Parents of younger children, are you thinking of delaying smartphone for your DC?

[CEOmum]

My child is in reception and we have signed the parent pact with Smartphone Free Childhood pledging not to introduce a smartphone to our child till age 14 or over. In recent times it seems Year 6 has been the normal year when parents buy kids a smartphone ready for secondary school.

Where we live (south London) a borough has banned smartphones from all schools and it looks like others will be following. My hope is that we can make it normalised to not provide smartphones so that those with smartphones are the outliers rather than the norm, and that the peer pressure / pressure on parents will be lessened if the majority of kids in a class / town area are all using brick phones as standard.

When I come on Mumsnet I read a lot of parents saying this is naive, that the genie is out the bottle, that you can’t control kids using the internet and we just need to reach them how to regulate and use smartphones sensibly. I think that a lot of these parents have older kids / teens already using smartphones and so they are having to justify this, and I can see it’s too difficult to take away once they’ve got used to it.

In our case (parents of younger children) I feel we’ve got a real opportunity here to change the culture and not introduce smartphones until the children (adults?) are better equipped to deal with it. I don’t think we should be asking children to manage this (the entire internet available to them anytime anywhere, social media). I understand the views that you want your child to be safe travelling to and from school etc, but brick phones can help. As can air tags - for parents who feel better tracking their child.

There are various new brick phones coming out which enable smart messaging / WhatsApp type stuff and Google maps but not unfettered access to internet browsers or social media.

I’m not naïve (am a secondary teacher) and I know the impact smartphones are having on children’s lives - among other devastating situations I’ve had to deal with a 13 yo girl in my form class being groomed by a boy into a sexual act which was filmed then shared round the whole school and online.

All the Jonathan Haidt research has convinced me that (contrary to our assumptions) our children are safer walking the street than they used to be in many ways but the real dangers are in their pockets (smartphones). He also emphasises the importance and value of a play-based childhood on appropriate risk-taking and development, which has been lost. As a starting point, we live in a cul de sac and have been encouraging our DC to play outside with other kids from the street and as they get older we will continue to do so with one or two parents taking turns to watch over allowing a bit more independence.

Anyway I was hoping to find out if there are other parents of younger children (reception aged or thereabouts) who are thinking of doing things differently? I have found a lot of naysayers on here among the parents of older children who would have you believe all hope is lost, and that 10 year olds getting smartphones are just an inevitability, but I’m not prepared to accept that.

Definitely delaying, my eldest is year three now. And most parents I speak to agree that would be good to delay. Can’t imagine giving a smartphone in a couple of years think DS would be glued to it. My husband has a PlayStation and it’s bad enough to see how DS gets when he plays that.

Yup. My son is in Y1 and I very much hope it will be socially unacceptable to give pre-teens smartphones by the time he's at secondary. I've already talked to two of his friends' mums who say the same. Brick phone fine, we don't have a landline so he'll need something, but nothing he can access the entire internet on.

I am worried about what he'll see on the school bus if friends have smartphones. It feels almost impossible to protect them.

I’m so glad to read all these responses.

I have a 5 year old (in year 1) and a toddler. My husband and I work in tech and we’ve always been wary of adopting it in our private lives without question. When Smartphone Free Childhood came along I was over the moon. We’ve signed the pact.

Maybe it’s also something to do with our generation? I’m mid 30s, we got broadband on the family computer when I was 16, and the amount of disturbing content I came across (shock sites for example) just while looking up stuff about my favourite band was appalling. Thank goodness I was an older teen and had a frame of reference. My parents had no idea and of course I never told them as I didn’t want them to ban me from using the Internet!

But maybe it means we have a better idea of what kids might find online as it happened to us… we’re not as naive as parents even 5-10 years older than us.

I have an 8yr old and there are already kids in his class glued to phone on the way to school - no idea what they even look at! We told ours he can get a phone when he's 16 and that's that. No good can come from it.

My eldest is 11 starting secondary this summer. She has actually asked not to get a phone - she said she may use us as an excuse for not having one but she doesn’t want it.

My impression is during primary too many DC with unrestricted access to phones and the issues like WhatsApp chat bullying she’s seen up close the issues and doesn’t want it.

At home she has access to an iPad and Chrome book for homework, and emails her friends on gmail vs WhatsApp.

I have finally found my people! Thank you. DC is year 6 and off to secondary in September. The only one without a smartphone.
we know things now we didn’t know a few year ago. I would not give them a packet of cigarettes so why would I hand an 11 year old unlimited access to the internet and SM? You can’t unsee a beheading. You can’t unsee porn. You can’t unread keyboard warrior bullying.

they’re too young. We have been put in an impossible situation. I hope so much for those of you with younger children that this becomes easier as the tide turns. I’m encouraged to read your responses. Smartphone free childhood is gaining traction and thank goodness for that.

and no, I don’t need to track my child when they get greater independence. They aren’t independent if they know they’re being tracked.

My kids are y1 and y4 and neither will be having smartphones until at the very least 14. I am happy for my oldest to have a brick phone for going out and about on his own next year though.

Many of my y4's class have phones and the parents don't seem worried at all. Some have older siblings who all have phones and I think that a lot of the parents have doubled down about the decision. No parent wants to admit they've made a decision that is not on their child's best interests .

The attitude of the y1 parents is very different, thankfully and many of them do not use iPads/will be giving their DC a smart phone. Although there are some in the year who already have a smartphone 😬.

The school had a huge problem a few years ago in Y5 with WhatsApp bullying and school had to spend a lot of time sorting it out. I have encouraged the school to ban smartphones, they said they are looking into it.

Smartphone free secondaries doesn't seem to be a thing as much around here as it does in other areas but hopefully it will in the coming years.

On a slightly separate note I was surprised to see Sarah Ockwell-Smith, the Gentle Parenting woman declare yesterday on her Facebook page that smartphones weren't a problem and that children just need to be taught how to use them safely (hey, maybe we can teach them how to use alcohol and porn safely from age 11 too while we're at it!). A lot of parents did agree but she did have a bit of pushback in the comments.

My child had one at 12 barely looks at it not all children are obsessed by them

I’m with you OP. I think we will introduce a non smart brick phone when the time comes. Going to avoid social media and access to it like the plague

I find this interesting as the most common "justification" for a smartphone among DDs peers is so their parents can track them.

Followed by homework, then by the other apps they apparently need like banking.

It's an interesting point about needing the aps for essentials. Bus passes are often much cheaper when done online and harder to loose when on a phone ap, for example. Homework, dinner money etc is often on aps now, how will these schools balance that with wanting phones banned? I know some people use it to manage things like blood sugar, which is likely very reassuring for the parents, knowing they've got an easy method of keeping it in check when out and about.

But then that doesn't change how once they have it, it's very open to the numerous downsides, even with controls etc.

I suppose it's just one of the many things to consider nearer the time, depending on how the tide has changed Vs stayed the same by then.

It's already changing somewhat. My DD got a Nokia for her 12th bday, and that's by far the most common phone among her friends. A few have iPhones but because the culture hasn't taken hold, they don't obsess about it. Snapchat etc is practically unheard of, which wasn't the case for siblings a few years ago. She loves her Nokia, gives her freedom and she chat happily to her friends in the evening. The parents of her friends from primary in other schools have given in and I just think they can't undo that now.

This sounds great. Do you mind me asking what kind of Nokia? Is it a 3310 from my teenage years? 🤣 so it’s just texting, phone calls and snake? Thinking of getting one for myself.

I think most parents are with you, op. Those saying that the genie is out of the bottle are just making excuses for their own choices.

It used to be normal to smoke around children, to build playgrounds on concrete, for children to travel without even a seatbelt (I can remember when cars didn’t have them in the back!) All of this changed when people realised the harm. There’s so much evidence that smartphones are harmful for children- we can easily change this norm as long as we act together. That’s why the “it’s too late” crowd annoy me so much- it’s a counsel of despair and it’s only purpose is to avoid facing up to their own parenting errors. We all make mistakes- own them rather than pretending you had no choice.

Also planning to hold off as long as possible. My dc are 7 and 3.

I do (wishfully) think that the tide is already turning, thankfully a lot more people seem aware of the risks and the children without smartphones will become a growing minority soon. However I think it is naive to expect schools ban to do the trick, it is outside school that children spend the majority of time accessing their phones.

At least this way, she’s not in for a virtual beating 24/7.

this is a really good point. Thank you

My DS is 11 and going to secondary in September. We won't be getting him a smartphone yet, we're going to hold out for as long as possible.

My eldest got a smartphone age 11 for secondary, she's 18 now. Do I regret getting her one at this age? I think so, although she is sensible and would argue it hasn't done her any harm, I dont like how permanently glued to it she is.

Eldest is y7 and has a heavily restricted iPhone. No whatsapp, Snapchat, TikTok and very limited screen time, including web browsing limited to 20mins a day. It’s been fine, but most of the drama we hear about from school is WhatsApp/tiktok/snap/gaming going wrong. No regrets about holding firm on social media apps.

Her school is very strict on no phones during the day which helps.

Absolutely, the older and more mature the better

We considered holding off. Then they got to high school- time table was on an app, homework was set on an up, after school activities (cancellations time changes etc) were sent on an app, dinner money was on an app, paying for the bus was on an app. Then Covid hit and lessons were on line. Luckily they had pc's and laptops too. Wouldn't do all this with a bog standard Nokia!

My eldest will be getting a phone when they turn 10 and walking too and from school. We don’t have a land line so doing the old “3 rings” to let parents know you are home isn’t an option

i think refusing access to phones etc will become a competitive parenting virtue signalling competition between parents

my child’s school has set homework on Apps since Reception so mine have had to have tablets since then

It’s clear things are changing. Even just a couple of years ago if someone posted on here that they were considering not getting their 11 year old a smartphone, there would be one or two supportive posts and then pages of people implying that withholding a phone was a form of child abuse.

Virtue signalling is when you say something you don’t have to genuinely care about or act on in order to fit in with a tribe. If people are actually withholding phones (rather than just talking about it), then it’s not virtue signalling.

There's certainly numerous children in my DC's y7 class that either have no phone or a brick phone.