Am I wrong to disagree to looking after my ex's pet?

[Dot82]

My ex wants to get a dog for our daughter (14yo). He wants it to be her responsibility so has asked if the dog can stay at my house occasionally (for the odd night here and there). I have never been interested in dogs and have always been quite wary of them so of course I don't feel comfortable with having one. Besides, I don't like the idea of cleaning up after a dog which is why I have never considered having one. Initially when he mentioned it to me, he said he hadn't told our daughter that he was asking if it would be okay. He has since told her and now because I don't want it in my house, she blames me for not being allowed to have a dog at his house. She is behaving like a spoilt brat. The dog he wants to get is a cockapoo or a cavapoo which doesn't destroy your house. It would be left unattended for 6-7 hours per day as I work. I feel he is using manipulative tactics and is trying to make me feel guilty because it will be good for her physical and mental wellbeing and she really wants it but if I don't support him, she can't have it. I could understand if it was a family pet prior to separation but it's not. Should I feel guilty for saying no?

Not even slightly

Just laughing at the idea of a Cocker Spaniel cross not destroying your house - I'm guessing your ex isn't a dog person either then 🤣 stick to your guns op. Countless men use dogs as a form of manipulation and control.

Especially when left for 6 to 7 hours on its own 🤣🤣🤣

Sometimes you do need to be the big bad I said no!

Your ex is an absolute dick for going about it this way, of course he is free to have a dog if he wants - but definitely be absolutely clear you want no part with it.

Stick to your guns and under no circumstances give into this. I have no idea why people think spaniel/poodle crosses (two energetic working breeds) are super easy dogs. They are high energy, a bit loopy, can be prone to resource guarding, and they come with all the same challenges as any other dog. A dog is a massive commitment which you do not have to sign up to. Shame on your ex for using a puppy as emotional manipulation

The dog he wants to get is a cockapoo or a cavapoo which doesn't destroy your house

now I’ve heard so much bullshit regarding the amazing “breed” qualities of designer crosses but this is a new one on me!

Do people really buy into this magical thinking that if you cross something with a poodle you somehow instill all the desirable things you ever wanted in a dog?

The dog he wants to get is a cockapoo or a cavapoo which doesn't destroy your house.

You / he think that a dog who is crossed with a SPANIEL (one of the most active, high energy, intelligent, working dogs you can get) is going to just chill and sleep for 6-7 hours a day?!

And this is why so many of these "designer dogs" end up in shelters....

I feel he is using manipulative tactics and is trying to make me feel guilty because it will be good for her physical and mental wellbeing and she really wants it

Speaking from experience (and obviously there are exceptions before anyone comes at me!) most kids and teens who are desperate for a dog will promise the world but very, very rarely do they actually end up being the one who walks it.

Don't be manipulated into this. It's a dreadful idea.

Our cockerpoo does happen to be the easiest dog we ever had in the house. Chewed nothing even as a puppy, sleeps and snuggles lots and is very calm and independent when we’re busy. (Out of the house…a different story as his usually amazing recall totally disappears if nose engages and brain disengages and he chases something!). You can breed for trends in behaviour but never guarantee what you’re going to get. Hence the guide dog puppy rejects etc.

Leaving a single dog routinely for 6-7 hours a day is far too long. Occasionally isn’t ideal but we have done it without problem. I know people do it routinely but I personally don’t think it’s ok.

Never take on a dog you don’t want! They’re such a lot of work even if you really want them. I would explain to your daughter that only an adult can take on a dog. It cannot legally be your daughter’s dog. If she wants a dog then she needs to wait until she’s got her own home. If her Dad wants to take on a dog that’s great and I’m sure she’ll enjoy it being in her home when she’s with her Dad. You don’t one so won’t be getting one, even in part ownership. I tell my kids that about loads of things - they’re welcome to make different choices when they have their own home.

Not even remotely your responsibility and entirely on him.

If she keeps blaming you, she is old enough to understand that although she lives across two houses, those two houses have different rules. Yours is a dog free household. Its your decision as it is your house. Your ex's house is a different house with different rules. You have no influence on his house and he has no influence on yours. Sit her down and reminder her of that if you have to.

Your ex is using you as a get out clause for being the bad guy.

Poodle cross issues aside op, your ex is being spectacularly unfair on you, your dd and the potential dog. If he wants a dog he needs to get one for the right reasons and look at the right breed for his lifestyle, not whatever is cute and fashionable. Making the dog his daughter's responsibility, not his own is shocking. Is he going to hold your dc responsible for vet bills, insurance, 6 weekly grooming costs, vaccinations, training and boarding costs? What happens if she wants to go away to uni in 4 years? He is the reason all dog owners should be licensed.

On another note, the dog will live for more than a decade. Your daughter will be going off to uni in perhaps 3-4 years. Who will take full time responsibility for it then, including £££ for grooming, vet bills, meds? And ensure it’s not alone or neglected??

Point that out to her along with other objections.

Let her volunteer or start a dog walking business if she craves being around pets.

A 14 year old does not need a dog. In 4 years time, presumably she’ll be off to uni or travelling or in an apprenticeship or FT work. Is she going to take the dog with her? Dogs live 12-18 years. Who is going to be caring for the dog when the thrill wears off and she’s 19 and hungover and not getting up at 7am to walk the dog? Never mind the vet bills. Ours ate something stupid and got a bit wobbly for 6 hours and bam, emergency vet visit and £1600 bill.

If your ex wants a dog, he can get a dog. And then he can get a pet sitter to look after it if he’s away. I would never look after someone else’s dog in my house and I say that as someone who has a dog.

He wants a dog for himself, not her, and he wants free dog sitting when he’s away.

Does she really think that when she leaves home in a few years that he’ll let her take his dog with her?

Put your foot down. Tell her if he wants to get her a dog to keep at his house, then she and he need to take responsibility for that and arrange kennels or dog walkers, like other dog owners do.

Thank you everybody for your responses. You have all just confirmed what I already know. It would be 100% unfair of me to have a dog. I know it wouldn't be mine and according to him, it would only be about 10 times per year but absolutely not. Unfortunately, my daughter has been manipulated by him so many times but she can't see it. I've told him he should never have brought me into the equation. As long as my daughter is safe, what he decides to do at his house is his business, not mine.

My ten yr old spaniel has cost me approximately £350 just this week.He's been groomed, his dog food has been delivered , he's had some emergency attention at the vet and two of my sofas have been cleaned after he peed on them for the first time in his life( a consequence of taking ill unexpectedly)
He's a much loved pet who rarely requires much attention but please don't go into dog ownership without really thinking it through.Regular dog grooming fees are a real drain on your finances and I particularly don't like a pet being used as some sort of control mechanism.

Absolutely do not feel guilty. Your Ex is a Disney dad and a twat and feel free to tell him that.

Dogs do not get bought for children - people can come at me for saying that all they want, but it's true. Children do not walk dogs and they do not feed dogs (especially once the initial excitement as worn off and they need to do a 90 minute walk in the rain with said dog). They do not undertake any financial responsibility for a dog. They are not responsible for picking up after the dog. Or training the dog. Or dealing with the chaos when the dog inevitably destroys your home.

At 14 you can be frank with her - her dad lied, boxed you into a corner and it is unspeakably cruel to own a pet and leave it alone for 7hrs a day. Tough shit if you're painting him as a bad parent, and a twat - he is.

You should also not that no good breeder will sell to you/your Ex with this set up, so if you do manage to get a dog you'll be looking at severe health and/or behavioural issues (and poodle mixes often come with these anyways).

I understand why people love dogs, but I personally wouldn’t want one in my house either.

Why can’t he keep the dog at his house and arrange doggy day care (or a dog-loving friend or relative) for when he and your daughter aren’t around?

Not in my house! ‘If you think a dog would be so beneficial to our daughter’s wellbeing, then I understand completely you might get one for your house. And she can care for it and benefit from that engagement when she’s at your house, but dog won’t be staying here. But I’ve explained that to her if you can only cope with the dog if I take on some of its care then you’re probably not ready to be a dog owner, I think she gets it.’

I will never in a million years be "occasionally" stopping at yours, it will be there frequently.

and just wait till he gets a new girlfriend that moves in who doesn't like the dog and its then at yours 100% of the time.

Yep, Disney land dad tactics. The dog will end up permanently at your house - that's fucking obvious! And your 14 year old daughter will not lift a finger to care for the poor thing. By the time she's 16 she won't be remotely interested in it anyway. Tell her to go and live with her dad and they can both have a magical Disney time looking after the dog.

@LandSharksAnonymous I love how honest you are. I totally agree with you. I like dogs although quite scared of them so I would never attempt to buy one. Any breeder wanting to sell me a dog is a complete idiot and that's not because I would be deliberately cruel to it but because I can't take care of it and I don't want the responsibility even if it is for one night. This whole idea is utterly ridiculous and I'm grateful I'm not on my own with this thought.

That 10% would quickly become 100% and you would become financially responsible. Tell him and your daughter that he can put the dog in kennels or with a dog boarder like everyone else who has a dog.

That's exactly what I said but he doesn't want to have to do that. He wants free doggy daycare. He's obviously not fit to have a dog.

I said that but he has no friends and his family can't apparently. I don't even know why I'm bothered. I suppose it's because he's using me as an excuse for my daughter so now she blames me.

His dog is his business. It's nothing to do with you. If he wants one it's his responsibility. I wouldn't take it on. He's a wanker for bringing you kid in to it.