Advice needed! Little one is driving us insane

[champagnecats92]

Hi there

DH and I have a nearly 19-month-old son. He goes to nursery three days a week which is when I work (DH works full-time, mix of at home and in the office). When I finished mat leave, I didn't want to go back full-time because I felt that these years will go so quickly and before I know it, he'll be at school, so I didn't want to miss out. So I spend the Mondays and Fridays with DS.

We don't have any help nearby - DH's parents live about 30 mins away but are quite elderly and just don't seem to want to help (we have tried to have conversations on this but to no avail). My parents live 2 hours away, and they come every couple of weeks for a day, which is great but obviously we can't drop off DS with them for an afternoon or an hour if we just need a break. They're not exactly young and I'm very grateful that they do such a lot of driving to come and see us.

Now don't get me wrong. We have a lovely house, we're lucky that our jobs are stable, we're both pretty healthy. So I feel bad 'complaining'. But DS's behaviour is driving us both up the wall, so much so that we feel we're losing our minds.

I think we're worried that we're creating a brat. We love DS so much and when he's good, my goodness those times are golden. We also know that all kids have times where they struggle - emotions are big, DS only has a few words so can't really communicate. I think his molars are coming through, too. I can see that for him, life is tough and the world is an exciting but also confusing place. So I get that he will have tantrums and most of the time, I talk to him calmly until the big storm has passed then ask if he wants a hug, and that usually helps him out.

Lately, I've noticed a step up in the difficult behaviour (difficult as in we find it difficult!) So he has started biting at nursery and he's trying to bite us sometimes too if he doesn't get his own way. Yes, he's teething but it's still an unacceptable response to the frustration he feels. He is in a constant state of being on the edge and about to throw a tantrum at any time, over genuinely nothing - I don't mean the 'nothing' to us as adults (like when you put the tea set on the wrong rug and it's just the worst thing they've ever experienced) I mean genuinely zero. For example, he's playing with his toys quite happily then suddenly he'll throw it across the room and have a huge wig out where he starts banging his head against things, screaming at the top of his voice, etc. I've watched to see what the triggers may be and I'm clueless. I know there will be stuff going on in his little brain though. I'm concerned he's going to hurt himself at some point but also don't want to rush in with "oh what's wrong??" and cuddles in case that creates learned behaviour that that's how he gets attention.

DH really feels the need for discipline whereas I'm stuck in feeling like I don't want to be cruel... but I also want to raise a human being who is a positive contribution to society, not someone who is a brat or whatever. I think DH is right that we need to think how we help DS cope with these emotions he's feeling, such as frustration, but in a more positive way. It's not about him being a happy sunny little boy all the time - he's not a robot - but there are healthier ways to deal with difficult things, like when you don't get your own way, and we want to help him learn them. Ultimately, these are skills he needs for life.

Any tips or advice you have from your own experience or ideas you have would be really really helpful and we'd really appreciate them. For example DH wondered about DS going to nursery 4 or 5 days a week instead... but I feel like I've failed then with my 2 days a week with him, and worry that I'll regret later in life that I didn't take that special time with him. We feel a bit stuck with parenting sometimes - there are millions of books out there, but each child and family is different, and I'm not sure it's an exact 'science' anyway. I'd go with my instincts but I'm honestly so tired and have such brain fog that I don't even know who I am anymore and what I think/feel about things... so I'm reaching out to the community to help! Thanks so much in advance.

I don't know if it's relevant but nursery have mentioned to us that he has incredible energy, even for a kid his age (I guess they'd know as they see a fair few) and he seems incredibly strong-willed too. These things will be great for him in later life, it's just a massive challenge for us as parents at the mo!

Discipline in some form will work at 19 months!
I agree with PP who said a clear no, and instant removal to a different place and be quiet for a moment or two. We also used the bottom stair. We didn't leave the child alone, but a few moments without interacting, and then getting down to their level with a clear 'we don't bite' and then returning to whatever/wherever they were worked well.

OP get some warm and waterproof clothes and some wellies for you and DS and go outdoors regardless of the weather.
Mine loved splashing in puddles and playing in the mud.

I think your expectations of a 19month old might be part of the issue, have you or your husband been around small children much? Most go through some kind of biting/hitting/pinching/throwing toys stage at some point.
Agree with PP about plenty of outdoor time. Also look into makaton to support communication, a class on your off days such as Sing and Sign and Tiny Talk can help with this. Also as PP routine important and trial visual timetable. Make sure all needs are anticipated ahead of time, such as hunger, naps etc to avoid flashpoints.
He's too young for 'discipline', but firm no if he bites. Continue to find any underlying triggers to proactively manage.
I doubt more nursery will help. Don't give into tantums, I found ignoring worked best but if cuddles work then that's fine too, but ultimately dont reinforce behaviour by giving into it (but fine to reassure emotions connected to tantrum i.e. I know it's upsetting you can't have more chocolate buttons, but that's enough now).
And finally I'd be mindful of how you are thinking and discussing your LO, avoid creating a negative narrative around him and his behaviour as this can become very reinforcing. Parenting this age group is very hard work, but that is not their fault or because there is something wrong with him. He's just being a 19month old.

We have a 20 month old who is also extremely strong-willed and tantrums a lot. She's also taken to hitting, biting and kicking her older sister for no apparent reason. We've started giving her 'timeouts' in a playpen when she behaves like that. It seems to have greatly reduced the frequency of it. I don't agree with all this 'they are just a baby'... they absolutely know that biting and kicking etc are wrong. And I do also fully believe that you can set the foundations for future 'brat' behaviour at this age by not having clear boundaries. We don't shout or anything like that, we just calmly explain why the behaviour is unacceptable ('it hurts mummy' ) and then she's put in her pen for a few minutes. I then ask her if she's going to stop hurting people and she says sorry and we have a cuddle.
There's nothing terrible about giving your child boundaries... part of having parental responsibility is to appropriately discipline your child.

OP, I think you sound really thoughtful and reflective and that's going to mean that when you find your groove with him, you'll have a really lovely relationship.

I'm going to say some stuff - acknowledging that I am not an expert but I have learned all sorts while parenting a very sweet and gentle neurodivergent boy and his very perky, inquisitive, energetic sister for 11 years. He was a dream baby / toddler, and I am not pretending to diagnose your child but I think there are techniques which work universally for children.

(1) Behaviour is the language of the child. When he's behaving in a way you don't understand or want to encourage, you can address the behaviour in the moment but you can usually only change it for good by understanding what's driving it. The head banging could be sensory seeking or it could be pain. I'd ask your GP to do a bit of an MOT, esp checking his ears, to set your mind at rest on that.

(2) the phrase "attention seeking" comes with all sorts of Boomer baggage. If you reframe it as seeking connection in the way that the child is able to do before they can speak, then it makes much more sense.

(3) Redirect gently from undesirable behaviour and when the child moves onto the better thing, praise him to reinforce the principles you'd like to instill. Look for patterns (sometimes called schema in child development) - if he's throwing often even when he seems calm, maybe that's his next new skill? Buy a beanbag, play with him outside, find healthy ways for him to explore his changing skills and ability.

(4) I truly believe that you cannot ruin a child with attention or affection if you're also giving gentle and consistent guidelines about behaviour (you can definitely spoil them materially). And he's a baby! Make sure he's getting enough of your positive attention - all babies need that so much - from both of you, not just you but your husband too. Especially as he's at nursery where he'll be sharing his key worker with other children.

Yep, my daughter wore me out. I paid for one day in nursery as it was exhausting (stay at home mum for 4 years)

I tried to tire her out physically and mentally. I joined a health club with a crèche, dropped her off in the crèche whilst I had my gym workout, then collected her to take her swimming, she also didn’t sleep through for 4 years either, she used to bang her head on the floor or wall, it was terrifying. I never had another child, just couldn’t face the thought of possibly going through it again.

She is now 30 and waiting for an ADHD assessment, her psychiatrist picked this up (CPTSD diagnosed due to gynae experience). When she was young I asked a Dr for help as it was exhausting us, to be told it’s all down to routine, utter bullshit!

As for the biting bit, when I was younger my neighbours son would bite me. His dad bit him, it certainly worked, he never did it again to anyone 🤷‍♀️

This is a really hard age for lots of kids, they're on the cusp between being a baby and suddenly being a proper little child. Rest assured though that this behaviour is developmentally normal and very common in toddlers. As such, most of it will resolve with time. It's very common to see biting in nurseries, when's the last time you saw one colleague bite another? It just doesn't happen right? Because they grow out of it. The kids who are calmly told 'no' and moved away grow out of it and so do the kids whose parents bite them back/scream and shout. You don't need to worry about 'raising a brat' because your child is exhibiting normal, age appropriate behaviour.

In terms of combating the behaviour as effectively as possible, I would start with looking at his physiological needs. Is there a pattern to his behaviour where it could be linked to being over tired, hungry, thirsty or in pain? Keep a diary of what he eats, how he sleeps, how he poos and his behaviour and see if you can find something there. I'd he getting enough exercises, sensory input and mental stimulation? You say sometimes he good, so what's different at those times/on those days?

If you're struggling and he enjoys nursery, there is nothing wrong with putting him in for an extra day to give yourself a break. Alternatively, look for a local babysitter that you can build a relationship with who can take him for a few hours here and there to give you some time out/time together with DH.

With regard to not giving him attention when he has a tantrum for fear of reinforcing the behaviour...it doesn't quite work like that. You're right to not give attention to unwanted DELIBERATE behaviour. That can easily become a game or a bad communication habit. A tantrum is not a deliberate behaviour, it's an overwhelming release of emotion. It's emotion that his body and brain can't cope with. Tantrums aren't enjoyable for the child. No-one likes being that upset and angry. No-one wants to smash their own head on the floor. He needs help in these moments. Give him a cuddle, a pat on the back, some soothing words and sit with him through the tantrum. Note that this is different to 'giving in to a tantrum' i.e. going back on whatever you said that caused the tantrum.

I would echo what other posters have said. If he's got incredible energy, get him outside and wear him out. Lots of running about, park time and jumping in puddles to burn off some of his energy. If he has few words, the frustration could be coming from that. My DS was the same and I found the younger years challenging. It is also hard not having help so you feel the full weight of responsibility is with you at all times and when a child is challenging, that's hard. What do you do with him on the days you're with him?

Biting a baby is child abuse for fucks sake. No normal human would bite a baby.

And don't pretend you're not advocating it as a method, if that was the case you wouldn't have even mentioned it.

You both need to find and read some books about child development and how to manage small children. You and dh have to be absolutely consistent with parenting. Little children need to feel safe and secure within boundaries that remain stable. They need to know what is happening next, so routine is important. You and dh need to be very aware of realistic expectations for his age around his understanding.
Then, as pp have said, outside as much as possible, regular meals and enough sleep makes everything easier.
I remember being in the park at 08.00hrs. We used to walk everywhere.

I agree with routine and exercise being really important to children like your DS. My eldest was/is very active and he has always needed lots of physical outdoor play. He was never a biter, but at 19months you can make it clear what is kind and unkind behaviour with a firm 'no' and move away. Explain simply that we are gentle and don't hurt others. They don't need a lecture or harsh punishment! Model behaviour and praise the good (a lot!). He's still a baby not a brat.

The tantrums could be normal, linked to lack of language. Some kids just get frustrated easily. Or he could be Neurodiverse, but not necessarily. I wouldn't focus on this too much right now. Let them ride out, distract and definitely pick your battles!

Don't be ridiculous. Op has said herself she's overtired and maybe didn't phrase this the best way. Why bother commenting if you don't have some practical advice?

Op, I agree with the posters who are suggesting getting out and active as much as possible. I found the book How to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk really helpful - possibly for slightly older kids but worth a look down the line.

Agree with this. Try teaching some simple signs such as please and thank you or “wait” or “want”—this may help communication a lot as you will feel more seen and respected and he will feel more understood.

Very much so! Thanks for your kindness. There have been some great suggestions on here as well that I think will really help (along with the usual judgement too 😂)

Age 1-2 is really hard. They have so much physicality, so much emotion but minimal common sense and communication abilities. Most aren’t interested in toys for more than a few minutes and independent play isn’t really a thing. I’ve actually loved this age with both of mine as they are so flipping cute and the development is spectacular, but my goodness it’s exhausting.

Everything you’ve written sounds developmentally normal. My so far ‘normal’ 20 month old only has a handful of words, certainly can’t verbally communicate his needs yet and can throw an almighty strop. Coincidentally, his older brother is autistic +/- adhd and was nothing like this at age 1. His speech was exceptional, albeit very formal. He was very standoffish and wary of people.

My biggest tip is just get outside. I absolutely hate winter but we are outside in all weather, as it’s just so much easier than trying to kill time at home. They need to burn physical energy. I really think this is why you are struggling.

I also don’t think you can discipline a 1 year old beyond a firm ‘No’ and creating physical separation, for example putting them down if you are holding them. Please always offer cuddles if they are distressed at this age, they really can’t manipulate you. And a big no to increasing nursery unnecessarily at this age - it is hard but you have to parent them through it.

Good luck x

A few thoughts: head banging is really not common. How hard is he doing it? I’d be quite worried about that myself and talking to the GP/ HV.

Also, how you mention his expressive language isnt great. How is his understanding? Can he understand “Get your shoes, it’s time to go out?” Can he nod and shake his head to answer “Do you want an orange?”. Does he engage with books and seem to follow the story? If he isn’t understanding much the world will seem extra confusing and overwhelming.

In terms of biting etc, at 19 months all you can really do is say “No Biting” and redirect/ remove. It’s not a planned action and he will have very little control over it.

I’d spend time reading about what an 19 month old can understand and do. He is still very very little and I’m getting the impression that your partner has lost sight of that!

And to echo everyone, get outside. I spend 4 hours a day out walking/ poking things with sticks with my 1 year old, she is so much calmer for it!

Wow, thank you so SO much.

Some really great suggestions here, particularly with getting outside and being active, importance of routine, thinking about communication e.g. baby sign language (and just remembering that he's frustrated because he can't talk yet and make himself more easily understood), and the big one about reframing our expectations - on this last one, I never meant it to sound like I was blaming DS for his behaviour, more that I was blaming us as the parents in case there was something we were doing wrong, or not doing at all, that would help him out.

Some really great advice on the biting too, about being firm and consistent. Nursery have told me that they do the same in terms of saying a firm 'no biting' and moving him away. We'll keep up with this and fingers crossed. Teething is also so grim for them, isn't it.

Just wanted to say thanks so much for all your time in responding and giving all that collective wisdom. It's given me and DH some confidence in that we weren't on the wrong track (a lot of what's suggested are things we're already doing, though we could always do more outside, DS loves it). But also just been helpful in getting us to know that we need to take a step back and reframe when it gets tough i.e. don't look at it negatively. Thanks!

Solidarity, my DD is 2.5 and very energetic. We find being outside lots helps - not the park, as this doesn't really burn enough energy, but walks and running and real physical exercise.

Also, no shame in putting them in nursery more. I originally went back to work for three days, then slowly realised I actually missed working and was struggling badly on my days with DD. She now attends 4 days (5 days at the moment as I'm pregnant) and everyone is much happier. I feel guilty for it but it's taken a lot of pressure off me!

Toddlers are blooming hard work, but I'm personally finding it's got a little easier with more words and physical ability. Hang in there :-)

I agree with all the posters saying this is usual 19 month old behaviour, and you can parent appropriately for the age.

Someone recommended How to talk do kids will listen and listen so kids will talk - it's a great book and I've seen they have a version for younger kids that might be useful link

Yes to all of this. Beautiful comment!

I also have a gentle neurodiverse 9 yr old son and a very fiery, energetic, strong willed (most likely neurotypical) 4 yr old son and they are as different as can be but wonderful brothers to each other and teach each other a lot in social differences. I did studies in education & children’s development which comes in handy as they are quite a challenge to raise. But I second that there is just no way to spoil a child with genuine attention when you set boundaries and gently guide them through.

OP I also respect how reflective you are and you sound a bit like me when I started out with our eldest; you want to get it right so badly that you overthink things, read too many books, become a perfectionist and overcomplicate things in the process. With two completely different children I have learnt there is no one right way to parent and it really depends on your personal situation, preferences, family dynamics and your child’s temperament. Allow yourself to change your mind about what you think/ read about is the “right” way.

I have become far more laidback and intuitive over the years and I allow myself to make “mistakes” (I jokingly call them parenting fails) and learn from them and try a different approach next time. You will mess up but you will fix it too when needed. Children are resilient and forgiving. ( to a degree of course but i think you know what i mean)
Your LO’s behavior doesn’t seem very strange to me for his age but good idea to get some basics checked out (re pain).

Give him the cuddles, don’t withhold to “teach” him. Try to follow your own instincts a bit more and put away the parenting books.
YOU are his parents and you’ve got this! 💪🏼 Through trial and error, like everyone else 😉

Hmm link worked before posting!

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/how-to-talk-so-little-kids-will-listen-book-joanna-faber-9781848126145?sku=GOR008577604&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAoJC-BhCSARIsAPhdfSjHF26QagKrW3H_r4oaAn5tt2V9AugRvP7P1wLx__K0RHtbtX1dWuAaAqlJEALw_wcB