DD just won't eat and it's stressing me out

[Lifeistestingme]

I've already posted here before about my very fussy DD. She's 13 months now and I'm STILL struggling. So far the advice has been.. well.. useless tbh. She won't simply "eat what I'm eating". She barely eats at all.

She only eats a few select foods. Here's a typical day of eating (it's shockingly bad!)

Breakfast: half a jar of porridge mixed with prune or pear puree (she doesn't like homemade) and a pudding (sainsburys own brand) and maybe a few Ella's kitchen puffs (She LOVES those more than life itself)
Lunch: squash and chicken (from a jar, Hipp organic) Or Heinz beef and sweet potato. Quite small portion size along with an oat bar (sainsburys own brand again) and some puffs
Dinner: a pudding, some fruit puree (usually prune or apple and pear), another oaty bar and maybe some more puffs.

Her food routine doesn't change that much other than when I try her on new things. I got her to eat a couple of pretzels but I wanted to limit those because of the salt. I've tried her on toast, pasta, eggs, potatoes, chopped up veg, lots of things, more than once, and she turns her head and cries. Starts gagging etc. She gagged earlier eating a tiny bit of potato and a little bit of salmon and then spent ages crying until I gave her some puffs. What do I do??? Any advice on how to get her to eat more variety? Or maybe just a hand hold because I feel like a crap mum some days because I know her diet is terrible :( but what can I do if she refuses? Not much..

I really would stop with so much processed packaged food. Phase it out during a few days if you need to.
you don’t need to give her that stuff just to ensure she eats, she’s now been trained to think that’s food rather than real food.
My toddler was the same, would prefer packaged stuff. I just wouldn’t let her have it for every meal (one packaged snack a day) and she realised she had to eat real food or nothing

Pasta was a big no no, but I admit I only tried that one twice. She gagged quite a lot and it scared me. But I will try it again, maybe once I've tried her on a few other things first. That's a good tip, though, to offer it alongside things she likes

I was petrified weaning my DD and worried about things like salt etc then one day the HV came round, listened to how difficult i found it and said give her a ham sandwich buttered and some wotsits, never did my kids any harm. Until that moment it would have never crossed my mind, i'd have thought it unhealthy. But i did and it gave me the confidence to try more things.

It sounds like she likes blended foods, have you tried blending up your food for her to try? Something like spaghetti bolognese? I used to buy baby pasta stars from boots - good with a sweet tomato sauce?

Also if it makes you feel better - my DD was amazing weaning she tried everything we did a mix of baby led weaning and jars / pouches / home made blended and now her diet is horrendous. barely eats anything.

She doesn't want to eat real food because you're only offering ultra-processed options.

From your comment, it seems that her "pickiness" isn't the only issue here. It looks like you're hesitant to offer real food — you tried pasta, she gagged, and now you're afraid to try again, resorting to packaged food. Gagging is a normal part of weaning, and while it can be scary, your fear shouldn't stop you from offering nutritious food.

It's also important to remember that it's okay if babies or children skip meals. In the past, mothers wouldn't worry if their child skipped lunch — they’d offer the same meal again at dinner. Nowadays, parents often fill kids up with puffs and biscuits and then wonder why they don't want broccoli at dinner.

You need to remove the ultra-processed meals and start cooking from scratch. Once your child eats a variety of fruits, vegetables, and grains, you'll be able to create different meal combinations. For snacks, try offering fresh fruit, plain yogurt, and breadsticks.

Is she having a bottle of milk in the morning before breakfast? What about cutting down the milk at that time so she's hungrier and more likely to want to eat. If she's not hungry because of the milk then she can afford to be very picky about what she'll eat.

She’s gagging when she eats food. This isn’t just waiting for her favourite foods. You can’t just starve a child with food issues into eating. It doesn’t work, they will not eat.

@Lifeistestingme I’d ask for a dietician referral. In the meantime, focus on what she will eat and give her more of those foods. If she will drink smoothies, invest in a decent smoothie maker and experiment with tastes. You can use frozen or tinned fruit and veg. That way she is getting more nutrients. I can see why you go for the pre-made options as they are very smooth and much easier to eat, but don’t be fooled into thinking the organic ones are better. Anything labelled as organic is unfortified. Non organic brands are allowed to add back in some of the nutrients lost in production, organic ones are not. The non organic ones still aren’t great, and making your own will provide more nutrition. We used the jars for convenience when we were out, saved the empties and filled with our own purées. You can freeze a big batch.

The other option is soups. Lentil soup is great, you can puree it down to smooth to help her eat. All it takes is a bag of frozen mixed veg, bung in some lentils and a low salt stock cube, boil it til the veg is proper soft then blitz it with a blender. Again, you can freeze it for convenience.

But it’s really important you see a dietician so they can advise on potential food issues.

Its so hard when you are in the middle of this my healthy, gym focused 20yo son was like this literally ate about 8 things on rotation. Advice was he will eat when he is hungry (he didn’t)!!
In the end I fed him what he wanted plus full fat milk - he also would tolerate strawberry nesquick in his milk for some variety. I also added new things onto a separate plate so he could look at it/ taste it if he wanted- sometimes he did, sometimes he didn’t.
You are not a bad mum let go of that thought and carry on getting anything you can in your DC. My son gradually got better but it took time - and he sort of had a moment at 17 when he started to eat most things - he still won’t touch chicken or pasta or bolognese type dinners etc.. all I am saying is do what you need to do right now it will change/ get better xx

Would she eat chicken and squash if you made it and mushed/blended it, since it would be similar to the jar that she likes? You could also start to add healthy bits to it gradually? Would she eat sweet potato?

I have two fussy eaters and my youngest also gagged and threw up most foods when she just turned 1 and would only eat toast (which she would mostly throw up). Firstly, cut out the morning milk and go straight to breakfast. Don’t stress if they don’t eat their meal or even touch it. The vast majority of children will eat when they are hungry and a day or so without eating will not harm them at all.

I echo the other posters that say to get rid of the pouches and jars (and even the puffs) and just give her some of your food at every meal. I would do I combo of baby led weaning/maybe partially blending some of your adult meals for them. I wouldn’t stress too much about salt, unless you usually go to town with it. My daughter only really showed an interest in food outside of toast when she tried some extremely salty gammon and devoured it (she’s nearly 2 now and still a little carnivore)

With both kids they honestly only really improved once we went cold turkey on the bottles (sorry) and we did that between 18 months and 2. Both kids (3 and nearly 2) are pretty good eaters these days but I remember the stress of trying to get my eldest to eat!

Things I tried that were a hit were tuna croquettes (tuna, mayo, mashed potato, broccoli and carrot rolled into batons and covered in panko breadcrumbs), homemade Yorkshire puddings, mushroom soup (they loved being taught “dip dip” with toast) and handfuls of grated cheese. Pasta is a really good one as well and I would try to persevere with different pasta dishes for your little one. Try not to worry about the gagging, it will get better as they get exposed to more and more food.

Has she been assessed for tongue tie? A lot of the gagging and getting tired of eating would fit with this. It is hard getting a proper assessment though. (Don't assume she was clear at birth as midwives are not routinely trained on tongue tie assessment but will sometimes say yes/no when asked without training).

It's a bit of a contested topic as the UK perspective is that children grow out of it in most cases but I think if you're noticing issues like this then it's worth exploring if there's anything you can do about it. Surgery isn't the only answer as there's exercises to teach the tongue how to move properly etc.
Here's an American article you can use as a starting point but do make up your own mind.
https://www.sctonguetie.com/blog/what-are-the-signs-of-tongue-ties-in-toddlers/

Oh and as they get a bit older let them help you in the kitchen. Mine love to crack eggs, pour milk, break pasta, mix stuff together. You don’t need to buy a fancy toddler tower. A chair will do (or mine now just clamber on the worktop)

My eldest also took a huge interest in eating vegetables when he was old enough to help in his preschool mini allotment and could pull up his own carrots.

DS was really similar. My go to recipe (since you asked for suggestions) is banana oat pancakes. Take one egg, one banana (old brown ones work best and gets them out of the fruit bowl) and 2-3 tablespoons of oats. Blend and fry in a little oil. DS could eat with his hands when young and it’s easy to cut when learning how to use cutlery later. I felt good knowing he was getting protein, some egg and some fiber.

I had a few DCs whose diet was more limited than your DC's is.

One ate nothing but plain Cheerios for months and really only started eating green foods at age 20ish (not 20 months, 20 and in university). Eats a reasonably varied diet now. Still won't eat fruit though.

One refused rice and still won't eat it. Lived on toast and scrambled eggs for four years as a toddler and small child. Moved on to jam sandwiches. Would only eat one specific shape of pasta. Would not eat any veg and still not keen. Now late 20s.

Another ate mashed potatoes and baby porridge for a few years, no veg, no fruit, and only ham for meat. Moved on to macaroni cheese. Ate a salami sandwich daily for lunch in school from age 5 to 17. Still has a very limited diet. Won't eat veg, fish, beans, scrambled or fried eggs. Likes curried chicken, chili, roast meats, French toast, salami, and macaroni cheese now (early 20s).

It is heartbreaking.

And on top of that, my DCs had CMPA.

It's so stressful.
I felt a bit better after reading a study referenced in Ultra-processed people in which babies were given little dishes of a wide variety of things for every meal and left to choose. They found that often babies would go through fads, like only eating bananas for a week, and then suddenly stop eating it and move on to something else.

I tried it and it did take some pressure off, especially dinner where dc would mostly refuse to eat what I was eating.

I'd use Gu pots and put out, say, 10 things, chosen to be either super quick to prepare or what I was cooking for myself anyway. Eg cucumber, carrot, grapes, raspberries, ham, cheddar, rice/pasta/potato depending on on what I was eating for dinner myself, toast with pate/peanut butter, tuna, meatball, spinach leaves, Greek yoghurt and honey.

Anything rejected I just ate myself the next day for breakfast or lunch.

My middle DC had a strong gag reflex and drove me batshit as a toddler. Even as a teen it was a constant uphill battle to cook one meal for everyone. Now she's an adult she eats anything and everything though it's a standing family joke that she still won't eat yogurts with "bits" in. Don't show her you're worried or upset. Put food in front of her, cull all the processed stuff and just calmly take the plate away if she hasn't touched it. She's training you well already to give in to her, hence you're giving her addictive UPF's. It's so hard but don't give in. A child drinking milk won't starve.

Hey OP
have you tried mashed avocado mixed with Greek yoghurt? My son is same age and I’ve had the same problem, but he absolutely loves this, have tried to avoid processed but occasionally offer a prune purée for dessert. Also scrambled eggs with cottage cheese mixed in is a good one and lots of protein. Mashed strawberries & banana in yoghurt and PB on toast. I e had to stick with relatively smooth textures as my little one has sensitive gag reflex

I have a 13 month old and weaning has been really stressful too. He has a super strong gag reflex. I tried BLW as he's my second and figured would be much easier but he gagged more and more and tbh I think he was a bit traumatised and developed a feeding aversion.
He also refused to be spoon fed for ages but couldn't actually manage solid food so his intake was negligible and he vomited most meal times until about 10.5/11 months old due to gagging even on appropriate textures and sizes.
He is doing better now, accepts spooned food mostly, teeth have helped, but he can't eat meat without it being blended except flakey fish but not much actually gets ingested.
Nursery has helped with food acceptance and variety, gotta love peer pressure haha.
We do blended lunch and different picky bits at teatime so less stressful.
I have found fresh tagliatelle cut into 5-8cm lengths seem to go down well.
Also things like courgette fritters and banana bread to attempt being healthier.

How are you and DD getting on, @Lifeistestingme ?

Have you tried giving her breakfast before her milk? It's probably filling her up.