Angry toddler who won’t leave the house - please help!

[LostFirstTimeMummy2025]

We have one DD, age 2 and a quarter. She’s our first and likely only child. For around 8 months now, she has been filled with rage, anger and has been having tantrums. I know all of this is normal toddler behaviour and developmentally where she should be, but I feel like we’re dealing with an extreme level with our DD regarding this one issue.

DD is very bright, speaks in full sentences (better than any of child her age that I have met), and is very empathetic but she really struggles with leaving the house, no matter where we are going. She has the most extreme tantrums for at least an hour before we leave the house, whether we are taking her to nursery, one of her activities or out somewhere for the day. She can be the one to ask to go out, e.g. to the park or the zoo, but the reaction is always the same. If we get dressed first, she will get angry when eating breakfast and throw food and drinks on the floor, throw her toys, trash the lounge and have her tantrum that way. If we have breakfast first, she tantrums whilst getting dressed and runs away, hits us, screams and we have to physically wrestle her into her clothes. If we don’t get her dressed, it’ll just happen the minute we try to leave the house. I end up exhausted, sweating and holding back tears most mornings because of it all. I feel guilty that something as simple as needing to leave the house is so triggering for her. I know if we just didn’t ask this of her that it wouldn’t trigger the same response.

Every morning for 8 months has been like this and I feel broken by it. I’ve tried everything I can think of. I’m constantly late for work and spend my mornings so upset. Constantly trying to replay how I can stop triggering these huge meltdowns which result in either me being attacked or my house being trashed. I can’t just never leave the house and obviously we do eventually but I dread mornings because every morning is like this. I thought she would have got it by now that despite the tantrums, we still have to go out.

She has other tantrums in the day over other things that come up or when tired, but the morning tantrums are on a whole other level. Also, she’s apparently very well behaved in nursery!

Please can someone who has had the same issue tell me what I should do? I love my DD but I don’t know how much longer I can cope doing this every morning with no reprieve.

OP, have you looked at the PDA/ODD profiles? Do any of them match?

Does bribing work on other occasions, ie when she's not having a tantrum? If yes, have you tried a reward jar? Put a jam jar somewhere she can see but not reach, and when she does something good a ball goes in. Naughty things, a ball comes out. When jar is full she gets a biggish prize like a toy. You can use anything to fill the jar, doesn't have to be balls, but I would recommend a range of sizes so you can fill faster/slower as needed. Or just 3 balls for extra good behaviour etc.

Don't use this system on the tantrums initially until it's well established and working properly with lesser behaviours. But if she gets it then you may be able to start incorporating rewards for getting out the door nicely. I'd break it down at first, so she could earn a ball for eg putting on shoes, another for clothes, another for walking nicely to the door etc. Basically fill the jar fast. You can tone the number of balls down later. I wouldn't take balls out of jar for tantrums specifically, because she's likely to become frustrated if she feels she is failing and losing all the balls. Fine to remove balls when she is in control though (eg refusing to help you tidy up toys).

I realise it's just another thing to try, but it's harmless and easy to give it a whirl. It's worked for two 'trickier' kids I know. Not perfect, but significantly improved on the tantrum front.

I am not sure you riding the storm is going to help here. Rules and expectations are part of life and she does need I think (and you) professional help

With such a strong family history of ND and with this behaviour having been quite extreme and lasting for 8 months I think you would be best to seek advice from professionals and/or charities who support families with ND kids. Techniques that work on NT kids won’t work on someone with ND and it sounds like you have tried a lot already.

What do you do in the morning when you wake up? We had similar with our DS - we were having an awful time getting him dressed and out the house (particularly for nursery). It was incredibly stressful - he would scream and have to be carried, but then was fine once he arrived.

We found that no tv in the mornings massively helped - I think he was becoming overstimulated quite quickly. Now we stick to the same routine - a cuddle and a cup of milk in bed, downstairs to play, a snack / breakfast, getting dressed then going. We do this even if we don’t go out first thing / on non-nursery days. He now knows exactly what’s coming and when.

We also used a reward jar (don’t empty it with the tantrums to start with - just reward the good behaviour). Consistency and keeping things simple really helped and we don’t have that issue anymore. You may have already tried these things but just thought I’d share our experience.

Have you got the ball rolling for any intervention?

It takes a long time to go through the process, our health visitor referred us to paediatrics when they identified her tantrums beyond their scope. (She was under anyway due to a delay) but it was nice seeing they can link people in to further help.

I found over time a difference between her tantrums and THE TANTRUMS. The tantrums in relation to frustration had an obvious trigger and you could use the normal tactics on NHS to deescalate, THE TANTRUMs she was inconsolable for hours and you couldn't reach her, it was like she short-circuited and would get aggressive. But at that point being present and keeping calm is all you can do. As they get older and further in development the deescalation techniques will have more effect.

Not sure if this is any help, we are still working out what is happening with our DD as they are questioning if it's a chromosomal disorder. When they are so young it's hard to identify things exactly x

(I was meant to quote OP latest post 😂 it was reply)

I think you need to get some help.

What would happen if you took her to nursery in her pyjamas?
you said things are chaotic you need to explain to your husband that she needs order and routine.
What makes things chaotic/in what way are things chaotic?

We had similar though not as extreme for about 6 - 8 weeks when DD was about 2 and 8 months. She also had great speech but as soon as we put shoes / she realised we were going out on she went mental.

She would be ok once we got out and enjoy it. We only broke the cycle when we went on holiday to Tenerife and she just stopped by mid way through the holiday x

With the family history of ND I would be seeking to get on the assessment pathway. She may be masking at nursery.
it sounds like she gets very overwhelmed with transitions.
echoing what others say about a now and next board with symbols (I know you said you use the language but the symbols and the physical board can be really helpful).
Try to let her feel like she’s taking charge and give limiting choices eg it’s time to get dressed next, are you wearing the red or blue top? You’ll need trousers on too, blue or pink?
Your shoes are all by the door, which ones are you wearing?

You're describing a ND husband, and almost certainly, a ND daughter.

Getting the ball rolling for an ASD assessment is the first thing you need to do.

(Sorry, that didn't sound very sympathetic or helpful, but it sounds like you're dealing with autism to me.)

I was going to say it sounded very familiar and normal to me until you mentioned meltdowns can last an hour, so maybe there is something more there.

But otherwise both our DCs went through this, particularly with getting dressed. They also both had a (months long) phase of being in an awful mood from the moment they woke up so everything was a struggle in the morning (demanded to go down for breakfast, then would kick off at being given breakfast etc).

My best advise would be as per PP, keep zen, relaxed face, easy breezy voice and get them dressed etc anyway. It feels awful when they are kicking and screaming but really cajoling, bribing etc wasn't working anyway and at some point we couldn't revolve our lives around the behaviours, we had places to be and jobs to keep.

Eventually they grew out of it and mornings are now lovely. DS in particular really struggled with transitions (really aggressive meltdowns every night after nursery) and we questioned neurodiversity but now at 7 we have no issues at all.

Good luck!

Don’t do this ! It could have the opposite effect. Home is meant to be a safe happy nurturing place you can’t restrict a child playing and having fun at home. A secure base and happiness and relaxation promotes security and builds confidence and that is what is needed.

Too young to tell if there is any Neurodiversity, but having had similar issues with our older but ND son, visual timetables and starting the prep for the activity a long time before it is going to happen works. A sudden, 'put your coat on' out of nowhere will spark utter defiance and outrage at the demand.

Have you had her two year review yet with the HV?

Firstly it isn’t your fault and don’t feel embarrassed you can ask for help.

just to give a different perspective. Everyone always suggests giving choice. We found this counter productive and escalated and prolonged tantrums. Our little boy was overwhelmed by even the most simple and limited choices. If I said do you want this top or this top he would just scream no no no and get more agitated. I think he couldn’t handle the transitions and this created a new transition and a chance he could make the wrong choice. Fast and breezy without compromising or acknowledging the tantrums worked best for us with a quick you are wearing this and as much distraction as possible with other toys while getting dressed. It didn’t stop the tantrums and it was still v stressful but they were briefer
Now at 3 and a half he has grown out of it and loves a choice but it has taken a long while to get there

@LostFirstTimeMummy2025

When you tell your daughter she is going out to the park, to nursery or wherever, do you also tell her that after you have finished she will be coming back home?

Many years ago, I remember going on a training course and one of the trainers who was an experienced and highly respected teacher of children with autism, told us about a girl who had a complete meltdown every time they went swimming.

It eventually transpired that although the girl was told step by step when she was going swimming, how she would get there, what would happen at the swimming pool etc etc, nobody had thought to tell her that after swimming had finished, she would be going back home.

Once they started telling her she would be going home after swimming the meltdowns stopped.

My son is autistic and I found this helped him too. It is as though they think they are going out for ever and are never coming home again.

What also helped DS was telling him well in advance what was going to happen and repeating it. So if we had to go out on Wednesday, I would start telling him on Monday what was going to happen on Wednesday and keep repeating it. We also had a time chart similar to this:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Activities-Routine-Timetable-Magnetic-Children/dp/B0BFJHHHJT/ref=asc_df_B0BFJHHHJT?mcid=dba1cb54f2a035308b31742e6280db6b&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697323600425&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4221127030738065998&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9193398&hvtargid=pla-1881158415251&psc=1&gad_source=1

Another thing that worked was using the timer on the cooker as a signal for the next thing he had to do. "When the beeper goes you have to come and eat breakfast/go and brush your teeth/put your shoes on."

Not saying your child is autistic, but often strategies that work for autistic children, work for other children too.

However, I agree with PP that maybe you need professional support given the family history. I would start by speaking to your GP.

That sounds distinctly possible. Masking in other environments like the nursery is only too common. I suggest asking your GP for a referral for assessment.

Can you try making one room reasonably tantrum proof so that your daughter can't trash anything and you can more or less leave her, subject to ensuring she's safe? When my children were toddlers I used to find it quite helpful just to leave them to it once I'd made sure that there was no actual reason for the tantrum, i.e. they weren't in pain, hungry etc. I think ultimately they bored themselves out of the tantrums.

My eldest went through this phase at a little older, it started after he got bitten in nursery, but extended to leaving the house to go anywhere. He was non-verbal at that age, and has since been diagnosed with autism, however the strategies we used are useful for any child with emotional disregulation. After a lot of trial and error, this is what worked for us:

-A visual timetable that DS would put the pictures on each morning, so he had control over what order he did things in
-Minimal language used during the meltdowns, trying to reason/talk him down at that point made things worse, he needed time to get his feelings out of his system, then I could talk
-Leaving a ridiculously long time in which to get ready, and sense that I was trying to hurry him along and he would get overwhelmed
-As he got slightly older, making it clear if we were going to be leaving he house the following day, where we were going, how long we were going to be there, and how much time he would have at home at either side of the trip

2 is a tough age, the other parents you've spoken with might not be able to relate to your DD's specific behaviours, however it's really not uncommon. How is she once she's out of the house? Does it take her time to calm down, or once the 'getting ready' is over do her feelings subside. If she's feeling overwhelmed when she leaves the house as well, perhaps trying things like short trips out, using ear defenders, taking food and drinks with you so you always have something familiar to hand, taking a blanket if she might find cocooning herself comforting.

DS is 9 now, and still finds uncontrollable environments challenging, we go places armed with the things he needs to help him regulate, however we have progressed from leaving he house 'kitted up' so to speak, to just having these items in a bag and he will ask for them if he needs them, so his resilience is building.

DD is 6 and is on the assessment pathway for autism and pathological demand avoidance, so she can be really explosive at times. We manage better at home because she has more control, but she is finding school deeply challenging at the moment. She is academically behind, and has recently become aware of that fact, which is causing lots of meltdowns as she's feeling the pressure to catch up with her peers so she can do the same tasks they are. For her I've been reading up on low demand parenting which was recommended on another thread. A lot of it is what we are already doing, but there have been some useful insights, it might be worth a look for you too based on some of the things you have said in your posts.

It's tough, but you're doing your best. Sometimes we find strategies that work, other times they outgrow the behaviours as they mature, but either way, it won't be like this forever. If she gets older, and is still displaying a lot of these behaviours, it might be worth considering assessment for some form of neurodiversity, but for the moment, she's barely more than a baby, with a lot of feelings she doesn't know how to handle. It sounds like she has understanding and supportive parents from everything you're trying, she will learn in time.

One small additional point I'd like to make - having had a 2 yr old who talked very well too - they don't always understand as much as you think, when they have learned how to put sophisticated language together. So consider whether to consciously simplify explanations and instructions further, around tricky situations.

Good luck finding improvements.

It sounds like she's got stuck, so maybe you need a big new thing to reset. Could you try a new treat. eg: offer an audio book on headphones. So if she gets ready calmly she gets to have a story on when you leave the house? Mine would have loved that!

This sounds tough. I would definitely try a simple visual timeline- symbols for breakfast, getting dressed, teeth and then car for going out. Or nursery etc. keep it consistent and see if it improves over the weeks. Pull the symbols off as and when they’re completed. A lot of meltdowns at transition times can be due to anxiety and a timeline may help reduce this, it does take constant use and consistency to see the effects though. Other ideas, a sand timer- can we get dressed before it runs out (some children find time pressure stressful) so it’s seeing what works best for your little one.

You've had some great advice already but I just wanted to share something that helped with one of mine - explaining to teddy/doll what was going to happen. So lots of advance notice anyway, but then "DD can you tell dolly it's time to put her shoes on? Can you help her" etc.

Also - is the noise of outdoor environments overstimulating her? Would she wear ear defenders?