Grandparent told my child they don’t cry when at their house

[CoralFish12]

Something keeps playing on my mind after a recent visit to my parents house with my three year old child. When my child started to cry because they wanted to go in the garden but was told no because it was raining, I heard my
mum say to my son hey you never cry when you are here. I said to my mum actually it’s fine to cry, because it is!

Since then I have been thinking about it, and my mum always comments on how well behaved he is when with them on his own. Is this because they have made comments to him in the past and he is simply complying.

I addressed it at the time but it keeps playing on my mind. Any advice welcome!

I’ve already answered this up-post but ok
I will again. I have cried over disappointments and I have enough empathy and imagination to understand that the major disappointments of a 3 year old might be slightly different to those of an adult’s.

Do you really expect a 3 year old to think in exactly the same way as an adult? It’s literally science that they wouldn’t…

🙄

Edit - apparently already asked but not really answered. Guessing poster is a "take whole self to work" person and is rearing their kids to be the same shudders

What would you like me to answer?

It’s normal for children to be a bit more careful with their emotions when with other people especially when you are not there. You are their safe space to express how they feel.

my mil likes to say ‘he never cries with us’ I assume she thinks that down to her superior parenting skills when really it’s because ds isn’t as comfortable expressing hi s emotions with his grandparents

I would think this is a good thing, I don't see why it has to have some secret message attached to it, i say things to people it means what I say

I would think this is a good thing, I don't see why it has to have some secret message attached to it, i say things to people it means what I say

I came on to say this.

Crying is completely normal at 3. Developmentally appropriate and does not mean that the child won’t cope with minor disappointments later.

Don’t worry OP your child probably does cry less with grandparents. Kids basically cry more with their safest people. They’ll hold it all in when they don’t feel 100% comfortable

This is exactly why I can't/won't leave my ds with grandparents. They have some very different views from me.

Why do you think it’s fine to cry because you’re not allowed to play outside in the rain?

Why is it not ok?

We aren’t debating whether whinging over not being allowed to be outside in the rain or not. It is whether granny was right or wrong in telling him not to.
Of course she was right. If he hasn’t learned that skill yet of self regulation he needs adults to help him! And his mother is clearly not going to do it! She is clearly of the ‘gently gently’ mentality.
What if he gets told ‘no’ at nursery?

How on earth do you have any idea of my parenting style? I have no idea how you can make so many assumptions based on this post… do you think it’s developmentally appropriate for a child of three years old to completely regulate their own emotions? Without any Co regulation from an adult. My son is told no and has boundaries,. He is also allowed to express his own emotion. I am raising a child, not a robot.
by the way.. their brains are still developing hugely at this age and of course will show their feelings , sometimes by crying.

Are you sure it wasn’t said in more of a “hey you don’t normally cry here!” As in he wouldn’t normally get upset about something like that but may have cried because mummy was there?

Presumably he’s at nursery?
Of course it’s not fine to cry every time you’re told “no, that’s not appropriate”.
It’ll happen sometimes, but it’s not something to just shrug at and accept as fine.

do you think it’s developmentally appropriate for a child of three years old to completely regulate their own emotions? Without any Co regulation from an adult.

course not. And that is exactly what his grandmother was doing. You just didn’t like her answer.

A three year old having a little cry because they are disappointed is absolutely fine. It doesn't sound as though he had a huge tantrum.

Exactly, and it is just as fine for an adult to tell him to stop and teach him that this is not how we react to things. Kids don’t learn that by themselves.

It's not OP's mum's place to teach him that crying is wrong. You seem to be from the 'children should be seen and not heard' school of thought. Three year olds don't need to be taught that it's wrong or inappropriate to express emotions. Unless your user name is ironic, it doesn't seem very Christian of you.

Of course three year olds need to be shown that expressing yourself at full volume everything time something doesn’t go your way is not always appropriate.
Can you imagine a nursery class where they’ve all been taught that it’s fine to cry when not allowed to go outside and play in the rain?

Well you sound pretty horrible, mocking a poster who spoke about crying after losing a baby and when a much loved relative died.

That isn't how OP wants to bring her child up so it isn't fine for her mum to tell her child that he needs to suppress his emotions even when he feels upset.

OP has already explained that her son wasn't having a tantrum or crying at full volume. He was just having a little cry because he was disappointed that he couldn't go outside.

Was it said like ‘do not cry when you are here’ like telling him what to do? Or a shocked ‘you never cry when you’re here!’ Because he’s not done it before and she was surprised?

Jesus, I'm glad I'm not a parent these days having to analyse every mortal little word or look. He wasn't allowed to go outside for a good reason but he cried trying to get his own way. Reinforcing "no" is not controlling. What if he wanted to run into a busy road, or over a cliff. We all have to learn at some point that we can't always (actually very rarely) get our own way no matter how much we cry or beg. And honestly, looking for fault in a loving grandma who's giving up her time to look after your child is pretty pathetic anyway.