I need some wise opinions here. This is going to be long, sorry

[saltire]

Some of you may recall we ahd a few problems with DS1's behaviour a while ago. Thankfully it has settled down. However, since the Easter holidays he has been getting night terrors, always at the same time, sometimes awake, sometimes not. He has also been getting incredibly upset about going to school, verging on the hysterical. he keeps telling me things that have happened at school.
Anyway, the parental support woman had a word with both DSes (we were ahivng problems with Ds2 as well) She said that Ds1 had told her on a scale of 1-10, 10 being happy, that school was a 2,a dn home was a 8. He told her that he doesn't like school, doesn't like living here, and gets very frustrated because he struggles with the work. he won't tell the teachers when someone upsets him becasue he is worried aobut repercussions

DS2 told her much the same and that he worries when his dad is away (like now), and things in a similar vein

However, they both then told their headteacher the exact opposite. They told her they liked school had no problems with teh work etcExcept for 1 thing, they both told her they didn't like living here, that they blamed dad for brining them here, that they felt neglected because he seemed to prefer rugby to spending time with them, etc.
They are also both really upset because DH ahsn't called them from Cyprus (where he is for the rugby) and DS1 is convinced that the plane has crashed and no one has told him.
Do I tell DH that's how they feel though? I know what he will say, that I am making him feel guilty, that I don't like him refereeing rugby and this is an excuse to get him to stop, that I hate it here and am depressed because of it and I have told the DSes to say it, that he moved school when he was young and he was ok.

Saltire, this is a terrible situation to be in, I realy feel for you, DP is in the navy and I have been so lucky that he has only had short deployments but I hate him not being here it is so hard and DS is only little. We have no family near by either.

YOu really need to tell him how you and the boys feel it is only fair that he knows how difficult you all find it.

I am in hampshire too, so if you fancy and friendly face I am happy to meet up. I don't bite.

Eve

yes that's me, yes he is still wanting to get out, JPa says he can put him notice in 21st July, but that isn't correct as he hasn't done the 9? years he needs to do til Jan 09. I have stop asking about it now, we are just waiting to see what happens. He like to surprise me with these things like when he changed from subs to ships....he came home one day and it was done. Men hey.

Saltire, which school do the dcs go to? When we moved from Dartmouth to Hampshire I went to Ranvilles, and it took me a while to settle in (we are talking very last century though!).

I know that the dhs having hobbies (obsessions) can be really difficult. My dh was initially obsessed with sailing, culminating with him getting on a yacht to go to Guernsey and leaving me with another yacht and 3 POs to sort out, and once he decided he was too old to sail, the current obsession is gliding. Not a problem when we are in Cornwall and the club is 15 minutes away, but as we are currently in Belgium, the club is 1.5 hours away, and there is nothing for ds (12) to do whilst his Dad wafts above us. I think his obsession with submarines was preferable, at least it was work and paid! It also didn't cost us anything unlike the glider (I get my revenge in footwear and books though!)

What I do when my dh sods off again on an exped or weekend, is to make sure I do something really nice with ds, so we build in the cinema, or a movie night at home, eat what we like etc. I have learned over 22 years that dh is not going to change, so I just have to make the best of it, and enjoy the time he isn't here. My mum had the same problem as my Dad was heavily involved in RN refereeing for football and also did combination league matches, so left mum with db and myself most Saturdays.

It is so frustrating that they can't see what a PITA they are, and dh is the same, he'll ring me when he's away, but has to be told to talk to ds. I think it's something about Forces men, families come well down the pecking order when it's something they want to do. This is why I didn't move until now.. so I had my own interests and friends, and made it obvious that I wasn't going to join in the gliding or whatever else it was, as I had my own fish to fry.

If he hasn't got long to go in the RAF, then move back to Scotland and weekend. We weekended (sort of) from Brussels to Cornwall and it worked, so it is do-able. The boys would be settled, dh could referee to his hearts content during the week, and come home at weekends, and everyone wins. He may also realise then what you guys mean to him, and take a long hard look at himself. Mind you, the refereeing may be useful for when he retires - gets him out of the way sometimes!

Sorry for the ramble, and good luck. I know it's tough, we are a special breed to put up with Forces men!!

Quick hijack - Lapin, saw the list yesterday, are congratulations in order?

dbs dis was a bit gruntled when I called him to say I was sorry that he didn't get it this morning. It's all moving right though - dh got it at 38, it now seems to be 40+, so db might get it next year.

I'm just posting to say that I went through something similar two years ago when our first child was born. My husband (Army) was posted to PJHQ (and you all know how competitive/driven that environment is!) after Staff College and we thought that I'd be better off back home in Scotland with my parents over the birth. I have a complicated medical/obstetric history which a lack of continuity of care due to frequent moves has only made worse.

Anyway, things weren't as straightforward with the end of that pregnancy and my husband had a knee-kerk reaction and panic to the whole thing and suggested that we buy a house near my parents and that we settle in Scotland. Two days before the baby arrived we viewed a house, made and offer the next day and, while I was in the operating theatre, my husband was on the phone finalising all the details.

It's been the best thing we've ever done.

I'm not denying that it's difficult - it's hard weekly commuting but the hours that my husband works mean that he'd barely see me through the week anyway. He moved to company command in Scotland but will (probably) move back down south for his next staff appointment.

Like your husband, he's Rugby daft and he's completely committed to his career so this has seemed like the best solution. I've had excellent medical care under my old family doctor, our son is flourishing and has a wonderful relationship with my family (there are quite a few children his age running around - my cousins have all been very busy!) and baby number two is on the way. At the weekends, he spends time alone with his Dad - swimming and going to adventure playgrounds and the library and they both love it.

Seriously, can you sit down with your husband and convince him that a settled life for you and the children will result in you being happier and, therefore, in your marriage being happier? The children might blame their Dad less if they had other family around to give them the stability you say they need. You would have support from friends and family and continuity of medical care.

I was quite happy moving around with my husband pre-kids but being settled at this point in our family life has been the reight decision. I'm not ruling out a move back to MQs later on - who knows what will happen in the future - but for now it works for us.

I just wanted to say that I understand your position (as I'm sure any Service wife does). There have all been postings we've not enjoyed and times when we wish our husbands would just quit and do a 'normal' job.

I agree with you jscot. Mine did PJHQ before being a DS at staff college, so we did 4 years weekending, and Cornwall is a bugger to get to.

I moved to Brussels nearly 2 years ago, and it's the first time I've lived in MQs since I was 7. I would not have moved if it was going to be a reactive job again, as I found being in my own place with job kept me sane and able to cope with him being away. Twas nice when he got home, life carried on if he didn't.

Saltire my hubby is in the RAF and we were in Hampshire (as I have previously said!) Didn't think you are where we were though as you said the head of the school is a lady and it was a man when we were there. I wonder if you are in North Hampshire?
Let me know if you are - I found the junior school very good when we had probs with DS1.
I hope today has been better for you and your DS's and I hope your DH rings you soon.
((((((((((((((Big Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't think this'll be any help but my dad was in the navy and I went to about 8 or 9 different primary schools & i don't think it did me any harm - in fact I now find it much easier to make friends when I move, your ds might yet adapt.

Scaryteacher, I went to Ranvilles too!!

Ooh- when were you there? I was there 1975-77, taught by Mr Watts and Miss French. Mr Sherwin did times tables and spelling tests on a Friday morning and terrified us. I've never forgotten how to spell chronological or what it means either!

Sorry saltire for hijacking...

scaryteacher, I was there a bit later , 1979-1984 and can't remember any of the teachers, not a one, that's a lie actually, have just remembered Mrs Cuff & Mr Privett..

Did you go to Bishopsfield afterwards?

Saltire, all you can do is talk to your dh and tell him how this feels for you and the dcs. At least then you've said your piece, and he can't deny having heard it. If nothing else, he needs to take account of the effect it has on your dcs.

Weekending from Scotland isn't impossible, perhaps you need to try it and see, especially if you hate Hampshire.