Angry toddler who won’t leave the house - please help!

[LostFirstTimeMummy2025]

We have one DD, age 2 and a quarter. She’s our first and likely only child. For around 8 months now, she has been filled with rage, anger and has been having tantrums. I know all of this is normal toddler behaviour and developmentally where she should be, but I feel like we’re dealing with an extreme level with our DD regarding this one issue.

DD is very bright, speaks in full sentences (better than any of child her age that I have met), and is very empathetic but she really struggles with leaving the house, no matter where we are going. She has the most extreme tantrums for at least an hour before we leave the house, whether we are taking her to nursery, one of her activities or out somewhere for the day. She can be the one to ask to go out, e.g. to the park or the zoo, but the reaction is always the same. If we get dressed first, she will get angry when eating breakfast and throw food and drinks on the floor, throw her toys, trash the lounge and have her tantrum that way. If we have breakfast first, she tantrums whilst getting dressed and runs away, hits us, screams and we have to physically wrestle her into her clothes. If we don’t get her dressed, it’ll just happen the minute we try to leave the house. I end up exhausted, sweating and holding back tears most mornings because of it all. I feel guilty that something as simple as needing to leave the house is so triggering for her. I know if we just didn’t ask this of her that it wouldn’t trigger the same response.

Every morning for 8 months has been like this and I feel broken by it. I’ve tried everything I can think of. I’m constantly late for work and spend my mornings so upset. Constantly trying to replay how I can stop triggering these huge meltdowns which result in either me being attacked or my house being trashed. I can’t just never leave the house and obviously we do eventually but I dread mornings because every morning is like this. I thought she would have got it by now that despite the tantrums, we still have to go out.

She has other tantrums in the day over other things that come up or when tired, but the morning tantrums are on a whole other level. Also, she’s apparently very well behaved in nursery!

Please can someone who has had the same issue tell me what I should do? I love my DD but I don’t know how much longer I can cope doing this every morning with no reprieve.

So she has tantrums about different things, but it's just that the leaving the house tantrums are particularly bad?

Is it the getting dressed that's the problem? What if you go out in her pyjamas?

What is your response to the tantrums? Do you beg and cajole? Bargain? Breeze straight through and just keep putting her clothes on anyway?

Does she enjoy herself once she is out? Or does she show signs of being anxious?

No idea if these will help but a lot of children find all the different steps to going out stressful and transitions are also stressful for lots of chikdren, even if it's what they want to do.

Some (not all) respond well to things like timers signifying when a step needs to start, picture timetables of different stages, and using now next language.

Transitional objects are meant to help with a transition m, so basically can she take teddy with her etc.

yes, tantrums to all different things but this is a BIG problem and happens every morning.

it can be getting dressed if that follows breakfast, or it’s breakfast if that follows getting dressed. Basically, if she gets the sense that we will be going out after one of the other, she loses it.

she hits and screams and we have to essentially physically restrain her to get her dressed if she’s having a tantrum. I try to remain calm but also if she hits me I will say tell her we don’t hit, you need to use gentle hands. I will say things like “we need to get dressed if we want to go to the zoo and play. We’re going to have so much fun”. I’ll always try to make it sound like if we do this, we can go out. BUT she’s already in full tantrum mode by then usually anyway. The minute she sees her clothes or toothbrush she kicks off. You don’t even need to speak to her about it. Just seeing those things triggers her.

if we don’t get her dressed she just starts as soon as she notices you getting ready to leave. For example, if I get my shoes on she will start. It’s like the minute she sees you wanting to go out, all hell breaks loose.

I mean, it’s been 8 months so we have tried a lot of techniques.

Thank you.

we use now next language but I notice that even talking about what we’re going to do next is a trigger. She will start shouting at me and say she’s not doing that thing and then the tantrum starts. But then just doing it also triggers the tantrum so I feel like I can’t win.

I feel like I’ve written so much down here but I’ve not been specific in what we do or don’t do.

I found with mine that I needed to try and provide ownership in the transitions: is Mummy going to put your coat on it is xx(use their name), is xx going to walk or it Daddy going to carry.

Pictorial sequencing so they know what is coming next and what they need to do - it gives them some control with knowledge of what’s happening and helps with transitions.

I am not for one minute suggesting anything other than how to find a helpful resource here but google ASD / ND and how to support transitions (it helps everyone, not just those with ND)

Is she staying in PJ's if you aren't going out? What if getting dressed, brushing teeth happens in the same order every day, so it's not a signal for going out, or do you just mean getting coat and shoes on?

And have you asked anyone professional for help?

@NotbloodyGivingupYet we get dressed every day whether we’re going out or not. I try to stick to a routine.. I don’t change it up daily but in the 8 months we have tried a few different things because obviously if one of them worked then that would be great.

we typically do breakfast first but purely because IF we get dressed first then go and have breakfast, if she has a meltdown she tends to end up covered in her breakfast or her top is covered in tears and dribble. Regardless, the other way doesn’t work either.

not asked for professional help. I’ve spoken to other mum friends but they don’t recognise the behaviour I’m describing. I’m ashamed, to be honest.

Sorry, I suppose really this isn’t just about going out BUT I think DD connects getting dressed or eating breakfast with going out. I stick to the same routine whether we’re staying in or not, but even if I explain we’re just getting dressed but staying at home, her reaction is the same

I would stick to a set routine for every morning irrespective of if your going out. Use a clear pictorial timetable with each item and have a “finished” section for when each thing is completed.

keep language to a minimum and keep it very calm. Dont negotiate or try to make things sound exciting. Try to keep the routine as short as possible.

Once you do get out with her, does she enjoy herself? Do you leave while she’s still tantruming and, if so, at what point does she settle? If she tantrums long enough/hard enough, do you end up not going out after all? Does she go to nursery/childcare?

Sorry to bombard you with questions but I think the answers will help people advise you.

It sounds like she likes the idea of being out of the house but finds it overwhelming. You could try her with ear defenders, and also a peaked cap if she will wear one can be great for visual sensory overload. I also agree with the poster who suggests giving her a choice in everything ie would you like x or y to happen, even for tiny things. Gives her a feeling of more control over the situation

I think stick to your routine, but also when you don’t NEED to leave the house, make home very very boring for her. No playing, no tv etc. smoke her out with boredom!

You could have been talking about my dgs2. He hated (still does) getting dressed, putting on shoes and going in the car. Major tantrums from the age of one and they've only started to decrease now he's 3 and 1/2. I'm afraid I have used bribery - the occasional biscuit or crisp to eat as he responded well to that. Not that long ago I had to manoeuvre him to my car, wearing a pair of my shoes and his dressing gown. He flatly refused to leave the house any other way. His mum has similar problems with him. He's just a very determined child! We have tried everything, believe me. Sometimes one thing will work, sometimes it doesn't. It will pass but omg it's hard work and very frustrating. I feel for you

• sometimes she enjoys herself, other times she asks to come home.
• she actually enjoys the thought of going out because she asks to go places like the park or zoo, but she then still has the tantrum
• no, we always go eventually even if she tantrums. Usually takes her at least an hour to calm so sometimes we go out in full tantrum mode because I have to be somewhere at a certain time
• yes, nursery 3 days a week. She is apparently very well behaved there. I have raised this issue with them there and they said they were surprised

That sounds tough OP - worth asking at your local children’s centre for any advice/help
Have you tried a pictorial timetable on a Velcro strip (so symbols). Could be a symbol for breakfast, symbol for getting dressed, then symbol for whatever you’re doing eg park, symbol for snack, symbol for home? Hopefully that wouldn’t be too much info as it sounds like her understanding is pretty good judging by her speech.
You could then show her and start with the first symbol ie look it’s time for breakfast. Then break it down to give her a choice ‘do you want x for breakfast? Or y for breakfast?’
If she tantrums, I’d let her then when she’s calm enough to listen bring her back to the timetable and start with breakfast again
& try and give her as much choice as possible so for getting dress letting her choose between 2 for bottoms/tops etc. For the park kind of lead and manage her expectation so when we’re at the park would you like to go on the swings or the slide first and kind of pad out her expectations that way..
May not work and might not always be practical if you’re in a rush eg going to work but best of luck and hope it calms down for you all soon

Thank you for saying this. This is exactly how it is for me. Some days I’m so desperate to not be late for something that I have resorted to bribing her but honestly, it makes no difference. I’ve missed doctors appointments and all sorts because I just can’t get out the house. It’s only getting harder as she gets bigger. She’s big for her age and I’m very petite. I struggle physically with getting her into the car.

My DD is the same. I find they get worse over certain periods. (Christmas whole month was hell, birthdays, even half term if it seems busier)

I cant give advice as I think other posters have quite a few things to try.

But what helped my sanity was seeing it from a perspective that she hasn't fully developed, she could be overwhelmed, not understand, frustrated and her tantrum is her getting rid of all that energy so she feels better until she learns to communicate or express herself in a healthier way.
Because honestly some of her tantrums would send me into panic, so i felt half the battle was keeping myself calm and incontrol of my feelings so I could focus on her in the way she needed, and what calmed her wasn't always what I thought would 😅 with my DD even tensing my face muscles would perpetuate her tantrum..trying not to flinch or tense when your bopped in the face is a challenge in itself 😂 I go into what I call Zen mode, neutral face and the meditation voice comes out 😂

I worked with a child who responded like this every time one activity ended and another was due to start. Typically didn't want to go out, then didn't want to come back in. I was shown the Repeat/ignore technique. It works like a charm on some children. So you tell the child in advance that current activity is due to end and new one starting. Then announce it's time to do X. Ignore tantrums. Prevent them from doing anything else more "fun" by removing items or holding doors closed. Only eye contact when stating "we are doing X now". Then look away, ignore tantrums etc. Repeat until they comply. (Give yourself plenty of time for trying this out !)
Make not complying with you really boring for them.
If they are having a genuine meltdown rather than a tantrum, this won't work, and you do need proper advice.
But don't feel ashamed. Every child is different and what works for one won't work for another.
I've seen a colleague in tears at her own child's behaviour in when she had no problem controlling a class of unruly 11 year olds.

If you think that the getting dressed is a big part of it, have a word with nursery, and take her in wearing her pyjamas. Give them the clothes in a bag. I will bet anything she will get dressed happily for them. I used to run a preschool, and this was a very regular occurrence for us!

Just to echo above posters with trying pictoral sequencing cards and sticking to a very consistent routine. Our DD was like this, and is now being assessed for ASD. Not saying this is the situation with your DD, but knowing what was expected and what was coming back helped...i think too many auditory instructions was overwhelming (even though her language was very advanced) and the pictures really helped.

Oh. And what the pp said about staying calm. Absolutely this. (I had a bolshy toddler who was stronger than I could manage. I would stand next to her, arms folded looking away while she drummed her feet on the floor in Tesco. Got some funny looks but eventually she knew that she had to get up and walk or we'd be there all day).
If I got upset or angry everything just escalated.

Try using a visual schedule to show her the days plans or at least the next hours.
White board draw your own or use photos and magnets or
You can buy ready made like

amzn.eu/d/fD18xCW

Sand timers can be very helpful to as they give a tangible signal that it’s nearly time to transition between activities.

Thanks everyone. I do try my very best to stay as calm as possible, I know getting angry won’t change anything. I do feel like maybe it’s more than a normal tantrum because she does have these daily but the mornings are just so different.

There is a strong family history on DH side of autism and/or ADHD, DH included. DH is someone who really hates rules and cannot cope with any form of routine or expectation. I do wonder whether DD is similar and actually structure and routine is too overwhelming for her? It definitely is for DH and our life is generally chaos because he can’t function well if there is much expectation of him to conform or follow rules. DD may just be like her Dad so I just need to ride the storm like I do with DH.