Finding with friendships with other mums hard

[Flossy8397]

Before I had children I think my expectations were too high and I thought it would be easy to make other mum friends and that everyone would be kind and open as we’re united by motherhood. Unfortunately it hasn’t worked out that way, and while I have met 2 or 3 mum friends they’ve been in unexpected places, not NCT or the school gates. I found both quite cliquey and catty unfortunately. The school mums can be quite mean and I know there is a separate WhatsApp group where a big clique of them organise nights out and play dates which I then I see splashed all over social media, but me and DD don’t get invited to those. Then when I see them at the school gates they all stand in a group with their backs turned. It doesn’t usually bother me that much, but there’s a quiz parent social next month organised by the PTA so I thought I’d try again. I put a message out on my other child’s group chat asking if anyone wanted to form a group and go together but no one replied. It just seems so sad and a bit cold? I wasn’t expecting this from other parents. Anyone has similar experiences?

That does sound tough. I think it’s a complete lottery if you meet your people at a school gate. Parent age range could be 25-45, dif interests, backgrounds, jobs, confident, shy etc

Maybe you don’t have much in common with the ones you’ve met yet but keep looking!

That sounds tough. No suggestions but can relate. I did have school gate conversations and was included into a WhatsApp group, but realised quickly that everyone in the group bar a couple of us were in another group where all the meet ups etc were organised. On one occasion they posted the most recent meet up photos on the wrong group. I tried and had play dates at mine etc, but it forever felt like I was knocking on a closed door. If one talked at the school gate they seemed to be looking past me for someone else to talk to. In the end I accepted they weren’t for me and vice versa and gave up trying. It was easier when kids were old enough not to need picking up from the gate. It still hurts thinking about it though. Their clique was massively diluted in secondary. I find work environments much easier for making friends - friendships not affected by who your kids befriend.

They are not your people. I know of people who have been ostracised from certain groups and it's because they are not liked for one reason or another. It is often something small and might just take one person being bitchy for them all to turn against that person. Maybe try to find connection with individuals rather than trying to be part of a group.

The school mums can be quite mean and I know there is a separate WhatsApp group where a big clique of them organise nights out and play dates which I then I see splashed all over social media, but me and DD don’t get invited to those.

Women (yes, even mothers) are allowed to form friendship groups without being accused of being in a 'clique'

Given the way you feel about them, do you think this might form part of the reason they're not particularly rushing to be your friend?

Friendships take time as well as effort.

You can't just give birth and think that means everyone else whose done the same, will automatically want to build a friendship.

Take it slowly, stop judging other women for their friendship groups and maybe you'll have more success.

Maybe focus on others who aren't in the group?

People in groups like this can feel more included and special when they exclude others, because it proves they're 'special' and 'chosen'. It speaks to their insecurities sadly. I'm sure it won't be all sunshine and roses in the group either. Find your people outside of them.

I think people who are hyper focused on ‘making friends’ scare potential friends away.

It takes time to build a connection and just because a group of 20 women had a child the same time as you doesn’t mean you’ll have something in common. ‘Cliques’ are usually women who know each other previously but have kids in the same school/class, maybe they’ve lived in the same area their whole lives and have grown up together.

Just relax, speak to people organically as the opportunity arises, people sense desperation and it’s off putting!

I’m always fascinated by these types of threads when friendship groups are dubbed ‘cliques’ and the OP seems to be under the impression that they are entitled to be part of a group of friends (that might already be close due to older children/shared hobbies etc) just because they happened to have children at the same time.
Also the perceived slights like claiming they have their backs turned to everyone, could it be that they are just in a circle chatting to their friends and aren’t really registering other parents?

As for ‘I wasn’t expecting this from other parents’ you do know that parents are just regular people who don’t turn into a smiling welcoming cult just because they have had a child right?

Yes I am aware of that thank you but thought a bit of kindness and decorum wouldn’t go amisss.

I’m not desperate thanks

er - they’re the ones being exclusive and organising big events behind other people’s backs so how exactly am I judging people?

Thank you xx

Thank you I appreciate it xx

Thank you xx

Just because women have children doesn’t mean they will have anything else in common.

try volunteering or get a hobby. You are more likely to meet people with similar interests or values that way.

what you call a clique is a friendship group and they don’t need to include others.

Yeah same here.

I used to go to a local baby group - met maybe 70 mums? Spoke to maybe 10 on a regular basis at these groups, but most were never seen again. Got contact details from 4, went out a few times to soft play, the park or shopping etc.

Of those 4:

• 1 I saw weekly while we were off work on the same day, now I don't hear from her more than once a month. We had a nice but surface level friendship.
• 1 I met up with 3 times and we quickly ran out of things to talk about each time and it was awkward.
• 1 was more interested in taking photos and posting to Instagram than having a conversation with me, plus we had very different parenting ideas so we never met up again. Like please don't take a photo of me as I'm shoving a chicken wrap into my mouth, thanks.
• 1 was super keen to meet up but cancelled at the 11th hour for various reasons. After the 3rd time this happened I told her to let me know if she wanted to meet up when she returned from her holiday, and she never replied after sending "yes will do!" 🤷‍♀️

I see women with babies together all the time and reeeeally want to ask them if they were friends before babies or after.

It's exhausting.

I mean your OP suggests otherwise, you’ve posted for advice so why be spikey with the responses 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's all very tantrum like isn't it?

And I'm not quite sure how a group of friends can organise things 'behind people's backs'.

They're just a group of friends, organising their social lives.

What do you mean by decorum - is there some kind of etiquette the school mums should be following that means they are not free to choose their own friends? Should this be another societal expectation of women - as if we didn't have enough on our plates! OP if the school mums are all so mean, maybe make friends with some of the dads?

Ah yeah thanks sounds very similar. It’s horrible when a big group organise events and don’t include everyone, I would just never behave that way I can’t understand such catty behaviour. I guess it makes them feel more secure in themselves. I’m sorry you had a similar experience but it makes me feel slightly better just to know I’m not alone! Xx

Yep there are definitely one or two queen bees who decide who to leave out and the rest just go along with it

I read about these wattsapp groups and think thank god they didn’t exist when I was doing the school run. I couldn’t cope! It’s like highschool all over again, everyone trying to be included, people feeling less-than and othered.

All I can say is, they won’t last - when the kids get to highschool and want nothing to do with their lame primary friends anymore, the parent friend groups all separate off too.

Concentrate on real friends. Watch Motherland as it takes the piss out of the whole queen bee situation and shows how ridiculous it all is!

Aaah haha yeah it is exhausting. For some reason it just seems such hard work making mum friends, and I do find the school gates very cliquey. I could probably elbow my way in if I really wanted to but what with juggling work / family / other long term friends I just can’t be bothered! I does seem sad though, and I’m not sure why… maybe because I had a fantasy in my head of making friends for life bonding over having had children?

Aw haha this really cheered me up :) it does feel like being back in year 9 sometimes! Definitely a couple of “Amanda’s” in the playgound but helps me to laugh about it. Also nice to hear from a parent of teens whose been through it and now on the other side…thank you xx

I know the feeling OP. My DD is in secondary and I was a young mum and found that most mums were 15-20+ years older than me, and naturally because I was at a different life stage to them it was very hard for me to “fit in” - I was sad for my DD as she was an inky child for a while and I could see that other people from her class were getting closer because their parents hang out outside school, and I felt bad that I couldn’t provide that for her in the same way. I did go in a few play dates, attended a bunch of kids birthdays over the years. Went over to their houses for tea, organised days out - but my relationship with many of my mum friends are very superficial- in the sense that all we talk about are the kids and school.

Sometimes cliques are formed because that group have the same desires as eachother.

I just focused on making friends for myself - and my DD made friends at school and I’d always make the effort to make sure that she mingles with them outside of it. But I have a pretty active life and meet people in so many places - the older I’ve become, the more parents I’ve met and I now have a good mix of friends - a few mum friends - but we bind over interests as opposed to kids and our relationship isn’t superficial.

Try bumble bff or peanut?