Ex partner thinks I should stop co sleeping

[bigfacthunter]

I have DS (4) 90% of the time. He has his own room but refuses to sleep in it. I either have to sit with him in his own room until he drifts off until he wakes at 1am, shouts the house down and storms through to my bed. By now I’m just tired of the whole thing and I don’t even bother to put him in his bed. I think he’s so little, if he wants to sleep with me why not because before long he’ll be a teenager and not want to be seen dead with me.

My ex thinks I should be putting him to bed in his own bed, he thinks this behaviour is what makes him super clingy with me in general (I disagree, I think he’s “clingy” with me because he’s only four and I’m his caregiver for 90% of the time).

what do you think? Should I go back to trying to put him to bed? I’m so exhausted at the thought of it, the last four months or so is the first unbroken sleep I’ve got in almost 5 years. But maybe I am not doing us or him any favours.

Plenty of 4yos cosleep. You do what your child needs and that’s the end of it. My ds co slept at 4yo. He needed it. Well he’s off at uni now, so clearly not clingy and co sleeping.

It's totally normal imo. My 3 all slept in my bed at that age, on and off.

Tell 10% Dad that it’s none of his bloody business how you parent your child in his absence. You don’t have to justify yourself to him at all.

Ignore him. It’s perfectly normal DS wants to sleep with you, especially if there’s been the upheaval of his parents splitting up. You’re meeting his needs in the best way you can and maximising yours and his sleep.

This. Inform Mr 10% that his thoughts are none of your concern.

For him being such an absent parent maybe just stick to a parenting app, then you don't need to read his texts or hear his voice. Win/win.

Just ignore. How you parent is none of his business. He should focus on his parenting shortfalls.

Totally normal. I slept in my DD (3) but 90% of the week. 10% she will sleep through but we always do cuddles and stories to fall asleep.

It wont hurt im in the long term. My eldest pretty much co slept until he started school. He's now 7.5 years and although we still love to cuddle and read stories to go to bed he has no issues sleeping in his own bed on his own every night now.

Edit to add: Also as he is your ex he has no right to impact anything on your time. How you parent (as long as it is safe) is entirely up to you.

My Ex does this. Makes my DD feel very conscious about it. I just say “What goes on in this house nothing to do with Daddy, just the same as what happens in Daddy’s housenis nothing to do with us”. She doesn’t even sleep over at his house!

Carry on as you are. Children - as you say - will soon grow up to be teenagers who will cross the street to avoid you. Enjoy the comfort and cuddles. Your ex can shove his 10% token parenting up his arse.

I co sleep with my 4yo every night. I was the same as you - traumatised by getting up at all hours to try to sooth her back to sleep. Co sleeping is a god send!

Your decision what happens at your house.

For when you’re both ready, I stopped cosleeping by having a small double bed in my children’s room. First I would sleep with them in their room, then I would just stay until they went to sleep and then leave, then I would do bed time routine and leave for 10 mins to do jobs and then come back, increasing the length of time and saying they can fall asleep with out me but I will be back at my bedtime and then just doing bedtime routine, leaving them and not going back to sleep in their bed. Each stage lasted from weeks to months depending on how it went.

This. Tell him your house is none of his business.

Wanker I assume?

This is exactly how I feel. I think he’s “clingy” because he needs extra reassurance from me, not less. He’s been through a lot of change the last couple of years.

This is excellent advice thank you

I would do the same in your shoes. Cosleeping will help your DS feel more secure and so be less clingy

Thanks for all this advice, and also for backing me up. I have had zero boundaries so far re parenting “input”, harbouring a fantasy of us being a united family front across two homes. But yes he is on the whole a bit of a twat so I’m starting to think this dream is dead!

One pf the utter joys of divorcing an arsehole is not having to care about their opinion (or them) at all.

I still remember that feeling, it was like a light switch. 'Oh you're not my problem any more.'

Agree with this !
Plus pps saying it’s normal. It is. Work on the principle that whatever gets the most people the most sleep is the way to go. The world over, small children sleep in with their parents.

What a controlling bully he sounds. He is obviously finding bedtime hard at his house and wants to blame and control you.
You need a stock phrase on repeat-
'This works for him and for us when he's with here, but your views are noted.' Use it like a broken record and/or ignore.

None of his business. He's only dipping in and out, 10% is pretty laughable. He can voice his opinions more when he actually does 50/50 and made up the time he's lost. So realistically never . But he shouldn't be sticking his nose in

It's amazing isn't it! With their annoying habits and opinions. That's before you even get to their family

Nonsense. We still co sleep with DS9.

Totally normal. DD2 came into my bed every night until she was about 6 and just suddenly stopped. Meant we all got some sleep!

4 is still very little. Small children are still on an evolutionary programming of stay close or get eaten by predators. I imagine he will grow out of it and not still be clinging to you at 14. Tell his dad to get stuffed.

Sorry op I don’t agree- he’ll be starting school in a year or so, the sleep routine is something that would be better being sorted soon. (I know it’s so hard honestly)