Help and advice for punishment appreciated!!

[Mummy562538]

Hi… I’m completely new to posting on this site, but would really love other people’s input as I’m really torn.
Im a single mum of 3 kids and over the past 6 months my middle child 13F has developed a horrible attitude and generally is so disrespectful. I know with her age it could be hormones etc and incase her hormones are the problem I’ve sort of just brushed it off as she doesn’t meant to be like this.
The past 3 weeks tho have been nothing short of a nightmare. The way she speaks to me is just horrible, if I ask her to do something like tidy her room or put her dinner dishes in the dish washer I get met with “No” I honestly feel like I’m walking on egg shells.
Theres too much to type out, but basically just how she speaks to me every day and treats me is awful. It just seems like she’s zero respect for me. So this is where I need advice….
I’ve taken her phone off her before and she really didn’t care, she’s been grounded and again this didn’t phase her.
She is a competitive gymnast and gymnastics is her life, my next step is to stop gymnastics altogether. Is this going too far with punishment? I’ve threatened to stop it and never followed through as just the threat of it changed her attitude for a few days at the very most. Anyone that has a child in gymnastics will know the cost of fees and competitions and travelling to competitions is extremely expensive. I feel like because I pay all this it’s a waste of so much money if I just stop her going. Plus I’d be setting her training back for competition preparation. On the other hand I feel like if this is the only thing that would maybe make her behaviour change then I need to do it?
Please no judgement here. genuinely just looking for advice. I should also add I’ve spoke to her so many times to ask is anything going on she’s adamant there isn’t, I’ve also checked in with her teachers and coaches and they said she’s perfectly fine in gym and school. Really starting to feel like I’m at the end of my tether with it all.
Thanks in advance ☺️

Yes that’s a ridiculous punishment. You need to work on your relationship with her, not punish her - you will alienate her further and she will resent you. How much 1:1 time do you spend together?

the examples you have mentioned seem like normal teenage stuff to me!

Thank you for your reply!
I do feel stopping gymnastics is drastic, but I don’t know what else to do.
We have a really good relationship. I work during the day while my kids are at school so I’m here when they all get home. We cook together, watch tv in the evenings together and obviously I drive her to and from training and attend all competitions with her.
I obviously haven’t listed everything that’s been said or going on I just listed two really simple things as an example.

Could you possibly change from punishment to incentives?

I'd sit her down and explain the cost in terms of both money and time that you put in for her to do gymnastics is significant, so she needs to work on her behaviour and keep to set (achievable!) targets if she wants the extras for gymnastics, such as entry fees for competitions, new kit, etc.

She will not change her behaviour if you stop it, she will be resentful and angry. Punishment rarely leads to better behaviour.
having a hobby and activity outside of school and social media is super important for a teenager, you don’t want her to quit because she falls behind.

Reward her for good behaviour if needed (a bit like a toddler 😅)

Thank you! This is great advice I really appreciate it. Will definitely give this a go!

These replies are exactly why so many kids are such entitled little shits these days!

Start saying no to her! When she wants a lift to training say no! Something nice doing for her? Say no!

You need to stamp on this now because otherwise its only going to get worse! Is dad around? Does he back you up?

Punish is a horrible word. If your husband tried to punish you he would be called abusive. I think what you mean is behaviour management.
Rewards can be really effective. Try talking reasonably about how her rudeness is making you feel.
Having a teen with a hobby and sport is wonderful and will add so much to her life

Thank you! I feel like 5 toddlers would be easier at the minute lol
I really hate the thoughts of punishing her, but between working full time and juggling her and her siblings hobbies I think I’ve just jumped the gun. Appreciate your reply!

I wouldn’t punish her but I would stop all lifts to and from training and competitions. She asks and she can find out how it feels to get a flat no. I would also remind her that while living under your roof she abides by your rules. Don’t like it? Find somewhere else to live.

No wonder kids are growing up the way they are no discipline or boundaries at all

How is her life otherwise? Is she going through something apart from puberty? Do you know what she does online?

I was an angry and rude teenager but had a lot of problems and issues to deal with (weight, a death in the family, a sibling with cancer etc.) and struggled to find the right support.

Find somewhere else to live to a 13 year old 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣 you sound delightful.

Dad is around we aren’t together and he works off shore so is away quite a lot. Which unfortunately means I’m usually left to be bad cop as he doesn’t get as much time with them as I do. I do say no and I 100% get what you mean, thank you!

I wouldn't threaten something if you're not going to do it, like you say it changed her behaviour for a bit but then stopped working because she knows it's not going to happen.

I agree with PPs, don't do extra 'nice' stuff for her like lifts etc, praise / reward good behaviour

Honestly I know most people say this, but she does come to me with everything. We would be very close. That’s why this is so frustrating for me. In regards to online she has her phone and iPad that I have access to both off. She isn’t on social media or anything and has a really great group of friends. I’m just really hoping it is hormones and it will settle done soon.

Teachers are taught to praise far more often than reprimand. The key idea is to catch them being good and praise them every single time. It really does work. Nagging is ineffective and a lot of teenagers switch off.

Thank you! I definitely agree with the threatening and not following through, it came from a place of frustration I think. I really do appreciate all the advice!

Bravo! “ sort of brush it off due to hormones “ is the biggest mistake , and now give incentives for being a cow 😂😂that will sort the matter

Absolutely. Kids need to respect their parents homes. If they don’t like the rules get out in the real world and see if it’s any better. Good luck with that

Please don't stop the gymnastics. 13 can be an awful age for girls with hormones raging and body anxieties sometimes kicking in..Gymnastics are excellent for promoting good mental health and physical fitness. If she stops she might well gain unwanted weight and end up with eating disorders. Also what would she fill that time in with .. sitting around feeling angry, resentful and maybe getting depressed? Putting an end to an activity she loves, is good at, keeps her fit and gives her confidence is surely not the answer. Unfortunately I don't know what is. My guess though is that if you did this she would never ever forget and it could deep down impact your relationship for years to come. I wouldn't go back through the teen age years for anything and my DD wasn't too bad. I watch what she is now got Ng through with her own teens though and it's sometimes a bit 😱 Good luck going forward. Wish I had a helpful solution for you 💐

I can see a few future ‘why have my DC gone no contact?’ posters in these replies, awful attitude to have towards the child you created, even if they’re having problems.

You just need to keep repeating yourself

It's easiest if she needs something from you

Can you empty the dishwasher?
No?
Oh I thought you wanted a lift to gymnastics

She's not having problems. She's behaving badly.

Oh and a hug when it's done

I found the book 'how to talk so your teenagers will listen and listen so your teenagers will talk' really useful.

With my teenagers I am very clear how they are / aren't allowed to talk to me. We also have clear expectations about what chores they are expected to do around the house.

If they do something that I think needs a punishment I ask them what they think is an appropriate consequence for their behaviour. We then make a decision together about what the consequence will be.

I find generally getting angry with them rarely works and just builds resentment

I also found 13yrs was the most difficult age with all of my boys.

This! "Why on earth should I drive you to gymnastic competitions if you are so consistently difficult and rude?" should be enough.