Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Help with how to deal with inlaws

27 replies

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 06:59

So to set the scene my in-laws do my head in for various reasons but I bite my tongue and I am respectful. I try to speak to my husband but he just ignores me or won’t ever say anything to them. They always say passive aggressive things and it just drives me insane.

Neither of them work and haven’t for over 20 years now. They volunteer at charities to keep them self busy and there around 65 now. Our children are 4 and we rarely ask them to help out because it’s not worth the hassle. They have helped out in the past but we get what time are you going at, when will you be back but it’s more of a pressure questions like we don’t want to babysit longer than we have to. Now we just get messages like ‘I hope we are seeing the children this weekend’ where they expect us to bring them to them but never want to help or offer any support so we can have a break.

My mother who is the same age is absolutely a god send. She still works full time and of an evening too but she’s so helpful she offers to babysit all the time, she stays over once a week to help with my kids when I need to go to the office. It’s honestly like night and day.

We are looking to move soon probably out of town and my MIL is freaking out.. not sure why as she barely sees the kids anyway. Also I just found out I am pregnant again and she has been harassing me to ask if she can tell her friend I am pregnant even though I am nervous as I have had lots of miscarriages in the past. It’s like she loves to show off about the grandchildren but doesn’t want the hassle of helping out.

anyway what should I do? Should I say something or just leave it to my husband?

OP posts:

sorrynotathome · 23/03/2025 07:02

So really you only want them to be involved with your children if they are babysitting/helping you out?

Zapx · 23/03/2025 07:03

I’m not sure what you mean by “say something”. Are you planning on saying we’re leaving town because you don’t help us with babysitting?

Carseathelp · 23/03/2025 07:04

I don’t think you telling them what time you want them to baby sit is unreasonable.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy

DrummingMousWife · 23/03/2025 07:07

Don’t kick up. Move house and get on with your lives, you won’t change them and a family row will just make it all awkward. It sounds like you don’t rely on, so just keep some distance.

femfemlicious · 23/03/2025 07:07

Yeah, I don't think them asking what time ur back is wrong

Original poster

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 07:08

That’s not the case we see them all the time as a family buts always on there terms.

We are not leaving town because they don’t babysit we are leaving because we can get a better house for our money if we are moving further away.

I think we just need to have boundaries for example we aren’t here to bring the kids round to you when you want to see them. If you want to see them try to make more of an effort.

OP posts:

Screamingabdabz · 23/03/2025 07:12

So they ask questions when they babysit and your mil has asked permission to share your baby news because she’s excited? Yeah they sound like monsters. 🙄

Original poster

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 07:13

I think it’s more the way they ask as if like we really don’t want them long so hurry back. So we just don’t bother asking them anymore and pay for babysitting. Would just like to say we rarely go out maybe twice a year if that. I just think it’s sad that there missing out spending time with their grandchildren

OP posts:

Original poster

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 07:15

Just to add clarity I haven’t even told some of my family as we are nervous and she’s badgering to tell a stranger to me. Also it’s surely my news to share if I wanted the world to know I would post it on social media

OP posts:

SparklyGlitterballs · 23/03/2025 07:17

You're moaning about the ILs not helping out or babysitting 'to give you a break' (is it twins if more than one child is 4?) yet here you are bringing another child into the mix. You can't force people to have your children. Some GPs just want to visit with them for a short time, not be responsible for them alone, and that's fine, it's their boundary and you need to accept it gracefully. By all means ask them to come to you to see the DCs.

ValentinesGranny · 23/03/2025 07:19

You should meet my in laws if you think yours are monsters...

Original poster

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 07:21

If they said to us straight than that would be fine. But when we get other babysitters they say why didn’t you ask us? But when we do they make things super difficult by taking ages to respond to requests or just saying they can’t do certain dates so we just don’t bother anymore as it’s not worth the hassle.

I think your right I just think we need boundaries by where if they want to see the grandchildren they need to wait until were available and not demand we bring to them. Plus respect our decision to move is right for our family.

OP posts:

MrsPatrickDempsey · 23/03/2025 07:23

Sorry -Grandparents are not entitled to help you out.

Original poster

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 07:25

I didn’t say they were. I have survived 4 years without them. And I’m not entitled to ferry my kids around like their show pieces at their becon call.

OP posts:

saraclara · 23/03/2025 07:29

Do you ever invite them to your house? Then you wouldn't need to 'ferry' your kids to them.

I'm not seeing a big deal here.

MrsPatrickDempsey · 23/03/2025 07:32

So they want to see your children but on their terms?? Just trying to understand....

Original poster

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 07:35

Yes that’s right

OP posts:

TillyTrifle · 23/03/2025 07:37

Sorry but agree with others - this doesn’t sound bad. Not all grandparents are the type to want/be able to run around being hands on and playing more of a babysitter/carer role. Some just want to spend time with the kids and it doesn’t come with a big pay off of ‘help’ or a ‘break’ for the parents. That doesn’t mean they’re doing anything wrong.

The way you word it, saying things like ferrying your kids around at their beck and call, makes you sound very resentful about what’s quite a normal activity of taking your kids to see their grandparents. If it isn’t convenient just say sorry no not this weekend. Really don’t see the big issue here 🤷‍♀️

Doidontimmm · 23/03/2025 07:39

Maybe they find it tiring and therefore want you to know how long they are babysitting for hence asking times & maybe they have a life hence not answering straight away?

How about wording request such as are you free next Saturday between 12 & 3 to watch the kids? Can you let me know by tonight as otherwise we can ask Babysitter name.

Then you have already said the times and given a deadline!

Original poster

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 07:44

I think it’s just the way they word things as if we’re withholding them from them. I have always said our door is open if they ever want to come over. They have other children that don’t have kids and they just pop over there. My MIL is always dog sitting my BIL dog and helping him with the dog.

I think it’s best that I let my OH handle his parents and if we wants to bring the kids to them then he just manages that side of things.

OP posts:

Screamingabdabz · 23/03/2025 07:48

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 07:25

I didn’t say they were. I have survived 4 years without them. And I’m not entitled to ferry my kids around like their show pieces at their becon call.

If they such elusive and pointless people in your life why are you mithering so much? Just do what you want. Move house. Leave them to it. And the friend problem is fine, say “I’d rather you didn’t share my baby news yet until I’ve had the 12 week scan.” (Although why it matters that Carol down the road knows anything as she probably barely cares…)

I think no matter what the in laws did you wouldn’t like them. The way you paint your mother as a saint and them as problematic seems a bit off. I suspect your mil is ‘freaking out’ because she’s anxious of losing any contact and there is a history of you being cold to them and her son being wet. Tale as old as time.

Original poster

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 08:00

I don’t think my husband is like that he always makes an effort to see them if anything we probably see his family more than mine.

Your probably right I have been cold with them I think the years of sarky comments and my husband always siding with them hasn’t helped. But I honestly think my husband wouldn’t detach them from his life so I don’t think they need to worry.

Yes perhaps I paint my mother as saint because compared to my in-laws she is. My mum is completely selfless and always puts her family first so sometimes it’s only natural to make comparisons. It would be no difference if someone at work put no effort in and someone went over and above.

OP posts:

Doidontimmm · 23/03/2025 09:25

Your mum is probably worried about losing contact with the kids if she doesn’t act like she does if you are complaining about the in laws to her. It sounds like you take advantage of her good nature . She must be exhausted.

SandyY2K · 23/03/2025 09:30

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 07:25

I didn’t say they were. I have survived 4 years without them. And I’m not entitled to ferry my kids around like their show pieces at their becon call.

Leave your ur husband to say anything that needs to be said.

I don't actually think you need to say anything at all tbh. You're moving to get a better house for your money.

He can let his parents know they're always welcome to visit. If he decides he wants to take the kids on his own or you don't want to go, let him do so and you can have a break.

Original poster

BubblePug1985 · 23/03/2025 09:37

Honestly don’t be ridiculous. I had my kids later in life and my dad died when I was 23 I looked after my mum and spent all my free time with her I have an incredible bond with her. I take her on holidays, when she retires I am buying her house as she can’t afford to retire otherwise. So maybe don’t make silly judgements.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2