Not coping well with toddler and 5month old

[vannah]

And often find myself bursting into tears from feeling overwhelmed. I find this short age gap really difficult. I coped brilliantly with my DS (2.5) when he and I were alone, but now with little sister around(5 months) and am constantly trying to please one or the other and I find it so difficult when they are both crying. DS is very clingy and playgroup/nursery has not been an option, was hoping to wait till he's 3. DD wants to be carried a lot and although she can be settled on her own for a short while, I can just about wash a bottle/do a jigsaw with DS or cook meal then she is wanting me again.

The flat is so incredibly chaotic. I look around and despair even more! Its messy, dirty (cleaner once a week) and DH tidies up when he gets home...
I find cooking so difficult with 2 little children. Errands/ to-do-lists just don't get done and I feel constantly anxious about this. I just cant go shopping with the 2 of them.
Getting stressed and finding it difficult. Really screamed at DS today and said awful things to him, felt guilty all day.
Havent any home help - cant afford it around here. Families are not v helpful.

Please tell me when it gets easier?

(((hugs)))

It does get better.....

It does get easier?

Do you have a (good!) sling? Makes life soooooooooooooooo much easier!

Sorry meant ! there not ?

It does get easier. Mine are 2 years and 2 months apart and the hard work really pays off when they start to play together properly, which takes the pressure off you. It WILL come.

In about a year....sorry!

Maybe prepare lunch first thing in the morning? Or ask DP to make something for the next day when he gets in?

our dds are now 8 months and 2.5 years and i have noticed it's getting easier already. i think around the five month mark is the dark before dawn as you've been struggling for a while and things haven't changed much but once the baby can sit up unaided and starts to eat and then crawls and their attention span grows and - ahem - cbeebies will hold their gaze for five minutes you'll suddenly realise things are better. sometimes they even nap at the same time!
then you start to feel sad that the baby phase is flying by...
so chin up. you're getting there.

ps online shopping if you can and then just fresh things from shops. dd1 loves to carry the basket and is really good on the buggy board now. god how i hated the double buggy. i'd rather stay in.

Vannah, I felt just the same when DS2 was small and DS1 was preschool - then you learn, your children won't hate you if you don't iron their clothes, but they'll never forget it if you're too busy ironing to give them time. Now I've got 2 more, my ironing pile is as big as me, The dishwasher gets filled at about midnight and emptied at lunchtime, Dammit, sometimes I don't get out of my PJ's till lunch, but my kids love it that I'd rather cuddle them or read to them than hoover round their feet twice a day(this happened to me as a child,my mum spent the lions share of time when she wasn't at work tidying just incase we had visitors, needless to say, mine and my brother's childhood memories are mainly of playing by ourselves while mum did housework)

I genuinely think that there's something rather lovely and homely about a chaotic flat!!!

Just some ideas that may or may not work for you.....

Don't do any errands or to-dos from your list (unless an emergency) until the weekends / when when DH is around. I never do and it's a very freeing experience!!

Somehow 'do' one thing per day that DH is around (to jiggle baby) with DS for at least half an hour, where he feels focused on by you.

Cook a batch of something (just one thing!) at the weekend when DH is around to look after the kids and then freeze down portions (either for just your DS if he eats alone in the evenings or for all of you if you all eat together).

Cook double every time you cook and freeze half of it. Also start thread on ideas for 10 minute meals that can be done with one hand over in Food & Recipes???

Definitely on-line shopping!

Definitely a sling / put baby in a bouncer at a height where she can watch you cook?

Ive got a 20 month gap, ds1 was 2 last week and ds2 is 5 month.
Both of mine are really easy babies..sorry but things that i think have helped me are, -

Bouncy chair for ds2, he will happily sit in it and watch tv, play with little toys etc which frees me up to do things with ds1 or do the house and sit on mn

Kids dvd's or cbeebies for ds1, i feel guilty about the amount of stuff he watches on tv but i dont think id manage without it tbh.

Ive also got a travel cot up in the living room that ds2 sits in when i need to feed ds1 or do things in the house, so i can just put the tv on for him and out some toys in the cot and i know he is safe.

Also agree with trying to prep lunches etc when they are both in bed the night before, and dont worry about the mess....im sure you will be fine!!

I had mine 15 months apart, the first 6 months are hard because you do have to split yourself two ways.

I found things much easier after I started weening DD as I could just give her and DS a bread stick/biscuit at the same time and DS would be impressed that he had the same as his sister.

Also around this time the baby will become more interesting to the toddler, maybe suggest that toddler "amuses" baby, something that your toddler does that you find really charming/funny. Watch how that goes. After a while my DD wasnt interested in me and only had eyes for her brother when it came to giggling. As they get older they will keep each other amused. Leaves you free to do household and mummy stuff and whispers even sometimes have a cuppa and 5 mins for Mummy.

My dd is 7mo and ds is 2.3, and I'd say it has become 10x easier as both older. DS is now brilliant at entertaining himself, and dd is a bit more self-sufficient now she can sit up - though she is a velcro baby and prefers to be carried around.

I think the key is not trying to do too much. Our house is a shite hole, which gets to me. But I quite often do nothing, or set my targets very low - eg today I will take the children to the park and get my car tax on the way home. A mission, but doable. Slum it - just for a few months more.

I'm a bit of mums like fifi - my dd would never sit in a bouncy chair. But she does sleep during the day (ds doesn't) and that's when I try to get things done.

After all my expert advice , I have to say that I am so impressed that you are clearly all alive and well, which is all we can aspire to really! My second is due in July and the gap will be 18 months and I'm panicking!

Oh poor you. I have 2ds with exactly 2 years in between. Ds1 (now 2.5yo) has always been quite independent at playing with toys but loves reading with me/dh/anyone, really. So we did loads of reading while feeding the baby when really tiny. But it sounds as though your ds1 is more directly demanding .

Agree that online shopping is fab. And now that the weather is warmer, you and dp can easily exist on lots of different salads in the evenings, a few nights/week. Saves time and washing-up.

If ds2 is quite big, maybe an inflatable ring would be a better investment than a bouncy chair, some of which don't last much beyond 6 months. Ring also more easily involves ds1, eg jumping into the middle of it, leaning on the edge to talk to/play with ds2. The baby will - honestly - become more interesting so that they can engage together more. And ds2 is likely to idolise ds1 before too long, and for it to become obvious. It might even be a good spur to encourage ds1 to think that nursery would be a good place to meet other kids to do more active games.

But it will all work out, I'm sure. Do you have a garden? If not, take them to the park in the shade for an afternoon and watch them develop new games.

All the best.

my advice would be to get out of the house as much as you possibly can, you have the same age gap as i do with my dd's.

every morning we would go for a long walk round by some horses, dd1 loved seeing the animals and dd2 was always happy in her buggy.

in the afternoon we would go to baby groups (nice ones where you can relax and enjoy some adult company) or go to the park so that dd1 would run riot and if the baby fell asleep i could read a book.

it does get easier and is so worth the small age gap in the long run, my two really are the best of friends and it is lovely seeing them together.

I have 20 months between mine (currently 3 and 18 months).. it does get easier in some respects, although you may get new challenges. It's baby steps (figuratively), aim low and try not to stress about mess (even said than done), take action to minimise chaos e.g. reduce number of toys available, things out of reach etc..don't feel guilty if you cook fishfingers instead of A Karmel from scratch. It's hard because you have double the work and half the time for each child but you will get through. I know this because i can do things now iwth mine that a yr ago would have been unthinkable e.g. us all go for pizza etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you may not wake up one day and boom, life goes back to what it was (it never will) but there will be small incremental improvements. If you are having 'twos' issues don't go anywhere where the people will make you feel rubbish for having screaming toddler. ONly mix with nice people!

Tuned in today to find so much fantastic advice from you all. Many many thanks. Going to re-read it now.
Totally agree that being out as much as possible is best thing, and that setting targets low v v good idea. Today I decided to spend the whole morning at the library and the whole afternoon at the park, with quick trip home for a make-do lunch. Was so much better.

Many thanks for the lists of suggestions, going to write some down and stick on wall to glance at when feeling overwhelmed again.

I think you have good days and bad days. I have 18 months gap between my two and things are getting better, now that they can eat the same thing and they can already play together, and with summer here we go out loads. Also, go for easy meals: scrambled eggs and bakes beans, oven potatoes with cheese, pasta, fish fingers, sausages and mash, rice and veg, etc. Soon, your two will eat the same hting and it will get easier. My house is a tip, I can't afford a cleaner, but I don't really care! Also, I try to spend special time with both children, ie tonight I had a bath with DS2 and it was LOVELY. It does get better, especially when they start playing together.

We have a similar age gap vannah and I was beside myself when DS2 was 5m - exhausted, worried about going back to work, living in a tip...

DS2 is now 15 months old and though the house is still a mess, I can truthfully say that life has been really enjoyable, and dare I say easy?? for the last 6 months or so. Echo everything others have said about it being so much easier when they play together - I spent this mornign lying in a friend's garden while DD1 pushed DS2 on a swing, or entertained him by running around play house etc. Fried's DD was asleep and all we could hear was giggling children and birds singing - bliss! I couldn't have imagined a day as relaxed as today when DS was 5 months, so I hope that encourages you that all things, in time, will pass!

That would be 'friend's DD', not 'frieds DD', though it was hot...

I have a 20 month gap between my two little ones (now 9 months and 2.6) and I feel as though we are out the otherside now (but God it was hard at times). My top tips would be:
Fresh air and exercise every day. Make the toddler walk as much as possible.
Have a conversation every day with someone who doesn't have a baby or a toddler.
Invite a friendly mum and her toddler for lunch once a week (they understand chaos so don't worry about the tidying up or the quality of the tucker)

Hang on in there. It took me, to be honest, quite a long time to reach a stage where i found it all easy - my children are school-aged now - but it does, it does happen.

And yes, absolutely, online shopping. Library was a very good idea. It saved my life on my second maternity leave.

Online shopping is amazing. Sainsbury's delivery only costs £2.50 and is very punctual.
Also, turn household chores into a game - my ds loves helping me load the washing machine, putting in the powder and pressing the buttons.
But do expect bad days. I'm having one today - dd has a chest infection and is exhaustingly clingy and ds peed in his toy box so I have an extra cleaning job on my hands!

HI my little ones are 2.8 and 8 months exactly. I really didnt appreicate what hard work it would be but it does get easier. I can only do a tiny bit of housework every day ie one room as Emma (8 months) doesnt sleep during the day and neither does ds. Lots of walks and chats with good friends help. Can only send you lots of hugs and let you know it does get easier xx

17 months between my two and honestly the first 10 months were hell, after he learnt to walk it all got so much eaiser.
Don't let anybody tell you you are bad mother for not keeping the house spotles at all times. Your house is fine and you all you need to do really is tidy slightly in the evening when they are both in bed, and do the dishes. You are lucky that your husband does his bit.
The only time you have to rethink how much cleaning you do is when you get uninvited visitors in the shape of mice, cockroaches and the like .
Try to make your son your special helper. Putting laundry in the machine, powder in the laundry machine, rubbish in the bin, get you nappies when you change his little sister and the like.