I don't love my son.

[Iknowitsnotnormal]

I just don't. He's 3.

I don't have the same instinct for him as I do my other child. I'm past caring if he has yet another hissy fit. I've never felt that strongly about him. Could be to do with his difficult birth.

It's not his fault, I know that. I'm not mean to him. In fact, I'm affectionate and give him lots of my time but he probably still senses his mother doesn't love him.

I don't know what to do about it. I think it just feels good to let it out instead of pretending to be the all loving mother. I can't be the only one. It's not a good thing I know. My DH is gutted about it.

you aren't abnormal finding a 3 year old hard to deal with

As everyone else says, you are not a freak and no one will judge you.

Obviously your dh is not going to be any help in the first instance (although i bet he will come around once you have been to see your gp!) so you really do need to go to see someone.

Please, please, please make an appointment first thing tomorrow - imagine how much better your life will be when you have help with these feelings, let alone when it's all sorted out!!!

Let me know when you have made that phonecall!!!

It does happen.
My friend told me she did not bond with her third son (accidental pregancy and difficult birth) until he was nearly 4. He was a very clingy, immature (babyish even at 3) child and I must admit I did not warm to him either.
It is entirely possible not to like your own child sometimes, and endlessly tantrumming little ones are hell on Earth.
See a counsellor. I would suggest you involve your DH with it at some point as he has to understand how you feel.
My DH says he took nearly a year to bond with DD because she was "alien, I did not know her. I had to work out her personality"...don't assume parental love is automatic all the time.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It is likely there are many other mothers in your area who experienced similar issues, you are not a freak.
I think the national childbirth trust has a confidential helpline, don't think you are alone, you are not.
You can only improve things from where they are now. Speak to someone who is trained to help, otherwise you will explode with self recrimination and the longer it goes on the more difficult it will be to sop the child's tantrums.

Kindness. Thank you.

How are you feeling today?

Not abnormal at all. Have been saying to dh for a few weeks that I am finding dd (3) quite hard to like at the moment (laregly because of hissy fits!) and am having to pretend to have fun with her.

Do you not love him or not like him as I am not sure that they are the same thing? Not liking is easier as I think if you pretend long enough you can get over whatever characteristics you have problems with.

Not loving is harder (I failed to bond with ds at all for many months after bad birth) as you feel your whole life is a charade. I second what others have said about it being a symptom of depression and the need to seek professional help.

Do you EVER have loving feelings towards him?

I find ds such hard work and internally I know I am very judgemental of his personality (it is so like mine!!). I had bad pnd with him and thay may be part of it, I certainly never had that overwhelming rush of love other describe when he was newborn

I have been thinking about this a lot recently as I am unable to have more children. I have thought it would be nice to have another child that I got on with better but I came to the conclusion that actually it is a blessing to only have ds.

I am forced to get on with ds and to spend time with him as he is my only child. I can't avoid him by using the other children as an excuse. This means I learned very quickly that during those periods where our relationship deteriorates I have to spend much more time with my son rather than less. This works every time to bring on more loving feelings though it can take a while (weeks sometimes).

If ds had siblings who I felt more loving feelings for I know I would have a much much much worse relationship with him.

If it's any comfort I don't think it's all that abnormal at all. I think that overwhelming amazing 'maternal love' that is supposed to sweep us off our feet and change the world is yet another stick to beat mothers with! Because if we don't feel it we are freaks and abnormal . Are you looking after your son, are you caring for him, are you showing him affection, are you treating him fairly? If the answer is yes to all of those, it strikes me that the only person suffering is you.

Believe me I know how you feel. I didn't love my DD for years. I used to sit and weep about it - when my DS climbed on to my lap by heart was overflowing with love for him, when DD did it I had to pretend . It was horrible. But I focused on all the good things about her (and there are plenty) and how proud of her I am and slowly my feelings changed. Even now i don't feel quite the same. But maybe that's normal too - they are different people. I still overcompensate a little I think.

Coincidentally although I didn't have a difficult birth with her I did have PND and was on anti-Ds for a while. And until that point I loved her to bits. It was only afterwards it changed.

Also I now do have very strong loving feelings for him but they took a lot time to develop.

Well, I feel a lot better today about it all knowing that perhaps I'm not a freak of nature. And that things can be better and I can get some help.

Last night, DH reminded me of all the things I've done / do for my son. e.g. I've been fierce when he's been 'threatened' by other kids at soft play, I've been upset when he wasn't well. DH thinks this proves I love DS. I would be upset if he died. But I'd be upset if my MIL died and I certainly don't love her. I feel so differently to my other

But I just can't say I feel that bond. To me, it's not a big drama in the sense that I just get on with caring for him and looking out for his needs because if I didn't, well he'd scream and shout! He screams and shouts a lot anyway.

I've got an appointment at 3.40pm at the GPs. I don't like my GP but he's the only one available today. I wanted to carpe diem so to speak and so went with this appointment. I'm very very nervous about speaking about this in RL. They could want to take him away or something.

Good luck, you may find that you have a little PND. Incredibly brave, which shows you must love him to sort this out.

They WON"T want to take him away. By your own admission you are taking care of him. Be strong and let us know how the appointment goes.

Good luck. Hope you get some help.

That's great news - also that your dh is also telling you that by actions you show your protectiveness and bond with your ds .
I do hope the GP confounds expectations and turns out to be supportive and helpful.
Please let us know how you got on!

Oh well done - and no, of course they won't take him away! (remember i had the very same thoughts when i had PND with dd - although then i thought they would take me away!!!).

Go and see what that GP has to say and how he can help. If you are not completely satisfied make another app with another doctor when you are leaving.

I shall keep an eye out for your post this afternoon - sending you lots of hugs and good luck wishes

They won't take him away as he is loved by his dad and looked after well by you. It does sound like you have some attachment problems probably exacerbated or caused by the difficult birth. You are doing the right thing by getting help. If you left this and did not deal with it, your ds would suffer in the long run. A parent's indifference to a child is a very damaging thing long term. Aside from your feelings (or lack of) for your ds, how do you feel otherwise? Do you derive pleasure from life? If not depressed, you might find therapy useful. GPs are not always great resources for the latter, so you might need to shop around yourself and do some research. Good luck and I really hope things improve for yours and your son's sake.

Good luck with the docs. You have been very brave already, by talking about how you feel on here.

I find my 3-yr-old difficult to like sometimes, and tbh I always have. I 'click' with her little sis much more easily.

Don't worry, there is no way on earth they will want to take him away from you.

I'm pretty sure your GP will recognise it as a possible sign of pnd or post-birth trauma (tell him about the birth too).

Also maybe your DH has a point. maybe you do love DS, but it's deep down and you can't feel it because of other factors, such as pnd etc., or the daily difficulties you have with him. So this could be a journey towards finding it, instead of just having to admit to something horrible IYSWIM. If it helps you could say to the GP "of course I must love him but I just don't feel it, I find it hard to feel anything for him" etc.

Good luck seeing the GP. Wish I could send stout supporting arms for you!
Once you have got help I wonder if the sort of play adoptive families do to build strong attachments with their little ones would help you feel more confident of your love?
Best wishes Magso

Well done you , you obviously love him very much to do this for him.
I hope the doctor can give you the support you need.

Well done for making the appointment with the GP.
I hope it goes well.

Iknowitsnotnormal, THANKYOU for starting this thread. I know the incredible courage it must have taken as I have many times thought about starting a similar thread myself but have just not had the guts. I have read through most of the comments you have received and they have been very helpful to me. I do admit sometimes I am confused about how I do really feel about my DD who is nearly 5. Sometimes I definately don't like her and find her very very difficult to be around for any length of time. I am going to be brave and admit that at times I just find her boring, she talks nonstop and having to listen to her going on and on is soul destroying for me. Sometimes I feel like she is literally draining the life out of me with her nonstop talking.

Sorry think I'm going off at a tangent now.

But to get back to the point, for ages I was willing to admit to myself that I didn't like DD quite often but that I definately did love her. But just the other day I suddenly thought to myself, that's just not true. I don't love her, nor do i hate her, I just feel indifferent towards her, numb even. And that numb feeling was there throughout the whole pregnancy, at the birth, and ever since. I didn't have a difficult birth, but the pregnancy was very negative with my DH being unemployed for most of it, me being in a job I hated, and lots of other problems. The pregnancy itself was a shock and was unplanned. I also secretly was desperate for a boy not a girl. I didn't bond with DD whilst pregnant nor after the birth.

I have always done my best for her, looked after her, played with her etc, but it was all pretending and it still is as I feel nothing inside for her.

What makes it worse is that I also have DS who is 2 and I am absolutely besotted with him and have been since he was born and I think I formed an attachment to him when i was pregnant and found out at the scan that he was a boy.

I will be very interested to find out what your GP says. I know I'm not depressed, I am happy in every other way, I just seem to have no feelings whatsover for DD. I did not have a happy childhood myself and was never close to my own mother and I am seeing a counsellor about this who has helped loads. But resolving my own feelings about my mother do not seem to have helped improve my feelings about my DD as I thought they might.

Sorry for rambling and a bit of a thread hijack as well, when i saw your thread there was so much i wanted to say, i couldn't stop typing once I'd started.

Please post again after your appointment, if your GP is positive I might go and see my GP as well.

Just a few more points, I saw a programme on tv a while ago called 'Help Me Love My Baby' and it was about this whole issue. It featured about 3 mums all of whom bravely admitted on tv that they didn't love their babies. They all had therapy at a place called The Anna Freud Centre and for all of them their feelings towards their babies were closely connected to their relationships with their own mothers, all of which were unhappy and dysfunctional.

I still feel this way about my 7year old daughter.
I love her, I would be heartbroekn if anything happened to her but I never bonded with her the way I did my sons, it really hurts me, simple things like kissing ehr good night, I go and check on her and give her a kiss, but don't get the overwhelming need to squeeze her tight like I do the boys.
Sadly, I think our relationship wil always be different, I just hope I do a good enoguh job of raising her and showing her I do love her, just find it difficult.

I too have difficulties with my first child.
It isnt that I dont feel anything for her, I just find it very hard. My younger DD is a delight who makes us laugh all the time. DD1 is a serious child who fusses and worries all the time. We seem to do nothing but argue over stupid trivial stuff. She is 8 now. I really worry that she knows how hard I find it and if it makes her worse. She has started to come up to me with her arms outstretched for a cuddle. It just make me want to push her away. Which to my shame I often do.. I am a good mum in so many other ways but she brings out the worst in me.

Anyway sorry, I just wanted to help you be aware that you are most certainly not a freak. It is a normal part of human behaviour.
I hope your visit with the GP gets you on the right path for you and your DD.