Grandparent told my child they don’t cry when at their house

[CoralFish12]

Something keeps playing on my mind after a recent visit to my parents house with my three year old child. When my child started to cry because they wanted to go in the garden but was told no because it was raining, I heard my
mum say to my son hey you never cry when you are here. I said to my mum actually it’s fine to cry, because it is!

Since then I have been thinking about it, and my mum always comments on how well behaved he is when with them on his own. Is this because they have made comments to him in the past and he is simply complying.

I addressed it at the time but it keeps playing on my mind. Any advice welcome!

Mmm possibly but I know my child behaves very well at her grandparents' and not at mine. So I wouldn't jump to that conclusion no.
I'd say you dealt with the issue in the moment which was right to do. It's not enough to worry about with one comment

Actually, our 4 yr old granddaughter never cries when she is with us either. She has always been a very happy child and, since there are two of us she gets plenty of attention and has no need to get upset. If we do say no to anything, she may say pleeeeese, but accepts our reasons for saying no and just gets on with something else. We usually say, I don’t think that’s a good idea because…and let’s do this instead and she is happy to go along with it. She does make a bit of a fuss when we clean her teeth though I think it’s become a bit of a game, to run away and hide, but once we get the brush in her mouth she is fine. No actual crying.

I think distraction is a good technique to use but easier for grandparents when they have more time to spare, rather than a stressed parent who has to contend with lots of other things alongside caring for children.

So yes, your child probably is well behaved for your mum, especially if the child is not tired or lacking in a bit of attention. That’s normal. Don’t worry.

Do you think she said ‘you never cry when you are here’ as a literal statement because your child might not cry when they are there? I know my child is less ‘moany’ at my mums and rarely would cry there as he must look at it as more fun environment because it’s Nana’s House. Kind of like Nana is good cop and I’m more bad cop as we have rules here where as at Nana’s he does whatever he wants🫠

I wouldn’t over think it personally. If you took it a certain way you corrected her and if it does come up again you can then have that conversation to air it out 😊

My MIL used to pull a contorted face and say "we don't want no crying." (She genuinely looked angry and awkward) If my two were toddlers and cried for any reason. But I know in her case it was because she's the most emotionally repressed person I've ever met in my life and seeing any overt displays of emotion triggered her massively.

Luckily we've bought the kids up to be comfortable with talking and emotions which is another thing that makes her nearly crawl inside herself to see us actually talking to our kids about non small talk issues.

I wouldn't overthink your example though. It sounded more like a subtle stealth boast to me (that grandparents have a habit of doing😁) that he's oh so well behaved and never cries at nanny's house !

It okay to teach children to control their behaviour and emotions. He’s already 3, it won’t be long before it’s really not cute for him to just react by crying every time he doesn’t like a situation or an answer.

This.
We teach that crying is for when you are in pain, very upset, unwell, frightened or similar. Not to try and get what you want.

When my child started to cry because they wanted to go in the garden but was told no because it was raining,

When do you think it's time for your child not to cry when told no? I think you should be focusing on that part.

He was upset though

That's why he cried

He's a baby at 3

For heaven’s sake no he isn’t. He is a pre schooler with words!

My mam always used to say how well behaved my kids were.......until I walked through the door.
They always told them you don't need to cry, you just need to tell Nana what you need and she will get it for them. So not ina dont ever cry way, more of Nana will get you whatever you want, you don't need to cry😂 eldest is 15 and she still gets everything she wants with them!

Observing that a child doesn't cry is fine. Helping a child control their emotions is fine. But telling a child they don't cry when they in fact are crying is manipulative.

The message that needs teaching is "you shouldn't cry every time you don't get what you want", whereas the message that's being taught is "you mustn't cry at your grandparents'."

Why couldnt he go out because it was raining?
Mist children behave differently when they are not with their parents.

I think you're overthinking what was a simple comment - she probably meant you don't usually cry at Granny's. I don't think she was telling your son he's never allowed to cry!

😂😂😂

And you believe that at that age, it means there able to
1- make the difference between upset and ‘can’t get over being told No’
2- they have self control
3- can clearly identify their emotions and act in a rational way.

A lot, if not most, adults can’t do that.

Tbh I can see why you’d be thinking that after a comment like that. It potentially implies he’s been told off/shamed for crying a lot which is unfortunate.
However, only you know what your parents are like. Are they ‘that type’ when it comes to expressing emotions? Were they like that with you growing up?
No one here can really say whether it was meant it that way, or like pps have said, whether it was just a literal statement because that would also make perfectly sense if your child does seem happier and more behaved there (mine certainly does in certain environments!)

which is why the grandmother is telling (teaching) him to stop it. As she is older and has learned the skills that the child needs to learn.
What do you suggest? Big cuddles and ohhh diddums oh isn't it sad when we can't do the things we want there there? No wonder there are so many kids with "big feelings" still in year 2 and 3 of primary schools!

Well he's not a baby. 3 year olds can learn to control their emotions and definitely can learn they don't get their own way by crying.

A 3 year old is not a baby. One of my DCs started school 3 weeks after turning 4.

I cry when I’m told no all the time. I cried when my body showed me that no, my (very very early) baby wouldn’t survive, I cried when I was told no I didn’t get the job. I cried when I was told no I wouldn’t get more time with a beloved relative.

Are you actually kidding me??!!

We cry when we are told no all the time. that’s normal.

No they won't be able to manage that bit how do they learn to if they don't practice. Children don't suddenly get these skills by magic as the get older.

I pitty your children

You can talk now so you can't show any emotions

Are you the kind of person who tells boys that boys don't cry and to man up??

Bravo
Mine turns 4 2 days before starting reception and he was still very much a baby at that point compared to the 8 children who turned ,5 within the first weeks of term

Just because they walk and talk doesn't mean they are not little anymore

Disgraceful that parents can't wait for their children to grow up so they don't need to bother nurturing them

Playing devil’s advocate but could she have meant that he doesn’t normally cry rather than crying is not allowed in her house ?

I agree.

3 is very much still a baby in the grand scheme of childhood!

Just because they are “little” doesn’t mean they are a baby. I mean you are just objectively and factually wrong.

Disgraceful that parents can't wait for their children to grow up so they don't need to bother nurturing them

Whats disgraceful is making random unfounded assumptions about other people and claim they don’t nurture their children because they don’t encourage crying tantrums when preschoolers don’t get what they want.z