DD just won't eat and it's stressing me out

[Lifeistestingme]

I've already posted here before about my very fussy DD. She's 13 months now and I'm STILL struggling. So far the advice has been.. well.. useless tbh. She won't simply "eat what I'm eating". She barely eats at all.

She only eats a few select foods. Here's a typical day of eating (it's shockingly bad!)

Breakfast: half a jar of porridge mixed with prune or pear puree (she doesn't like homemade) and a pudding (sainsburys own brand) and maybe a few Ella's kitchen puffs (She LOVES those more than life itself)
Lunch: squash and chicken (from a jar, Hipp organic) Or Heinz beef and sweet potato. Quite small portion size along with an oat bar (sainsburys own brand again) and some puffs
Dinner: a pudding, some fruit puree (usually prune or apple and pear), another oaty bar and maybe some more puffs.

Her food routine doesn't change that much other than when I try her on new things. I got her to eat a couple of pretzels but I wanted to limit those because of the salt. I've tried her on toast, pasta, eggs, potatoes, chopped up veg, lots of things, more than once, and she turns her head and cries. Starts gagging etc. She gagged earlier eating a tiny bit of potato and a little bit of salmon and then spent ages crying until I gave her some puffs. What do I do??? Any advice on how to get her to eat more variety? Or maybe just a hand hold because I feel like a crap mum some days because I know her diet is terrible :( but what can I do if she refuses? Not much..

I could have written your post myself when mine was that age. Before 1 he ate everything I put in front of him and after he turned 1 he all of a sudden just wouldn't eat most things. It's so bloody scary when you can't seem to find something they'll eat. He's 2 and a half now and still is so fussy about what he'll eat😭 I got to a point where I just decided that I didn't care what anyone else thought of his diet, it became all about getting calories in in any way I could. He used to eat all meats before but now the only meat he'll eat is sausage rolls. Won't touch a proper sausage but he'll devour sausage rolls so I let him have as much as he wants of them because otherwise his protein intake would be non existent. Still won't eat bread and Even if he would he won't touch anything that you'd be able to put on a sandwich so he eats a lot of Ritz crackers and brioche instead. Thankfully after refusing all salads and fruit I've finally got him eating apples, grapes and pears and honestly it took soooo long to get him taking them that I dread to think how much money was spent on wasted fruit. Also finally got him eating cucumber and bell peppers which Im ridiculously grateful for 😂 just showing you that constant perseverance and not worrying too much about how healthy it is really takes the stress off. Maybe get her checked out by GP for any issues with her tongue/mouth incase there's an issue there that's creating the gagging problem. Solidarity OP, it's really hard but she will get there eventually 😊

My daughter was like this, except she didn't really eat anything at all. I laugh about it now but it really worried me. What worked in the end (rather boringly- not a quick fix) was just literal relentless persistence. I'd put foods on her plate every day, she'd not eat them. I'd put them out again the next day, she'd not eat them. It look about 6 months until she started to eat Peppers...but one day she just picked them up and started munching. Same with most other things she will now happily eat. It took a long time, but it worked. As long as there is at least one or two things she likes on her plate at every meal, (and plenty of milk) she isn't going to allow herself to starve.

My daughter would only eat hipp organic spaghetti Bolognese - was a nightmare. We did find it easier to provide a plate of options that she could nibble on - carrots, breadsticks, shredded chicken breast and chopped up pasta as an example. Slowly over time she would eat and I slowly mixed up/added to the plate such as cheese and chopped up lamb. I threw away lots of untouched food!

She is now 22 and still very picky, resistant on trying new foods. She will eat something for a while and suddenly change her mind for seemingly the most stupid reason - it’s gone soggy or it had a funny smell. But she is healthy and happy!

@Hoppinggreen can I just ask, at what point is it considered arfid not just fussy eating because alot of what you described is exactly how my DS is and he also would starve himself rather than eat something if it's not one of his safe foods.

Did she ever eat better/more variety/more solid foods OP? I only ask because I went to a BLW class locally when I was about to start weaning my daughter and one of the things they said is that it’s best to offer “big” foods early on, not because they eat it all but because it gives them the opportunity to learn how to map their mouths, they suggested large strawberries or a well cooked piece of steak being good for this which is what I introduced at 6 months. If she’s never had these big items then she’s never had the chance to learn how to map her mouth to eat things & if she’s never had solid food then she’s never had the chance to practice chewing & swallowing which is why she is now gagging.

Regarding the diet itself though, everything being offered is sweet and so she’s only going to want those things, and who can blame her? I’m an adult and still prefer chocolate to broccoli! You need to offer a balanced plate so offer a safe food with others but you also need to stand firm on it, when she is hungry and realises she’s not going to get anymore puffs/puree she will be more open to trying something else on the plate.

I think you would need a Medical professional to tell you that really.
I don't think the label matters though to be honest, it was unheard of when we were going through it and it wasn't until DD was around 13/14 that it was suggested when we were seeing a Doctor for something else.
For what its worth my personal (non medical) opinion is that its when a child WILL starve themselves rather than eat something "unsafe". When DD was in Y8 she went on a school trip and I got a call about her "eating disorder". I asked what they were feeding her and apparently she was refusing the packed lunches and they couldnt be expected to make a special lunch just for her. As she had tried to explain she wasn't asking for a special lunch, just that they not put mayo on her sandwich. She would literally eat nothing for days if she had to.

My ds was the same , probably worse. Only saving grace was he loved cheddar cheese and beans so was getting some protein.
Just keep trying new things while reducing the processed stuff. Maybe make some oaty bars?
It's tough and I spent years in tears! He's now 18, 6 ft tall and still a fussy plain eater but loves a steak

Regarding the diet itself though, everything being offered is sweet and so she’s only going to want those things, and who can blame her? I’m an adult and still prefer chocolate to broccoli! You need to offer a balanced plate so offer a safe food with others but you also need to stand firm on it, when she is hungry and realises she’s not going to get anymore puffs/puree she will be more open to trying something else on the plate.

See, this is the kind of advice that works for "fussy eaters" but not a child with ARFID or similar. DD actually didn't like sweet things
I remember hearing myself say to her "you can have some more broccoli but I need you to try some chicken first"

That must have been so hard with it being unknown about. As I say my son would also starve himself if he couldn't get safe foods. Maybe a GP referral to paediatric dietician? Though we saw one before because of his Cmpa and she was pretty crap TBF. Thank you for answering my question though😊

Dont overthink it.
keep doing what you’re doing, but I would actually stop offering the puffs and just give her a small range of things on a tray; some small cooked pasta pieces, (no sauce etc) some cucumber stick, clementine pieces etc etc. She will get it just hang in there and don’t panic. If she’s not losing weight just keep going and don’t panic about what she’s not eating. The soup sounds good - keep up with that. I don’t think it matters if every other day she has soup at lunch and soup at dinner! You could add lentils and peas and some overcooked veg in small lumps. Even chicken torn up. No one goes to work at 35 and takes only liquid food and a carton of milk in because they’ve never learnt to swallow any food. It will happen! Let go of the pressure. Xx

And that’s true, but at 13 months old we don’t assume that this is a child with ARFID. There are far many more fussy babies or babies who prefer sweet/soft food because they haven’t had the chance to learn other textures and so have been allowed to expect/enjoy “safe” foods even from young, than their are young babies with ARFID.

The course we did pre-weaning focused on this in part, it’s why they recommend giving savoury foods first because the sugar even in natural things like fruit is so addictive for tiny people (as it is for us as adults) and so children can easily just go well actually, that’s what I like and I know that if I wait I’ll be offered more of that even from right at the beginning. You only have to read some of the recent research published on baby snacks/pouches/jars, it’s really not so different to giving me a McDonald’s every day and then one day putting a plate of boiled veg infront of me and expecting me to eat that, why would I? And I’m absolutely not saying that jars are the devil, I’ve used jars occasionally with my 11 month old when we’ve been short on time or out and about but they aren’t a great long term option.

My first barely ate anything at that age. What helped was going 100% cold turkey on any baby snacks, oaty bars, puffs, puddings, jars, pouches. Stick to mainly whole foods and cooked meals. They won't starve themselves, honestly (edited to add yes I know some children with disorders will but for the vast majority of very young toddlers who are fussy they will respond to consistency and being offered a variety of foods with time)

Try spag bol, fish pie, mac and cheese, sausage and mash, cottage pie, curries, pulled pork. I cooked a lot of things in a slow cooker so it was nice and soft and would shred any meat. I used to give leftovers for the lunch the next day, or have a picky lunch. Fruits, cooked veg, crackers and toast with spreads, houmous, cheese. Breakfast - pancakes, weetabix, porridge. It takes persistence and time and a neutral attitude. Also I treated snacks like mini meals with more than one food group rather than just a bar or crinkly bag. And to be honest we really minimised snacks in general which helped.

I liked What Mummy Makes/Rebecca Wilson and Charlotte Stirling-Reed books for inspiration. Also lots of instagram accounts are helpful, many already mentioned. Srnutrition, kids.eat.in.color, family snack nutritionist, many others if you start following some others will pop up on your feed.

Totally agree with this, and second that What Mummy Makes book it is amazing!

I said EXACTLY those words to DD yesterday 😁always nice to know we're not alone!

I know it's easy to say but you really need to be (and absolutely appear to be) much more relaxed about her food intake. I have 2 kids under 3 and I just put the food on the table. They eat it or they don't. It stays on the table for a while, they get down and play, come back for more and as they get older we build up to longer at the table. I don't ask them what they want, tell them what they like or don't like, ask them if they like it. It goes down 'here's your lunch'. Whole foods where possible, fruit and veg etc, limited sugar. If they say 'I don't like peas' I say 'Ok, you can eat what you like and try them again next time'.
Sometimes they eat loads, sometimes it seems like they've barely eaten for days or just picked at the bits they like. It doesn't matter.
I've just read a book (ultra processed people) and it references a study where children were given a buffet style choice of food in a controlled setting over several months. They were never encouraged to eat or told what to choose. Their bodies knew exactly what they needed and all children were healthy at the end of the experiment.
They will not starve or allow themselves to become deficient in vital nutrients if the food is available. Do not bribe, one more mouthful, this is your last chance, if you eat this you get pudding etc. Sometimes we have a pudding (birthday cake for example) and it just goes down after the main has been down a while, regardless of what they've eaten. The main stays out and they'll usually go back to it.
You're doing great.

My eldest was a terrible eater wouldn’t eat proper food until 18 months due to a terrible gag reflex.but eventually would only eat a weetabix or plain pasta with grated cheese.
I used to worry myself silly over it but the health visitor wasn’t concerned just said go with what he will eat.
He’s an adult now and still isn’t interested in a proper dinner it’s a texture thing I think

My DS was really anti eating. He once claimed he couldn't eat because his spoon was too heavy. It went on for years!

I did get very stressed about it in the beginning. It's not nice having food you've lovingly prepared roundly rejected. But I came to make peace with it. I recommend making a picnic type plate up if it continues. If it's only a little bit of each thing, that seems to make it more palatable.

If I could give you any advice, it's try to go with the flow. I do know how upsetting it is on so many levels, but it'll all work out fine, honestly.

I think your expectations of how much she should eat are too high. At 13 months, it's literally teaspoons that they need.

At that age, I would offer DD food that I wanted her to eat and she could eat it or not eat it. Breastmilk was still a big source of nutrition for her at that age so she wasn't going to starve.

My son was a bit like this, he didn't like eating and didn't enjoy food much at all until he was at least 2, and much more progress by 3.
You need to find a couple of safe foods she will eat and then offer those on the plate with everything else you're eating. She'll eventually start trying more.
I cried and cried about what my son ate, or didn't eat but he's absolutely fine. I think we over estimate what they actually need and she will take what she needs to get by if its on offer.

Try to limit food that comes out of a jar / packet.

I only offer my two whatever we are having (minus the salt and any hot spices).

Sometimes they, eat it, sometimes they refuse it.

I know it is so easy to give in and give them something you know they will eat like puffs or pudding from a jar.

However that just reinforces that there is a 'nicer' alternative available if they refuse what they don't like.

Also, I am sorry if I come across as harsh, but I was in the same place as you, my 15 month old was refusing foods and sticking to certain things.

What I did was only offer puffs and toddler biscuits once in a while when we were outside so she understood it was only a treat to have on the go.

Keep offering healthy foods cooked in different forms, for instance potatoes as dauphinois, baked, home fried chips, mash with hidden veg, hash browns mixed with eggs etc.

It will take a while; perseverance is key here x

You need to throw away all that processed food and never buy it in again. I know you don’t think it right now but it really is as simple as that. She’s a baby, she has no idea what these things are. If you don’t have them in your house they will be forgotten about in a matter of days. Do it now while she doesn’t know any better.

She won’t starve. Feed her proper food and force yourself not to be bothered if she throws it on the floor. She will not starve.

I think something happens at that age that makes them become incredibly fussy. Both nine were like that. Very limited diets and eating tiny amounts. I took them to the doctor but he said as long as they're growing and are energetic, they don't worry. If they're lethargic and stop growing it's called failure to thrive.
Well both of mine were growing well and full of energy so I tried not to worry, despite the fact they were living on thin air.
DD is now 14 abd about 5ft 10. She's eats really well and loves nearly all foods.

I would stop buying the bars puds and puffs. She shouldn't really be having bars and puds at 13 months anyway and the puffs aren't great. Trial and error with small amounts of other foods. She won't starve. She may refuse to eat much for a few days but don't let her fill up on fruit. It seems like she has a sweet tooth. Offer veg and finely cut up meat/ rice/ pasta. She'll adjust.

Just a little update.. DD ate some toast today! It didn't all go on the floor! And she actually turned her nose up at fhe jar of beef and sweet potato in favour of the toast. I was in shock! It was just white bread toasted with butter but it's still a win

What about soft pasta?

I remember watching The Three Day Nanny and it stuck in my head that children need to be exposed to new foods 7 times before they'll start to eat them. So if the only fruit theyll eat is apples,for example, just put down some strawberries within reach consistently. They'll go from ignoring to touching to tasting to biting etc.

Apologies if you've tried this I confess I've not read every post in detail!