid at home (not always though and DH and I have got better at managing her sleep, diet, exercise and heading off triggers over the years). The thing is though that even if a child is a fantastic masker, an expert will still be able to join the dots.

If you want to explore getting an assessment, probably better get saving as to do anything timely you'll likely need to pay.

Start keeping a diary of what happens, what happened before, what you did etc. You will likely be able to spot some patterns and triggers.

A good book is 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Jeffrey Bernstein).

NVR training might help you. Look up Yvonne Newbold.

Assessment/diagnosis could be helpful to you because you will have more idea what to do (and can stop beating yourself up) and helpful to her as no doubt she is also puzzled sometimes as to why she reacts the way she does.

Schools aren't experts on neurodiversity. They're educators. I'm a teacher and learning more about my daughter has been really helpful to my teaching but the other way round, not so much!

Her school denied there was anything unusual (although they did at least believe us about the home behaviour) but once she was diagnosed, they could see it too (as could other adults who didn't know she had SEN).

There's no medication "for autism" although a lot of autistic kids are anxious and there's medication for that (one of the most useful things I learnt from the 10 Days book is that anxiety often presents itself as defiance).

There is medication for ADHD (rather effective in some cases) although we don't use it. ADHD and ASD are often co-occurring.

DD does take melatonin as she had persistent sleep difficulties for a long time.

This sounds a bit like my son (although we do have many great times together, but he is VERY quick to temper and we feel like we’re walking on eggshells as sometimes he’ll laugh about a particular situation, but the following week, the same situation could cause a total meltdown). He is such a good boy at school.

He was an utterly miserable baby who cried relentlessly. It was so upsetting feeling like I couldn’t make him happy.

He has been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. We went private. Like you, OP, no plans to medicate, but it has helped me understand him better as I’ve read up on it & educated myself on how best to deal with his, at times, appalling behaviour. I don’t always get it right and I’m completely exhausted from it all, but it helped both he and I when he received a formal diagnosis.

One of the best resources I’ve found is the Calm Parenting podcast (the guy also has an Instagram account).

Do you set boundaries for her, and give her consequences for bad behaviour, which includes being horrible to you.

If you think she has ASD, you can use parenting techniques which are recommended for autistic kids.

You're blaming yourself for how you parented her, and you're being very unfair to yourself - she's doing great in school, and thats thanks to your parenting too.

She's 11, you have time to turn this around.

Thank you for all your responses - I have ordered the 10 days book and will listen to the calm parenting podcast! I am at this point willing to try anything. I am unsure if she is autistic or just really difficult child, I don’t know how I feel about labelling but I have put in a CAMHS referral for advice - I feel embarrassed asking for help but from everyone’s comments it has made me feel like I need to do this.

I try with boundaries and consequences but she does walk all over me and ‘rule the roost’ - it is hard to come back from this so any advice on how to gain back the power would be greatly received.

Ah OK, I did wonder from what you previously said if you might benefit from PDA techniques. Try these. It takes a lot of rethinking but if you have a PDA type child, conventional boundaries, consequences and generally getting authoritarian will definitely backfire!

It doesn't matter what the "label" is (I don't like that expression) if the techniques work.

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/helpful-approaches-infographic/

Lots of parenting courses can be done online, via zoom/teams. Search Incredible Years Parenting courses, they are often offered free to parents who are struggling.
Your local authority website might also have some links to resources you could access.

https://nvrpc.org.uk/

The most useful advice we got (with what sounds like a similar child) was from an NVR practitioner. It was all online.

I do recommend that you shop around carefully though as if you have a child with PDA type behaviours (which are anxiety based and often have a strong sensory element) then conventional approaches are unlikely to help you.

Op I can’t see if you’ve answered this, so sorry if you have.
were you able to stay with her for six weeks in hospital?
If you feel that this is a major factor then it’s worth exploring whether there might be some attachment issues.
it’s always good to bear Neurodivergance in mind and it may become more obvious if she is through her teens.
however, in this case I think counselling and parenting advice for you would be my first step.
have you asked school what parenting groups/courses they can refer you to?

As said above, there is no medication for autism. And there is only really a point in going for a diagnosis if you need the school to do something different, which doesn't sound like you do. However, there are a ton of free resources online where you can learn about neurodivergence and what your child might be struggling with, how you can help, etc. Books also available from the library. There is no 'one' version of ASD, AuDHD, ADHD, ADD, etc. so a wide reading approach is probably good. There are also some good books for kids, that might be worth getting from the library and talking to her about them.

The routine at school can be good for autistic kids as they know what the rules are, how to follow them, etc. at home, there is less of that and that can be hard. Going on holiday can be all sorts of difficult too as so many new things and no known rules.

I think it's worth going for diagnosis when they're younger as the older they get, the more likely they are to strongly assert there's nothing up/the rest of the world is wrong (and who's to say they're wrong, but the year 6 to year 7 transition is awfully hard on ND girls and EBSA is a bit of a nightmare so...)

OP the school wouldn’t listen to me either. You don’t need their support for a diagnosis. Ask your GP to be referred under right to choose the lists are much shorter. I went private for even greater speed, would this be an option?

Diagnosis for ASD isn’t about medication, there is no medication. It’s about understanding your child and helping you make adjustments and also being kind to yourself

My DD has WAY more sceeen time than I’d allow for a neurotypical child but it helps us both avoid burnout.

Just reading all the well meaning threads about parenting classes. Unless you choose one for ND girls (not boys, female ASD is markedly different) then they’ll likely be unhelpful.

pursue diagnosis OP and be kind to yourself.

So was mine.

Id disregard anything school say. Good behaviour at school is classic female ND presentation.

Does she show anxiety?

The fact your comment is you spent a fortune spoiling her when all she probably wants is a mum with boundaries,chat etc

Taking my dd out who is Audhd was sometimes the only way to cope. She needed lots of attention.

Nowt to do with parenting Everything to do with adhd.

Exactly this - if we are having a day in the house every minute has to be occupied with attention/things to do! I am again, not sure about ADHD but I guess these things present different in all children. I think I will need to speak to a child psychologist for advice.

I can only go by what you wrote but you say she's saying she doesn't want to go to all these places but you are taking her anyway and then you're accusing her of being ungrateful? No wonder she's acting up if that's true as you're not listening to her and making it her problem.
Maybe just change your expectations and remember that she's not you so just because you'd like something doesn't mean she will.
Also I would 100% second neurodiverse conditions, it's a classic case of masking at school, no problems there, and everything comes out at home.

We didn’t know she had it then.

I used to read on here about people who set their kids up with playing and they’d play. She’d follow me after 30 seconds. No matter what l did. Needed constant attention all the time. Ds was never like this.

Shes 18 now and still needs lots of attention and gets bored easily.

' I spend a fortune taking her out'.

Stop taking her out, and stop telling her it costs a fortune.

That's not what she needs.

Can you find some holiday clubs for her to attend as she behaves at school?