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Parenting

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Original poster

I don't love my son.

66 replies

Iknowitsnotnormal · 13/05/2008 21:50

I just don't. He's 3.

I don't have the same instinct for him as I do my other child. I'm past caring if he has yet another hissy fit. I've never felt that strongly about him. Could be to do with his difficult birth.

It's not his fault, I know that. I'm not mean to him. In fact, I'm affectionate and give him lots of my time but he probably still senses his mother doesn't love him.

I don't know what to do about it. I think it just feels good to let it out instead of pretending to be the all loving mother. I can't be the only one. It's not a good thing I know. My DH is gutted about it.

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oneplusone · 14/05/2008 14:45

ronshar, i know about the pushing away when DD comes for a cuddle, i sometimes tell her I am too busy but DS i could cuddle all day. I worry DD can sense the difference in my feelings (or lack thereof) for her and DS, but try as i might i simply cannot seem to dredge up any real feeling for her. Sometimes I almost feel like she is not actually my daughter and that i am looking after her for someone else

ronshar · 14/05/2008 14:47

Oneplusone.

Pitchounette · 14/05/2008 15:38

Message withdrawn

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tootiredtothink · 14/05/2008 19:03

How did you get on at docs?

Janni · 14/05/2008 19:24

Poor you

Definitely get counselling about the birth and your feelings.

Get as much help as you can with the day to day care of your little boy. Do nice things for yourself so you don't feel frazzled.

Try to work out some really enjoyable activities you can do with your son - things that you like so that you can feel positive about the time you spend together.

Your feelings may change as he gets older. You are brave and honest and I hope it works out for you.

lilyloo · 14/05/2008 20:15

How did it go ?

for others who are experiencing the same thing.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 15/05/2008 13:22

Does he scream and shout more than your other child did?
Would you say he was more difficult?
How difficult was the birth and how was he afterwards?
Is he the eldest or youngest?

I'm just asking because my friend had a horrendous time giving birth to her son and he was traumatised to the extent that he has special needs. Another friend had an equally dreadful birth and her DD could be said to be more trying.

Might be worth checking out. Slap me if I'm wrong though and he's perfectly fine, I'm just thinking off in tangents.

ummadam · 15/05/2008 15:22

something my mum used to say to me and my brother when we were playing up.

Just because I love you doesn't mean I have to like you!

it helps me to remember that when DS is screaming and 3-year olds are not funt to be around most of the time.

Keep talking and try not to be too hard on yourself.xxx

twinsetandpearls · 15/05/2008 15:31

I used to feel the same about my dd, we both had a very difficult start togethr and I had awful depression.

I worked it through by being honest with dp and having some group counselling.

I didn;t really feel like I loved dd until she became school age, she now makes me burst with love and pride, most of the time!

twinsetandpearls · 15/05/2008 15:32

If you want to CAT me feel free.

PetitFilou1 · 15/05/2008 18:53

I felt just the same for a long time. You are not a freak - it has taken me a long time to bond with ds and I am now pretty sure I had undiagnosed PND. I also have dd and instantly bonded with her. I had cognitive behaviourial therapy last year which really helped - I love my son and our relationship now is 100% better than it was than when he was 2 (he is now 4). My dh could never understand my feelings at all and was very upset by them - I couldn't discuss it with him in the end. Get some help, as you will have seen there are lots of other mothers who have been in this position. If you leave things it will be harder to fix in the long run.

Lazycow · 16/05/2008 10:19

I agree that being able to talk openly about this with another adult helps enormously.

Dh let me say honestly how I felt about ds and never made me feel bad about it at all. I also took great comfort from the fact that dh adores ds in a completely biased and almost passionate way.

He pretty much felt like that from the day ds was born and he has a very felexible job that meant he spent almost as much time with ds as I did despite me being on maternity leave.
So ds got the 'bonding' he required as a baby with his dad

vicskill · 16/05/2008 16:17

It's awful to know that other people feel like this but good to know that I'm not alone. I've only joined mumsnet this afternoon because i feel so desperately fed-up with my children & wanted to know that I'm not abnormal.. I really hope your GP was able to help xxx

zoena · 17/05/2008 17:49

you must most definately get help i was the lady on the channel four documentary and after having the therapy i realised i felt like you do about my older child but had hidden it and it was only because i didnt bond at all with izzy that i realised this and my older one was four when i started the therapy. the thing about being called a freak i can relate to as this was how i felt, just like a freak so the idea of telling anyone made me think they would think that too. post natal illness can go on for years as i proved with my eldest you cant hide from it , it will ruin both your lives and you can still build that bond even now. i have with my eldest who is nearly 6 now. dont get me wrong its been much harder that with izzy as she is young enough to mould but every week i feel we get a little bit closer and that is a very rewarding feeling. it sounds to me like you desperately need some councelling or therapy so please see someone soon if you want to chat to me email me xx

oneplusone · 18/05/2008 13:36

zoena, hi, i think you were so brave for going on that programme. I was in tears watching it as that is exactly how i have been feeling about my DD for so long, ever since she was born, even before she was born, but I have kept it a complete secret as it seemed just too terrible to admit to anyone, even my DH.

I am very encouraged by what you have said that your therapy has helped improve your relationship with your children. I have been having counselling to help me deal with issues from my own childhood. I have realised now that my mother probably didn't bond with me at all and we have never been close throughout my whole life. I felt so lonely as a child as I wasn't close to my dad either. I felt like an orphan, even though i had parents and siblings.

I would be utterly heartbroken and mortified if either of my children felt even a fraction of the lonliness i felt as a child. But i think i need a different kind of therapy as although my current counsellor has helped a lot in relation to my own childhood, it doesn't seem to have made any impact or improvement in relation to my feelings (or lack thereof) towards my DD.

Sometimes i wonder if the lack of feeling towards DD is partly due to the fact that she looks so completely different from me. If you saw us together you would never guess that she was my daughter. She takes after my DH's side of the family whereas DS takes after me and my side and he looks much more like me. I suppose these are things I need to discuss with a therapist.

It strikes me that this feeling must be much more common that we are led to beleive, but because very few people, understandably are willing to admit to it, it is not talked about, discussed or known about. I also didn't realise quite what a lack of a feeling i had for DD until i had DS. It was only when i felt such an overwhelming instant bond/connection/love for him the instant he was born and even whilst i was pregnant, that i realised this was completely absent in relation to DD.

Blu · 18/05/2008 13:50

IKINN - please please come back to the thread, and please stop thinking you are not normal. I really would bet that it is a LOT more normal than anyone will ever admit to - because of teh fear of reaction - and because of some actual reactions. But you know what - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. it matters what you feel. And how your DS is. That's all that matters.

And, of course no one will want to take him away. They really won't - why on earth should they? He has a mummy who looks after him and worries about him and wants to make things happier for him.

I don't know how you got on with your GP, but there is lots of support out there for you. Counselling for you, and possibly 'family therapy' for you and DS to help with his rages etc. It's no different from seeking physiotherapy if you needed it.

I have a distant cousin who went through this...it really is a fixable thing! I don't know WHO you ask to be referred fro counseling or family therapy, but persist with your GP.

Hugs to you.

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