Am I wrong to disagree to looking after my ex's pet?

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My ex wants to get a dog for our daughter (14yo). He wants it to be her responsibility so has asked if the dog can stay at my house occasionally (for the odd night here and there). I have never been interested in dogs and have always been quite wary of them so of course I don't feel comfortable with having one. Besides, I don't like the idea of cleaning up after a dog which is why I have never considered having one. Initially when he mentioned it to me, he said he hadn't told our daughter that he was asking if it would be okay. He has since told her and now because I don't want it in my house, she blames me for not being allowed to have a dog at his house. She is behaving like a spoilt brat. The dog he wants to get is a cockapoo or a cavapoo which doesn't destroy your house. It would be left unattended for 6-7 hours per day as I work. I feel he is using manipulative tactics and is trying to make me feel guilty because it will be good for her physical and mental wellbeing and she really wants it but if I don't support him, she can't have it. I could understand if it was a family pet prior to separation but it's not. Should I feel guilty for saying no?

I would organise to take my daughter to a rescue so they could enlighten her regarding leaving a dog alone for so long and with a non dog person.

I am sure they would oblige for a donation or maybe your daughter could volunteer there.

Your ex is a dick.

In fairness, my cocker cross has not destroyed the house. She attempted to chew on a chair once or twice when teething but that was it. She has shredded every toy she has though.

It’s a neat form of parental alienation, promise the world and then blame mum when the reality isn’t practical.

Me too! 6-7 hours isn't ok - you're being sensible and practical - poor doggie
We have a. Samoyed and rarely leave her at all, max an hour, and when my DH goes somewhere she pines and gets really upset, dogs really need support and family around them
Tell him to pay the £20-40 per day for doggie day care if he's really insistent, but not at your home

It’s not even just the dog coming to your house, what happens if it needs vet care, would he want you to to pay a % towards it, what happens when he goes on holiday, are you expected to have the dog for two weeks at a time.

YANBU. I have a dog but I refused to look after my ex’s dog after he bought it of ‘our’ daughter. I said no because I didn’t want to introduce another dog to mine. In reality I saw me ending up being doggy day care, I’d have to pay for food, vet bills etc and I KNEW I’d be expected to have the dog whilst he went on holiday with, or without our shared dd.

It's a stupid idea not just because you have absolutely no obligation to get involved with his idiotic idea.

At 14 the girl will be thrilled and invested in looking after the dog.

At 15 she won't want dog hair on her clothes and will be independent at going out and meeting friends and will resent having to spend time on the dog.

At 16 exams are a priority.

At 17, a social life is a priority.

At 18, boys are now of a great interest.

In no shape or form should a dog be bought on the understanding it's a teenagers responsibility.

My children had dogs and horses but the expectation of responsibility was never demanded and always mine and my husbands responsibility.

Big fat NO.

No one should have a dog foisted upon them, particularly not by an ex-husband. He’s very welcome to get a dog and he can look after it when she’s not around. But here’s the thing. He doesn’t actually want a dog.

The reality is he knows you’re not going to agree to this so this is his way of being popular Daddy by offering to get a dog and then actually reneging on the agreement by blaming you and making it seem like mummy has prevented it - very manipulative!!

I suspect, if you point this out, she may even see the logic

I can't possibly think why he's your ex??

I can understand your 14-year-old Dd being angry with you, but she'll get over it, she would at rapid speed if it was me because I'd be pointing out quite clearly the cruelty of leaving a Dog home alone b 6/7 hours a day and probably longer when DD is at your house.

I can also see her wanting to bring the dog to your house when she is there and not just leaving it at her dad's house.

If you wanted a dog, you would have got one. Clearly you don't, so it's a no brainer.

And as many people have already said you only ever give a dog if you as the Adult are prepared to be the responsible one. Getting a job for a 14-year-old is lunacy. (ask my parents.) their lives change so much over the next decade they can't possibly commit to what is necessary, even if they want to think they can.

I happen to like cockerpoos, & sometimes you get a lovely docile of House pet, that enjoys a small walk & is happy to potter around at home & be snuggly. It's the exception to the rule though. Cocker spaniels are. 'My breed of choice' but you don't get them for the easy life!!🤣🤣

Just keep saying no, point out what a selfish stupid idiot he is. DD cope.

Your daughter is 14 - at that age my daughter wanted dogs, ponies and an island off the coast of Greece. My response was a resounding no - because I would end up looking after the animals and beach cleaning. You are the grown up and you get to make the grown up decisions. Tell your daughter the truth. Stop protecting your ex.

Don’t let him frame you as the bad guy, just keep repeating (both to him and your DD) that he is free to buy her a dog, not your business, but that includes finding care for when he is unavailable - nothing to do with you.

If he wants a dog, fine.

It’s in no way your responsibility to look after it. Tell him look after it himself, and be honest with your daughter too.

She probably would though if she was left home alone for 7 hours. As most dogs would.

Quite likely but that's not something any responsible dog owner would do.

Your daughter is 14, and I'm sure initially she'll be enthusiastic, walk the dog, feed it etc. However, what happens in a year or two when she's that little bit older, and she wants to go out with her mates, and can't be bothered to take the dog for a walk. It's all very well your ex buying her the dog, so it must be her responsibility, but ultimately the dog will end up being yours. So, no, I don't think you are being unreasonable and you shouldn't feel guilty either.

This is exactly what I did. It's difficult when you're trying to work with someone who is manipulative.

I did exactly this countless times.

I would tell your Dd that it would be very cruel to the dog for it to be left 6-7 hours alone so if she cares about dogs she needs to understand that.

And that you are being kind to a dog, not unkind to her, in saying no.

I did point that out. She understands but is terrified of going against him with anything. It's always good cop bad cop. I always come off worse but I'm not going to go against what I think just to please her. It would be ridiculous for someone like me to look after a dog of any description because I don't know how and I don't want to either. That wouldn't be fair on the dog. Thank you so much for your response.

100% this is the story of my life. I wish my daughter would open her eyes and realise what is really happening here. Not just with this but with everything.

Hell no. I love dogs but wouldn't want a part time share with a shitty ex. Who's responsible for training, vets bills, food, dog walking as they can't be left long and even the bits like washing, grooming. Dogs thrive on stability, they're a tie, take up time, make a mess and cost a lot. If you don't want one there is no win for you and the dog at all. Your dd can get one when she's an independent adult

It sounds so hard emotionally but you're completely in the right and dd knows that. She's just got an absolute twat for a dad 😢

I know nothing about dogs but I absolutely don't believe they don't destroy anything. The idea is ridiculous. Thank you for your response.

As this was back in April, did he buy a dog?

Point out to her that he could get the dog and pay dog walkers/sitters/kennels like everyone else.

It's really hard. The whole dog situation is just one of the hundred of problems. My daughter has been completely manipulated by him. He is such a narcissist. I'm actually scared I'm losing her at the minute. She's become so nasty and I feel like I can't cope.