Aargh teenager

[manywanderings]

So so upset and annoyed with our teenage son. He didn't come home for a planned birthday celebration. He has a girlfriend. Fine. They spent all week-end together doing birthday things. As his birthday is a midweek night we said - we'll do your birthday and presents the night before as he has to be up very early midweek. This was agreed days ago. Both he and gf saw me making a birthday cake yesterday. He told OH this morning he was coming straight home and would be early.

We waited and waited. Eventually OH texted him and he said he was at gf's house and not coming back till later. As suspected he had his birthday celebration there - a meal and presents. I was fuming. But calmed down and we decided to carry on as if nothing had happened so as not to spoil his birthday. Thought we could still have cake when he got back and him have his presents.

When he got back he looked half dead and exhausted and didn't smile and was quite rude and dismissive. Didn't want cake. At that point I said - you saw me making it yesterday and you knew we were doing your birthday tonight. He could have brought gf with him!

He said sorry. I bit my lip and said we had decided we could go for a meal tomorrow night instead. He sounded very evasive about that too!

I am absolutely spitting and fuming at his attitude. We've just paid for something very expensive for his birthday and he can't even be bothered to celebrate with us even a little bit.

I am trying to keep my mouth shut until after his birthday rahter than spoil it (although it's already spoiled for us). But I don't know who to be angry with. Him? His gf? His gf's parents? Clearly he was hijacked at some point today and asked to go over - maybe mentioning they had presents for him.

I guess he didn't text and tell us in case we were annoyed. Maybe he told gf he had said he was coming home tonight as we had plans and she had a hissy fit and he felt in the middle. I don't know. But we had a similar issue last year where her family organised something without consulting us and we were furious with him then as it was so disrespectful. (The thing they organised was going to cost us a lot of money! So we should have been consulted).

We get no communication from them. They were sharing the driving a few times but stopped, so OH picks them up and drops them off both ways every time.

Going forwards I am going to ask for the gf's Mother's phone number and have some communication. Although I think that might go wrong as well considering they seem to treat him as if he doesn't have any family.

There is some history. They broke up last year - mainly over the fact that everything was on her terms. They got back together before we realised and we just accepted it. But everything is still on her terms. She decides when to see him at short notice and he is scared she will break up with him again if he doesn;t just jump. It's not great. And it's always very short notice. He can never plan anything.

As for why he looked half dead and exhausted, I am trying to guess - just had sex? Been drinking? Feeling caught in the middle if she made a fuss that he was coming home that night (as I say he could have brought her with him).

I suppose she'll want him to go there again instead of a meal with us. I suggested he invite her and he said no. It is clearly all very serious now but we are still his family! I feel annoyed with her Mother for hijacking our birthday celebration! Feeding him and giving him presents. Maybe she didn't know he was going to be here tonight. Maybe they just are disrespectful people.

I saw your post about when his GF broke up with him and now they’re back together. She does sound possessive of him and hopefully your son establishes some healthy boundaries for himself in time. Not sure there’s much point involving her parents- there’s a high probability they will be defensive about their daughter. Which is understandable.

Yes it could be too tricky. Better we just try and teach him how to deal with situations respectfully. He actually knows that anyway - he has always been quite a respectful boy - but he doesn't want to upset her. So clearly he knows we won't dump him if he upsets us by not being respectful!

Just tell him that he needs to communicate better. Explain that you had thought h was still coming around and had made plans accordingly. Explain that you are inconvenienced and that's not ok. Ask him to be a bit more mindful and give you a decent amount of notice if he's changing plans or to push back on whatever else comes up and honor the arrangement he had with you. Tell him he's almost a grown up and needs to start acting like one.

Thank you. Some useful phrases there :-)

Gah. Just had the adult chat. Total denial! No apology. If he had just been honest it would have helped. Agreed he would communicate better in future.

OP I think he's just thoughtless and also wanting to please his girlfriend in case she ditches him . It was probably also awkward trying to get away from her family, plus he was having a nice time so he let time just slip by.

As I say, just thoughtless.

I'd probably let it go and maybe in a week or so when things are calmer, have a little chat with him.
And just buy a cake from M and S in future... boys that age don't necessarily understand the effort and also love that us mums put into cooking!

And don't think you're losing him. Boys that age are notoriously "absent " emotionally, but they do "come back" at around 19! If you've had a close relationship beforehand and speaking from experience, that's a certainty. The closeness you shared is just on pause; it hasn't gone away.

He's a thoughtless so and so who is navigating a girlfriend and her family and you. You are the ones he is sure love him, so he can be a big more cavalier with you! He still loves you so don't destroy that.

Thank you x I'm just not quite sure how to be my normal cheerful self with him now. I don't feel very cheerful!

Just taking everything for granted! Even birthday presents.

I suspect he might be feeling overwhelmed and it comes across as not being grateful.

Some people especially as they get older, don't like being the centre of attention. I also wonder if he is a bit anxious over this relationship.

You seem to be tiptoeing round him and I'm not sure why

If I'd behaved like that at 17 I would have been left in no doubt that my behaviour was selfish and immature and my parents expected better. Even on my birthday.

And the lifts? Well they can stop as well, and the tutoring. He needs to be at home on weekdays, studying.

Ah yes, stopping tutoring as a punishment 2 months before exams - that well known key to A level success!

Some posters really do live in an alternate reality.. 😵‍💫

Yeah i guess but OP has said herself that he's asking for tutoring because he's so slack with his schoolwork. Hardly seems like a dedicated student.

I’d be feeling the same as you @manywanderings. Is your OH his dad? Really your DS needs a lesson in how grownups behave respectfully. It’s how the world works. Rather than both parents ‘having a go’ (as he might see it) would your OH sit down with him and say ‘look, son, there are things we do. We don’t bail on family birthdays. We don’t disrespect your mother. We show up for people. Mother’s Day is coming up and you are going to do xyz. You are going to apologise to mum, and buy a birthday cake on Tuesday that we will have together. And don’t pull this shit again.’

I have an 18 yr old DS and I would be really hurt if it went like this. He's a super low key person so I would expect to pop a cake in front of his face and maybe a quick takeaway before he was off doing his own thing but he would enjoy that and be making time for us and friends etc. But we haven't had the big first romance yet. From your description, the GF does sound quite high maintenance and maybe he's just juggling. The one thing I would say is that they have a real way of pushing you to your absolute limit where you think they are so rude, ungrateful, etc etc and then all of a sudden, it comes back together and they adapt and change much faster than we do. I think all you can do here is communicate that it was rude and your feelings and leave it there. I suspect at some point you will get an apology and this won't be forever. My son is very different from this time 12 months' ago! The selfishness eases x

You sound very, very jealous of his gf and her mother. You also sound very, very fearful of your child growing up and becoming an adult. Just talk to him about having better communication with you next time.

This doesn’t sound right to me at all. Not showing up to his own 17th birthday dinner with his mum and dad?

*And when I said I should exchange phone numbers with her Mother - well if it's that serious, shouldn't parents at least meet? Or mention the odd thing. Or invite each other to the odd thing? Or at least get acquainted?

I know it;s their relationship but they still have parents*

I have absolutely no interest in meeting our 18 year olds girlfriends parents. I understand if it got to the point of marriage, then yes, we would meet, but that would be it after that. I have no need or want to be friends with them or be invited or invite them to things.

Teenagers are grim.
Just back off and let him get on with it. His girlfriend’s parents seem odd for hijacking him on his birthday. He seems like an inconsiderate little sh*t.
Stop paying for the tutor unless he agrees to work.

It sounds pretty typical inconsiderate teenage behaviour to me.