Aargh teenager

[manywanderings]

So so upset and annoyed with our teenage son. He didn't come home for a planned birthday celebration. He has a girlfriend. Fine. They spent all week-end together doing birthday things. As his birthday is a midweek night we said - we'll do your birthday and presents the night before as he has to be up very early midweek. This was agreed days ago. Both he and gf saw me making a birthday cake yesterday. He told OH this morning he was coming straight home and would be early.

We waited and waited. Eventually OH texted him and he said he was at gf's house and not coming back till later. As suspected he had his birthday celebration there - a meal and presents. I was fuming. But calmed down and we decided to carry on as if nothing had happened so as not to spoil his birthday. Thought we could still have cake when he got back and him have his presents.

When he got back he looked half dead and exhausted and didn't smile and was quite rude and dismissive. Didn't want cake. At that point I said - you saw me making it yesterday and you knew we were doing your birthday tonight. He could have brought gf with him!

He said sorry. I bit my lip and said we had decided we could go for a meal tomorrow night instead. He sounded very evasive about that too!

I am absolutely spitting and fuming at his attitude. We've just paid for something very expensive for his birthday and he can't even be bothered to celebrate with us even a little bit.

I am trying to keep my mouth shut until after his birthday rahter than spoil it (although it's already spoiled for us). But I don't know who to be angry with. Him? His gf? His gf's parents? Clearly he was hijacked at some point today and asked to go over - maybe mentioning they had presents for him.

I guess he didn't text and tell us in case we were annoyed. Maybe he told gf he had said he was coming home tonight as we had plans and she had a hissy fit and he felt in the middle. I don't know. But we had a similar issue last year where her family organised something without consulting us and we were furious with him then as it was so disrespectful. (The thing they organised was going to cost us a lot of money! So we should have been consulted).

We get no communication from them. They were sharing the driving a few times but stopped, so OH picks them up and drops them off both ways every time.

Going forwards I am going to ask for the gf's Mother's phone number and have some communication. Although I think that might go wrong as well considering they seem to treat him as if he doesn't have any family.

There is some history. They broke up last year - mainly over the fact that everything was on her terms. They got back together before we realised and we just accepted it. But everything is still on her terms. She decides when to see him at short notice and he is scared she will break up with him again if he doesn;t just jump. It's not great. And it's always very short notice. He can never plan anything.

As for why he looked half dead and exhausted, I am trying to guess - just had sex? Been drinking? Feeling caught in the middle if she made a fuss that he was coming home that night (as I say he could have brought her with him).

I suppose she'll want him to go there again instead of a meal with us. I suggested he invite her and he said no. It is clearly all very serious now but we are still his family! I feel annoyed with her Mother for hijacking our birthday celebration! Feeding him and giving him presents. Maybe she didn't know he was going to be here tonight. Maybe they just are disrespectful people.

Thanks. Well he/they have both made me look like a complete fool. They both knew I'd made that birthday cake for today. Hard to explain but the effort for me was massive as well. I've been very unwell recently and it half killed me but I hid that.

Anyway seems he doesn't love my chocolate cake any more either.

In terms of contact with parents - it just seemed like the most natural thing - if they are so serious now. I suppose I worry that in future we may be exluded and there are two families.

I would never have done this to my parents!

He was rude. He should have said if he had plans. I'm guessing his girlfriend arranged birthday stuff at hers and he felt uncomfortable saying no. I'd let it go he's young and in love if you try this into a competition you will lose unfortunately. Write it off and try again next year.

He might not be interested in parents but he is usually interested in chocolate cake!

It was rude - that's partly why I'm upset. The thing is - he didn't have plans. He wasn't asked to be home - he told OH he was going to be home - because we had previously discussed doing his gifts and cake etc that night. If he had said he would rather do something else, that would have been fine. But he told OH he was coming home early and went somewhere else! Left us sitting waiting expecting him any time. It wasn't till OH contacted him he told us where he was.

What happens is his gf just contacts him to say come over and he goes. What he could have done is said - I said I'd do xyz at home tonight, why don't you come there with me instead?

I understand you're upset but the point is you can't force him at this age and it's typical of many teens to have little interest or concern with their parents' feelings. He will likely be embarrassed by you pushing your point of view. Yes, he's selfish and inconsiderate, but where you feel much the same as you ever did, he's going through a lot of change.

Let him go to his gf's, let him mess up his education - you can't stop him but he will mature and hopefully realise his own mistakes.

If it helps, my dd was fairly horrible at 17, but much more mature and reasonable now she's 19. She recently commented on how immature she was a few years back - I didn't raise the subject, she did.

And don't catastrophise. What's happening now isn't not necessarily a predictor of how he will be in a year or two.

Op, I would not have let the rudeness slide. I would have told / remind him about the importance of keeping his word. If something else turns up to give you notice. A little text, to let you know he will be doing x instead of y.

Your time is precious too and you deserve better than that.

No I did not say I was going to do that. You are very negatively misinterpreting. I was expressing how I felt. On here. Not to our son. I was expressing how frustrated I was that we were paying for expensive driving lessons for him and I didn't feel like it because he was rude tonight. Are all teenagers this entitled? He never used to be like this.

Better to let off steam on here than say something I might regret.

Teenagers are often like this.

They struggle to say things that they know won't be taken well so it's easier for them to ghost people.

Don't get in touch with the gf's parents. The chances of this relationship lasting and being serious are low.

One of my teens essentially adopted another family for six months or so at a similar age. He was always round there - apparently they had a dedicated music room and didn't mind what hours him and gf played drums/guitar to.

It's not unusual.

Detach.

Stop doing so much for him. Find interests and hobbies of your own so you are not sat there like lemons waiting for him. He is going to grow up and move out and start his own adult life (and if he doesn't you've got bigger problems!) and you need to be thinking about what will your life look like then.

Thank you. There is hope then! I don't mean to catastrophise - I've had a tough time healthwise recently so am maybe feeling a bit more sensitive than usual. Even so - this was a first!

It is also quite familiar in a way. Last year he was doing GCSE's and we had said he needed to come home at night for that two weeks, except for week-ends. And his gf dumped him right in the middle of GCSE's. Because he did what we asked. It was just for two weeks! Same gf (they are back together). He is not going to risk the same thing happening again. Honestly I think he'd sell his granny for her. And yes I know he's smitten and it's their relationship - we just wish it was someone else. But would never say that.

Thank you. That is the plan - but leaving it for a week or so as don't want to spoil his birthday with "discussions". We have said that to him before - ie can you just send a message please - he apologised and said yes he would. Don't get me wrong, normally he's brilliant. But has had a complete personality change today. I think he must be feeling under pressure. Can't please everyone. All he had to do was say - I might not be home if gf wants me to go round. I don't like the idea they don't make mutual plans though and everything is last minute so he has to cancel with other people. Then he never knows when he will next see her. It's keeping him on tenterhooks.

Thanks :-) Yes I know there would be bigger problems if he didn't leave home! :-) We have to sit around - because he needs lifts all over the place! We live out in the sticks.

It’s usual at that age. As @Onelifeonly said, detach but let him know you’re there for him. Don’t contact gf’s Mum, don’t drive the Romeo and Juliet drama. I know exactly how heartbroken you feel, but vent here, not IRL.

Does he ever see friends or is all his time spent with her?

You are more patient than me. I would not have waited. He is doing unpleasant things now, not next week.

My dc are younger maybe that is why I'm used to immediate correction or letting them at least know they hurt me, by their actions.

Nope - no friends now. I think they gave up on him when he got back together with her. He has isolated himself. When they broke up last time he went through hell and when they got back together we said - it's important to keep your friendships as well, How can he if he can never make a plan and only see her when she decides and at short notice?! Honestly what is wrong with saying lets see each other on Mondays, Wednesdays and week-ends and him make some other plans as well.

To be fair when he did used to have friends over he would have wanted a birthday do with them not us. But he liked us being around.

Relationship is different though. I wish he did have some friends! He used to have.

He’s making his choices and there is nothing you can do. It’s extremely difficult for you but he is flying the nest on his terms. I have an older DC and have lived through the whole scenario.

I was besotted by my older boyfriend at that age. My parents had their own separate lives and were interested in my education, but if I’ fell behind they let me know there were factory jobs available. I soon applied myself to sixth form. I started driving lessons when I was 30. I was still paying off my student loans - by myself.

Doh’t burn any bridges, don’t feed the drama.

"Doh’t burn any bridges, don’t feed the drama."

Thank you. Wise words. You can't help but be excited by their milestone birthdays. And that's a parent thing. Learning to drive! Last year was so different!

Lots of good advice here - you are entitled to feel hurt. And I would be angry about the lack of consideration. I have an 18 year old DD - I would be unimpressed with sort of manipulative carry on.

Not that I would say so, it won't work anyway. Hopefully, it burns itself out.

I can understand why you’re feeling hurt OP. I would too I think. And while your son should be able to spend his birthday as he wishes he was wrong to not tell you in advance he wouldn’t be available when he clearly knew you were making plans.

I don’t think you’re toxic at all but I do think you need to make sure you’ve let go of the rage before you talk to him about it. As for him not studying and falling behind and expecting you to pay for a tutor, I would say no to that until he can show it’s not a waste of money by actually doing more studying to catch up. If that means less socialising then so be it. I hope things improve.

Thank you. I haven't been so upset for a long time. And I totally agree I am not going to say anything until a week or so and be calm and explain he will always end up upsetting someone if he doesn't turn up after making an arrangement.

The trouble is he is used to accepting that behaviour himself - gf cancelling on him all the time at the last minute - it's become a bit normalised for him. We tried to say a few times in the past that that wasn't the way to behave with someone.

He doesn't want to go out for a meal tonight so we're not going to. He did however say to OH he was coming home tonight (not that that means anything any more) and to pick him up at x time. I was really tempted to tell OH to be late and say he forgot so son knows what it feels like!

It's been more of a shock than anything. He was perfectly normal the day before.

I do honestly think though, that his gf did this deliberately! I think she is insecure and jealous and he's not allowed to love anyone else. He was very sweet with me on Sunday when I gave him some chocolate for them to share - part of his birthday present early. Gf knew I was making a cake.

It's a woman thing I think and he's got himself caught in the middle and isn't going to say no to his gf.

Today is his birthday and now nothing is happening - he was double booked last night. Bloody mess,

I've given up for now. Yes it really hurts when you've organised so much (the gifts, the voucher for the lessons and just want a few moments to share giving them).

So you would think he would want to spend tonight with gf - his birthday night - but she decided to plan something last night, last minute, knowing he was supposed to be doing something here.

A bit of organisation and he could have had some normality and so could we. I think it was sprung on him. And I don't think he sees manipulative behaviour.

And before anyone shouts at me, it's my gut instinct on this one. It's a shame. But clearly gf comes first so we will have to lower our expectations.

But I do expect him to communicate better in future if he is going to make an arrangement and then just disappear.

Sorry your DS has been so selfish OP. I'm stunned by some of the replies and hope you can ignore them! He's your son and he's being totally disrespectful, selfish, ungrateful and unkind. Yes you should be cross about that. And yes he should apologise. All the excuses for his behaviour and blaming you is bizarre! Do other mums on here really have such low expectations of their children? Gratitude isn't optional in our house and our tern DD wouldn't dream of behaving this way.

We do have a young family member who does this though. We gather all the family for a pre-arranged birthday celebration and he doesn't show or let us know so we're all sitting around waiting for hours. It's happened at Xmas too and other family members birthdays. He's not my DS but I do find it hurtful as I'm always the host and virtually brought him up. I've had to find ways to distance myself emotionally and have now stopped planning anything special for him.

But this is your son. You should be celebrating the day of his birth seeing as you birthed him! I would tell him very frankly how his actions made you feel then going forwards don't plan anything special for him until his behaviour changes. And I'd stop all those lifts to his gf's house asap.

Yeah he’s being an ungrateful little sod, some teenagers can be totally self absorbed. Just tell him how disappointed you and his dad were with what he did, then move on. But stop being so quick to taxi him around, he’s been taking you for granted. Be less available!

I am saying nothing and will be perfectly normal and pleasant today - it's his birthday. Next week I will explain to him that he needs to explain to people in advance, if his plans have changed.

Today is ridiculous now. All this drama last night and now nothing happening today. And I'm expected to cook tea instead of going out for a meal!

I do think there is a communication problem though and too many assumptions. He knew we had said we would do something last night as he had to get up very early next day. No point trying to open gifts at 6am in 10 minutes.

I guessed he would want to spend his birthday night (tonight) with gf so didn't expect anything today. Maybe his gf and family assumed he would want to be here today - so he ended up double booked last night and didn't come back.

So I'll stop being paranoid about gf doing something deliberately and assume it is a mess of assumptions.

This is why I said earlier I thought maybe I should have gf's Mum's number so the odd thing could be sorted out better - more communication. Although these teens are making their own relationship arrangements, they do deal with parents as well - in terms of when to give presents etc.

We need some contact anyway as there is also a thing going on where they want to sleep over here and he said her parents were ok with it and I would like to just ensure they are ok with it!

I could have said something like - assume he will be at yours tomorrow - we were going to do something tonight. A bit of parent diplomacy on both sides might help.

But maybe not. I don't really know what they are like. They might just think their daughter should do what she wants when she wants.

Thank you for the support :-) I needed to let it all out!

“And I'm expected to cook tea instead of going out for a meal!” Why? Your so is 17 you can say I’m not making dinner because I were planning on going out, so tonight we either go out or get a take away.

I know he is young but you and DH seem to be jumping to his tune a bit too much.