Sleepover at MIL

[Mum2be0523]

Im just after some other people’s opinions. Im a single Mum as partner has very sadly passed away. Im a devoted Mum and as you can imagine just want to be with my little boy and not be on my own.

recently I was put in the awkward position of my MIL stating to my sister in law that she is doing a bedroom out there ready for sleepovers which my SIL passed onto me. Its immediately sent my anxiety raging as I think this is beyond disrespectful to even do this. Im certainly not letting my little boy sleep there and certainly not any time soon I would never sleep in my house on my own and not now for sure so im not sure why she would do this. I also think it was done in a symbolic way as though to say iv done a bedroom as he will be sleeping with us. Im not sure if anyone else feels this way but im just not for sleepovers and I certainly wont be letting my little boy sleep there not now or probably ever, its just a boundary that I wont be crossing, she also never really looks after him to suggest that id let him sleep there is a little confusing? and I wished shes discussed this with me so I could have told her not to waste her money on doing a bedroom. Does anyone else feel like they

I'm sorry for your loss op.

I think there's a few things here. Firstly- I personally am with you on being very wary of sleepovers since I work in safeguarding. You don't say how old your child is but I'm guessing they are very young from the way you've written about them? That being said, it did stand out for me that you said you wouldn't sleep at home on your own. This is completely understandable given the loss you've been through, but I do think it's worth saying that this is something you will need to deal with so it doesn't hold your child back from life experiences - but that is something you can do with time as it sounds like your loss is very fresh still.

The other thing I wondered about is whether she's thinking this will be a way to help you out so you aren't left holding everything alone. I'm a lone parent too and it's hard going but I also absolutely love it at the same time and others don't always understand that and presume I need more help than I actually do or what that help looks like. It's also possible that she's struggling with the loss of her son and is maybe subconsciously thinking that this is a way for her to be close to someone who's very connected to him again. Does your SIL have children or is this referring purely to your child? If she has children then I'd let MIL work away and SILs kids can have sleepovers and you just hold your boundary. If SIL has no kids and this is just for your child's benefit then really MIL has made a unilateral decision and yes probably wasted money but that's her own fault for not communicating with you, but then she's maybe not in her best place and this has been a distraction project for her. So again I'd just be holding my boundary. If she asks just say "thank you for offering, we don't feel ready for sleepovers yet and to be honest probably won't for quite some time but I will let you know when we are" and leave it at that. I haven't had a bereavement but recently a horrible separation and knowing how to juggle in laws in the midst of such a big change can be really tricky so just go easy on yourself. Are you getting any support like bereavement counselling? At the start I felt like I was coping very well doing everything by myself and going through all the motions to keep on top of everything but you can quickly burn out.

I'm so sorry for your loss. But she lost her son, too. So his child is going to mean SO much to her.

It's very normal for children to have sleepovers with their grandparents, so I don't think it's a terrible thing for her to plan, at all. And it's far from disrespectful.
But if you're not ready and your loss is what's making it harder for you to let go of your child for a night, I do understand. And hopefully your MIL will too.

I hope you're getting support with your fear of being alone, because your child will need you to let go at some point in the future. To be able to do what other kids do, and not have an over protective mum.

Your MIL has done nothing wrong, but you need to share your present feelings with her, gently.

Your mil has lost her son. Maybe she feels that she would be close to him again if your boy stayed with her sometimes.
But she should have spoken with you about it all.

Can you both stay?

I feel for you OP. The fact that she doesn't really look after him, and seems to want to jump straight in to overnights, would make me wary. I'd want her to make the time and effort to gain DC's trust and get to know him very well before thinking of having him overnight.
As PPs have said, she has lost her son, which is beyond tragic. I'd want her to establish a close and consistent relationship whatever has happened, because that's what's best for DC.

For your own sake nip it in the bud now.

Hi mil, it's lovely you have sorted out a bedroom for ds to sleep in when he's older... I'll let you know when that works for us but for now I am happy having ds at home with me.
Love op.

She is his nan? How old is your son?
Is there any concerns about her?
Do you visit her?
What is their relationship like?

Sorry for your loss, OP. I would try to put this out of your mind. Nothing has come from your MIL directly so she may not be thinking of suggesting sleepovers to you anytime soon. If and when she does, tell her how you feel and explain that you’d like to stay with your son. The likelihood is that believes she is being helpful and has no idea of the anxiety you’re feeling.

Having sleepovers with granny is totally normal. It’s really, really sad that your partner has died, and I’m so sorry for your loss. But don’t let that interfere with your child’s relationships with the rest of his family (in fact, it makes it all the more important that he has these strong bonds).

Hi thank you all for your lovely replies. I think your right in just stating my boundaries straight up will be the best way forward and equally im causing myself significant anxiety in a situation that hasnt even happened yet.

Re the comments about not holding my son back because of my own issues. Unfortunately regardless of my partner passing away as difficult as some may find this I probably would not have let him sleep there even if he was here as its just something im not comfortable with and probably never will be and this isnt because shes not a nice person she’s lovely but I just wouldn’t want him sleeping there. Whilst I am devastated she has had to loose her son this still doesn’t change my feelings in any way with him ever staying there and if im honest same for my own mother I just dont ever see that need for him to need to stay there especially as we are now on our own

thank you for the support x

I think your right in just stating my boundaries straight up will be the best way forward and equally im causing myself significant anxiety in a situation that hasnt even happened yet.

Please tread carefully here OP, you've all suffered a terrible loss and she hasn't even mentioned the bedroom to you, she has lost her son and may have found it therapeutic and proactive to do something positive in the house. The fact that your child is a boy may have more significance than you think to her grieving process, is it your partners old bedroom or anything like that? It could be her way of trying to move on while thinking she is doing something that may benefit you in the future.

I personally wouldn't bring this up until she does, she may never ask, if it is something that is really bothering you in the meantime then maybe have a chat but please go into it with an open mind, in a few years you may be grateful of a relationship with her, and the relationship she can have with your child, especially if she is lovely as you say, but laying down the law on something that she isn't even pushing for could really harm your relationship, perhaps tell her how you feel about being alone, she may not have even considered that.

My MIL has always wanted our DD to stay overnight, it's not something we have ever needed, so she occasionally mentions it and I gently bat it into the long grass, but they are fantastic grandparents, I love them like parents now and that is in large part to seeing how much they adore her and how much she loves them.. it would be awful to lose a connection like that down to a misunderstanding during the fog of grief.

Like everyone else, I am really sorry for your loss. You must be devastated.

We don't know how recent this bereavement was, and we don't know how old your ds is, but, 'never say never' is a good rule to have.

Your MiL has lost her son. That is also massive. You will both need to work out how your relationship with each other and the relationship between your dc and her evolve as time unfolds.

It is really important you don't limit your son's development though because you don't want to be alone in the house - that really isn't fair on him. Of course, if he is still a baby, that is different from if he is 7 or 8. There will be times when he is offered opportunities through school or Cubs or other things he wants to do. Please don't stop him.

Op I'm guessing your very recently bereaved its all still very new and raw. Sorry for your loss. Don't say anything about it. But it's important DC keeps in touch with his Dads family too.

MIL is probably being driven by sorting the room out is something positive and hope for the future and enables her to support you.

MIL will be recognising you have a very long road in front of you. And your going to need support bringing your DC up.
Whether it's a regular stays over at Granny's once a week or if it's the occasional once in a few months so you get a break or a night out with friends.

She's not going to want to take your DC from you but she's most definitely not going to want to loose touch with your or the wee bit of her son she has left either.

Op how old is your DC?
I'm guessing very young - baby / nursery age?

Don't say no never, Say maybe in the future but you aren't ready yet. There will come a day when you need a break, have stuff to do, or just need a break.
And you'll be grateful for MIL having a suitable room.

I am sorry for your loss

Could you stay over with her, or she come and stay with you?

Will you let your little one do cub camps, school residential, sleepovers with mates when old enough?

Sorry for your loss, op. I'd wait for her to raise it with you and firmly state that it won't be happening any time soon but you'll let her know when you're ready. Also, consider if you'd be happier staying there with him too? Is that a good compromise? Or can you invite her to stay occasionally at your house? Whilst you're not responsible for making her happy it may be nice for your ds to see her and if you're there too then you may feel much more comfortable about it.

I think a frank conversation needs to happen… “I’ve heard this, and while I think it’s great you have a project, you need to know there won’t be sleepovers. They’re far too little, etc…”

No it doesn't. MIL hasn't said a word about this, and OP going in heavy handed based on hearsay will be damaging and hurtful.

MIL can decorate her home however she likes, and the room can be a playroom or whatever if OP doesn't give permission for sleepovers when MIL does ask.

I'm not sure what SIL's purpose was in telling OP this. But all involved are grieving someone they loved deeply, so frank conversations that start "I've heard that you .." and aren't strictly necessary yet, are dangerous territory.

It's really normal and healthy for children to sleep over with grandparents, other family and when they are older, friends. If you don't allow sleepovers you'll have a child like one my DS knows who has never slept away from his parents at 16 and won't go on school trips, to parties or anywhere. If you have an emergency one day and need him to stay overnight it will be much better for him if it feels like a fun and safe thing to do than a scary one. And at some point you'll want a social life which might not involve him!

I appreciate right now you don't want to be away from him and that's fine: but MIL hasn't done anything wrong and at some point you'll be grateful for her help. Don't push her away.

I'm sorry for your very sad situation. I do think you're being unreasonable though. Some of my favourite memories are having sleepovers at my grandparents. They were really precious times. It would be a shame if you stood in the way of his bond with his grandparents.
I'm concerned that you say you will never sleep in your house alone. That's not healthy and it's very unfair to put that responsibility on your son. What about school trips, sleepovers with friends etc??
You can't depend on being with your son as a way to cope with hour anxiety. That's not fair on him. You need to find ways to cope without him.
You should also have some empathy for your in-laws who've lost their child. Spending quality time with their grandson is important and will help them feel connected to their son. Don't deprive them of this.
I've always suffered anxiety but I know it's my problem to deal with. I don't want it to affect others.

You don't seem to have reason for denying sleepovers. I think it's very sad to deny it for your son and for them. OK to say no for now, but why not in the future? Will you deny sleepovers with friends too, school trips? You can't hold him back from living a full life.

Really sorry for your loss. I think however you are seeing this through your grief and not about what’s best for your son.

I absolutely loved sleepovers with my grandparents. Truly one of the most significant memories of my childhood. It doesn’t take away from your love and care as a parent. It’s a bonus on top of it all. I would love my dc to be able to have those same sleepovers now. Unfortunately, I am NC with my family and my MIL is married to a man who is not allowed contact with children, so we cannot even visit her house and my dc do not have unsupervised contact with her. If you have a loving engaged grandmother, thank your lucky stars.

Fundamentally, this is about what’s best for your dc. As long as she is safe (not abusive, no substance use problems), your dc will benefit from overnights with her on occasion. His job is not to keep you company or make sure you never sleep alone. That’s putting an adult responsibility on a child, who has already suffered the loss of his dad, and will be really damaging for him if you carry on. You carry the adult stuff, including the loss and the sadness of being alone. Assuming he’s the right age, say a preschooler and up rather than a baby, let him be a child and have fun.

His job is not to keep you company or make sure you never sleep alone

Yes, I know that this is straying from your OP, but the line about you never sleeping alone, really bothered me.

You've obviously been through some trauma, and I hope you're getting some support regarding parenting after such a loss.

But back to the OP, please don't overreact to the decorating of the room. Wait until she mentions it, and just very quietly say that at this point you really can't cope with the idea of your child being away from you. That you know she understands that you are trying to work through your grief, but you just can't do this yet. There's no need to say that it's a forever decision. Just be gentle.

My DGDs first sleepover with me, was with her mum. My DD left us to it in the evening so that we had focused GM/DGD time, but she slept over too (in that case it was a planned transition to the first full sleepover a few weeks later). Maybe that's an option?

Totally agree.

Grief will lessen, Op has a long road in front of her, I have watched someone close go through similar.

Everyone needs a night out now and again or a bit of ME time and a lone parent is no different.
While going to a gym class, night in a pub or going for a hair cut, might be the last thing on Ops mind right now. That doesn't mean to say she won't feel different in a years time.

Even if Op was ill nasty cold or whatever able to ask Granny to take the kid for a night could be a blessing. There will come a day when Op will be grateful for that room at Grannies.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

Your DS will face growing up now without his father which is heartbreaking. You are clearly in a fog of grief right now but you should really look to help your DS build strong and healthy bonds with other family members to help fill that void a bit. You may also appreciate the support in the future.

Our children aren’t our possessions. One of the greatest gifts you can give as a mother is to allow him to love and be loved by as many people as possible.