No family help. Tell me it gets easier

[Pitstop1986]

I have a 3 year old and a 16 month old. I have no help from family. Both me and DH work. He works late mon-thurs. I work wed-fri, so kids are in nursery weds and Thurs when we both work and I have them Monday and Tuesday and DH has them Friday and we are both with them at the weekend.

We have no family nearby to watch the kids and so very rarely get a night off, just the two of us. The youngest doesn't sleep through the night, and is a very clingy/needy/wingy child. It's so full on and it's killing me slowly inside. I've spoken to DH and he suggested (although we can't afford it) to put them in childcare and extra morning or day per week, so that i can get some me time, but after getting in touch with nursery, the waiting list for that extra day is pretty long, so won't come about in the near future.

I'm just burnt out and I don't know how I'm supposed to fill my cup. Me and DH get one lie in/morning off each Saturday or Sunday each, but one morning isn't enough.

I don't have friends. I struggle making friends, which adds another dimension.

Could you both arrange a night each month where you get a babysitter and go out? It could be a free/low cost activity (like a museum or cinema with 2-1 tickets/tastecard tickets), or something like going out for dinner. People on your town's local facebook group will have recommendations of babysitters and the rates they charge so you have an idea of price.
That gives you something to look forward to/a date to know you'll get somewhat of a break each month

A babysitter makes a big difference. Go out once a month as a couple.
And go to bed early. Boring but it does help.

I have a very clingy 23 month, and a 3yr 3 month old. No local family either.

Partner with them Fri, me Tues & Fri, nursery Wed & thurs.

I'm surprised you get one morning off a week tbh. I go out one evening a week (in reality every other week) rock climbing, much later than I'd like to, but partner isn't home until 6.50ish. But no morning off ever really. Tho, I guess we'll both either go do some diy project or gardening for a couple of hours and send the kids to the park with the other

Having our first child free evening out in 3.5yrs in the summer at a gig, which we booked 2hrs away so family can look after the kids 😀

No advice just solidarity. Tho, definitely get out when you're with the kids. We go to playgroups Tues & soft play Fridays

They are still really young and these are hard ages OP. It will get easier, I promise.

It won't be easier even when the youngest is 3-3.5 maybe by 4 it will be.

I think you need to put them in nursery on one of your days off.

I can completely relate. We were in a very similar situation - both of us worked 4 days a week, child in nursery 3 days and then we both looked after him one day each. At weekends, we also did same as you and I got a lie in on a Sat, my partner on a Sun. That Sat morning was in many ways my favourite time of the week. We only had/have a night out together around 3 times a year when my parents visit. But actually what I would have really benefitted from would have been the regular 'couple of hours on a Sat afternoon' help that some of my friends had from their parents. I felt we never got a mental of physical break, it was all 100% on the 2 of us. Now our son is 5 and in reception it's both easier and harder. Less full on day to day but school is harder to juggle work with than nursery. My sibling lives close to our parents and has daily help from them (school pick up etc). If I'd been in that situation I'd maybe have considered a second child. But in our situation, with family hundreds of miles away, I knew one was my limit from very early on. I am fortunate to have supportive friends - some of the most important in my life at the moment are those that I've met through my son.

We had no family help either. There were times it was just so overwhelming, and I had a bigger gap.

Hang in there, it does get easier. I found lowering expectations of a clean, tidy home and cooked from scratch dinners every night helped.

Getting out and about with the kids helped too, swimming was my go to for getting them knackered so we could chill watching tv.

Thanks for the replies. At least there are others who feel like me.

I get so jealous of seeing people on Facebook with kids the same age as mine and they are out once/twice per week, getting their hair/nails/etc done and absolutely loving motherhood and I'm thinking maybe it's me?

But actually, they are getting time away from their kids and that's probably why they are loving motherhood so much more than me. I'm just drained of everything, whereas they're regularly getting breaks because grandma, grandad, auntie, best friend are taking the kids off them

Remember that most if us aren't out twice a week. FB isn't the real world. At all.

What @MumChp says. I was in such a hole there were times I felt envious of fictional characters in the DCs bedtime stories who seemed to have a better time than I ever did! Comparison really is the thief of joy.

My Facebook actually gives the impression that my life is much more fun than it is.
You shouldn't use social media as a truth for people's lives. It isn't.
The first years are hard for many families. It's a lot of just carry on and do the best you can.

@MumChp this is honestly the hardest thing that I've ever done, and I was in the army prior to getting pregnant!

At least with basic training/exercises/deployment, etc in the army, you know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. With motherhood, I can never see a break. It feels like this is my life now, forever!

It does get better. I promise.

It’s hard but definitely gets easier.
I get it… single Mum of 4 - eldest is 19 and youngest is 18 months. I have no family (all passed away by the time I was 29) and my children have no one except me.

I pay a babysitter a couple of times a fortnight / month to just get that breather for me, otherwise I would go insane. She is my childminder, and I found her when I moved 2 hours from my home town, with knowing no one. I don’t have any friends either, so in the summer go and sit in the sun somewhere with a book and coffee and read, or in the winter, just potter round late opening shops having a look without the stress of worrying.

I work full time too, and am constantly rushing around cooking, cleaning, washing etc, so this time is much needed. I still find it a struggle and very very lonely, but I know it will get easier.

I have 3 children, 9,5 and 10 months. We have no family or help either and I juggle night shifts and looking after the kids and date nights just don’t exist in our lives. Some weeks can feel relentless and then other weeks are more manageable. You just have to find the joy in the little things and as annoying as it sounds it won’t be forever (although I curse people saying that to me). Parenting can be overwhelming and there’s never a day off but if you are your husband are around at the weekend then there is every opportunity to get your hair done, go shopping or plan something for yourself every now and then. These are the things that help you through. And like everyone said, ignore facebook. I look like I’m enjoying every minute of motherhood when in reality I’m crumpling because one of them having a tantrum. It’s easy to post a few pictures of your ‘perfect’ life!

Most of the posts on mumsnet complain about grandparents. Put the children in nursery another day ASAP.

No family help here. TBH I am quite happy with that, as I think it always comes with strings and we are free from unwanted comments and interference!

We are in a slightly easier situation as we have a bigger age gap, DH works 9-5 and I wfh pt, so I get a few hours time for myself when youngest is in nursery and eldest is in school. It was very hard when I didn't have that free time (and I'm definitely looking forward to when both are in school!) DH and I don't have date nights, we'd find a babysitter a bit uncomfortable, but we've enjoyed the odd time together on holiday when they've been in clubs (definitely recommend a holiday with some kids clubs if you can afford it).

It will definitely get easier once they are older - you can drop them off at activities and birthday parties at weekends! Your older one should be able to go to some drop off classes at weekends now, then at least you'd just have one child to deal with. Also see if there is a leisure centre with creche that you could put them in, they can be quite cheap if it's a council one. You usually have to stay on site but you can just sit in the sauna or cafe.

Pay for a sitter? Ime no it doesn’t get easier till they are teens and can be left alone which is a long way off but I’m a single parent with no family help so you are doing better than some (my ex doesn’t see the kids)

It does get easier. Get them on the waiting list for a bit more time in nursery - even if it takes ages to come through. And there might be a cancellation or something that comes up.

I have teens now so can barely remember that time, but it was seriously intense. And we
had childcare for 4 days a week so we had time off at work, as it were! No family nearby at all and no close friends for any childcare sharing. We didn’t get any going out time. But it does get a little easier for one of you to have both children and give a bit of space to the other - I still remember a heady morning out without the kids going shopping in next town for a few hours! Hang on in there.

Hang in there OP, it will get easier as they become more independent. When they are young the relentless 24/7 nature of parenting can be overwhelming.

One thing I miss is that 'Friday night feeling' since having my son. Thursday is the end of my working week now but my 3 days off don't feel like a break from work, and my partner does work Fridays, so there isn't a Thurs night feeling equivalent!

I hear you OP. No solutions you sound like you are doing everything you can. I hope you get the place on the waitlist.

I could have written this! Mine are the same ages and the youngest wakes every hour of the night at the moment. While we don’t get couple time together I’ve started finding things I want to do on my own for now and that is really helping me mentally. So once a weekend I’ll go out for a run while my husband has them, and on a Monday evening when they’re in bed even though I usually prioritise sleep most nights, I’ve started a new hobby out of the house which I’m really enjoying!

Our 3 year old sleeps amazingly so I’m hoping it’s not too much longer until the youngest improves and we can get a babysitter. Until then the odd takeaway and films on the sofa are about as date night as we get!

If you have them an extra day every week and presumably are doing bedtime every night during the week when Dh works, then take more time at the weekends. You already put in more time. Have a couple weeks when you have a weekend day to yourself or book yourself a weekend away. Dh can do the kids.

You have to take the time for yourself, no one will just offer it up. Unless you are a single parent, there’s no reason you can’t get your nails done or have a spa day or take a class or have a quiet day at the beach with no kids.

Dh and I have never had any family help. We both do hobbies and sports we enjoy. We have a few weekends away a year (alone or with friends, not each other). I’ve had many a spa day. You just have to book it in with each other and support each other to recharge. For time together, we’d make Friday and Saturday ‘date nights’ where we had a nice grown up meal together after dc went to bed.

We had no help. Paid for a babysitter when we could.

I would suggest 2 morning sessions of nursery at those ages, then they’ll sleep afterwards and you’ll get the benefit of having time to do stuff while they’re in nursery, and time to just sit with a cup of tea while they’re napping. Don’t limit yourself to just one nursery, contact a few and also reach out to childminders in your area too. Some part-time childcare will make a huge difference to your mental wellbeing, and if you’re flexible and only looking for p/t, you’ll probably find a random morning space may free up as children move rooms in nursery. The end of the school year is usually a time to that childminders have spaces that free up. In the meantime, while you are contacting nurseries for spaces, ask the nursery manager if any of the girls do evening babysitting. Many do it as an extra, cash in hand job. You both need time away from the children and house. One evening out a month will help you loads. I know from experience it seems such hard work to get ready, get the kids to bed, tidy up for someone coming when you’re tired, but once you’re out the front door you’ll instantly feel better for it.