No family help. Tell me it gets easier

[Pitstop1986]

I have a 3 year old and a 16 month old. I have no help from family. Both me and DH work. He works late mon-thurs. I work wed-fri, so kids are in nursery weds and Thurs when we both work and I have them Monday and Tuesday and DH has them Friday and we are both with them at the weekend.

We have no family nearby to watch the kids and so very rarely get a night off, just the two of us. The youngest doesn't sleep through the night, and is a very clingy/needy/wingy child. It's so full on and it's killing me slowly inside. I've spoken to DH and he suggested (although we can't afford it) to put them in childcare and extra morning or day per week, so that i can get some me time, but after getting in touch with nursery, the waiting list for that extra day is pretty long, so won't come about in the near future.

I'm just burnt out and I don't know how I'm supposed to fill my cup. Me and DH get one lie in/morning off each Saturday or Sunday each, but one morning isn't enough.

I don't have friends. I struggle making friends, which adds another dimension.

It gets better as the kids get older. Every half a year is usually a small win.

Where could you get an hour for yourself to go out? Longer lunch out when it’s your workday? Or one morning for yoga while your husband prepares the kids for the day?

I’d advise to go to toddler groups when you’re with your kids so you can talk to other parents, even if it feels daunting. Don’t be alone in it all.

I don’t have any family help or much paid help. Older child has 15 hours funded. Younger child is with me 24-7.

im a sahm but what’s helped me is making mum friends I have a friend who I can now drop the toddler at for an hour to go to a medical appt or dentist. She will then do the same with her toddler to me. So I’ve found a way to get small hours or alone time a couple of times a month.

i don’t worry about the family not being near, its never a guarantee

Just wanted to comment about social media. If
you looked at mine you would see lots of lovely days out and fun things with the kids. That probably accounts for ten percent of our time! I don’t post the bed time battles, the tantrums, the endless housework and meal prep. I am exhausted most of the time but you wouldn’t know from my social media

Can you not schedule time for gym, nails or whatever you want to do before/after work, especially the day where your husband has the kids so you don't have to rush home?

Most parents of very young children have lives like this. Mine are adults now, most women didn’t go back to daytime work till the children went to school. The children were with me all the time. I had an evening job once a week, my husband did the same to pay for a holiday once a year. I had no car, my parents babysat once or twice a year. The thing that made it bearable was a group of mum friends made through toddler groups etc., and an informal babysitting circle (although we didn’t have the money to go out for meals etc. anyway). I spent a lot of time drinking coffee or having picnics with these mums and it was fun mostly. I honestly don’t know if women have it better or worse these days, they’re juggling child rearing and work but get a respite of a kindwhen children are in nursery. It’s hard work in the early years, but it does get better.

I don't have an answer but just wanted to really encourage you to find a way to spend a bit of time kid-free with your husband - even spending some money on it every couple of months as a priority. My husband and I never figured that part out and our relationship has really struggled for it. We are immigrants so have never had any help, we both work full time and it's just been pretty 100% all the time. It's obviously easier to find little gaps of time as they get older, but it's still not easy.

Bless you, you’re right in the thick of it right now. It will get easier.

I became a single mum when my twins were 4 months old, and stayed that way until they were 6 years that old. Family all dead except a sister who lives in another country. I didn’t have a lie in for about 4.5 years. My DTs did not sleep through until they started school. It damn near broke me, so I really sympathise.

I’m not giving you my story to make you feel you’ve got it easier, but to paint the picture for some tips that helped me - because if I could implement them, you can too.

The main one is go to bed early whenever you get the chance. You’re not going to get lie ins and actually they may make you feel worse because they throw out your body clock. Just accept get up time
is get up time (in my case somewhere between 5 and 6) and catch up on sleep at other times. At least once a week I went to bed immediately after putting down the twins. Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by watching TV, or going on the internet because we feel so cheated of me time we feel we’re going to lose out on child-free time if we go to bed - but me time is meaningless if you’re too tired to enjoy it. Sleep is more important.

Eat well and take regular exercise. Underlying fitness has a huge influence over energy and our ability to cope with pressure.

Maximise time-saving opportunities. If cooking spaghetti bolognese, make several meals worth and freeze them. Do this as much as possible when you cook. Means when you’re tired you can just microwave it and catch up on some rest or relaxation while still eating well and avoiding crap food that leaves you feeling even more tired.

Make sure DH is pulling his weight in terms of housework. As it was just me Ian’s the DTs this was easy for me - the only mess was what I made or allowed. Had I had to tidy up after another adult I’d have lost my shit completely.

Insist on a few hours for yourself to do something you enjoy - if it’s something that makes you feel fulfilled so much the better. Mine was running, so once or twice a week I’d ask a friend to be in the house after I’d put the DTs to bed so I could run. Only 45 minutes but saved my sanity. The rest of the time when I didn’t have a sitter, I’d skip with a rope in the kitchen. Point was it was for me - not the DC or another adult, just me. Could be painting, walking, karate, flower arranging -anything that makes you feel like a person in your own right, not ‘just’ a mother or wife.

Make sure you have a safe space to leave them where you know they can’t harm themselves and let them get on with it. I had a giant wooden playpen that practically filled my living room. When it all got too much I’d pop them in there and go into the kitchen for a cup of tea and 10 mins peace and quiet. Children won’t die from boredom or frustration at not having their every need met instantly. This helped me massively. You don’t need to be a perfect mum just a good mum most of the time and a pretty mediocre one the rest. As long as you’re not neglectful or abusive it’s fine and your DC will likely build more resilience as a result of learning to self entertain.

Lastly - keep telling yourself it’s only temporary. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you’ll be surprised how quickly this becomes the past. Hang on in there.

why don’t you get a babysitter ? Just go to a film with your DH and have a drink . don’t be a martyr.