Step daughter is ruining mine and my children's life. Help

[Samiam92]

This is a long post.

My bf and I have been together 3 years. I've been taking care of his daughter since we first started dating her bio mother has seen her maybe 6 months out of my whole relationship with the dad. We are a blended family, I bring in 3 kids of my own from a previous relationship and he brings in kids from two previous relationships and we share a child we had a yr ago. My bfs daughter is 5. The same as my twins. But she has a lot of, what I think stem from behavior problems or adhd, I'm not sure. I realize she's only 5 but it's been hell with her. My twins and her older brother who's only 3 years older have never done the things she does.

She is very manipulative, devious, sneaky, mean, jealous, malicious. Her behaviors have now affected all of my children even my oldest whos 13. Her, half brother from her father does not like being around her and neither do my twins. I'm scared to leave her alone with my one yr old. But I'm her main caretaker, it's finally come to the point where her dad is sending her to her mom but idk for how long but I cannot care for her anymore.

She's accused my kids of touching her, she's the one who's been inappropriate with the boys, she's now even trying to accuse my 1 yr old of being inappropriate with her. I've seen here trying to kiss and be inappropriate with all my kids and ive had to explain this to her father, my kids even explained how uncomfortable they feel with her , so shes not allowed around then alone. She constantly lies even if it's not necessary, she's got kicked out of TK, Daycare, and family doesn't want to even watch her. She's hit my 1 yr old in his soft spot multiple times when he was months old because of her jealousy, she's called my twins racist names, will ask strangers to take her because we don't feed her and we beat her (we do not do that). When I try explaining things to her she just laughs or seems bored and uninterested in listening to me. She constantly gets into everyone's things, if she doesn't like the food I give her, she throws in under the table, on the wall, or hides it behind cabinets or anything really. When I confront her she tells me to clean it up. She has told me numerous times I'm only here to cook, clean, and do what her dad says. She is aggressive towards the other children. Her dad does put her in time out and take toys and stuff away, we don't know what else to do because honestly she scares us. She acts worse when her dad is not here. She will have a few good days but she always reverts back to these behaviors. Her dad will tell me I shouldn't let a child get to me like that but he doesn't understand how this effects me mentally. I have stopped trying to help with doctors appointment and everything because I feel her bio parents need to figure out what's going on with her mentally and emotionally. I have to take a step back and worry for my own kids mental health as well as mine. We are all in therapy now cus of this. Idk it's so much more but I'm just curious has anyone else gone through something like this? Idk if my relationship can survive this. I know he needs to be there for his daughter but I'm not putting my kids through this anymore or taking care of her anymore. I feel horrible for even saying that but I can't do it.

I honestly think it's her, no sexual abuse

OP you sound lovely and like the only adult who gives a damn in this situation. But this child is 5 years old. She’s like this because she has been utterly failed by the adults in her life, not because ‘it’s her’. She sounds traumatised. Nobody will consider a neurodevelopmental diagnosis with this degree of dysfunctionality in the background. I think it’s a miracle the other DC aren’t like her to be honest, not weird that she’s the odd one out.

She may only be 5 years old but she is clearly very, very troubled and is a danger to your children. You need to protect your own and get out of this situation.

Poor children, all of them. 6? Kids from 4 different relationships between you, including a new baby. I’m not surprised she’s acting up, she’s had so much disruption in her life and she’s only 5, the poor thing.

5 and watching TikTok? Op you all need a huge family meeting and they need to find some sort of a play therapist who can get to the root of all of this. Adhd or anything can’t be solely the problem here, a 5yo with jealousy and anger that’s off the chart, that has such inappropriate tendencies, she definitely needs help but it has to come from and with her parents. It must be hell for all of you but sadder than that is how young she is.

So she doesn’t see her mummuch, her dad now has three children by three brief relationships and she’s being raised in a home by dad’s girlfriend with your children. I wonder why she’s troubled!

Blended families are very common now. No we did not plan to have another child but we did. Our other children get along great, unfortunately something is going on with her. So ypu could be kinder.

This poor little girl has been saddled with a father that has children with 3 different women within 8 years and leaves her in the care of his latest pairing. Behavioral problems are hardly surprising.

this isn’t your problem to solve. Your job is to protect your children. This environment doesn’t just sound stressful for everyone, it seems like there is a possibility of accusations being made that could turn lives upside-down.

you can take your children and let dad solve this issue. He should be the one there doing the day to day work of fixing this anyway. It’s what his daughter needs.

once you leave, he will probably just look for girlfriend number 4 and get her pregnant as quickly as possible, so he has a new caregiver, but again, that isn’t your problem.

Before me he was with dad and his family. Mom was still not stable in her life. I think it's been like that since she was born. I know dad has had her by himself, well with his mom and dad. since I came into the picture.

I took her to the doctor and voiced my concern he spoke about therapy and I gave the parents the info I had. I'm not her bio parent so I can't do much and I'm honestly tired of doing that for them I do agree they need to figure it out.

Are her grandparents stable and reliable? It genuinely sounds like she’d be better living with them if they’d have her.

Bloody hell there's so much here that it's hard to even respond.

Firstly, you're really pushing the limits of the phrase "blended family" when you are trying to shove children from four different relationships all into one home. That's not fair on any of them.

As far as the 5 year old is concerned, she needs serious help asap. She's probably traumatised from being on her third family already at only 5 years old and wondering how long until her life is blown up again. That poor child.

But in terms of you and your own children, you need to ask him to leave with his kids and live somewhere else. It's not fair on your children to live like this and will be causing them serious damage.

I agree. He needs to step up. She had two parents who need to actually parent her. He should move out and concentrate on his daughter.

I came here to vent and look for advice. I appreciate the people who are being kind and giving advice. I do think I will have to separate if things don't change. I'm really hoping mom will try and help her daughter. I stay because I do care for her but I am drained and I have to look out for my.kids as well. It's not an easy situation to walk away from especially since she is my sons sister. I just know mentally I cannot help her anymore other then try and be supportive from a far for awhile.

She got in trouble because she was on Tik Tok with older siblings..? That’s hardly on her at the age of five.
I hope she is safe with the step dad.

Yes her grandparents are stable but I think they are on the same boat as me. They are tired of cuddling the parents. Like I said previously it's not easy. Everyone wants to help but not cuddle. They are very helpful with me and the other children as well. Unfortunately I think they want there son to be there for her and fix this on his own with support but not them fully taking over again.

I'm not sure what happened that's just what step dad said. She prefers to be with step dad over her mother, she calls her mother by her name not mom or anything like that.

My head was screaming this whilst reading your post OP. That’s a little girl with a lot of trauma, she needs professional support and help not toys taken away etc. I’m not in any way blaming you, I feel sorry for you. As a woman who was abandoned by my parents as a child and sexually abused by a family friend, early professional help was key and I’ve been in therapy all of my life bar the past 2 years. I am now a well rounded woman with a healthy, happy marriage and children. I broke the cycle. Please don’t ignore her cries for help.

You really need to protect your children. If her mum can’t have her full time, you need to end the relationship.

While I understand their decision, it’s a real shame they won’t have her. I think, what this child needs, is a long period of stability and predictability from consistent care givers. Sadly, I don’t think your DP is going to give her that.

Your Partner sounds utterly useless so yes leave for that.

he needs to step up but sadly I suspect he won’t

I’m guessing she wasn’t displaying all these behaviours when she was 3 years old

@Samiam92 she sounds like she is traumatised to me and is acting out.

I dont know where she is getting this touching stuff from, has she been abused? I really hope not, but its not normal for a 5yo to understand any of that.

Pls dont treat her like she's treating you, she does not have your emotional capabilities, sjes a young child. Be extra loving towards her, she needs it. She needs to know she's loved just like everyone else, she needs to know she's valued just like everyone else.

I'd also help her and the other children grow self esteem. Get them to look at themselves in a mirror and high 5 themselves whilst not making a noise (that's to concentrate the feeling). Ask them to do this every morning.

Also play baroque music quietly in the background. It really reduces stress - dobt ask me how but I can confirm it works.

I do hope these tips help.

Sending you a big hug.

BTW having so many kids is something you should look at. Im not telling you not to have anymore, but seriously your hands are completely full and its likely you just dont have the time each child needs and that is very sad.

Have you not considered that this child has been sexually abused by either current or previous “stepdad”? Or someone else?

Aside from this, you need to keep your DC emotionally and physically safe. I would not allow DSD back in your family’s home. It may take a long time for them to recover from what you have exposed them to.

I feel so sad for you all OP. I have a 5 year old and that behaviour seems so painfully abnormal and a huge red flag. Yes the family set up is not ideal- living with your family with other people’s children must be a lot of pressure, having kids is hard enough let alone with step kids with different parents and different relationships it all sounds very chaotic.

If you’re the one person who is kind to her it seems so sad to stop but I get it. Honestly though- if you split up don’t have any more kids. You’ve got plenty!

I’m not convinced by step father’s version of her watching TikTok with older siblings. I watch TikTok & don’t get anything remotely dodgy show up.

What do your family think - surely they aren’t finding this easy? It would be better for everyone if your partner returned to his parents. He now has 3 children by 3 different mothers. Let them support him instead of your family doing it.