Parents of younger children, are you thinking of delaying smartphone for your DC?

[CEOmum]

My child is in reception and we have signed the parent pact with Smartphone Free Childhood pledging not to introduce a smartphone to our child till age 14 or over. In recent times it seems Year 6 has been the normal year when parents buy kids a smartphone ready for secondary school.

Where we live (south London) a borough has banned smartphones from all schools and it looks like others will be following. My hope is that we can make it normalised to not provide smartphones so that those with smartphones are the outliers rather than the norm, and that the peer pressure / pressure on parents will be lessened if the majority of kids in a class / town area are all using brick phones as standard.

When I come on Mumsnet I read a lot of parents saying this is naive, that the genie is out the bottle, that you can’t control kids using the internet and we just need to reach them how to regulate and use smartphones sensibly. I think that a lot of these parents have older kids / teens already using smartphones and so they are having to justify this, and I can see it’s too difficult to take away once they’ve got used to it.

In our case (parents of younger children) I feel we’ve got a real opportunity here to change the culture and not introduce smartphones until the children (adults?) are better equipped to deal with it. I don’t think we should be asking children to manage this (the entire internet available to them anytime anywhere, social media). I understand the views that you want your child to be safe travelling to and from school etc, but brick phones can help. As can air tags - for parents who feel better tracking their child.

There are various new brick phones coming out which enable smart messaging / WhatsApp type stuff and Google maps but not unfettered access to internet browsers or social media.

I’m not naïve (am a secondary teacher) and I know the impact smartphones are having on children’s lives - among other devastating situations I’ve had to deal with a 13 yo girl in my form class being groomed by a boy into a sexual act which was filmed then shared round the whole school and online.

All the Jonathan Haidt research has convinced me that (contrary to our assumptions) our children are safer walking the street than they used to be in many ways but the real dangers are in their pockets (smartphones). He also emphasises the importance and value of a play-based childhood on appropriate risk-taking and development, which has been lost. As a starting point, we live in a cul de sac and have been encouraging our DC to play outside with other kids from the street and as they get older we will continue to do so with one or two parents taking turns to watch over allowing a bit more independence.

Anyway I was hoping to find out if there are other parents of younger children (reception aged or thereabouts) who are thinking of doing things differently? I have found a lot of naysayers on here among the parents of older children who would have you believe all hope is lost, and that 10 year olds getting smartphones are just an inevitability, but I’m not prepared to accept that.

Could all of these things not have been accessed through your phone, though? Or on a tablet that is kept downstairs and is only used for homework etc? Could timetables be accessed from your phone in a morning and written down in a diary for them, like they were when we went to school?

There must also be a way of paying for the bus or dinner without an app, children whose parents can’t afford to buy them a smartphone must still be able to get to school/eat when they are there.

(Sorry! I don’t want this to come across in a mean way, I’m just really curious about how these things can be navigated without a smartphone)

Absolutely. I read the anxious generation which was terrifying, smart phones are the new cigarettes but even worse.

I do think the tide is turning on this as we are learning more about the harm having a smart phone can do. While it was, and currently is, pretty normal to give kids a smart phone at 11/12, I think that it will be more common for children who are currently 0-8 to get them when they reach 14-16.

DH and I certainly plan to hold out until 14 at least. But maybe a non internet phone when DD starts secondary if she is going to and from school by herself.

I have two older children (young adults really) and two younger children (age 10 and 7). My eldest both had smartphones moving to post primary school, with the agreement I could check regularly etc.
If I could go back in time I would not permit them to have smartphones at such a young age and my younger children absolutely won’t be having them until much later in their teens.
I have watched in alarm over the years as the mental health of young people has been seriously negatively impacted by social media and smartphone use, I’ve seen time and time again where police have contacted parents of my children’s friends over various issues relating to their smartphones (off the top of my head, at least two instances of convicted sex offenders having contacted their children via social media and child protection issues).
We as a family went through hell when my eldest was added to group chats where teens were sharing images of themselves self harming and encouraging each other to harm themselves in ever more extreme ways, and spent years trying to unpick the mental health damage that were made significantly worse by content she was consuming online.
Most people seem to think if they check messages and browsing history that somehow that’s enough to safeguard their child. I can tell you from our experience and that of the parents I know, it isn’t. Most parents aren’t tech savvy enough to navigate adequate supervision of their children online.
After going through what we went through with our eldest, and doing a LOT of reading around the subject, my youngest children absolutely will not be having smartphones until later in their teens.

I plan to hold off as long as possible (DD is currently 3). I had a phone at 7yo but this was in the 90s and all it did was call and text and honestly I hated the thing! And I was much ahead of all my classmates who were jealous and didn’t realise that a phone like that was just a way for your parents to stalk you… it scares me all the things phones can do now. Not appropriate for a 7 year old, I’ll tell you that!

Haven't reached that stage yet but I find it interesting when parents make a big thing about no smartphones only to give their younger child an iPad/tablet which does exactly the same stuff but without calls/texts which obviously doesn't matter much in the days of messaging apps like WhatsApp and messenger.

My kids are in middle primary and have never had an iPad/tablet, I just couldn't be dealing with the inevitable obsession (I myself as a kid became OBSESSED with video games)

And I really don't get why people buy toddlers iPads. (I know some parents say it helps with their child if they have special needs so exceptions for that)

Most people seem to think if they check messages and browsing history that somehow that’s enough to safeguard their child.

@BodyKeepingScore This is interesting - messages and browsing history are exactly what I check on my DC's phones. I've also heard about apps being "hidden" behind inocuous-looking icons like clock or calculator so parents don't realise they've been installed. Beyond that, I can't think of any other things to check - what am I missing? You wrote about your DD being added to self-harming groups which must have been very distressing - were these WhatsApp groups, or something else?

The self harming group chats were largely on Instagram, although later spilled over on to Discord.
Tumblr and Reddit were also particularly problematic in our house too.
At the time I had put restrictions on our WiFi, so parental blocks that I thought were sufficient but she was turning off the WiFi and using mobile data to circumvent the blocks.
There were apps that she wasn’t allowed to use, so was simply installing and uninstalling as needed so I wouldn’t see them on her phone. I admit to being quite naive until we were forced into a situation where I had to educate myself. She’s an adult now, so well outside me being able to supervise but I will always regret having allowed her to have a smartphone and social media so young. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing as she struggled to make friends and with social interaction etc.
My second eldest, I got much more wise to this and we use Google family link. He cannot install an app without me having to review it from my own device now. The parental settings also require me to approve him visiting certain websites. I’ve blocked a number of sites and apps and limited the time he can use his phone each day, and off a couple of hours before bed.
If you want to stay up to speed on how young people are working round the blocks, Reddit is eye opening, it’s been really informative for me filling in and out reading teenagers describe how to work around parental restrictions and it’s helped me keep on top of it.
The ship has sailed for my son, as he clearly already has a phone albeit with much tighter restrictions now. But my younger two will absolutely not be getting them.

Mine are 7 and 2 and I have also pledged this. Ideally they won't have one til 16 but I'm aware I may cave by 14. They will get a brick phone for texting.

I just hope they are fully banned by the time they go to secondary so it makes our jobs easier.

But also to add. Google family link, and similar apps, will prevent your child accessing private browsing or deleting browsing history etc.

Mine are nearly 11 and 8, they will both get a dumb phone for secondary, but no smart phones till 16. I will not be exposing my kids to the utter shite that is on tiktok and instagram.

The problem is that my DC all needed smart phones once they started high school at age 11. The school bus passes are only available digitally so without a smart phone she can’t use her bus pass.

Ours are 3 and 2 and I'm determined to not give them smartphones until 14 at least. I need to sort out my own usage first though - I realise it's very hypocritical of me when I'm very prone to checking my phone and getting sucked in.
My aim is for our phones to be away most of the time and just get them out after bed for necessary tasks or limited browsing.
My in-laws don't have phones at all. I used to think they were mad but they cope fine.

This blows my mind. What do kids whose parents can’t afford a smart phone do? They must be able to get to school without one, surely a physical bus pass is possible for such children?

My DC early 20's did not have smartphones to age 14/15. They had brick phones before. I know alot has changed even in 5-10 years but they work with children at summer camps and told me they would not give their own kids phones after what they saw. They said the kids language was awful (loads swearing / homophobic abuse etc) but mainly the kids could not concentrate on an activity for even a few minutes. I do think the move to TikTok youtube clips instead of childrens tv / a disney or pixar dvd when you need an electronic babysitter has made things worse in that there is no need to follow a story. Plus you have all the issues of porn, grooming, obsession with looks / selfies, bullying, anxiety and self harm. My DC were genuinely shocked children just a bit younger than themselves had such awful attention spans.

We are planning on being quite strict. Brick phone for year 7, smart phone at 14. DD is currently 2.5! No laptop/tablet til primary school starts and then only in a room with an adult.

I used to lambast my parents for things my friends had - the answer was no. I survived. Hopefully DD will be thr same.

The thing that worries me is that DD's aunt or grandparents will get her one. We will just say no and take it away. Aunt has form for huge gifts - bought DD a balance bike for xmas when she already had one eg.

I know 4 year olds who have had tablets since they were 18 months. I see babies with dummies using phones. And I think it's terrible.

Oh and don't worry plenty of parents (and my own parents!) Tell me I'll make her different from her peers and left out etc but I think DH and I have to be strong on this!

Gosh I sound so judgemental 😅

I have a 13 dd, and she doesn't have a smart phone. Thankfully alot of her friends parents have held off buying a phone too. We do however have family ipads with Google link locks and restrictions (no social media) the only app she uses is justtalk to arrange meet ups. A lot of her friends have said their parents will buy them a phone after they've completed their gcse. We've never had any issues with social media or fall outs.

Primary aged children here, and have already stated they will be not getting phones whilst at primary. They can have a brick phone for practical reasons once they are at secondary school, and won’t have a smartphone until at least 14. I have told them that I may raise the age as more research emerges on the effects of smartphones on children/teenagers. I really hope the tide is turning and it will be easier and more acceptable if fewer of their peers have phones!

Thanks for this detailed answer. We do have Google Family Link, although annoyingly it only goes up to age 13 in UK. I had no idea that DC might use mobile data rather than wifi to circumvent filters, or uninstall/reinstall Insta etc - these tricks would never have occurred to me, so it's useful to know! I'll check out Reddit for other ideas too.

Same here. Two nearly 13 year olds- one boy and one girl at different secondary schools. I gave them a Nokia flip. My son is embarrassed by his altho he is starting now to understand that my reason is to protect him and not because I'm old fashioned and boring. Adolescence has helped this altho he doesn't want to watch it I have explained the issues which he understood.
My daughter has shown less concerns with her Nokia and uses sms. Neither child has any friendship issues. They are happy and have not been bullied or excluded because they do not have a smartphone. I know I'm an outlier at the moment but I stood my ground because I can see the tide is turning as the horror stories continue and also as other western countries take action around smartphone use in schools and so on.
To anyone with a child approaching Year 6 - don't give in and don't worry about too much. Get your child a Nokia and explain the freedom having a phone gives them.
Also I'd recommend getting a Hyperjar visa card for your child which both mine have. It also has provided great freedom to spend pocket money after school.
Happy to answer specific questions as I appreciate my two are ahead of most of yours in age.

Oh and both mine have access to a laptop and iPad for homework. My son also plays brawlstars and fortnite but under my watch and no more than an hour once or twice a week.

My DS14 had a smartphone at 11 and I wish he hadn’t. He’s a really sensible kid with lovely friends and we have always had strict controls over it but I still think it’s been a negative influence in his life.

We have not given DD11 a phone in year 7. Felt sure that she would have begged for one by now but she hasn’t.

I’m aware Family Link has a limit of 13. With my son, I set him up an entirely new gmail address solely to be able to use Family Link. I set the date of birth as being younger than what he actually is . Hell will freeze over before I allow a company like Google to parent my minor teenager by deciding what content they can access.

It’s interesting. Around our area there is a lot of discussion with school Heads about reducing the reliance on / use of apps for things like homework, as well as reducing the reliance on screens in class. The Head at our school is really onboard with the SFC movement and has been consulting parents about alternatives.

I intend to do everything I can to delay my DS (8) having a smartphone. I would fully support any school in banning them from the premises. In fact I find it hard to understand how we have a situation where they are allowed in school given the hugely detrimental impact they have! I can understand the parental instinct to need to be able to contact a child walking home from school but they do not need to contact you during school hours using a mobile.