DD just won't eat and it's stressing me out

[Lifeistestingme]

I've already posted here before about my very fussy DD. She's 13 months now and I'm STILL struggling. So far the advice has been.. well.. useless tbh. She won't simply "eat what I'm eating". She barely eats at all.

She only eats a few select foods. Here's a typical day of eating (it's shockingly bad!)

Breakfast: half a jar of porridge mixed with prune or pear puree (she doesn't like homemade) and a pudding (sainsburys own brand) and maybe a few Ella's kitchen puffs (She LOVES those more than life itself)
Lunch: squash and chicken (from a jar, Hipp organic) Or Heinz beef and sweet potato. Quite small portion size along with an oat bar (sainsburys own brand again) and some puffs
Dinner: a pudding, some fruit puree (usually prune or apple and pear), another oaty bar and maybe some more puffs.

Her food routine doesn't change that much other than when I try her on new things. I got her to eat a couple of pretzels but I wanted to limit those because of the salt. I've tried her on toast, pasta, eggs, potatoes, chopped up veg, lots of things, more than once, and she turns her head and cries. Starts gagging etc. She gagged earlier eating a tiny bit of potato and a little bit of salmon and then spent ages crying until I gave her some puffs. What do I do??? Any advice on how to get her to eat more variety? Or maybe just a hand hold because I feel like a crap mum some days because I know her diet is terrible :( but what can I do if she refuses? Not much..

If healthcare professionals aren’t worried and DD seems happy and healthy, try not to worry - easier said than done, obviously!

I have a DD who lived on a 95% beige diet for years, the GP said not to worry as long as she ate all the major food groups, maintained a normal weight etc. and above all to offer different food but avoid turning meals into battles. She’s 18 now and started cooking all kinds of recipes almost overnight when she moved out for uni!

If she's mostly had purées and melty puffs, then she may be gagging a lot because she hasn't yet learnt how to manage a range of different foods in her mouth. Eating is actually really complicated when you think about it – we bring food to our mouth, take a suitably sized bite with our front teeth, move the food to the side of our mouth, chew it until it's ready to swallow, then move it to the back of our mouth and swallow. Most babies gag as they learn, but if your daughter has a particularly sensitive gag reflux or happens to really dislike gagging (quite a few babies completely shrug it off, gag to get the problem bite out, then take another bit to try again), then that learning suddenly becomes much harder.

I think I'd try two things. Firstly, I'd try to ever so gently widen her food range and get her off quite so much processed stuff. Maybe try homemade versions of some of what she likes – mix the two together at first if necessary, just a spoonful or two of homemade, then increase? Is the baby porridge very smooth? Cheap porridge oats are smoother than better quality, and you could whizz them in a blender/coffee grinder or use ready brek to make it even smoother to start. Similarly for widening her flavours – say a spoonful of apricot purée mixed in with the apple/pear, then increase. A lot of the 'savoury' baby food is still rather sweet, so if you can gradually get her onto a homemade version, that will help built her palette for savoury. Smooth soups might also be worth trying.

Secondly, I'd work on helping her map out her mouth. Things like thin, crispy breadsticks, water cracker type crackers, or even rich tea biscuits could be useful here because they sort of melt down in the mouth, but not as quickly and easily as melty puffs. The rich tea biscuits probably have less sugar than the oaty bars, to be honest. Give them to her whole if you can. Thin (like a couple mm) of apple or pear can be good as well, take the skin off for her for now.

OP wishing you the best of luck. First Steps Nutrition Trust has brilliant ideas for foods you can try, snacks, portion sizes etc, all free to download: https://www.firststepsnutrition.org/eating-well-early-years it's really helpful because it's so visual and shows you how much of different things for different ages etc. Probably will at least give you some things to try.

This is some really good advice and it doesn't seem too overwhelming, will definitely try these things. If I can just get her to eat less processed things, that would be great. Expanding her palette - even better!

I would stop all the processed stuff and puddings and offer healthy choices. She won't starve, she's having plenty of milk. Don't write something off because it gets played with and thrown on the floor. That's totally normal and it takes them a while to accept new foods. Keep offering a range of healthy foods and assuming no underlying medical issues she will learn to eat them.

If you wean her on to processed foods that's what she will learn to eat.

Gagging is normal and is a good thing as it is protective against choking. Read up on gagging vs choking. Baby led weaning is good on this.

I'd really recommend reading up on Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility in Feeding too. It takes away a lot of the stress.

Thank you! I've downloaded it and having a look now.

My DS gagged on lots of foods, he wanted to eat them but was scared of being sick so the range of foods he would eat got smaller and smaller. Rest assured, children can have a narrow range of foods and still thrive as long as they are getting the calories. My DS was always in the 99th percentile despite getting most of his nutrition from milk even as a toddler.

My advice would be to give her whatever she needs for calories, keep up with the milk, offer her a variety of food alongside what she will eat with no pressure to eat it.

It's so so stressful when they won't eat, and getting unhelpful advice and judgement from people who really don't understand makes it worse.

If the picky eating continues as she gets older and you are worried, ask for a referral to a dietician who can measure height and weight and give you some helpful tips. They also can analyse the nutrition in DC's diet, you'd be surprised how they can get their daily vitamins etc from foods you wouldn't consider very healthy. They can also prescibe a supplement if necessary.

Is she underweight? If not why are you worried

and cut out all the junk - it’s easier now than in a years time

thag means no jars, no squash, no Ella’s puffs …

I would not be giving my child so much pudding. Try chopped veg before a meal... if she is hungry she will have some cucumber or a carrot stick. Not much but a little.

Thank you, that's reassuring. Tbh there's still quite a few foods I haven't tried her on that I can still try. I do keep trying her on the same foods to see if she suddenly decides she wants/likes it. Maybe one day she will surprise me!

I've tried that, it didn't work. She just grabs and throws it on the floor with barely any hesitation. I worry I've made her think she can do this because she knows she will get a pudding or some puffs after. I suppose I need to be more tough and firm!

You’ve had some great advice already op. Just wanted to offer a reassuring word because I remember how stressful it is when your child won’t eat and it feels like you’re all alone with this issue. I never believed anyone, not even more experienced mothers when they said to me that it would all work itself out. But they were right, it did.

Im going back 25 years now but I remember my health visitor telling me that toddlers only need a very small quantity of food (2 tablespoons springs to mind but don’t quote me on that) to thrive - which is why it’s so important to make it nutrient dense.

Good luck. I hope you can relax a bit soon.

My DS was exactly the same. Lived off jars of baby food, yoghurts and bananas until he was about 20 months. I used to get so stressed at him because he wouldn't eat anything with lumps. Spoke to my DM about it and she replied that I was exactly the same and to stop stressing. It was hard but I did, eventually DS started eating other things. Happy to report that he is a strapping 20yo and will eat anything!

Hang in there, it's tough but kids eat when they are hungry. If she is not losing weight and is healthy, its nothing to worry about.

Just let her grab and throw on floor
thats ok
she is tiny
just offer only good food and keep at it

I am sorry. I didn't want to worry you,but it struck me that mums are so pressured by food manufacturers into buying processed foods unnecessarily that it can be hard to take a step back and work out what your child does need. You have had some great advice and I hope that you are going feel able to make gradual changes .

Thanks for all of the great advice and reassurance! I will hang in there and keep trying and I'll have a word with my DP to make sure he isn't giving in too easily when he does mealtimes either. Fingers crossed!

Strongly agree.

my first thought to your post was try to relax, if you make eating into a big deal around your daughter it will become a big deal and can lead to more fussiness. Try to eat the same thing and together, share a meal, talk to her, make it an enjoyable activity. Let her play with the food a bit (even though cleaning up is a nightmare)
id honestly just stop buying the meaty puffs, if they aren’t in your house you can’t give in and give them to her. I think of them as zero nutrition filling foods, they’ll fill her belly but aren’t giving anything nutritionally so she won’t want/need to eat anything after those. Mine went through a phase of only wanting rice cakes so I stopped buying them - he knew the cupboard they were in and would stand there and cry for them. It only takes a few days for them to forget they exist!
how about trying different textures? Could serve apple puree with some steamed apple fingers and grated apple. That’s quite a lot of effort though.
take the pressure off yourself - just give her some blended up (but still with some chunks) of whatever dinner you’re eating and make it a learning thing rather than a quantity thing - she’ll be fine off milk for now! Check out srnutrition and childrensdietician on instagram for some good weaning ideas

Are you parenting my DS?! 🤣 Seriously though, the milk she is getting will be giving her protein. Offer her something you know she will eat alongside things you think she won’t. Also offer things repeatedly: some kids need to be exposed to things 10x before they even take a bite.

Try and keep a lid on your anxiety. The medics have no concerns about her, and fussy eating is an incredibly common phase. My DS only came out of it at 3 years old - it was fruit, beige foods and milk for two years!!! You are a good mum. She is a good baby. This is hugely frustrating but focus on the fact that she is growing, meeting her milestones etc. Also consider the food she eats over the course of a week: are the major food groups covered?

We have a mildly fussy older child but this nutritionist is amazing for all ages of children:

https://www.instagram.com/family.snack.nutritionist/?hl=en

Been there, done that
DD developed ARFID, we think from choking on food when weaned due to being quite snotty/having undiagnosed asthma.
She is 20 now and fine but back than it wasn't much of a thing and advice was that a child would not starve themselves - DD certainly did
Few things that helped us at your DDs age and beyond
Put food centrally and let her put things on her plate
Ask if she wants something but be casual
Eating/not eating is not good or bad behaviour and shouldn't be punished or rewarded
Chat at mealtimes about other things, remove the focus from the food
As long as the diet is generally healthy and weight is ok forget about variety
Ignore "rules" about what is eaten at what time so don't worry if a food is traditionally a breakfast food or not for example.
Experiment with raw/cooked - DD preferred raw vegetables to cooked
For DD food not touching was important and not having lots of sauce on, so serve any sauce or similar seperately
Good luck, its a long and bumpy journey and you will get loads of shit advice and judgement but hopefully come out the other end with a healthy child/young adult and (most of) your sanity intact.

I know its easier said than done but try not to worry. 13 months is still very little and shes having plenty of milk and trying lots of things!

I agree with others- I dont think you have to give up all the pre made baby food but having more home cooked would be better nutritionally. Could you blend up your home cooked food super super smooth with some water so its less thick? She might find that more like baby food consistancy.

Take it slow, try and be chilled, keep up the milk. She will get there!

Then I REALLY wouldn’t worry-she’s
doing fine. Try not to let her see you’re stressed about it-easier said than done, I know. I suggest trying her with a wide range of food. Eat with her as often as possible, and let her have bits of whatever you’re eating. Abd keep telling yourself “It’s a phase”!

It’s still really early days so try not to stress too much it sounds like you’re doing a great job. When mine were that age I’d sometimes walk to the other side of the kitchen, still supervising but from
a small distance so I wasn’t sitting staring at them eating and stressing, not trying to pressure them too much.

I make my own oaty bars with a cup of porridge oats, two mashed bananas and some coconut oil all mixed together and baked in the oven for ten minutes. My two still love them now at 4 and 3 years old.

Peanut butter and banana mixed together is also a favourite and it can be put on slices of apple or a cracker/ toast etc for self feeding.

My younger had a real sweet tooth from the start of weaning. He would refuse anything remotely savoury so I would give him a spoonful of savoury puree mixed with a small amount of prune purée and gradually reduce the amount of prune on the spoon

The protein needs of a one year old are tiny, so don't worry about that. She's easily getting half of what she needs from the milk, the rest in the purees. Don't worry too much about the jars - these days baby food is barely more processed than home made. You'd use almost exactly the same stuff making it at home. And remember their taste buds change frequently so do retry things. If she is growing, she's fine