Advice needed! Little one is driving us insane

[champagnecats92]

Hi there

DH and I have a nearly 19-month-old son. He goes to nursery three days a week which is when I work (DH works full-time, mix of at home and in the office). When I finished mat leave, I didn't want to go back full-time because I felt that these years will go so quickly and before I know it, he'll be at school, so I didn't want to miss out. So I spend the Mondays and Fridays with DS.

We don't have any help nearby - DH's parents live about 30 mins away but are quite elderly and just don't seem to want to help (we have tried to have conversations on this but to no avail). My parents live 2 hours away, and they come every couple of weeks for a day, which is great but obviously we can't drop off DS with them for an afternoon or an hour if we just need a break. They're not exactly young and I'm very grateful that they do such a lot of driving to come and see us.

Now don't get me wrong. We have a lovely house, we're lucky that our jobs are stable, we're both pretty healthy. So I feel bad 'complaining'. But DS's behaviour is driving us both up the wall, so much so that we feel we're losing our minds.

I think we're worried that we're creating a brat. We love DS so much and when he's good, my goodness those times are golden. We also know that all kids have times where they struggle - emotions are big, DS only has a few words so can't really communicate. I think his molars are coming through, too. I can see that for him, life is tough and the world is an exciting but also confusing place. So I get that he will have tantrums and most of the time, I talk to him calmly until the big storm has passed then ask if he wants a hug, and that usually helps him out.

Lately, I've noticed a step up in the difficult behaviour (difficult as in we find it difficult!) So he has started biting at nursery and he's trying to bite us sometimes too if he doesn't get his own way. Yes, he's teething but it's still an unacceptable response to the frustration he feels. He is in a constant state of being on the edge and about to throw a tantrum at any time, over genuinely nothing - I don't mean the 'nothing' to us as adults (like when you put the tea set on the wrong rug and it's just the worst thing they've ever experienced) I mean genuinely zero. For example, he's playing with his toys quite happily then suddenly he'll throw it across the room and have a huge wig out where he starts banging his head against things, screaming at the top of his voice, etc. I've watched to see what the triggers may be and I'm clueless. I know there will be stuff going on in his little brain though. I'm concerned he's going to hurt himself at some point but also don't want to rush in with "oh what's wrong??" and cuddles in case that creates learned behaviour that that's how he gets attention.

DH really feels the need for discipline whereas I'm stuck in feeling like I don't want to be cruel... but I also want to raise a human being who is a positive contribution to society, not someone who is a brat or whatever. I think DH is right that we need to think how we help DS cope with these emotions he's feeling, such as frustration, but in a more positive way. It's not about him being a happy sunny little boy all the time - he's not a robot - but there are healthier ways to deal with difficult things, like when you don't get your own way, and we want to help him learn them. Ultimately, these are skills he needs for life.

Any tips or advice you have from your own experience or ideas you have would be really really helpful and we'd really appreciate them. For example DH wondered about DS going to nursery 4 or 5 days a week instead... but I feel like I've failed then with my 2 days a week with him, and worry that I'll regret later in life that I didn't take that special time with him. We feel a bit stuck with parenting sometimes - there are millions of books out there, but each child and family is different, and I'm not sure it's an exact 'science' anyway. I'd go with my instincts but I'm honestly so tired and have such brain fog that I don't even know who I am anymore and what I think/feel about things... so I'm reaching out to the community to help! Thanks so much in advance.

I don't know if it's relevant but nursery have mentioned to us that he has incredible energy, even for a kid his age (I guess they'd know as they see a fair few) and he seems incredibly strong-willed too. These things will be great for him in later life, it's just a massive challenge for us as parents at the mo!

DH really feels the need for discipline

and what does he envisage disciplining a 19 month old will look like?

This is a baby / toddler i reckon that would benefit so much for being out and active as much as possible…. Playground, wood walks, garden. He needs to be physically tired

What are you doing on your days with him? My middle child has always been a bundle of energy and needs a lot of stimulation both physically and mentally.
He is so little to be talking about raising a brat or talking about getting his own way. Very negative ways to talk about your own toddler who is simply learning about the world.

Also how is his speech coming on? The biting and getting angry over what you see as nothing could be him showing his frustrations in a way he can’t verbalise.

Say no and then distract re biting or behaviour you don’t like

Putting him in nursery more isn’t going achieve much? Not clear why it’s a solution to you husband.

Take him out for big walks

Finally he’s a toddler - this is perfectly normal.

I agree with as much outdoors activity as possible. There is something about being outdoors which is so positive.
Woodland walks, beach, park or whatever you can get to. If you have a garden what about a mud kitchen? Outdoor toys like a slide with climbing frame?
If you can install an outside hot tap you can hose him down in his rain suit. Chances are he will love it.
Some dc prefer quiet indoor activities but your ds sounds an outdoorsy kid.
Could you take him to a riding school once a week? Just to sit on a pony with an adult beside him.
Sensory activities can help with learning emotions.
Sounds like he’s a busy boy and needs to harness his energy.
Agree with pp, once he has more language he will be less frustrated. Reading to him as well as talking about what you’re doing will support that.
Sorry if I’ve only said what you’re already doing.

Its too early to say but i would consider the possibility that he might not be neurotypical. He might be, A lot of toddlers are like how you describe your son. Far be it from me to diagnose someone else's child over the Internet but i can only speak from my own experience.

My dc is autistic with a demand avoidant profile and he's always been prone to these kind of rages. Never bit anyone at nursery but he's bitten, hit, and kicked me and dh. Since we've started low demand parenting things are so much better.

He's 9 now but your post is pretty reminiscent of my dc at that age. Hes also very strong willed.

My advice that i wish id known when my son was that age is to pick your battles. For example, is it essential we go to the park if he really, really doesn't want to and he would rather stay home and play in the garden? Give him plenty of time for transitions between activities, use low demand language, and if he's getting frustrated with something (does the toy meltdown immediately following him trying to do something like stick duplo together and be unable to, or trying to stack up blocks and they keep falling down or something?) try and gently move him away from it before he gets to the point of throwing stuff in a rage and banging his head or offer him help, or just go sit down with him and watch him.

Give him choices ie do you want the red shoes or the blue shoes so he feels an element of control. Read his behavior in the moment and react however your instincts dictate, not how you think other parents would tell you to handle it. Even if he's neurotypical, he's way too young to understand anything other than the most basic action v consequence.

Above all, accept that it's more than likely not a case of you being a bad mum, but could be down to him needing a different approach than would work with most other children.

Follow your instincts. If he needs a hug, give him a hug, even when he's raging, if he will accept one. That might be when he most needs one. Sometimes talking to my son during a meltdown makes it worse because it's extra sensory input that he doesn't want. Sometimes that is what he needs. You can't reason with someone who is in a rage so support him, help him to calm down, use age appropriate and declarative language. He's still so little, it's not going to have much effect yet but strict discipline and punishment is unlikely to help much either when you have a very young child who can't even begin to understand his feelings yet.

Even if he's neurotypical, it can't hurt to try a non traditional approach. You might find a middle ground that works for you all and makes your home less stressful.

Also there's nothing wrong with giving your child attention. It won't turn him into a brat.

Do you stick to a clear routine?
Follow the same routine as he has at nursery?
Little ones can get very upset with having naps, meals etc at widely different times.
I don't mean you have to stick rigidly to it, but eg eating lunch at roughly the same time each day, with nap always afterwards, if that's what happens at nursery.

Hi there, by discipline I mean having some rules about behaviour that isn't acceptable e.g. the biting. At the moment we don't really do much because we don't want to do something that is wrong, that could do more harm than good. So I guess it's strategies he means? Hope that helps.

Children need boundaries. Biting is wrong and unacceptable. You have to let him know this!

the sudden throwing/crying/head banging sounds like pain to me

I think you're right that he needs lots of stimulation both physically and mentally. Lots of people have mentioned getting him outdoors which I've struggled with in the colder months so yay, it's getting better now (and he seems quite resilient to weather, just loves the outdoors).

I do mention a fair bit in my post that I understand the world is confusing and that emotions are difficult to cope with, especially for a little one that can't even talk to communicate yet. He is very little but he will only grow and we are first time parents who are just asking for some advice as we feel lost and clueless. The point is we want to be good parents for him while also helping him develop as a person. I'll keep in mind whether we are being too negative on him but I have checked in with myself a fair bit on that and while I don't think he's a brat now, I just meant as he gets older, we want to be good parents and not cause that behaviour because we didn't parent well. Sorry if I didn't communicate it very well, I'm absolutely knackered.

I know there will be stuff going on in his little brain though. I'm concerned he's going to hurt himself at some point but also don't want to rush in with "oh what's wrong??" and cuddles in case that creates learned behaviour that that's how he gets attention.

I don't understand this - you think he's struggling with something and you don't want to offer cuddles and reassurance in case he learns what? That you will be there when he needs you? That you are paying attention and can see when he's feeling frustrated?

How do you expect him to get your attention at 19 months? You're talking about him as though there's a higher level of reasoning behind his behaviour, but he is just a baby - he's living in the moment, expressing his needs the way he knows how, not trying to manipulate you or trick you into showing love even when his behaviour is less than ideal.

The rule is "no biting". That's a good rule. The discipline is the other bit - what comes next.

How's dh enforcing this rule? What's his idea of disciplining a child no biting?

Well not really no

what is he actually suggesting in practise ?

The rule “no biting”, I’m guessing that the nursery and you already just say that anyway. Surely?

He sounds neurodiverse OP but that’s something that might become clearer over time for you and support with that.

Great point, thank you. I definitely used to but may have slipped a bit so will revisit. Thanks :)

"So I get that he will have tantrums and most of the time, I talk to him calmly until the big storm has passed then ask if he wants a hug, and that usually helps him out".

This stood out for me. I wonder if there is another way of dealing with the situation. Why are you talking to him during the tantrum? So long as he is safe you can let him express his feelings and step away. Find a way to talk to him when he isn't overwhelmed. It's possible that it's throwing even more fuel on the flames. Wait until he has finished and then talk to him about what happened. Keep language simple and not over complicated.

Ok thank you, good point.

He may be neurodiverse, he may just be an active toddler who is frustrated at not getting enough stimulation. He does sound a lot like my nephew and while we do think he probably has adhd, many years later SIL appears to be pinning her hopes on meds changing things. My advice is don't be like SIL. Also, ds has adhd so some of the behaviour i recognise but we handled it differently.

So, biting- immediate consequences. When ds went through the smacking phase at about that age, he would hit, we would say no, firmly, pick him up and move him away from whereever he was - usually to the stairs. Then we would stay with him but he had to just sit there for a minute. And we did this every single time. It took a week or two but he learnt to stop.

Ds loved active games. Dh was brilliant here. He would spend hours playing versions of peekaboo with ds, with toys etc. Ds loved sudden sharp movements or sounds... dh would spend ages playing games where for example he would pretend to fall over or shout something.

He also needed activity, and EARLY. It wasn't good enough to take him out for a long walk at 3in the afternoon. A short walk at 830 was actually better. If the weather is bad, it can be simple- i used to take him on the bus into town for a babycinno and back sometimes. We had membership at a large local soft play so would often just stop in there for an hour or two if weather was bad. Swimming is another activity that doesn't rely on good weather.

Even now he's the same. If he doesn't get out doing something in the morning, by 5pm he's a nightmare!

He’s frustrated because he can’t communicate. Baby (toddler) Sign classes are great for this, there’s loads of evidence to suggest it helps them to regulate their emotions better as they have an alternative/additional form of communication. Mine is a similar age and really enjoys it.

God, you sound like horrible parents. No, you're not creating a 'brat' at 19 months. It's practically still a baby. I have a 19 month old and just cannot imagine ever speaking so horribly about ordinary toddler behaviour.

And yes, biting IS within the realms of normal at that age. 'Discipline' won't work with a 19 month old.

I know everyone talks about the terrible twos, but personally I found the time between 18m and 2yo the most challenging of any age with both my two DSs (and that's including the teen years!). The lack of communication makes it so hard, and mine were very active so I was knackered from running around after them. From age 2 things started to get easier (although harder with my DD!).

So to some extent I would say - this is one of the tough bits of parenting, time to put your head down, do your best and get through it. You sound very reflective in your post - are you maybe a bit of an overthinker? I think sometimes we can spend too much time worrying about the future. This too shall pass!