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Original poster

I love my child but I don’t like them

57 replies

almostalwayslaura · 18/04/2025 13:11

My daughter has just turned 11 years old and I love her but I definitely don’t like her. It was a difficult pregnancy, she was a difficult baby, screamed every second of every day due to late diagnosed silent reflux. Then she had allergies during weaning, then she was a difficult toddler, then she had a 6 week hospital stay which caused her to become a difficult child behaviour wise- attacking me, screaming at me, contant tantrums. This has contributed and are getting worse as she grows up and gets bigger and stronger.

She is an angel at school, clever and kind to peers and teachers. They would never believe what goes on at home. I am at my wits end with her. I know it’s bad but I hate school holidays because it’s always the same dread of ‘god what will we do today so I’m Not stuck in the house with her’

I have no idea how to get over this, I feel like a terrible mother and person but I can’t handle being a parent at all. I feel like CAMHS would just blame parenting and I am aware that that is the majority of the problem but how do I fix it? The good days are few and far between at the moment ☹️

From a sad, helpless, one and done mum. X

OP posts:
Snoozysaurus · 18/04/2025 13:29

What behaviours in particular are you struggling with?

are there any activities you do enjoy doing together? Maybe book in some special mum and daughter days?

Loubylie · 18/04/2025 13:32

Sounds like you need some help with her behavioural problems. Have you consulted anyone yet?

Loubylie · 18/04/2025 13:34

I wouldn't assume that any of it was caused by your parenting. Sounds like she might have some diagnosable condition.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds 1st trimester Families General health
NoNewsisGood · 18/04/2025 13:37

Look into neurodivergence. Not all NDs have difficult births, allergies and tantrums, but there is a huge cross over. It sounds like being at school might be fine, but then when she's home she needs to sort of let go of the tension she has at school and unfortunately you are the one that gets it.

Original poster
almostalwayslaura · 18/04/2025 13:39

I think the fact the school have 0 concerns and actually think she’s amazing make me think it’s my parenting because I sure don’t see that side of her at home.

i spend a fortune taking her out, on holiday, doing things etc. and she’s very ungrateful and says things like ‘I didn’t ask to come here’ ‘I want to go home’ etc. it’s draining.

OP posts:
1SillySossij · 18/04/2025 13:41

She knows she won't get away with that sort of behaviour at school

MereNoelle · 18/04/2025 13:41

Parenting classes can be helpful.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 18/04/2025 13:43

NoNewsisGood · 18/04/2025 13:37

Look into neurodivergence. Not all NDs have difficult births, allergies and tantrums, but there is a huge cross over. It sounds like being at school might be fine, but then when she's home she needs to sort of let go of the tension she has at school and unfortunately you are the one that gets it.

I agree with this.

Please see your GP for advice and possible referrals. I'm trying to pit this as kindly as possible, but you aren't doing yourself or her any favours by not seeking help.

(My daughter was diagnosed with Autism at 11 years old and I'm Autistic myself. I'm also a single parent and have been since she was a - very high needs - baby. It's not easy. It's exhausting. But trying to cope and going round in circles with no plan or answer is way worse than reaching out for help. Going through appointments and assessments can be exhausting but it is an absolute weight lifted if and when it gets you answers and understanding / support)

Good luck and sending gentle hugs

Smellslikeburnttoat · 18/04/2025 13:44

Your daughter could very easily be neurodivergent and masking in school, then this causes meltdowns at home as she’s exhausted and can finally let lose. My ASD 10 year old masks heavily in school, model pupil etc

junebugalice · 18/04/2025 13:48

I’m sorry your daughter , and you, are going through a difficult time. I’m sure you don’t say this to your daughter but please never let her know/find out that you have these feelings towards her as they have the potential to cause bigger problems down the line. The exact words of “I love you but don’t like you”, had a big impact on me growing up, as did the label of “difficult”. Does your daughter have anxiety? I understand, from experience, the kids will work very hard during the day in school to control their feelings/anxieties and then, once home, all the pent up frustration is released, usually at a parent. I have put my own child in play therapy for similar issues and it really helped him, I have also had to look at myself and how I was parenting him and make some changes. Best of luck to you.

ohdearagain2 · 18/04/2025 13:48

Smellslikeburnttoat · 18/04/2025 13:44

Your daughter could very easily be neurodivergent and masking in school, then this causes meltdowns at home as she’s exhausted and can finally let lose. My ASD 10 year old masks heavily in school, model pupil etc

this
ask her what she wants to do she's prob over stimulated

Kitchensnails · 18/04/2025 13:49

It was a difficult pregnancy, she was a difficult baby, screamed every second of every day due to late diagnosed silent reflux. Then she had allergies during weaning, then she was a difficult toddler, then she had a 6 week hospital stay which caused her to become a difficult child behaviour wise- attacking me, screaming at me, contant tantrums. This has contributed and are getting worse as she grows up and gets bigger and stronger.

How old was she when she was hospitalised for 6 weeks? Do you believe it to be linked to her behaviours today?

buckeejit · 18/04/2025 13:52

Are you a single parent? I think you should seek some support for this, it sounds very difficult for you. Agree your daughter may benefit from some sort of play therapy to see if there’s anything undiagnosed going on. Good luck

Original poster
almostalwayslaura · 18/04/2025 13:53

NoNewsisGood · 18/04/2025 13:37

Look into neurodivergence. Not all NDs have difficult births, allergies and tantrums, but there is a huge cross over. It sounds like being at school might be fine, but then when she's home she needs to sort of let go of the tension she has at school and unfortunately you are the one that gets it.

I understand but the waiting lists are long, the school also doesn’t agree as I have spoke to them briefly about issues and I feel they have a say in diagnosis.

even if she was diagnosed, I wouldn’t medicate my child so what difference would this make?

anyway I think if she can be normal in society it has to be down to parenting; I don’t know where to start to fix it.

OP posts:
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 13:54

There may even be attachment issues…from the difficult pregnancy, and everything else you describe can develop an attachment disorder, which would explain the different presentation in school….definitely not your fault., but children who develop this do no how to push buttons, I would suggest maybe a chat with a child psychologist, at least then if anything else going on, for eg something neurodivergent it could be identified also . Please be kind to yourself it sounds very hard x

Original poster
almostalwayslaura · 18/04/2025 13:55

Kitchensnails · 18/04/2025 13:49

It was a difficult pregnancy, she was a difficult baby, screamed every second of every day due to late diagnosed silent reflux. Then she had allergies during weaning, then she was a difficult toddler, then she had a 6 week hospital stay which caused her to become a difficult child behaviour wise- attacking me, screaming at me, contant tantrums. This has contributed and are getting worse as she grows up and gets bigger and stronger.

How old was she when she was hospitalised for 6 weeks? Do you believe it to be linked to her behaviours today?

She was 5 when she was in hospital for 6 weeks. She was stuck to a hospital bed and yes, I do believe this has caused the majority of our issues although she was difficult before this, this event has exasperated it.

OP posts:
Original poster
almostalwayslaura · 18/04/2025 13:56

MereNoelle · 18/04/2025 13:41

Parenting classes can be helpful.

I would love this however not offered in the small town I live in.

OP posts:
Loubylie · 18/04/2025 13:56

almostalwayslaura · 18/04/2025 13:55

She was 5 when she was in hospital for 6 weeks. She was stuck to a hospital bed and yes, I do believe this has caused the majority of our issues although she was difficult before this, this event has exasperated it.

Show quote history

Then therapy could help. You need to reach out for help.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/04/2025 14:00

If you’re always taking her out because you don’t want to be home with her, and she’s telling you she just wants to be at home I’m not sure she’s ‘ungreatful’, she wants to spend time at home. She can most likely tell you don’t like her. At 11 you are still holding the pregnancy and baby years against her, are you certain she’s not just responding to your parenting? Can you access counselling to deal with your resentment?

notnorman · 18/04/2025 14:23

Please don’t say this to your daughter. It was said to me and I’m still not in a good place because of it.

Westnortheast · 18/04/2025 14:31

Does she always prefer to be at home? It may be that going out to certain places that dysregulate her. Maybe don’t take her out as often or only to familiar paces for a short time. Leave before she gets a chance to get fed-up and complain. She is telling you she doesn’t want to go to places and then losing control when she is out. It does sound like ND and masking tbh. You may not want meds, counselling SEN plan etc now but things can really ramp up in puberty all compounded by the move to secondary school. I would seriously think about getting her on the waiting list because at some point you may feel desperate for urgent help her and those waiting lists are loooooong.
Parenting courses by CAMHS etc are free and online.

TalkToTheHand123 · 18/04/2025 15:55

@almostalwayslaura What does she want to do during the holidays? Have you asked her? I wouldn't take her places she doesn't want to go, unless you really need to. Does she not have friends she wants to socialise with?

rrrrrreatt · 18/04/2025 16:15

You spend a fortune taking her out and away because YOU don’t want to be stuck in with her. It’s primarily for your benefit so it doesn’t seem very fair to then demand she’s grateful or begrudge the cost.

She will have some inkling you feel this way too, even if you haven’t said it out loud. I had a friend at college who had a similar dynamic to yours with her mum - she knew how her mum felt even though it was never said to her.

Speak to your GP about what service could support you both as a family to resolve this. If it’s CAMHS, the wait might be long but continuing to do more of the same won’t get you different results.

MarioLink · 18/04/2025 21:33

My autistic daughter is an angel at school and very difficult at home.

Original poster
almostalwayslaura · 18/04/2025 21:37

MarioLink · 18/04/2025 21:33

My autistic daughter is an angel at school and very difficult at home.

How did you get anyone to listen then? I work in a school and know what it’s like when parents try to claim their child is autistic when nothing is noticeable at school. I’m aware of masking etc. but I just feel like there has to be something for other people to see, how can you get a diagnosis if only you see it?

OP posts: