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Original poster

I don't love my son

30 replies

Iknowitsnotnormal · 13/05/2008 21:51

I just don't. He's 3.

I don't have the same instinct for him as I do my other child. I'm past caring if he has yet another hissy fit. I've never felt that strongly about him. Could be to do with his difficult birth.

It's not his fault, I know that. I'm not mean to him. In fact, I'm affectionate and give him lots of my time but he probably still senses his mother doesn't love him.

I don't know what to do about it. I think it just feels good to let it out instead of pretending to be the all loving mother. I can't be the only one. It's not a good thing I know. My DH is gutted about it.

OP posts:

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FrannyandZooey · 13/05/2008 21:53

very sorry to hear this
I don't really know what to say but didn't want your post to go unanswered

helenelisabeth · 13/05/2008 21:53

Oh darling - I am so sorry for you, what a terrible thing to find yourself admitting BUT at least you feel you can say it out loud which can only be good for the future.

I think the best thing would be for you to seek professional help. Go see your GP. Good luck.

NotDoingTheHousework · 13/05/2008 21:55

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WilfSell · 13/05/2008 21:56

I think you need help too. If only for you to talk it through. You said he had a difficult birth? That might be somewhere to start: is there a birth trauma service at your local hospital? Agree with GP suggestion: you can ask to be referred to a counsellor to talk stuff through. Even going direct to Relate might help - they do deal with all sorts of family issues not just couples. They charge but adjust their charges according to ability to pay I think.

if you've spoken out now, why don't you consider posting a bit more about stuff if it helps?

bcsnowpea · 13/05/2008 21:56

Iknowitsnotnormal this must be really hard for you to say, but I salute your courage.

Perhaps you should speak to a counsellor or therapist, who may be able to suggest ways of bonding with your son. Or perhaps it may take more time.

Either way, it's good to hear that you still treat him with affection, even if you don't feel it deep down.

mollymawk · 13/05/2008 22:02

Poor you. I agree with the others - you could try to get some help for yourself. But you are doing the right thing by your son so far.

pointydog · 13/05/2008 22:07

Maybe it would help in some way if you didn't think in terms of loving your son. Maybe if you concentrated on teh caring and the affection and the giving-of-time, you wouldn't feel so badly about this. And one day you might feel differently about the love. Agree, you shoudl look into talking this through a bit.

fishie · 13/05/2008 22:09

iknow there must be a reason for your feeling this way. you need the courage and ability to find out why and resolve it. hopefully the opportunity is there for you too, is your gp approachable?

i also think that you do love him very much or you wouldn't be even thinking of posting this.

Nocca · 13/05/2008 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motmyself · 13/05/2008 22:19

I had pnd for three years without really realising it and I felt exactly the same as you do about my second child. It was a difficult pregnancy with lots of negative feelings due to the situation at the time, financial and otherwise.

When I finally started taking the AD's (citalopram) my feelings for my DD changed - the only real way that I knew that I really had been depressed. All my doubts about how I felt about her disappeared really very quickly.

TBH, even if you don't feel that depressed it might be worth seeking treatment for depression - counselling or ADs. The ADs are not addictive and might be worth a try anyway.

I now have a very loving relationship with my little girl that feels 'right' IYKWIM.

motmyself · 13/05/2008 22:20

X-posted with the previous poster.

motmyself · 13/05/2008 22:23

Doh. Namechanged in case anyone on here knows me in RL and mis-spelt it!!

Original poster

Iknowitsnotnormal · 13/05/2008 22:26

I will go and get help. Can you breastfeed on ADs?

OP posts:

fishie · 13/05/2008 22:30

yes

Nocca · 13/05/2008 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 13/05/2008 22:30

yes Setraline is considered safe. go see your gp, get an assessment of needs and likely get CMHT referral and cpn

edam · 13/05/2008 22:35

Iknowitsnotnormal, I really feel for you. Some great posts here to point you in the right direction.

motmyself · 13/05/2008 23:27

Interesting info from your DP Nocca. I really felt such a difference from the citalopram after trying all the usual things, looking after myself, a bit of counselling at gp surgery, etc. For me I would say that it improved things 90%, and the bonding issues 100%.

The only thing I wonder is that maybe it alleviates anxiety and maybe that can stand in the way of the relationship -ie, I spent so much time worryiing that something was wrong that it just got in the way somehow.
The difference in how I felt though about DD2 was just so immediate and different - it was a complete certainty about loving her that I just hadn't felt before.

motmyself · 13/05/2008 23:30

PS, Obviously different things help different people, but hopefully it's good to know that it can be resolved even after quite a long time.

susiecutiebananas · 13/05/2008 23:33

i would also concur with notmyself about the citalopram and those feelings. really changed things for me. I did love my DD, but had a v difficult pregnancy, for various reasons, physical and emotional. These continued post nataly. I felt I improved a great deal after about a month maybe 6 weeks of taking CP.

Nocca · 13/05/2008 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zazen · 14/05/2008 00:06

Iknowitsnotnormal - great name - but you see it is very normal to have these alienated feelings if you are suffering from PTSD or pnd.

I had PTSD for ages and really I didn't bond with my DD until I had therapy about the horrific birth, and laid some ghosts to rest.

Now I just soar when I see her and I could jump up and down when I think about her - my heart sings.

Please get some kind of help - ADs and talk therapy ESPECIALLY from someone who specialises in post natal depression and PARTICULARLY someone who knows the EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)techniques for recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) [http://www.emdr.com/index.htm here's the website for more information on EMDR]
This therapy is amazingly fast and liberating.

You do love your son - your brain is recovering from a trauma and is doing it's best to sort that out first.

Please try EMDR as soon as you can - I was amazed how quickly and completely it worked. I now feel like a real mummy

nappyaddict · 14/05/2008 00:12

you say you don't love your son but i think what you mean is you don't have a bond with him. if he was to die would you be distraught. if you would be then you love him of course you do. you just don't feel connected to him -there's a difference. sounds like pnd to me which probably came about cos of the horrible birth. please get the help you need by going to your gp. don't be ashamed - they've heard it all before.

candyfluff · 14/05/2008 07:03

i had pnd after my ds was born and had it for the 1st 18 months of his life and i just kept saying that although i was going through the motions of being his mum it felt as if i had'nt bonded with him and it was almost as if he was someone else's baby.
so i know how that feels .im glad to say that now i adore him

JoshandJamie · 14/05/2008 07:17

I know a lady - Patti Good - based in London who specialises in working with women across a range of baby/child related issues. For example, I know she worked with someone who had stillborn baby and when she became pregnant with her next child, wasn't able to bond with it. She went to some sessions with Patti, managed to resolve the underlying emotional issues and went on to have a fabulous birth and really connects with her child now.

She might be worth talking to. Her website is www.babyjourney.com

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