Am I wrong to disagree to looking after my ex's pet?

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My ex wants to get a dog for our daughter (14yo). He wants it to be her responsibility so has asked if the dog can stay at my house occasionally (for the odd night here and there). I have never been interested in dogs and have always been quite wary of them so of course I don't feel comfortable with having one. Besides, I don't like the idea of cleaning up after a dog which is why I have never considered having one. Initially when he mentioned it to me, he said he hadn't told our daughter that he was asking if it would be okay. He has since told her and now because I don't want it in my house, she blames me for not being allowed to have a dog at his house. She is behaving like a spoilt brat. The dog he wants to get is a cockapoo or a cavapoo which doesn't destroy your house. It would be left unattended for 6-7 hours per day as I work. I feel he is using manipulative tactics and is trying to make me feel guilty because it will be good for her physical and mental wellbeing and she really wants it but if I don't support him, she can't have it. I could understand if it was a family pet prior to separation but it's not. Should I feel guilty for saying no?

I totally agree. I know nothing about dogs but I do know they don't sit illdy all day especially when left for hour on end. It's classic parental alienation.

I certainly wouldn’t get a dog just to leave it all day at home on its own.

Is your daughter having counselling or pastoral care from school? My children have NHS counselling via Banardo’s and pastoral care from school to support their neurodiversity. It is very effective. I really think your daughter would benefit from this.

just my personal opinion, based on how my childhood left me feelin: I believe it’s common in dysfunctional families for everyone to circle around the most dysfunctional person. I don’t suppose that necessarily changes if the parents separate. It takes a good trust bond to express anger towards a parent - it doesn’t mean the child is anctually angry with them, just that they are angry and need someone to share the burden . I certainly never was angry forwards my father - my response till he died was total fawning, we all did. It really messed me up. I was a total high functioning fuck up. I tried everything to try and outpace it but in the end I broke down in my 50s. Professional support when I was a teenager didn’t exist in the way it does now - I do wonder if it would have given me better tools to cope.

Shes of an age where she needs to have it explained to her (as she clearly can’t see) that she lives in a patriarchal society.

Because of that, men will often expect women to do things they don’t want to do/don’t like doing/are against doing.

It’s important when she sees examples of this, and a woman saying “no”, that the woman’s “no” is heard, respected and honoured.

No means no, even when uttered by a woman to a man; her dad is trying to get her to not believe this, but it is true.

Your ex has asked something of you (your time, energy, caring duties, cleaning duties) for free that you are not willing to give. You have said no. He should respect that, and she as a fellow woman should support you and be telling her dad (& all other men) “no means no”.

This is a really important lesson for her to learn in her teens; not to capitulate to men who ask, guilt trip and moan when a woman says no.

Good men will always respect a woman’s “no”.

This.

Tell him to get a cat…

I'm so sorry. You know getting involved in this nonsense will ruin you but you're terrified of losing your daughter. It's such a horrible situation to be in and I wish there was a win win solution but you know if you give in you'll end up with the bloody dog when your ex gets bored of it. Your daughter will come back to you. Be stable in your approach and love for her and she'll remember you were the one who created safety and warmth, not false promises. 14 is a difficult age for them, navigating hormones, alliances and school work. On top of that she has a dad whispering in her ear giving her an easy enemy in you. It's absolutely disgusting of him and no good for her but all you can do is hold true to your values and believe that she is made of good stuff that'll come to the fore again in time

You simply cannot leave a dog alone for 7 hours on its own. Its not acceptable. The dog would need doggy daycare which is very expensive. He doesn't sound very responsible at all. Why doesn't he get a cat? They don't need people around all the time.

Dog can stay at his house.

1. Kids need it to be clear post divorce that "dad's house dad's rules, my house my rules". Rule in your house is no dogs, and that's final, but it absolutely has no effect on dad's dog owner status, he can absolutely get a dog if he wants to.
2. If you can find someone's dog to take for walks, often the dog owner is happy with this arrangement, and the dog is happy, and the kids are happy (cute dog to walk with little obligation). There are websites for this, or ask around people you know. (Works both ways - your daughter could have dog time this way, or you ex could arrange this for his dog).

If you agreed I could see it being 3/6 months down the line and dog needing to move in with you as “it’s DDs pet and Her responsibility and you agreed to get the dog….

so NOPE. If he wants to get her a dog it’s HIS responsibility

I have made it perfectly clear about the dog. That's no longer my issue. I actually got her a kitten just before Christmas. She is lovely and very self sufficient. Her dad is a narcissist and manipulates every situation. She was lovely when we first got our kitten and gave me one nice week over Christmas. I overheard my daughter and her dad speaking badly about me. Nobody should be speaking to their child's other parent in the way he was. My daughter is so disrespectful and I can't actually believe what I'm seeing or gearing from her.

1. Be clear with DD, I have no influence over your father’s decisions. If he wants to get you a dog he will go ahead. The reason the dog is purchased or not has nothing to do with me.
2. You believe it would be cruel to the dog to have it in your home when you are absent for so long and cannot take care of it. You will not be cruel to an animal no matter how much she begs you to.
3. If you agree to any care, give it 6 months tops and your ex will decide it is all too much and you will be guilted into taking the animal on full time. Guaranteed. Hard no to this.

Thank you. I was firm in being totally against the idea of taking care of a dog or holding any shared responsibilities where it was concerned. I actually got a kitten for my daughter just before Christmas. She's so sweet and very self sufficient. My daughter had spoken to me about how lonely she had been feeling. She's an only child and we don't come from a big family. I figured a kitten was a much better option so I go get one. Obviously when she's at her dad, I am happy to take care of her which I have been doing. My daughter has just become very disrespectful towards me and treats her dad like he's the best thing in the world. We'd had a lovely Christmas and she asked me to help her with some homework which I did. It's like she wants help but doesn't at the same time. She kicked off because she doesn't think I should be involved in her school work. Recently she's not done homework so her school messages me each time asking me to encourage her to do it. When I do, she goes mad. I spoke to her dad about it and he bad-mouths the school in front of her. It's the same if I ask her to put her things away. She kicks off and he tells me I'm being unreasonable because in his house, he would just do it. She repeats things he's said to me in the past. I overheard them both slagging me off the other week, my daughter saying she doesn't trust I'll take care of the kitten when she's not there and him saying her agrees and he made judgement on my inheritance from my dad which wasn't a lot but also none of his business. As it happens, I take far better care of our kitten. As I type, my daughter is still in bed and hasn't bothered to feed or clear the litter tray and it's 10.30am. I heard her get up at about 7.30am and thought she'd done it. I could understand her disrespect towards me if I was the kind of parent who doesn't care about their kids but she is given so much in term of love and support and she definitely does not go without. So sorry for the rant but I feel like I'm losing it. I don't like speaking with friends about it because I feel like it's all I'm thinking about it. My daughter doesn't realise what she's doing to me and her dad is enabling and encouraging it.

I've made it perfectly clear. She has a kitten here now and that's my responsibility. Thank you for you message 🙂

Suggest a hamster instead.

ETA - just seen you gave a kitten so am no longer suggesting a hamster. That wouldn’t be a sensible combination.

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You're holding so much inside and alone and you're doing amazingly. You don't have to tell us how well you care for your kitten. You clearly care deeply about your daughter and pet but at a cost to yourself. Would you consider reaching out to your council's early help team to see if they can advise you on a tailored parenting strategy for her. I tend to go back to pace principles when I'm struggling with dd as they're easy to
jmplement and allow you to have feelings and boundaries too. I'm not saying she's traumatised (dd certainly isn't) but sometimes a bit of a refreshed approach can help things reset, even if it's just inside you. If you google pace trauma informed there's loads of free information on it https://www.bmindfulpsychology.co.uk/post/understanding-the-pace-model

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Dear Emma
I will not have a pet here so please be aware that the dog (or any other pets) will not be allowed here and I / Sophie will not be looking after it here or at yours at any point.

Thanks
Chris

I will. Thank you.

I will definitely look into this. Thank you.

Dogsitters exist. If he wants a dog, he has that option.

But, of course, this isn't about wanting a dog. It's about controlling you and eroding your relationship with your daughter.

Tell your daughter what my mum told me: "You can get a dog when you have your own house."

Haha I did.

Exactly