Grandparent told my child they don’t cry when at their house

[CoralFish12]

Something keeps playing on my mind after a recent visit to my parents house with my three year old child. When my child started to cry because they wanted to go in the garden but was told no because it was raining, I heard my
mum say to my son hey you never cry when you are here. I said to my mum actually it’s fine to cry, because it is!

Since then I have been thinking about it, and my mum always comments on how well behaved he is when with them on his own. Is this because they have made comments to him in the past and he is simply complying.

I addressed it at the time but it keeps playing on my mind. Any advice welcome!

He was crying, not having a tantrum. There is a difference. Anyway…A three year olds brain is still developing and crying is a very normal part of their development. I’m not after peoples judgment here…Just advice on how to respond to my mother… not on my small child’s very normal behaviour.

Just ignore the up tight Henrietta's.

Their son Atticus probably played the piano with his teeth aged 18.5 months 🙄

I’m utterly flabbergasted at the number of posters saying they are trying to train their children out of crying. I thought that went out with the dinosaurs.

And before anyone says that their children are doing it ‘to get their own way’ or because ‘they didn’t get their own way’, I just don’t buy it. My children cry often - I’ve never ever seen them do it in a calculated way. They just wail. I’ve seen my 4 year old son wail because he was wrongly accused of something, because he was left out of a game, because he hurt himself, because I told him off and he felt bad. None of it was done to manipulate - he was just expressing how he felt in the moment.

I cry often over all sorts of things. I’m so grateful my parents never told me that there were things I shouldn’t cry about.

As the mother of a son this all feels like an extremely depressing extension of the ‘boys don’t cry’ trope

i agree with others that it’s not okay for parents to enforce a no crying rule - that’s because the parents are uncomfortable with crying! Children shouldn’t have their emotions repressed out of them. You can explain things to children to help them process. And yes it does come with age and development that they will cry less to distressing situations. 3 is still very little

It is still normal for many 3 year olds to cry at minor disappointments, sometimes because they are sad, sometimes to manipulate and often a bit of both.but at that age we should be discouraging it. They need to start learning self control.

Atumn38 absolutely. This is why I am worried because I don’t want the boys don’t cry message to be given to him. Me and my husband are trying really hard to teach him that it’s absolutely ok to show emotion. I think my mum has always been a tough love type of person and although I know she loves me, she would never say ‘ I love you’ etc. I’m used to that but I don’t like how harsh she sounded when she spoke to my child. Hopefully if I continue to address it I can show her that things have moved on now. It’s sad to see how many people think that a three year old needs to control and push down their emotion for the benefit of someone else. Thankfully we won’t be raising him in that way and he will learn that he can express his emotion even if it’s a sad one!

You sound like you’ve got this - I’m hopefully bringing up my son in the same way!

I think it’s probably useful to remember as well that although she is your mum, she is ‘only’ his grandma. His primary influences will be you and your DH and if you are modelling that it’s fine to cry and show emotion (and be comforted) then that’s his primary message. What grandma does will be what grandma does, not the norm, iyswim. Also openly challenging it in front of him is probably good too, so that he sees early on that you disagree with her.

I agree. Some other children we knew had very whiny and cry at the drop of a hat or to get their way dc. Could not stand it. I can count on one hand how many times mine ever cried and would have been when they hurt themselves. I wouldn’t have stood for crying to get their way as you just teach them that it works. I was very good and soft with them, but my no meant no. They were not/ are not emotionally repressed just because they did not tantrum. If op dc does not cry much, that is really good. GM is trying ti encourage and praise not crying.

Do you cry when it's raining though?

Or when your bananas has been opened ‘wrong’? 😂

My son cried to me the other day because his friend refused to let him play with him at break. It wasn’t wingeing or manipulative - he was expressing his disappointment and sadness to me. My daughter cried the other day because she missed her dad.

Are you really telling me that your children only ever cried when they experienced physical pain rather than emotional pain? What did they do when they were sad or disappointed or hurt?

If I’m totally honest that sounds a bit odd… If I met someone who said they only cried at physical pain and never emotional pain I’d genuinely question if they were a bit…. Psychotic.

No one said the child was having a tantrum they said they were crying which is a natural reaction to feeling sad for people of any age

I feel so sorry for children who's emotional wellbeing is crushed which I fear Amy child tied to you will be suffering

It is neglectful

As an adult, no. But I’ve cried when I’ve been really disappointed about something.

I have enough empathy and imagination to understand that a 3 year old’s big disappointments are on a different scale to an actual adults…

You can probably count on one hand how many times your poor children come to you for support as they grow too

No, misunderstanding. They were sad and it showed in the same sorts of situations you mentioned. They just did not cry over more minor sorts of things. I was discussing when children cry when told ‘no’ eg. going in the garden and told no. My dc have cried very little but they have cried at eg. gp funerals and if they broke up with someone as teens - just not as young children if told no, and they were not allowed to whine or insist either.

They are grown. They tell me most things inc problems. I give good advice and am extremely practical too. I actually go the final mile because I am their mother and they know I would do anything to help. You don’t need to worry yourself, because mine are doing pretty well.

I agree - IF the child is 6+

Crying is normal at 3!!!!

It's not normal in reception, and this kid is not far off that now. Time to start teaching them!

Maybe for some children. Mine just did not, they were just really content.

If I'm being completely honest, my children weren't criers particularly either - however I do have the self awareness to realise that crying at 3 is a totally normal general benchmark in children

I need to send a memo to myself because I am a bit past reception age - and I CRY!!!

Good for you! My child is a happy child, he was purely just expressing emotion which I am really pleased about. I came here to ask for advice on how to deal with my mother, not my child who is being a typical three year old.

Mine are well past that age 😂

nearly at school age in children Is not at school age. When they're tiny - every year is a big leap. A 4 is a big leap from 3 - whereas as we get older the development slows between years . An 11 yr old is not vastly different from a 10yr old say

Your dm isn’t necessarily wrong, it’s just her opinion differs from yours.

You cry because rain stops play?