I need some wise opinions here. This is going to be long, sorry

[saltire]

Some of you may recall we ahd a few problems with DS1's behaviour a while ago. Thankfully it has settled down. However, since the Easter holidays he has been getting night terrors, always at the same time, sometimes awake, sometimes not. He has also been getting incredibly upset about going to school, verging on the hysterical. he keeps telling me things that have happened at school.
Anyway, the parental support woman had a word with both DSes (we were ahivng problems with Ds2 as well) She said that Ds1 had told her on a scale of 1-10, 10 being happy, that school was a 2,a dn home was a 8. He told her that he doesn't like school, doesn't like living here, and gets very frustrated because he struggles with the work. he won't tell the teachers when someone upsets him becasue he is worried aobut repercussions

DS2 told her much the same and that he worries when his dad is away (like now), and things in a similar vein

However, they both then told their headteacher the exact opposite. They told her they liked school had no problems with teh work etcExcept for 1 thing, they both told her they didn't like living here, that they blamed dad for brining them here, that they felt neglected because he seemed to prefer rugby to spending time with them, etc.
They are also both really upset because DH ahsn't called them from Cyprus (where he is for the rugby) and DS1 is convinced that the plane has crashed and no one has told him.
Do I tell DH that's how they feel though? I know what he will say, that I am making him feel guilty, that I don't like him refereeing rugby and this is an excuse to get him to stop, that I hate it here and am depressed because of it and I have told the DSes to say it, that he moved school when he was young and he was ok.

Are you happy saltire?

maybe they are picking up on your unhappiness?

I'm not happy here at all. So much so that I increased the ADs I take for pain relief to see if they would help my mood. I do try really hard not to let onto them though. Except when we came back down here after the easter break at my mums . I cried for an hour! all the way to the M6.
They both told my mum they didn't wan to elave her house and come back here. You see all I get from DH is "oh loads of toehr service children have to move all the time".
I want to move back to Scotland with the DSes next year and move into the house we ahve, which we currently rent out.
I don't know if I should tell him what the Dses have said though, like I said he'll turn it round to be my fault.
Ds1 has been down in floods of tears becasue dad hasn't called from Cyprus, and actually said to me "dad prefers rugby to us"

I think you must tell your DH how your whole family is feeling. If he doesn't believe you surely he will believe the school. You must also tell him how hurt the kids were that he didn't phone. Will the kids tell him that too? How old are they btw?

They are 10 and 8. I don't know if they will say anything to him, I just can't be bothered with it all being my fault. my fault I don't like it, my fault I'm ill, my fault the boys misbehave.
I wish I wasn't so far away from people I know,

agree with pinkteddy, saltire. Your dh sounds a bit offhand about the kids' feelings. And not phoning is really off, IMO.

having said that, if you really do have to stay where you are for the mo (don't know your story, btw, nor where you are) then isn't there anything you can do to make it better? Do you have friends nearby? Is there anything good about the area? Could family come and visit you so that the kids don't just associate family and good times with the place they have left but start to feel that the new place is home too?

agree with pinkteddy, saltire. Your dh sounds a bit offhand about the kids' feelings. And not phoning is really off, IMO.

having said that, if you really do have to stay where you are for the mo (don't know your story, btw, nor where you are) then isn't there anything you can do to make it better? Do you have friends nearby? Is there anything good about the area? Could family come and visit you so that the kids don't just associate family and good times with the place they have left but start to feel that the new place is home too?

I'm stuck here unfortunately. My friends and family are all in Scotland, at least 7 hours away. My mum has been down once, but had to come in the train as my step dad is 65 and felt it was too far to drive. I don't have any friends down here, I go out to work, but don't really socialise much. We never go out as a couple because we have no babysitters.
I live in a horrible Married Quarter, and none of my neighbours speak.

where do you live saltire? how long are you posted there for? when did you move there?

It sounds to me as though you have to put the two conversations together to get to the truth - ie that there are problems at school (his list of complaints is very specific and thought through and rings through to me) and there are problems related to the move and your husband being away.

Do you know what I'd consider doing? You may think I'm mad. And it slightly depends on how long you think you might be there for. But I might take them out of school, and home educate for a while. They are young, 10 and 8, if you feel up to it, just take them out of school, and make living in this new country a fun adventure for all of you. Go out and about, find out about things, don't worry about lessons, make sure they keep reading, buy a few maths workbooks if you like - and just enjoy each other and have fun. Tell them that you are going to do this for a while - say 3 months or 6 months or a year - and if you all decide you still hate living there, you will go back to Scotland. If it is all working out, then you'll stay there and keep with the homeschooling.

Obviously you are going to have to talk to DH and make sure he does his part in addressing the various issues too.

What do you think? Might that work?

actually reading your last post it sounds like this interestoing new country might be England . But still. Take them out, explore, go to castles, learn stuff, visit places, meet new people in your own time/.

PPH - in Hampshire, been here a year, another 2 to go. I am thinking seriously of moving back to Scotland next year when DS1 finsihes year 6. DH isn't happy, but I've had 15 years of moving around the country after him. I was all geared up for him leaving this year and they promoted him and now he's signed on again. I think it's time I put myself and the Dses first.
That doesn't solve the short term though does it. I don't know if I could afford to educate them at home. I am currently working part time, hoping to eventually get registered again as a CM.
That's another issue the Dses have. They don't like me going to work even though it's from 11-2, and they are at school. They want me to CM again, DS1 in particular seem to ahve this idea that the shop is going to burn down or the bus crash
I know my physical healt h doesn't help, and I knw my depression ahs come back. I don't want to go to doc though as I have a medical form to fill in for CM. I am worried enough what they will say about Fibromyalgia.

I'm waffling again.

It is England! I probably made it sound like Timbuctoo.
Like I said I'm tired of moving, I want to settle, I haven't got the emotional or pyhsical stength to argue though

saltire, the kids sound pretty stressed if they are worrying about you while they are at school.

I definitely agree you should put yourselves first and move back to Scotland if that is what would make you all happy.

We only have one life.

I think your ds1 sounds extremely anxious and fragile at the moment if he is worrying about you and dh dying all the time. I really think he needs a good chunk of tlc and stability. I don't know. I've never posted on a thread and said "home educate" in my life (and have never home educated myself!) but my instinct on reading this is to just take him out of school and have fun. After all the timing is good - he would only lose half a term to gain 3.5 months out of school, you could then work out whether in September you stay in Hampshire and keep home edding, stay in Hampshire and send him back to school if he is feeling happier and more secure, or go to Scotland in time for the new academic year.

But I understand that it may not be possible money wise. If it is, I think it is really worth looking at. What he is saying worries me a bit (as of course it does you)

If you did stop the school, could you look on your time in Hampshire as an extended holiday for you all? Because it sounds like you need a bit of a break as well....

yes I must admit I thought you were in Germany or somewhere when you initially posted

HI Saltire I know how you feel. My DH is in the services and probably coming out in Nov. I have 2 DSes too and they have found things hard- mainly DS1. We moved up here from Hampshire nearly 3 years ago and they hate it. DS1 always asks if we can move somewhere else, he hates his school and finds it really ahrd to make new friends. My DH spent a lot of the time in Hants detatched abroad and the boys did miss him. I cannot do lots with them as I am disabled too, have severe SPD for 12 years and am now also having tests as GP thinks I have fibromyalgia too but wants to rule other things out. I think as Forces wives we have a challenging time and I don't think the DH's understand how hard it is for us. They get posted to a new job and we follow, but it means changing schools, making friends etc and some people, me included don't make friends easily. I only speak to my neighbour, I have no true friends here I don't even have a job. If I had the option of moving back to our house I would but we sold it stupidly. Tell your DH that the children aren't happy and that you really want to move back to Scotland. I think your boys would benefit from some continuity in their schooling. We are stuck here as DS1 is in Year 8 and DS2 year 6, and also DH has got a job as a civvie back here when he comes out. I honestly don't know how I will cope here for the future but perhaps my boys might be happier when we live in a "normal environment" again.
Sorry it is so long.

I ahve never hated a posting as much as this. I also haven't felt so depressed and fed up in a long long time

I am off to bed now, DS1 usually waken with his night terrors between 11 and 1,and sometimes he wanders or gets hysterical and I want to be upstairs to deal with it.
He, they both, worry me a lot, they both seem really miserable. Of course DH not ringing isn't helping!

mumof2 - before I go, I have the Fibromyalgia. have I said that already? i can't remember. It's awful being in pain isn't it? I have pain at least 80% of the time. I ahve had really bad flare ups in the past where my mum has had to come and help, but of course she can't do that now, not in a hurry anyway.

Am I getting this right - that the rugby is a hobby / leisure interest rather than work? H e goes off and leaves you stranded in a place you didn't want to go, and doesn't phone?

yes, tell him, and maybe if he won't say anything other than it's your fault, then insist on counselling?

meanwhile, it sounds as if the boys feel very insecure, and you are their only firm peg. With one parent away, they are afraid of the other not being in the home.

I think I would be giving DH an ultimatum - either he supports you and the boys as a tight knit family, and tries to pull together to make you all feel happier, or you go back to Scotland. And make a realistic plan with a timescale.

I'm realy sorry you are so unhappy. The boys too.

I agree with PPH that it sounds as if your boys, especially DS1 are feeling very frightened. They must sense that you, their one anchor, is also at sea and not in control. Either creating a strategy such as PPH suggests which gives a strong message - "we are here, I say we stay and we make a good fist of it, this is what we do" or "I know you are unhappy, I know why and don't blame you, and this is my plan for our exit strategy".

It must be incredibly tough, having your condition and now being away from your Mum. Sorry - tell DH that having taken you out of reach of your Mum he now has to be available and not swanning round Cyprus with a whistle in his mouth.

I think it is INCREDIBLY difficult being a forces wife, you have to deal with so many more stresses than everyone else. I couldn't do all that moving every couple of years, and re-settling, and trying to make friends, and making friends only for THEM to move, and finding schools, and keeping the kids sorted out, and on top of it all having DH posted abroad, away from the family and probably in danger, for months on end. No civilian has to do ANY of those things and you do them all.

I take my hat off to you all, I really admire you. I hope you acknowledge to yourselves how much you do and cope with, because I think it is important that you don't think you are "crap" because you find it difficult - it IS incredibly difficult.

Have had DS1 up since 5am, crying not wanting to go to school. No specific reason, just doesn't want to go. When i said I had to go to work or they would sack me (see my thread in employemnt) he said "well at least you wold be home all day". He has also been crying because dad hasn't called. now I don't know what the set up is for the rugby, DH didn't even know where they were staying. God knows what he is going to do from Sunday till Wednesday, as the rugby finishes on Sunday and his flight back isn't until Wednesday, he just said "Oh they will find me a room in the mess".

DH has always been rugby daft. He was going to give up playing in 1998 when DS1 was born. he went off to the RAF cup or similar 4 days after he was born, quoting "This is the most important thing that will ever happen to me" and left me with his mum!
He eventually gave up playing in 2002. Then started being a ref. It wasn't so bad in Scotland as most games were quite local,, so we would go with him, or he would be home at a reasonable time. Down here though he has had several games in Guernsey,on a Saturday then another one miles away on a Sunday. I know the season is almost over, and he will say that "oh well I have no more games now till August"
He does it to keep fit, his dad is really fat (and I am talking grossly obese, makes me sick to look at him) and 2 of his uncles are, it seems to be genetic, DH has the potential to be the same, and he worries about this.

He is shore based, he's in the RAF. hell he isn't even "air based".
Whenever I say "oh the boys are worrying me, they aren't settled" he says that he moved 4 times in 6 years. Well yes he did, but only 10 miles down the road from the last place!
He always manage to make me feel like it's my fault - I mollycoddle the DSes, I let them away with things (which is true to a degree mainly because I don't have the physical strength to stop them),etc etc. I'm just so tired of it all. I want to go to bed and sleep for a week

saltire, my brother was in the forces and I know how tough my SIL found all the moving and how difficult it was for the children.

Would you be completely penniless if you gave up work? I really feel that the boys need you so much right now that, unless work keeps you out of abject poverty, I would give it up. Maybe you could claim some benefits - WTC or CTC or something?

I think PPH is right - this goes against the grain with me as I would normally never suggest giving up work or home-schooling - but my boys are a similar age to yours and it sounds like ds1 needs to be physically with you.

BTW, I think your dh is being an arse. My dh was a keen hockey player but after ds2 was born I made him give it up. Your dh should be putting his children before bl~~dy rugby!